Girlfriend very clingy and angry

TheSegal

I've been having problems with my relationship, it's mainly caused by my girlfriend being very clingy. We've been going out for 9 months, I met her because i'm good friends with her sister and her sisters boyfriend. She's 20 and i'm 26 so the age difference and experience in relationships is fairly different. I appreciate the fact that she likes being with me and likes knowing i'm alright but it's get incredibly overbearing, if I don't send her a message saying I got home from college safely or that I got home from a friends house safely she gets angry and it's really starting to get under my skin at this stage. If I get delayed writing back to a message because i'm working on something or with friends (I tell her earlier in the day that i'm going playing soccer or something else with the lads so she knows in advance) she sends another message giving out to me asking why am I not replying. I've never had something like this in other relationships i've been in.

Her first reaction to things that don't go her way exactly is anger, an example of this is I said I would be at her house at 7:30, I met a friend in a shop and got caught up chatting with them which resulted in me getting to the house at 7:45 and getting a big lecture about leaving her there on her own worrying, she was in her own house! Now she's talking about a weekend away that she wants to go on some time in the future (approx. 6 months since we're both poor, I still think she's expecting me to pay for it), she got angry at the fact that I didn't spend a few days thinking about it like she did.

She has severe anxiety issues which I have really, really tried helping her with by bringing her to counselling (I use it myself and find it great for anxiety and depression), she said the counselling helped but she never does any of the exercises they gave her to help her relax. I also tried bringing her for exercise walking the dog in the evening but she says she doesn't want to go and just wants to spend time in my room with me. She has told me in the past she was contemplating suicide and doesn't know what she would do without me and that really made me worry about changing anything in the relationship.

I've been contemplating ending the relationship but with her anxiety i'm afraid of what will happen and I don't want to make things awkward with my friends, but if she keeps up this clinginess and constant need for attention I think i'll go insane. I'm really lost here and could do with some advice. I just want a nice simple relationship where we spend time together but also have time to ourselves, i've tried saying this to her before and she got angry shouting that I don't want to spend any time with her. Thanks for the advice.

Taltos

I don't think what you're looking for is all that unusual, but I don't think you'll ever get it with this girl.
Suggest you talk to her sister to warn her of your concerns at her threatened suicide so that she or others are there for when you end it.

Sorry to be blunt on it but I think you need to focus on you and your counselling and this clingyness will only pull you back...

StripedBoxers

You need to tell her how her behaviour is making you feel and how it is affecting your relationship.

I myself have anxiety and depression but I would never, ever behave how your girlfriend has.

I have also been suicidal in the past, and have once tried to overdose so I can understand how she felt then and possibly feels now, but to be honest, it's not something that you should let get in the way of being completely honest with her or ending the relationship if you feel the need to.

I'm assuming she has family and friends around her, so she has a support network should your relationship finish, so she will be OK, but you cannot, you absolutely cannot allow her to use her medical conditions as a tool against you into staying in this relationship if you don't want to.

You will both end up as miserable as a wet weekend if this continues.

In all honesty, maybe a break up would be good for her, because maybe then she would start taking the counselling a bit more seriously than she does now and she will start doing those exercises etc. I'm not saying she isn't taking it seriously, but going by your post she doesn't seem to have her heart 100% in the counselling and is more reliant on your for her anxiety/depression issues, which is unhealthy.

You are her boyfriend, not her counseller, so you should never be expected to take on that level of care that a professional does.

If you really feel that you can't talk to your girlfriend, would it be possible to speak to any of her friends or family and get their advice maybe?

Good luck OP, I hope it all works out for you.

Tilly

First off you need to sit down with her and talk to her. Be stern. Tell her you’ve had enough and if things don’t change you’ll have to walk away.

If she doesn’t cut this clingy-ness out then you will have to call it a day. Don’t let her anxiety or talk of suicide get in the way of making the decision to walk away.

cookiexx

You could sit her down and tell her how you feel, and try to set a few ground rules. The her that you won't be responding to petty complaints about being late
and you won't be texting to tell her about your every move, or replying within twenty seconds of receiving a text because you have a busy life.
Tell her she's special to you and you love her but you won't be enabling her problems with anxiety because these types of clingy behaviours are not normal and not doing her or YOU any good.

And that talk of suicide is emotional blackmail by the way. Tell her if she brings that up again you'll have no choice but to call her family because it's not your place to take responsibility for her actions.

TheSegal

Thanks for the replies everyone. I've been afraid of broaching the subject of giving me more space as she constantly claims that she's arguing with her family and they never listen to her even though her sister says they always listen. She also doesn't have any other friends besides my friends, she's claimed she gets to anxious talking to new people so doesn't do it, and any person she does talk to is someone she 'knows' she won't get along with. It makes me more afraid of ending the relationship since she won't have a good support group to comfort her if she gets upset.

LegacyUser

You mention in your post that you brought her to counselling to help with her anxiety issues, while she is attending she is not doing any of the exercises to help with her issues. This to me would mean she is not really interested in sorting out her problems. The fact that she gets angry with you over little things and threatens suicide is emotional blackmail. You are her boyfriend but you can't fix her emotional issues. Its up to her to sort her her life out not you.

LegacyUser

Have you spoken seriously to her sister about your concerns?

Sounds like she'd be an ally. Might give you advise. At least if you ultimately find you can't hack it, her sister would be in the loop for support for her.

ManOfMystery

I've been in your shoes OP. My advice is just to get out of there asap.

You haven't given one reason yet why you would want to stay with her. You've only listed reasons why you wouldn't break up - and to be honest, most of these are to avoid unnecessary drama. You're worried about her being suicidal. You're worried she has no friends. You don't want awkwardness with your mutual friends. These aren't reasons to be in a relationship with someone!

Unless someone has children or other dependents, they are responsible for only one person : themselves. If your girlfriend turns suicidal (which she probably won't, she's not the first clingy person to threaten it), that's her problem. If she doesn't make friends, that's her problem too. You have to look after number one. In my personal experience, people like this rarely change and you'll just end up feeling suffocated and trapped.

Standman

Have been in your shoes also OP. She's displaying classic manipulative behavior.

For your sanity's sake, you can't stay with someone for fear what they might do to themselves if you break up. Manipulative people often know this and use it as leverage whenever they aren't getting exactly what they want.

You are obviously a caring and empathetic person, but remember that being in a relationship is not and should not be a charity service! It is in no way selfish to get out of a bad relationship no matter how depressed or sad you think your ex will get.

LynnGrace

Agree with previous posters. My first thought on reading your post was that there is no happiness in this situation, for you. It's difficult, but honestly, it does sound like it's time to call time on it. All the best.

jopax

Also agree with previous posters.
You are seriously in over your head in this situation. The longer this relationship goes on the worse it will get.
She sounds like she needs professional help not a boyfriend.
Talk to her sister & maybe other family members if they are approachable.
She is not your responsibility.

stuboy01

OP, this is not a relationship.
TBH it sounds like this person is not ready or mature enough for a relationship. At the moment you are being horribly used and what you describe is emotional abuse of the worst kind that will only get worse as time goes on.
The best thing you can do, for both you and her, is to end it.
Ask yourself this; If it is like this now, what will your 'relationship' be like in 2 or 5 years if it continues like this?

keithclancy

You guys should split for your own good.