Would you stay in a bad situation?

Milky Moo

I started a new job a few months ago, and I bloody well hated it, the organisation was directionless and the boss was the type of guy who you wondered how he could ever get a position anywhere, let alone be the head of a company.

Thankfully I am moving on to a new job next week. I have always extracted myself pretty quickly from any situation that I found isn't good for me. I generally try to give it a shot/ settling in period but if it isn't working for me I am gone. I don't want to spend my life drudging through a situation the makes me feel miserable on a day to day basis.

It got me wondering, why do some people stay in a bad situation? You know the type: they hate their job, bitch about their partner or spit vile about living in Ireland.

Why do some people continue living in a situation they are deeply unhappy with instead of making a change? Of course it is difficult to make major changes but isn't it harder to go through life feeling awful about your situation?

Birneybau

Some people can't just walk away.

People are more afraid of what they don't know than what they do know. It's easier to stay somewhere familiar and bitch about it, than to move on and make your own way and take responsibility for your life.

beks101

One thing I've found to be true of life is that most people are petrified of change and will avoid it at all costs, even if it means being absolutely fcuking miserable instead.

Then there are the practical things like money, mortgage, kids etc.

topper75

beks101 wrote: »

Then there are the practical things like money, mortgage, kids etc.

Other jobs pay money too though I'd assume.

Inertia is as much a principle in human behaviour as it is in physics. Sad in the former. Interesting in the latter.

Don't be afraid to change the furniture around. There might not be an afterlife!:pac: That is MY fear.

beks101

topper75 wrote: »

Other jobs pay money too though I'd assume.

Inertia is as much a principle in human behaviour as it is in physics. Sad in the former. Interesting in the latter.

Don't be afraid to change the furniture around. There might not be an afterlife!:pac: That is MY fear.

I find the biggest life changes can carry with them a high degree of risk, and some people simply aren't risk takers.

Say you hate your job and general line of work - changing fields might require going back to college or taking up some new qualification which is going to be costly, and the industry you want to get into might be a big gamble in terms of securing the same level of work and pay as you currently have.

Say you're not in love with your partner but are in a long term relationship - breaking up might involve the risk of being on your own indefinitely and not getting to settle down/have a family (more likely if you're a woman), it might cause major friction within both sets of family, loss of friendships, financial issues etc.

In the face of that kind of risk lots of people will choose to fester in misery and just complain relentlessly over the earthquake of uncertainty that real change presents.

wazky

So sad, so sad, it's a sad sad situation.

groucho marx

Those people are not as brave as you,so ruddy ruddy brave like braveheart

seamus

"Better the devil you know"

beks101 sums it up very well.

There is also a small subset of people who love to wallow in misery. The kind who love whingeing about how crap everything is and when they see someone else enjoying themselves, love nothing more than to take them down a peg or two.

diomed

I'm guessing the OP is young, with choices. He is not brave, just lucky.
If you are 55, with twenty years in the job, with almost zero prospects outside, then you stay.

ash23

The old frog in boiling water analogy sums it up.

Drop a frog in boiling water and it jumps out. Put it in cool water and slowly boil it....it'll stay and be boiled to death.

Most people won't go straight into a rubbish situation and stay. But if they have a good job they like but it slowly changes it's not as obvious that it's gotten so bad because the changes have been gradual.

A relationship might start out amazing but change over time slowly until it's crap but you don't realise how awful it really has gotten.

TeamJesus

ash23 wrote: »

The old frog in boiling water analogy sums it up.

Drop a frog in boiling water and it jumps out. Put it in cool water and slowly boil it....it'll stay and be boiled to death.

Most people won't go straight into a rubbish situation and stay. But if they have a good job they like but it slowly changes it's not as obvious that it's gotten so bad because the changes have been gradual.

A relationship might start out amazing but change over time slowly until it's crap but you don't realise how awful it really has gotten.

So true, but if this happens did you "let it" happen?

I can easily see how this could happen.. to anyone!

The Strawman Argument

I think it's far more to do with the difficulty of cutting your losses than the risk of the new, having to outright and definitively acknowledge that you've, in some way or another, wasted a huge chunk of time on something that's just not gonna give you what you expected. People seem to be far less willing to give up on investments they've made than they are to take new risks from my experience; and of course, the longer they spend hmming and hawing over it, the more they're investing... It's a vicious circle.


It's the amount of energy required to try something new which genuinely appeals to you that's more likely to be off-putting than the risk associated with it.

beks101

The Strawman Argument wrote: »

I think it's far more to do with the difficulty of cutting your losses than the risk of the new, having to outright and definitively acknowledge that you've, in some way or another, wasted a huge chunk of time on something that's just not gonna give you what you expected. People seem to be far less willing to give up on investments they've made than they are to take new risks from my experience; and of course, the longer they spend hmming and hawing over it, the more they're investing... It's a vicious circle.

That's probably true too. Stockholm Syndrome. Emotional attachment to something that really is hindering you more than helping you, but has become habit. Has become, in a sense, who you are. Moving on from it and leaving all that behind can seem like a rejection of you and your life as you know it.

