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Family wedding invitation - refusal etiquette?

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  • 04-09-2014 8:37am
    #1
    Aglomerado
    Registered Users Posts: 5,763 ✭✭✭


    I've just gotten an invite to a cousin's wedding later in the year.

    The thing is I don't want to go (for various reasons over the years I do not attend family gatherings. It's also mid week in another county so I'd need 2 days off work.). I'm not particularly close to this cousin, even as kids we were not friendly (not hostile either though, just indifferent!) I do wish her and her husband-to-be every happiness in the future.
    So, my question is (because I am clueless about weddings): do I need to send a gift when (or after) I politely decline, and if so to the value of how much? An RSVP card is enclosed. Is it normal to send one of those "Wedding regret" cards?

    Advice appreciated. Ta. :)


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    #2
    lazygal
    Registered Users Posts: 12,644 ✭✭✭✭lazygal


    Send back the RSVP card and it's up to you if you want to give a token gift. If you don't want to, it's no big deal. Tbh I feel a lot of cousins invite out of a sense of duty or family pressure so they probably won't be heartbroken that you can't go.


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    #3
    stargazer 68
    Registered Users Posts: 5,093 ✭✭✭stargazer 68


    lazygal wrote: »
    Send back the RSVP card and it's up to you if you want to give a token gift. If you don't want to, it's no big deal. Tbh I feel a lot of cousins invite out of a sense of duty or family pressure so they probably won't be heartbroken that you can't go.

    Yep. Just tick 'can't attend' and send it back. I wouldnt give a gift but it is up to you.


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    #4
    razorblunt
    Registered Users Posts: 17,300 ✭✭✭✭razorblunt


    Aglomerado wrote: »
    I've just gotten an invite to a cousin's wedding later in the year.

    The thing is I don't want to go (for various reasons over the years I do not attend family gatherings. It's also mid week in another county so I'd need 2 days off work.). I'm not particularly close to this cousin, even as kids we were not friendly (not hostile either though, just indifferent!) I do wish her and her husband-to-be every happiness in the future.
    So, my question is (because I am clueless about weddings): do I need to send a gift when (or after) I politely decline, and if so to the value of how much? An RSVP card is enclosed. Is it normal to send one of those "Wedding regret" cards?

    Advice appreciated. Ta. :)

    We're having a Thursday wedding and obviously not everyone can make it, some RSVPs came back with a note saying it was too difficult to get time off, we didn't take any offence and appreciated the little note that came along with it. Some stated they'd send a gift along with person x who was attending others didn't. In the end we were just happy they replied!


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    #5
    clint_silver
    Registered Users Posts: 2,895 ✭✭✭clint_silver


    razorblunt wrote: »
    We're having a Thursday wedding and obviously not everyone can make it, some RSVPs came back with a note saying it was too difficult to get time off, we didn't take any offence and appreciated the little note that came along with it. Some stated they'd send a gift along with person x who was attending others didn't. In the end we were just happy they replied!
    This is norm. Worst thing can happen is someone doesn't reply. Send back RSVP with "sorry we can't attend but wish you all te best for future and hope you have a great day". No need for excuse. They'll understand. If they don't, that's their problem you went out of your way to let them know.
    I wouldn't give a gift either but you can if you wish depending on your own relationship with them.


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    #6
    Typer Monkey
    Registered Users Posts: 941 ✭✭✭Typer Monkey


    I agree with the others. I'm sure they won't take offence and will be just glad you replied (in fact they may be glad of a few refusals!) My RSVP date just passed and I'd say 80% of people didn't bother their a** to RSVP. Now the vast majority of these are attending but there were some who aren't going but we still had to chase them for an answer. I don't know if they were worried about offending me or what but I wasn't in the slightest, I just wanted replies! ;)

    (Off topic I know but I actually couldn't have made it easier to RSVP, I included a phone number to text or an email address option. I'd hate to see if I'd wanted them to go buy a stamp and go to the effort of posting it to me! :D )


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    #7
    Aglomerado
    Registered Users Posts: 5,763 ✭✭✭Aglomerado


    Thanks to you all for the responses. Seems I was worrying over very little! Seeing as I haven't had a conversation with this cousin since 1996 I think it might be OK just to send a card, no gift. Cheers. :D


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    #8
    marco_polo
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators Posts: 10,079 Mod ✭✭✭✭marco_polo


    Don't sweat it OP if you haven't seen them in that long, in all likelyhood they probably only sent the invite because they felt they ought to, and most like they will be fully expecting you to decline with no hard feelings either way.


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    #9
    kkcatlou
    Registered Users Posts: 332 ✭✭kkcatlou


    As the others have said, just send back the RSVP card with a little note where you wish them all the best. Don't send it back and say nothing. We got back a few refusals, and all but one had a note at the end and that one has stuck out in my head!! Just say something like "Really sorry we can't make it, but hope you both have an amazing day."...

    Also, any time I've been invited and not gone to a wedding, I've sent a small gift, but it wouldn't be expected!
    (Off topic I know but I actually couldn't have made it easier to RSVP, I included a phone number to text or an email address option. I'd hate to see if I'd wanted them to go buy a stamp and go to the effort of posting it to me! )

    With regards to the RSVPs - we put stamps on our RSVPs and an email address. We got 80% back by the RSVP date, and only had to chase up a few. Definitely didn't go down the text route, I think it leads to messiness, and is a bit too casual for my liking. Of the 120 invites we sent out, about 25 replied by email (mostly overseas or people who couldn't make it and wanted to explain why) and the rest all used the stamped RSVP, so I would highly recommend investing the €60 or so for your own sanity!!


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    #10
    Gatica
    Registered Users Posts: 3,300 ✭✭✭Gatica


    The only polite thing that's required is to RSVP by one of the methods the hosts provide, whether you're accepting or refusing.
    After that, everything else is a bonus. There's no need to give a reason, it's none of their business really but if you think it'll make a difference, then do. We got congrats cards off people that weren't invited to the wedding or that didn't attend. That was a really nice gesture and we'll keep those cards as mementos. It's nice to send a card, but it certainly is not required, especially as you're not close.
    Gift also entirely optional.


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