Problem with friend

PawneeRanger

Where to start...right, well I have been friends with a woman, I'll call her Mary, I work with for a few years now. She's in her 50s, I'm 30. We've always got along really well, we both suffer from depression but have a good sense of humour as a coping mechanism.

I've known for a while now that she's been struggling with work (neither of us are happy in our job) and I've been as supportive as possible. I always try to listen, I try not to judge, and I'm happy to offer advice if requested. I've done my fair share of moaning of late too and she has listened to me.

About two weeks ago she was really off with me in work. In the morning I thought she was just tired/grumpy as has happened in the past so I kept my distance. About an hour later she was full of beans chatting to another co-worker and went over to join them as I would have done lots of times before. Mary looked at me and says "What?" very snappy. I was a bit taken aback and said "Erm, have I done something to you?" She sighed and said "Not that I'm aware of." I said "Okie doke. What are you doing for break?" She said "Meeting Tom." (her husband) and she walked off. I still thought she was probably just having a bad day so I kept out of her way for the rest of the day. Between her being on leave and me being on leave we didn't see each other until this Tuesday. Last week, when I was working and Mary wasn't, I had a run-in with one of the senior staff (I'm not the only one this has happened to, it's one of the reasons there are a lot of unhappy staff in our place..) and was very upset over it. I got a text from Mary the day after telling me that she heard what happened the day before "but anyway" another co-worker told her I was pissed off with her and that she wasn't off with me and if I wanted an explanation I should have said it to her. She told me that she can't deal with anymore work stuff and doesn't want to hear about what happened the day before. I replied, and I fully admit I was annoyed at this stage. I was still smarting over the work incident the day before and then to get this message that was basically telling me I wasn't going to get any support from her at all when I had given her plenty in the past - it hurt. I replied and said that I did ask her if I had done anything and she said no but she was quite rude about it. I also told her that I was upset that she didn't even ask if I was ok after what happened the day before and that I had hoped she would have been able to offer some support, as I had done for her many, many times before... the most recent being a night out a few weeks ago where she got drunk and cried on my shoulder the whole night. She replied and told me she didn't need to explain herself to me and that she was done with it. I told her I wasn't expecting her to explain herself and that I didn't need this either. Anyway, it was stupid and emotions were running high on both sides. I stopped texting and decided to leave it alone until we both calmed down.

So in the meantime she deleted me from facebook, she blocked me on twitter but not before tweeting some passive aggressive stuff that was obviously aimed at me. She sent messages to two of our mutual friends (the 4 of us went on holidays together 3 months ago, no problems there whatsoever.) telling them that they obviously don't want to talk to her anymore "in light of recent events" and that she understands and wishes them well. She phoned another co-worker who is a close friend of mine but Mary wouldn't know her that well, and told her that we had a massive falling out and that she didn't want my friend to get caught in the middle. All three of my friends knew nothing about this because I never said anything.

When I saw her on Tuesday she just blanked me completely. She wouldn't even be civil to me. I said hello when she came in and she ignored me. The same yesterday and today. It's now the talk of the office and I find it very upsetting.

One of our mutual friends that she sent the message to has told me that Mary had behaved similarly in the past and that she basically had a nervous breakdown. I know she's been struggling with her depression and I'm really trying to be understanding, but at the same time I'm so hurt that someone who I thought was such a good friend could cut me out of her life so easily.

I don't know how I can fix this or if I should even try.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Misery loves company. She's made her feelings quite clear and I know you've done nothing wrong but to be honest I'd cut my loses and leave her off.
You don't need that drama. Don't bad mouth her in work and don't engage in petty sniping.

jopax

I would be very wary of her after her behaviour.
It doesn't make sense to treat you like that, to be honest it seems very heartless.
I would leave her to herself until she gets over her huff.
How you would move forward friendship wise really does depend on whether there is any genuine effort on her behalf.
She sounds very highly strung and why would you want to be on the receiving end of her moods.

Merkin

You've done nothing wrong, you've behaved well and consequently can hold your head up high. I wouldn't engage with her any further. I'd be polite and civil but as above I'd extricate myself from the friendship as she has behaved really badly and it's not up to you to either a. Fix her or b. act as her emotional punchbag.

Mr. Incognito

Who wants that drama around. Better off shot of her

Oryx

She is needy and unstable. Its not your job to keep her stable or be her crutch, so just get on with your life and dont dwell on it. You did nothing wrong, Mary is just a deeply unhappy 'all or nothing' personality.

PawneeRanger

Thanks for the replies. I am veering towards just cutting my losses and I know it would be the healthiest thing to do. I feel a bit stuck because the two mutual friends have been very supportive but are still making excuses for her...."she's obviously not well" "there's definitely a problem here." I get that, and I am concerned about her mental state, but equally I feel a bit let down that she just gets to behave like a nasty cow to me and continue on as normal.

I'm also very concerned about work. I already know she's been talking about me and twisting things so far beyond what actually happened. The place I work has plenty of snipey middled aged women who like nothing better than a good bitch. I've seen others be made to feel very uncomfortable when there's been a fall out. It probably sounds totally selfish but I want to cover my own arse here. I feel like she's a loose cannon at the moment and could cause some serious problems for me.

It's such a mess

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Do. Not. Engage.


Don't turn it into a petty fight involving the whol office. If that's how she chooses to do it, it reflects badly on her. Don't stoop to that level. You haven't done anything wrong so there's no need to get sucked into something she's fabricated. If people will turn on you without at least talking to you about the problem then you don't need them in your life either.

She'll realise she lost a good friend soon enough and will need you before you need her. Meet better friends. Friends who make you feel good

Sociopath2

Walk away, she is of absolutely no use to you. No one is worth that kind of drama.

Stavro Mueller

Also OP if you're not already job hunting start looking around now. Life's too short to be working in that place.

Rubberchikken

i personally, couldn't and never, encourage drama such as you've described. i simply don't have the patience for it.
if you're unhappy in the job, then start searching for a new one.

your workmate, mary, could be heading for an episode, who knows. she could be embarassed at having cried on your shoulder about her problems and now doesn't know how to deal with that, so she's gone on the defensive.

don't take on any more of this. do your job and get on with living your life.
take care

LynnGrace

Agreed.
Try not to get drawn into the drama. If there is a possibility of moving from that particular job or team, have a go. Others are probably not that bothered, so just try to be in the company of people who have no interest in this, and just maintain a polite distance.

Remember how important your own health is, and protect that.

PawneeRanger

Thank you all for the replies.

After another horrible day on Friday with her very pointedly ignoring me I've decided to cut my losses. She's referred to me as a bully and a liar on Twitter so she can sod off now.

I've been keeping on eye on jobs lately but I think it's time to start pro-actively looking. Life is too short.

Thanks again.

jopax

Sorry to hear she has resorted to bad mouthing you, the shame is on her.
At least you know what a vindictive and nasty woman she is.
Hope you move on to s nicer job environment and friends.
Best of luck!

PawneeRanger

Hi all,

Back for some more advice on this issue. After the last post I decided to cut my losses with her and continue as normal in work. She unfortunately decided that being passive aggressive was the way to play it. I let it go for a good 2 months but she then began being very cold to co-workers that I would get along well with. If she saw them talking to me she would be rude to them in their next interaction. If I'm not there she's all pally with them. One of these co-workers mentioned it to one of the senior staff who kept an eye on things for a while and then approached me and asked if everything was ok. I explained the situation to her , ie there was an argument outside of work that I had hoped would be left there but Mary has been increasingly hostile. This supervisor suggested I attempt to speak to Mary informally and see if we could resolve it. I did as she suggested and was met with outright anger. She told me to leave her alone and said repeatedly that she had done nothing wrong and was only doing her job and that I was just trying to get her in trouble. That evening on twitter she posted comments about how if you don't say anything hostile people haven't a leg to stand on. It was bizarre.

Anyway, I spoke to the same supervisor who then suggested we have an informal sit down with the two of us, her, and another supervisor. I readily agreed. The meeting was equally bizarre. Mary refused to engage with me and directed all her comments through the supervisors - it was as though I wasn't there. I told her that I felt her behaviour was inappropriate and that she had brought a personal argument into work when she should have left it at the door. She said she didn't bring anything into work and then in the next breath said that she had the transcript of the argument printed out and in her bag. She was unequivocally told to leave it there by both supervisors. I told her that I wanted her to stop ignoring me as it was creating an atmosphere. She said she wasn't ignoring me but was avoiding me. Both supervisors pointed out that this was semantics and how this can make people feel uncomfortable and that she should recognise that. She sighed, rolled her eyes, and generally behaved in what I felt was a rather obstructive manner.

She then claimed that I had been spreading stories about her in the other departments that we work with, saying that she had heard "horrible" things that I've been saying to people. I told her outright "bull****". I told her that the only people I had discussed this with are the people she involved - two of whom she has cut off. I've seen her do this before. She's unbelievably paranoid and assumes everyone is talking about her and hates her, etc. None of it is true. When I asked for specifics she refused to engage and changed the subject. It was left that we would both agree to be polite and work together in an adult fashion. This has not happened. She continues to ignore me, sigh when I'm anywhere near her and make false claims that I've been spreading lies.

