Social Interaction

MiloDublin

I'm at a social gathering and meet a gorgeous Chinese woman (I'm a guy) and we hit it off. Good back and forth banter and we get to the 'are you married question?' I say 'no I'm gay' and she says 'I'm surprised you don't give out any gay vibe'
I was uncomfortable. Did she mean I didn't act like a raving queen? I was stumped for an answer but her reply didn't sit right with me. Is it that straights have all these preconceived notions?

is mise spartacus

MiloDublin wrote: »

I'm at a social gathering and meet a gorgeous Chinese woman (I'm a guy) and we hit it off. Good back and forth banter and we get to the 'are you married question?' I say 'no I'm gay' and she says 'I'm surprised you don't give out any gay vibe'
I was uncomfortable. Did she mean I didn't act like a raving queen? I was stumped for an answer but her reply didn't sit right with me. Is it that straights have all these preconceived notions?

People are surprised when I tell them I'm gay.. They say stereotypical things like "oh you're not butch at all" and I'm just like :rolleyes:
Notions, notions, notions

In this case it could just be a cultural thing, depending on how long she's been in Ireland and where in China she's from. Homosexuality in China is pretty much a "don't ask, don't tell" kind of affair and a lot of gay people would not be out, so when they come across the flamboyant/camp stereotype they probably assume that gay people are all like that. Younger people in more liberal cities (namely Shanghai, Guangzhou, Nanjing or Chengdu) would be more used to/more accepting of gay people, but older people and those from more rural areas of China would probably not know any gay people and only ever hear of the flamboyant stereotype.

I doubt she meant any offence, though. In my experience (I lived in China for a few months) Chinese people can sometimes be ignorant but are rarely ever malicious.

MiloDublin

Deleted User wrote: »

In this case it could just be a cultural thing, depending on how long she's been in Ireland and where in China she's from. Homosexuality in China is pretty much a "don't ask, don't tell" kind of affair and a lot of gay people would not be out, so when they come across the flamboyant/camp stereotype they probably assume that gay people are all like that. Younger people in more liberal cities (namely Shanghai, Guangzhou, Nanjing or Chengdu) would be more used to/more accepting of gay people, but older people and those from more rural areas of China would probably not know any gay people and only ever hear of the flamboyant stereotype.

I doubt she meant any offence, though. In my experience (I lived in China for a few months) Chinese people can sometimes be ignorant but are rarely ever malicious.

She is Singapore Chinese, western educated and lives in the UK.

Daith

MiloDublin wrote: »

I was uncomfortable. Did she mean I didn't act like a raving queen? I was stumped for an answer but her reply didn't sit right with me. Is it that straights have all these preconceived notions?

Possibly. Stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason.

hurricanefloss

chill out mate.

J_E

MiloDublin wrote: »

I'm at a social gathering and meet a gorgeous Chinese woman (I'm a guy) and we hit it off. Good back and forth banter and we get to the 'are you married question?' I say 'no I'm gay' and she says 'I'm surprised you don't give out any gay vibe'
I was uncomfortable. Did she mean I didn't act like a raving queen? I was stumped for an answer but her reply didn't sit right with me. Is it that straights have all these preconceived notions?

Generally, straight people see gay as the men acting feminine or the women acting masculine in various degrees, just a social identifier, I wouldn't really worry about it.

Peregrinus

MiloDublin wrote: »

I'm at a social gathering and meet a gorgeous Chinese woman (I'm a guy) and we hit it off. Good back and forth banter and we get to the 'are you married question?' I say 'no I'm gay' and she says 'I'm surprised you don't give out any gay vibe'
I was uncomfortable. Did she mean I didn't act like a raving queen? I was stumped for an answer but her reply didn't sit right with me. Is it that straights have all these preconceived notions?

What makes you think she's straight?

ongarboy

[Deleted User] wrote: »

In this case it could just be a cultural thing, depending on how long she's been in Ireland and where in China she's from. Homosexuality in China is pretty much a "don't ask, don't tell" kind of affair and a lot of gay people would not be out, so when they come across the flamboyant/camp stereotype they probably assume that gay people are all like that. Younger people in more liberal cities (namely Shanghai, Guangzhou, Nanjing or Chengdu) would be more used to/more accepting of gay people, but older people and those from more rural areas of China would probably not know any gay people and only ever hear of the flamboyant stereotype.

I doubt she meant any offence, though. In my experience (I lived in China for a few months) Chinese people can sometimes be ignorant but are rarely ever malicious.

Not just false assumptions of those from such countries not exposed to gay culture or people. There are plenty of Irish people who would assume similar. I even have gay friends who would question the "gayness" of some guys just because they come across so masculine and straight acting. Like it or not, most of us are guilty of stereotyping from time to time.

OP, I doubt your new friend was casting aspersions at you but was just making a neutral observation so I wouldn't let it unsettle you.

MiloDublin

Peregrinus wrote: »

What makes you think she's straight?

She is married to a guy and has three young kids

Goodshape

This happens to me regularly and very rarely would I suspect any offence was intended – but that doesn't mean it's not an annoyance. Would be really great if I could just casually mention my boyfriend or similar to a new person / group, the same way they might mention their opposite-sex SO, but in my mind and all too often in reality that results in this awkward all-eyes-on-me few seconds of silence or even more awkward "you-don't-seem-gay!" style of comment.

Again I don't think there's any homophobia involved – it can just be "a bit of a surprise". Suddenly people want to talk about that or trip over themselves trying to expressly not have a problem with it. I'd just want to get back to the whatever forgotten topic we were discussing beforehand!

So maybe I'll not mention it... which can sometimes feel like I'm denying myself. Or if I leave it too long or only mention to one person in the group.. now it's treated like a "secret", not to be mentioned again. Is there some internalized-homophobia going on if I don't feel comfortable announcing "I'm here and I'm queer"?!

To be honest I suspect this is why some men might affect an outwardly-gay attitude (no, I'm not saying all who do are affecting it!) – it's the embodiment of "yes I'm gay and I'm comfortable with it!". But while I am personally perfectly comfortable being gay, I'm not comfortable affecting any attitude.


So yeah, that can be annoying sometimes. Not wanting to "hide" anything but not wanting to "broadcast" either. I think I've gotten a little bit better at it though. Essentially anticipating that reaction and controlling the conversation myself to avoid the awkward silence or unwanted follow-up interview on my private life.

Peregrinus

If you think that the notion of "gaydar" has any legs at all then, yes, this woman does have a point. At least some people, in their attitudes and actions, manage to signal that they are gay, and at least some people have an aptitude for reading these signals. And, in an environment where gays are a distinct minority, you can see how this can have distinct advantages in enabling people to meet compatible partners.

So this woman may not have been saying anything more than "It surprises me to learn that you are gay, because my gaydar did not detect this".