Am I overreacting?

LegacyUser

Hi all, thanks for taking the time to read this. It feels a little pathetic to write this next to other people's problems but I don't really feel like I can mention it to anyone.

I'm living with my boyfriend for over a year now and am very much certain that he is the one for me. When we moved here it took me longer to find employment so he loaned me some money (which I'm paying back) and was very supportive. This was part of a large savings that he had and there is plenty more but I am (slowly but surely repaying) it. Anyway whilst my partner is very good about that kind of stuff he is keeping a little ready reckoner as to my contributions and repayments and even though it's very methodical and I am usually forthright with paying there was a discrepancy and he thought I hadn't paid one month (which I had). The clinical way he deals with it kind of upsets me. I'm a public sector worker and have an ok salary but some debt due to extra study because of the recession. My partner is a professional and earns significantly more that I do. Although any profit is being put back into the business at the moment. He has savings and other income too. I just feel this kind of burden of owing him still a good sum which won't go away today or tomorrow. I don't expect him to wipe my debt by any means but counting the pennies to ensure they tally when I'm down to the wire each month makes me wonder what it will be like long term...

For undisclosed reasons we live near his family which I really enjoy and they are kind and welcoming. He is sweet and loving overall and we get on very well and love each other's company. He has told me in no uncertain terms that he wants to be together for ever.

I suppose what really upsets me is that for one reason and another (weddings in different countries and obligations to attend, my family commitments, his work and a boys hiking trip we havent properly seen each other or spent quality time together in over a month.

He got back at the weekend from a trip abroad (and I saw him for a few fleeting hours and he was complaining of a sporting injury so not in good form). I walked into his families home tonight to see two very nice gifts that he'd bought his mum. I was really happy for her, she truly deserves them. Very spontaneous and thoughtful of him. Anyway he calls me from his work trip this evening and I tell him how nice the gifts were and how thrilled his mum is.He tells me to go and check my pillow and I go in to find a spice that i like on the pillow nothing too exotic. I don't know why but I just felt really insignificant at that point. I don't receive nor expect gifts bar Christmas and at birthdays (I once got perfume, another time a jacket that wouldn't fit and the third was a piece of excercise equipment). The fact his mum said she hope'd he'd spoiled me too made me get thinking. Anyway I cracked and told him how inconsiderate it was. When I had seen him last he'd been grumpy and disshevelled and was ringing me full of glee to announce he'd left. I would have loved a note or something a little chocolate or a card. I won't see him for 7 days and am alone bar his family nearby.
Is this a really selfish reaction? He's made me feel like im out of line and acting like a princess when I'm lonely and here by myself with too much time to think.

Any thoughts welcomed, be honest!

strobe

So basically you rang him while he was away and told him how inconsiderate it was that the small surprise present he left you on your pillow wasn't of the quality of gift you expect?

Yeah, sounds really 'princessy', tbh. Jesus. Ring and apologize.

maria34

Eem what happens when u have kids and dont earn money?

strandroad

You kind of are overreacting, in that I would never pull anyone up on the standard of gifts they gave me. They are gifts, not IOUs.

This being said, I would find it really strange if, when getting gifts for everyone due to some random occasion my OH got me a tiny keepsake while a family member would get multiple major gifts. Are you sure it was not his mother's birthday or something?

You don't seem to have your finances discussed much at all. You should definitely have the talk before you get engaged or you may both be in for a nasty surprise. How do you plan to fund the family if you want one?

LegacyUser

maria34 wrote: »

Eem what happens when u have kids and dont earn money?

Kids are both their equal obligation and one would hope they have a good chat about it before the kid(s) arrive as to how they are going to handle the cost and responsibility. If your adult enough to have kids, your adult enough to have a proper conversation about your finances.

OP says they are living with the BF for a year and this loan was at that start of that but they don't say how long they were together before moving in so there is a huge difference between loaning a partner money at the start of a relationship compared to managing finances when to stage of having children. The fact that he was happy to loan you the money must mean he felt strongly enough about the relationship that it would last. Burrowing money from partners or family can lead to stress, your choices are OP are to talk to him about making smaller repayments if your finding it such a struggle or to take out a loan from the credit union to pay him back and deal with making payments to the credit union (with the added interest) if you find the repayment of the loan to him continues to annoy you. Just because he has plenty of savings and a good salary in your eyes doesn't mean he should just let it slide that you burrowed the money if the argument was that you would pay it back.

As for the gift situation yeah sounds like a total over reaction. He got you a small gift and left it on your pillow to find when he was gone, sounds really sweet to me but because he got his mum more expensive gifts you moaned at him? You can't make comments about not expecting gifts and then moan when you get an unsolicited gift.

LegacyUser

mhge wrote: »

You kind of are overreacting, in that I would never pull anyone up on the standard of gifts they gave me. They are gifts, not IOUs.

This being said, I would find it really strange if, when getting gifts for everyone due to some random occasion my OH got me a tiny keepsake while a family member would get multiple major gifts. Are you sure it was not his mother's birthday or something?

You don't seem to have your finances discussed much at all. You should definitely have the talk before you get engaged or you may both be in for a nasty surprise. How do you plan to fund the family if you want one?

OP here again.
I know I think I did overreact about that bit! It was just the family commenting on whether or not he'd 'spoilt' me as he had his mum today. Her birthday was 6 months ago. I seriously wouldn't have expected a present but when I saw two really nice eye catching gifts for his family member and then a cheap herb on my pillow when he could barely muster a goodbye kiss this morning, I felt really inadequate. I mean I would have loved a simple romantic thought a note, a tiny token. I really don't expect anything much. It was the combination of factors. I've tried messaging him to apologise but I'm in floods of tears so I wouldn't be good on the phone. I don't even know if I sincerely mean my apology. Between everything I feel terrible.

I am a good deal younger than him, he knows my situation and has lots of 'big plans' for the future. I do worry that he is not prepared for the idea and financial implications of parenthood. In my job most mums only return part time to work for the first number of years. It's almost impossible in our country to sustain full-time with a young family. I think we need to talk. It has been something that has been on my mind.

Buona Fortuna

I'm a bit surprised about loaning you money and then being strict on repayments.

Tell me then:

- who pays the rent/mortage? Half each, what?
- who does the shopping and pays for it?
- what about other bills like electricity, mobiles, internet?
- was the money loaned to you so that you could pay your half of these or something else?