She recently sent an email to one of our mutual friends that she has cut off. In this email she details a very skewed view of what happened in the original argument and again claims that I have spread lies to all and sundry. She uses this as her defence for how she treats me in work. She said that I have called her vile and a c*nt and that I have spoken about her with absolute venom - again, of course, no details as to the people I've supposedly said this to. I would never let myself down like that, particularly in my work place, and thankfully my friend is aware of this. However, I am concerned that not everyone will know this and she could be doing some serious damage to my reputation.

I am unsure as to how I should proceed with this. I don't want to let things continue as they are but equally I don't want this to explode into a big drama, which is what I feel she really wants to happen.

Any advice?

Deranged96

What a crazy bitch.
You can either ignore her or appease her in the short term but if your situation allows it you should probably leave that toxic environment and get a new job.

Since ignoring her is innefective you might try placating her. A good old I'm sorry could do the trick... A bitter pill for you to swallow no doubt since you're not in the wrong but just for the sake of peace.

You should also resist looking at her twitter out bursts, staring into the abyss is never a good idea. Good call for the supervisors when they said no to the transcripts

As to why she's being so horrible: sometimes when someone sees you at your weakest and takes pity (you on that night out) it f*cks up the dynamic of the relationship for ever. It would fit in with her highly strung personality to view with contempt for that.. As messed up as it sounds.

Anyway good luck you seem tough enough to handle her whatever course of action you take

R.D. aka MR.D

Don't worry, from what you've described she is acting inappropriately.

It can be difficult to see when you are in the middle of it because you doubt yourself but as long as you don't sink to her level, everyone will know that she is the one in the wrong.

Penny Tration

Time to go to HR with an official complaint or bullying.

CaraMay

Yeah she is definitely bullying you. Report her formally.

disengage

OP you sound like you have the patience of a saint. Pretty disappointing that your supervisors have allowed this continue if you ask me.

If she's disciplined you will be the worst person in the world. Just bear that in mind.

Look for alternative employment asap.

Stavro Mueller

OP, if you go down the HR route you need to be keeping a log of everything that's happening so you can build your case. Dates/times/descriptions of what happened. Have you kept screenshots of those Twitter outbursts?

Having said that, don't think that HR dealing with this is going to solve it. I've heard enough stories to have come to the conclusion that HR dealing with bullying issues is no magic bullet. Unless they can find a reason to sack her or can move her to somewhere else, you're still going to be stuck working with her. Some people who bully others just can't help themselves and she might just continue what she's at but at a far more subtle level. Also if you make a complaint, your colleagues are going to be dragged into it as well because they'll be interviewed. I'm not saying don't complain to HR but be aware that it might not go as well as you think it will.

Did you try job hunting at all after you initially posted?

PawneeRanger

Thanks all.

I have been looking for another job and have had a couple of interviews but have lost out to people with more experience. I'm currently doing an evening course to try to help me move on from where I am and in the past few weeks have been focused on that.

HR in my organisation are not very good. She's been brought in front of them in the past for behaviour issues and nothing appears to have changed. I also don't want to drag my colleagues into it, particularly my friend that got the recent email.

I have never had to deal with such paranoia so I'm just feeling a bit lost at the moment.

Penny Tration

If this is also happening through social media and non-work email, you could consider documenting it to bring to the gardai. Pretty sure that'd be classed as harassment.

PawneeRanger

Jingle_Balls wrote: »

If this is also happening through social media and non-work email, you could consider documenting it to bring to the gardai. Pretty sure that'd be classed as harassment.

I have screenshots of the tweets. The problem is that she doesn't openly direct them at me and could very easily deny that they're about me. I've come to realise that this is how she operates. She seems to be of the opinion that if she doesn't say or do anything overtly hostile she is then untouchable.

I think the only option is to keep plugging away looking for work elsewhere.

Stavro Mueller

Even so, keep everything documented. You don't know what twists this could take yet and you may find yourself glad that you kept records.

RedemptionZ

Bizarre situation. She sounds like someone who is seriously damaged mentally. I'd feel bad for her more than anything else, she sounds like a miserable person.

It'd be tough to reason with someone like that. I think you'll have to move job unfortunately.

PawneeRanger

RedemptionZ wrote: »

Bizarre situation. She sounds like someone who is seriously damaged mentally. I'd feel bad for her more than anything else, she sounds like a miserable person.

It'd be tough to reason with someone like that. I think you'll have to move job unfortunately.