And often that carries through for years. You move on from something to seemingly make a "positive change" and carry residual issues from it, trust issues or bitterness or a rose-tinted sentimentality for something that you never enjoyed in the first place. Sounds weird, but I emigrated several years ago and see that everywhere - people who were in a rut and moved abroad, only to pine for a life that they detested and moaned about relentlessly before they left.

People are complicated.

steddyeddy

A girl I met in college was "ordered" to leave her degree in maths by her controlling insecure boyfriend (you can tell I was fond of him right?). He thought she was having too many male friends. This girl's parents died when she was eleven and he stepped in and controlled her from that day on. She excelled in college and didn't have to study. Sitting next to this girl made me feel very stupid. Eventually the BF broke her and she left college.

Now I'm of two minds about this:

1. He's a d1ck
2. She's F-ING idiot

I completely understand someone feeling so crap they feel they deserve to be treated badly but It's hard to have sympathy forever. I walked out of a home situation I wasn't happy with at fifteen. You and only you pick how you want to be treated. If you're in a relationship where someone is abusive get out and get help but don't take it. At a certain point you have to take responsibility for it.


Edit: As other posters said it is the fear of the unknown.

my teapot is orange

What was said already about being afraid of change.

But also, many people like a good exaggerated moan, and if it seems they really hate their job, maybe actually they just slightly dislike a couple of aspects of it, and know that in reality no job is perfect, so the next one won't be better so they don't move.

The Strawman Argument

beks101 wrote: »

And often that carries through for years. You move on from something to seemingly make a "positive change" and carry residual issues from it, trust issues or bitterness or a rose-tinted sentimentality for something that you never enjoyed in the first place. Sounds weird, but I emigrated several years ago and see that everywhere - people who were in a rut and moved abroad, only to pine for a life that they detested and moaned about relentlessly before they left.

That'd be down to thinking the move alone is going to solve your problems? which may or may not stem from your previous circumstances, but instead you've just given up everything you had and your issues are still there.

I know I had to do a few biggish changes under the foolish assumption that they'd alone resolve everything before realising a lot of it is on changing my own perception and behaviour. It's very hard to disentangle the two and very easy to blame the one that seems easier to deal with.

jamo2oo9

Life's too short to be miserable all the time. If I ever gotten into a situation like OP's, I would've done the same, leave the job and find something else that'd make me happy.

beks101

The Strawman Argument wrote: »

That'd be down to thinking the move alone is going to solve your problems? which may or may not stem from your previous circumstances, but instead you've just given up everything you had and your issues are still there.

I know I had to do a few biggish changes under the foolish assumption that they'd alone resolve everything before realising a lot of it is on changing my own perception and behaviour. It's very hard to disentangle the two and very easy to blame the one that seems easier to deal with.

Ugh, aint that the truth. Confusing the external with the internal and thinking that one can change the other. I think most people get roped into this at some stage.

And then there are those people who just hold this world view that life always needs to be a struggle and they are just meant to be fundamentally unhappy to their core. Almost as if they're comfortable being miserable. No matter how many times you change the scenery for this type of person they'll always come back to their default position of life being sh1t and woe is me.

steddyeddy

When it comes to simple things like a job try to change it first by letting whoever know you want it changed. If that doesn't work, leave.

looksee

Sorry, I am a bit caught up with that frog. How would it jump out again? Wouldn't it be boiled instantly? Poor frog

ash23

I've stayed in crappy jobs because I was stuck. Needed a very specific job with specific hours and also needed to be in a certain locality and still earn enough to support a family. Eventually got one but it took time and I was miserable. But stuck. And it was scary because if it didn't work out I was screwed.

Stayed in a miserable relationship trying to make it work. We had a house, child involved. ...was putting the child's needs ahead of my own until it got to the point where being in the relationship was bad for the kid because of fighting and general misery.
Didn't stop the child being devastated though.

It's not always easy to prioritise your own happiness when others might suffer in the process

berrygood

beks101 wrote: »

In the face of that kind of risk lots of people will choose to fester in misery and just complain relentlessly over the earthquake of uncertainty that real change presents.

I like the way you phrased this.

I did it once. Worst decision I ever made. It really is fear that binds one to the situation. I was afraid of not finding another job, of what that job would be like, less money etc. Looking back, I really don't know how I stuck it out for as long as I did. I was miserable! The place nearly broke me in the end. The funny thing is I would have never stayed in a bad situation before that job and I, to this day, continue to be amazed that I stayed for as long as I did.

I'd rather take the risk. Even if the risk doesn't work out. Far better than being crippled by fear.

gizmo555

steddyeddy wrote: »

Edit: As other posters said it is the fear of the unknown.

There are risks and costs to action. But they are far less than the long range risks of comfortable inaction.

John F. Kennedy

ToddyDoody

I've found that anyone who bitches and moans about work, a relationship or whatever aren't really in a critical stage of misery. Its when there's significant silent suffering that a person should move on, because there's obviously difficulties which is over and above what anyone else / the other person is experiencing.

In my case, I'm leaving my job again. I'll really do it this time... well, I will really do it some day...... I will.....:rolleyes: