New Girlfriend and her Sexual Preference

Mikey1979

Hi All, I am in a new relationship of 6 months. She is a great girl and has been very understanding of late due to the arrival of my daughter from a very brief prior relationship. She has one child herself.
We really get on great and our sex life is really good also.
One thing has cropped up lately and she has told me that her fantasies include being taken forcibly and raped. She also mentioned multiple men taking her. I was a bit shocked to hear this as she comes across as quiet/reserved... She wants me to be be agressive in the bedroom and be rough with her.
I have tried it but its not really in my nature to do this to a woman and I know I am falling short in what she wants. I can see the disappointment in her when I try it.
I don't really know how far to take it as I am worried also if i am not pleasing her. I am also finding it hard to understand why a woman would like this fantasy? Am I overthinking?

Crazy8qwerty

Establish a safe word, and discuss with her what she wants you to do to her.

Triceratops Ballet

I wouldn't think it that uncommon, a lot of people like to be dominated.

I think explain your feelings to her and parttake to a level you're comfortable with. It should be something you both enjoy/ are comfortable with. Maybe ask her to give you a rough senario of how she"d like it to play out.

Come up with a safe word, and maybe an comfort scale of 1-10, 10 being the most 1 the least. That way you can be confident that if she is scared she will use the safe word and u can stop and just cuddle. You can then discuss where you both are on the comfort scale with how things went. If its not easy for you she should be as aware of that as you are of her needs

Mikey1979

Should I be concerned about her fantasizing about other men having sex with her while we have sex also?

chatterkiller

Whatever about safe words etc, you shouldn't participate in this sort of thing if it's not something you're into and if you'd get no enjoyment or pleasure out of it. Maybe the two of you just aren't sexually compatible?

Buzz lightdecade

Mikey1979 wrote: »

Hi All, I am in a new relationship of 6 months. She is a great girl and has been very understanding of late due to the arrival of my daughter from a very brief prior relationship. She has one child herself.
We really get on great and our sex life is really good also.
One thing has cropped up lately and she has told me that her fantasies include being taken forcibly and raped. She also mentioned multiple men taking her. I was a bit shocked to hear this as she comes across as quiet/reserved... She wants me to be be agressive in the bedroom and be rough with her.
I have tried it but its not really in my nature to do this to a woman and I know I am falling short in what she wants. I can see the disappointment in her when I try it.
I don't really know how far to take it as I am worried also if i am not pleasing her. I am also finding it hard to understand why a woman would like this fantasy? Am I overthinking?

OP it's a fairly com on fantasy, start off by just taking the lead and doing what you want to do with her, you might surprise yourself Nd find that you enjoy dominating her in the bedroom.

Buzz lightdecade

Mikey1979 wrote: »

Should I be concerned about her fantasizing about other men having sex with her while we have sex also?

It's fairly normal I'd imagine, generally speaking humans aren'the naturally monogamous.

Penny Tration

What you're describing are somewhat common fantasies. I wouldn't worry about them.

However, do NOT do something sexually that you're not happy with. Just as women are told not to be pressured into something they don't like, it's the same for men. If you don't like it and aren't comfortable, be honest about it. We all have different likes, dislikes and fantasies.

If you want to try it, agree a code word, that means stop. My boyfriend and I have two words.One when i'm at my limit, one when he needs to stop. In situations where I can't speak, we have code signals, such as tapping his leg a certain number of times.

Trust, safety and code words are vital, IF you want to do it.

LegacyUser

Tbh, not everyone is into dominating another in bed.

My boyfriend for example is not made that way AT ALL. His natural instinct is to sweet gentle loving sex. I have fantasies about him being a bit more dominant, but I have come to realise that a) that makes him deeply uncomfortable, and b) what is arousing in theory might be a bit unnerving in reality. If he did it, it would be so out of character that it might actually be a bit wierd.

Bottom line, I want him to love our encounters as much as I do. I would hate him to be basically gritting his teeth and performing a piece of fake theatre just so I get my rocks off.

And another thing is that if you understand each others comfort zone, then you can play around WITHIN that, and it brings the persons confidence out a lot. He is a much more confident lover now and I believe it is probably because I let him be him - sweet, gentle, but really really REALLY into it. ;p

It should really not be a dealbreaker in a relationship just cos someone doesn't want to play out a specific fantasy. Thats giving it waaaaaay too much power. We all have other outlets. I read a lot of those adult romance novels where Our Smouldering Hero is forever exhibiting frankly dubious sexual behaviour.

So don't feel like this is something you "have to do to keep her happy". Thats bananas.

LegacyUser

Oh and I should add that IMO it is not unusual to occasionally fantasise about other people.

However it shouldn't be all the time - your partner should be pretty happy its YOU the majority of the time. The occasional fantasy is no big deal. I suppose we all do it the odd time.

But I would say that actually telling the person is a bit bad. I would never tell my boyfriend "Occasionally I imagine you're someone else". Isn't that just bad form? I mean, how is anyone supposed to react to that?

Certainly if he said to me "I imagine sometimes that I'm with Jennifer Lopez" (or worse, "that girl from the pub, you know, the hot one") I'd feel like sh!t on a stick.

LegacyUser

Those fantasies aren't uncommon and, more importantly, they are just fantasies. How she's actually expressing herself sexually is with you. She could, I'm sure, find other men to actually do those things with, but she didn't, she found you, told you about it and you are now the expression of her fantasies. That's huge, she obviously thinks a lot of you to trust you that much and bring you in. Talk to her about it and I'll bet you can find common ground here that satisfies both your needs and becomes a way to express this together.

ManOfMystery

Fantasies are just like play-acting. It's our way of putting ourselves in imaginary situations without the risk and dangers we would experience in real life. Most people who have fantasies about more extreme things (like forced sex, such as your partner has suggested) would never actually want to be in that situation in real life, where intense fear and panic will set in - but luckily a fantasy can proceed without these and they're left with just the high from being in a risque situation.

If you take that viewpoint, maybe you could think more about whether you could act out these fantasies with her and if they would appeal to you. But if you're 100% against them, then you need to express that to her and explain that you're just not comfortable. At the end of the day, both partners have to be enjoying it for their fantasy (and sex life in general) to be successful.

Buzz lightdecade

Diarriffic wrote: »

Oh and I should add that IMO it is not unusual to occasionally fantasise about other people.

However it shouldn't be all the time - your partner should be pretty happy its YOU the majority of the time. The occasional fantasy is no big deal. I suppose we all do it the odd time.

But I would say that actually telling the person is a bit bad. I would never tell my boyfriend "Occasionally I imagine you're someone else". Isn't that just bad form? I mean, how is anyone supposed to react to that?

Certainly if he said to me "I imagine sometimes that I'm with Jennifer Lopez" (or worse, "that girl from the pub, you know, the hot one") I'd feel like sh!t on a stick.

That's just insecurity, people fantasizero about others all the time, it'seems normal.