Totally agree. There is clearly a major problem here and at the beginning of his mess, while being annoyed with her behaviour, I was also concerned as it is simply not normal. The more it continues the more evident it becomes that there are some very real mental issues going on here. I guess my concern has given way to self-preservation at this stage.

There is no reason or rationality in this situation, unfortunately. She has it in her head now that I've gone from department to department bad mouthing her and there is no changing that. Without wanting to sound too dramatic, I feel as though she's slandering me and doing her best to ruin my reputation while presenting herself as the victim.

Stavro Mueller

Does your employer know she's struggling with depression and perhaps other mental health issues? Because from where I'm sitting it very much looks like the wheels are coming off the wagon so to speak.

PawneeRanger

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Does your employer know she's struggling with depression and perhaps other mental health issues? Because from where I'm sitting it very much looks like the wheels are coming off the wagon so to speak.

As far as I know, they are aware. To what extent, though, I couldn't say.

LynnGrace

PawneeRanger wrote: »

There is no reason or rationality in this situation, unfortunately. She has it in her head now that I've gone from department to department bad mouthing her and there is no changing that. Without wanting to sound too dramatic, I feel as though she's slandering me and doing her best to ruin my reputation while presenting herself as the victim.

The only thing is OP, if she is known for doing this, people will be less likely to believe what she is saying about you. I hope you have someone at work that you can confide in, even for a bit of support. Would it help to chat with your own supervisor again, I think you said she was party to the meeting where this person offered to produce transcripts? Very strange behaviour, indeed.

I've no advice to offer, that hasn't already been given, by previous posters.
Any kind of hassle at work is very wearing, so take extra care of your health.

PawneeRanger

LynnGrace wrote: »

The only thing is OP, if she is known for doing this, people will be less likely to believe what she is saying about you.

Yes, this has been keeping me somewhat sane in work One colleague who has witnessed past behaviour by her has commented to me to "take no notice" because as he said "you're not the first and you won't be the last." He knows none of the details, just that she's not speaking to me.

LynnGrace wrote: »

I hope you have someone at work that you can confide in, even for a bit of support. Would it help to chat with your own supervisor again, I think you said she was party to the meeting where this person offered to produce transcripts? Very strange behaviour, indeed.

Yes, this supervisor has been great. After the meeting they commended me on how I conducted myself and advised me to keep going as I have been as the problem is clearly not on my side. I might have a follow-up chat.

LynnGrace wrote: »

I've no advice to offer, that hasn't already been given, by previous posters.
Any kind of hassle at work is very wearing, so take extra care of your health.

Thank you very much, LynnGrace. I have had a lot of sleepless nights over this and it was getting to me a lot. But I am trying to remind myself that this is all her.

Stavro Mueller

I think another chat with your supervisor would be a good idea. Whether anything can be done about it or not is another problem - it may need to be kicked up to HR. Especially if it becomes clear that this is a mental health issue.

It may not be obvious to you but I'd be confident that everyone in your workplace knows exactly what's going on. Even the people who are being nice and polite to "Mary" and acting as if everything's nice and normal.

Pat Mustard

PawneeRanger wrote: »

Without wanting to sound too dramatic, I feel as though she's slandering me and doing her best to ruin my reputation while presenting herself as the victim.

At work, we have certain dealings with a particular organisation. Some time back, one of their employees left. After she left, they blamed her for a lot of mistakes that had occurred in their office.

As time went by, that former employee continued to be blamed by them for various failings until we became aware of a situation that she couldn't possibly have caused due to the timing involved.

Everybody knows that these people are liars now and that they had been blaming their former employee in the wrong.

OP, your former friend is going to get caught out if she continues to tell lies about you. If you can ignore what she is saying about you, I'd guess that she will cause her own unravelling.

StevieNicksFan

I have no other advice which has not been given but it seems that her illness is taking hold to such an extent, that she feels she has no control over private aspects her own life. To distract herself from this, she invests so much time into controlling her interactions with you and others. It takes her away from her own misery and deflects it onto you. If she is constantly focusing on ignoring you/spreading lies/being generally awkward, it gives her something to invest in - makes her feel like she is 'winning' at life in a way. Unfortunately for her, the repercussions will be felt. She cannot go through life treating people this way. I hope you are successful in finding another job, because it will be hugely beneficial for your own mental health. It's hard enough getting through a day's work without someone else hell bent on sucking the life out of you and making you doubt yourself. Rest assured, when you do leave, her focus will shift onto someone else (unfortunately) but at this stage you will be free. I wouldn't be surprised if she came crawling back looking for friendship but I know you are not going to make that mistake twice! Look after yourself though and best of luck:)