Toddler tantrums

Novella

My boyfriend's 21 month old son stays with us for a part of the week. He is quite aggressive in that he hits, headbutts, will dig his nails into your skin and scratch etc. Although he is almost two, he says very few words so I am thinking he is just unable to express how he is feeling so acts in this way but it can be difficult to deal with.

His mum says she really struggles to control him so it's not just that he acts like this when he is at our house. She often has scratches from him and has told us that he bites her and so on.

What is the best thing to do? Currently if he hits, we tell him in a firm voice, "That hurts. It is not okay to hit people." or we'll sit him down somewhere, tell him that what he has done is wrong and then leave him there for a minute or two before going back and saying, "We don't hit people, okay? Now let's have a hug."

His behavior does not seem to be improving. Any suggestions?

How Strange

In my experience his behaviour is fairly typical of a toddler his age and you're right to think it's out of frustration because he can't articulate what he's feeling.

We found distraction the best thing. When you see the signs of this behaviour starting try move him away from it by singing sings, doing something funny or diverting his attention to something else.

Praise and reinforce good, positive behaviour and ignore the negative as much as you can. Attention is attention for a 2 year old so if he has you all focused on him for biting, scratching etc then he'll keep doing it because it achieves what he wants; your attention.

Try articulate things for him so if he bites because you wouldn't give him something say 'I know you feel a bit angry because you wanted x and we wouldn't give it to you'. It may seem contrived at the start but it works and it validates whet he is feeling.

I think sitting him down and saying 'no, that's not nice etc' is giving far too much emphasis to his bad behaviour.

If all else fails take him our of the situation by putting him on the soda or somewhere close to you, let him calm down, give him a cuddle when he does and carry on as before.

My son was quite bad at one stage with tantrums and slapping but it's pretty much stopped now. I think it's because he's had a good range of vocabulary since he was 2 and we've been consistent in hoe we deal with his behaviour. We don't do the naughty step btw and we've never found the technique necessary.

How Strange

Also as his parents are separated, they will probably my need to work a little harder to make sure they are consistent in using the same techniques as he's got 2 homes.

Novella

Thanks, HS. Yeah, we probably do draw too much attention to his bad behavior actually so will try distracting him, ignoring it etc. and see how that works. Appreciate your advice!

pwurple

Managing behaviour for us meant looking out for signs of tiredness, hunger and boredom. Aim for prevention as much as possible, Those were the most frequent triggers for getting grouchy and angry.

Does he still nap? If he doesn't maybe try to get a rest at the time he used to nap, with a walk in the buggy, or a lie down /quiet time with a story or something.

Make sure he gets a small snack and drink in the morning between brekkie and lunch, and in the afternoon between lunch and dinner.

The curer for boredom is change activity. They don't have much of an attention span at that age. 15 mins to 30 mins is about the limit.

Novella

pwurple wrote: »

Managing behaviour for us meant looking out for signs of tiredness, hunger and boredom. Aim for prevention as much as possible, Those were the most frequent triggers for getting grouchy and angry.

Does he still nap? If he doesn't maybe try to get a rest at the time he used to nap, with a walk in the buggy, or a lie down /quiet time with a story or something.

Make sure he gets a small snack and drink in the morning between brekkie and lunch, and in the afternoon between lunch and dinner.

The curer for boredom is change activity. They don't have much of an attention span at that age. 15 mins to 30 mins is about the limit.

Yes, he's a really good sleeper actually. He naps for about two hours in the afternoon and sleeps for twelve hours a night.

He definitely gets a snack too, he loves his food!

The main triggers of his bad behaviour are when he doesn't get what he wants and when he can't tell you what he wants and you're not sure. For example, if I'm sitting in a chair doing some work or eating or whatever, he sometimes comes over and takes my hand wanting me to get up to play with him. I'll tell him that I can't get up right then because I'm busy but that I'll play with him soon and daddy will play now. This isn't good enough for him so he'll either throw himself on to the floor crying or hit me, dig his nails into my skin or if his dad comes to take him away, will hit him.

Other times, he'll point in a direction and I might not be too sure what he is looking for so I'll make suggestions, "You want your drink?" "You want this toy?" etc. but if I can't figure it out, he becomes aggressive.

He is a wonderful, funny and placid little boy overall but I just wanted to make sure that I/we deal with this behaviour correctly. I don't have kids of my own and he is my boyfriend's (and the mum's) first child so it's a learning curve for everybody.

Calmsurrender

Is he bored?
Whats he doing prior to coming over and asking you to play?
Does his dad play with him?

Novella

Calmsurrender wrote: »

Is he bored?
Whats he doing prior to coming over and asking you to play?
Does his dad play with him?

He's usually playing with his dad before he comes over to me but he seems to like my attention and want it all of the time. If I'm playing with him, he very rarely goes to his dad and wants him to join in. I don't know why but he's quite clingy to me, frequently wanting me to hold him etc.

I don't mind holding him at all and I really enjoy playing with him but sometimes I need to sit down! If I sit at the table to eat breakfast for example, he'll take my hand and try pull me up. It's when I don't get up that he'll hit or scrape or throw himself on to the floor.

I don't think he's bored because dad does the same things with him that I do - colouring, playing with his mini golf set, chasing each other around the living room, games etc.