I'm tired of people comparing our grief to that of our mothers

LegacyUser

Hi,

My brothers and I lost my father over a year ago. Being the eldest and only daughter, my dad confided in me quite a lot.

One evening I dropped over and we got chatting. He told me my mother was having an affair. I dismissed it and passed it off.

However, I wasn't truthful with my dad because I knew my mother was seeing somebody else. I had heard the rumors and I had also seen her and her " friend " out and about. Being the coward that I am I didn't confront them.

I never wanted my father to know the truth and I dare not have told my brothers. I was simply trying to protect them all and felt it was all best brushed under the carpet.

Sadly my dad died during this time and of course my mother was and still is inconsolable. We are actually fearful for her mental health. I am convinced it is normal grief mixed with guilt. She is withdrawing herself from me and my brothers and doesn't seem to want to be in our company but doesn't seem to have a problem being in the company of others.

On another note, if I got a Euro for every time a person stopped me to tell me how much more difficult it is for a parent to lose a spouse than an adult child to lose a father, I would be very wealthy. I feel like screaming at them, "do you know the grief stricken widow was blatantly having an affair? ", but I keep quiet. I'll always keep quiet about it.

Myself and my brothers are all adults, with our own families and homes, but I have this secret etching into me everyday. I never want to expose what my mother did or may still be doing but I just cannot move on with my daily life and feel like I should be ringing her on a daily basis or dropping in when in truth I know she doesn't want me ringing her or dropping by unless of course she wants something.

I'm sorry for my rambling but I needed to put my thoughts in writing.

J Mysterio

Rough.

Hard to give advice really. I think may have either confronted her or shared with my siblings but hard to say that really, having not shared your experiences.

I can definitely see how holding this in is going to build stress to an intolerable level. This is probably also affecting your relationship with your mother and even your siblings as in the absence of openness there is no trust and harmony so there can be no positivity, really.

I would reccommend that you try and forgive your mother (internally) and, if possible, once you have accepted this, make some sort of gesture to her which will let her know - flowers or something.

She obviously f@cked up but you only have one mother. Her mental health may benefit from a renewed relatiknship between you and you may find yourself unburdened also.

Good luck

Rubberlegs

Hi there, my sympathies on the loss of your Dad, it's not easy. That's a horrible situation to be in, it must be eating away at you. I can understand to a degree,as when my Dad passed, I would have had some issues with how some things were dealt with. I would have been all for not rocking the boat, and kept things to myself. And then, like you said, people asking how my mother was. I used to feel like screaming," hello, I've lost my Dad :-(". People do seem to assume the spouse suffers more, which can be very annoying. In truth, I suppose its 2 very different types of loss, but none greater than the other. Wish I could offer you some really good advice, hopefully time will ease the feelings you have towards your mother, and you can rebuild your relationship. Best of luckx

LegacyUser

The people who are telling you the grief is worse for your mum are absolute dickheads. What do they hope to achieve by saying that? I've never even heard such a viewpoint before, it doesn't even make sense anyways. Why would it be worse, and what makes others think they can measure whose grief is worse than yours? They have no right to do so.

I don't think you should feel obligated to keep ringing your mum and dropping in everyday. If you want to build bridges it might be an idea to just tell her that you are there for her whenever she needs you, you love her and that as a family you should all be sticking together and supporting each other during this time.

I suspect you are correct that she is feeling guilt, this might explain why she can't seem to be around you and your siblings but is ok around other people. She might feel guilty even just looking at ye.

It's your own choice of course, but I think in your situation I would privately tell your mother that you have seen her with someone else and suspect she is seeing that person.

I would not tell her that your father knew about it.

If you are happy to do so, I would tell her that you feel her and your father's relationship was between themselves and you are not there to judge or argue about what has happened. Tell her you have lost one parent and really need to feel close to her again, and that you are very concerned about how she is coping.
Tell her she can speak to you in her own time if she wishes about the other person, but that all you are really concerned about is reestablishing the relationship between her, yourself and your siblings.

It might be a weight of her shoulders, and the start of her letting down the barrier is what I would be thinking.

(Above only applies if you actually want to get closer to your mum, and want to move on from it. If you can't forgive, and want to be angry about it, you are allowed to feel that way too.)

Diane Selwyn

I've had a similar experience of my grief being dismissed offhand - in fact very often if I tell someone that my younger brother died quite unexpectedly their immediate response tends along the lines of 'gosh that must be very hard on your parents'. It is of course but its also very hard on his 4 older siblings not to mention his younger brother/best friend.

The second stupid thing they say is usually 'were you close?' After a while I started to pay more attention to the way other people relate to their family and realised that in comparison to a lot of people we would be described as a very close family.

I understand that people sometimes get thrown when you confront them with death but it is odd that the same essentially unhelpful reaction is so common. The only explanation I can suggest is that perhaps they are unconsciously trying to give you a role in comforting your parent that will take your mind off your own loss - in the realisation there are no words they can offer that will effectively provide comfort or meaning. I guess in essence I like to think that they at least mean well.

December2012

People are asking about your mother because she isn't present.

They may, when they meet your mother, ask how the kids are holding up.

Most people are not comfortable speaking directly about grief. What you can remember is this - they are asking to be nice, and not to be dismissive of your feelings.

I took a lot of pain when my father died, and I wanted everybody to stop and focus on my pain, because my world had stopped. But their life goes on, and unless you've lost a Dad you cannot empathise with somebody who has lost their Dad.

This anger about people's comments about grief is separate to the anger you have with your mother for the affair. It's not the well intentioned askers fault that the truth was different to the illusion.

It's up to you to decide if you want to talk to your mother about it. Maybe you should. This could fester and divide you if left as a problem, and you've already lost one parent.

If not your mum, maybe talk to a counsellor about it.

And as somebody whose Dad is dead too - I'm genuinely sorry for your loss.

piperh

I am very sorry for your loss.

I was very close to my dad to and his confidant. I remember clearly the feelings of anger and resentment towards people especially family who I felt were selfish and uncaring going back to their own lives. It took me a long while to realise they dealt with it the only way they could.
I lost it a few mnths later when a very close friend of my dads said how upset his partner was, how she was struggling and her life will never be the same. I said quite sharply how dare he she would be able to get another partner I was never getting another dad. The venom shocked both of us.

I think you need to sit down and talk to your mom as this is going to fester until the damage is unrepairable. You don't have to say your dad knew or that you had spoken about it. Perhaps saying something like " I know you and dad weren't always perfect and mistakes were made. I know you were seeing someone else but that was between you and dad, all I want is to be able to share the odd memory over a cuppa". You could well find she is avoiding you because she knows you know and until the subject is broached it is unlikely to get any easier.

All the best.

ailish92

I felt had to post on this , I've had this experience aswell and it makes me so mad and frustrated. My father died by suicide 2 months ago , and various people have said to my mother that its ok for me and my other 3 siblings , the youngest of which is 11 , because we will get over it and get married and have our own lifes , but that hers is basically ended. My own mother has even said this to me herself. I dont know how anyone can even try and put a scale on bereavement and how its easier for children to lose a parent than it is for a wife to lose a husband . Because I think its all fairly **** to me. Even if i do get married Im not going to have a father to walk me down the aisle , Im never going to see my parent again .I think to try and say that my mothers grief is worse than mine , is very stupid and ignorant.

LegacyUser

Condolences to everyone on the loss of your loved one.

Honestly I haven't the guts to tell my mother that I knew she was having an affair. I have suspicion that she is back to her old tricks again with this man.

If I live to be 100 I don't think I will understand how a person, can grieve like my mother over the loss of my father, yet was having an affair and seems to be back continuing the affair now.

At Christmas she asked me why I hadn't got her a card. I said, I had. Stupidly believing she meant the traditional Christmas card but no she meant a sympathy style card. She had got lot's of those from people because they didn't want to send her the usual X-mas style card. I had a go at her and asked her why would I be sending you one of those. She saw my point and backed off.

Thanks to everybody who responded.

makeandcreate

Whymeasure wrote: »

Condolences to everyone on the loss of your loved one.

Honestly I haven't the guts to tell my mother that I knew she was having an affair. I have suspicion that she is back to her old tricks again with this man.

If I live to be 100 I don't think I will understand how a person, can grieve like my mother over the loss of my father, yet was having an affair and seems to be back continuing the affair now.

At Christmas she asked me why I hadn't got her a card. I said, I had. Stupidly believing she meant the traditional Christmas card but no she meant a sympathy style card. She had got lot's of those from people because they didn't want to send her the usual X-mas style card. I had a go at her and asked her why would I be sending you one of those. She saw my point and backed off.

Thanks to everybody who responded.

It's many years ago now but my mum had an affair with my dad's best friend and finally ran off with him - leaving one of those "Don't try to find us" notes. 2 months later my dad had a heart attack and 3 months after that, a fatal one.
After his funeral and 18 months of living with my mum & her by then husband, I left home at 16 and didn't return for over 11 years. It then took another 3/4 years of cautious visits to really reach a point where we could really talk. I know now, she did love my dad but I also know he didn't provide the things she needed. And what I do know, is that even though I always saw it as sexual betrayal - it wasn't primarily sex she needed - it was someone who made her feel good about herself.
She knows I will never really understand her for how she chose to leave but that I understand a little better why.
Also - she too grieved my dad dying. I refused to see that - I felt like she had no right too - but she had 10 years with him before any of us kids came along & mourned what was - not was right then.
Long way to say - talk to your mum. It will come out eventually, how long it festers and hurts is partly in your control.

jennyhayes123

Just wondering did you ever say it to your mum?