I just want to be 'normal' again....

Tunage

I suppose that I'm on here to vent but to also get some suppport from people who may have gone through the same stuff as what I'm going through at the minute.

About 2 years ago, I was diagnosed with depression... well sort of. Towards the end of 2012 I became a demon. Gradually, week by week, day by day, hour by hour I evolved into demon of hellish proportions that was no long able to leave the house... for anything. I didn't sleep all day, but I stayed at home, lay on the sofa and watched tv. Made up as many excuses as possible to avoid any contact with the public, friends & family. My OH took the brunt of the abuse and unbelievably is still by my side.

I took myself to my doctor and having previously seen a doc in the same practice who said 'oh you're just a bit down in the dumps' I was ****ting myself thinking how am I going to convince this doctor that there IS something wrong with me?! I was so afraid that she wouldn't believe me but I didn't even have to open my mouth for her to understand that there was something wrong. I bawled, for about 5 minutes without saying a word and she knew exactly what was wrong.

So that's when the meds started. Lovely ****ing meds... that worked brilliantly for the first year untill about the end of last year when I decided that my OH was doing **** all to support me, no one needed me, no one was listening to me cry out for help so I took a few too many pills one night and ended up in hospital for the night. I didn't take enough to do any damage at all, I didn't want to. My plan was to scare them into listening to me... them being my OH, family, friends, the HSE and my doctors.

After a few months withdrawing I went back to my doc because the demon was coming out again. New meds this time. Woopee doo! They were ok, saw a psych doc and everytime I did gave me a new prescription.

My current situation is that I'm on MORE new meds and am nearly worse than the original demon that appeared 2 years ago. My OH has lost fight for me and we have very very very very nearly called it quits twice in as many weeks.
I can't do this anymore. I told the psych doc last week that I'm ****ed off with meds being shoved down my neck, there's a 7/8mth waiting list to see the HSE counsellor and I don't have anywhere near the capibility to pay to see a private counsellor.

My head is fried but one thing I am damn sure of is that I DO NOT WANT TO DIE. I want to get better so I can have a lovely life, have kids, get married, have a nice house, go on nice holidays and do all the wonderful things that I see my friends doing (that adds to my depression by me thinking I'll never have all that). If you have never encountered depression, suffered from it or known anyone suffering then there's your first lesson. We want to live, but seeing things that we don't have makes us think what is the point. It's confusing even for us.

I feel like there's no options for me. I'm not going to have the nice life, nice family, nice house etc.. so yes, I'm contradicting myself but if you are reading this and you know nothing about depression then there's your first lesson. WE go from wanting to not giving the slightest **** if a bus hit us now.

Apologies for the rant but I can't keep it in my head anymore

Merkin

How long ago did you start the new meds? If they are not agreeing with you then you need to go back to your GP and have them review your medication.

Penny Tration

It can take 6-8 weeks for new meds to kick in. If you've been on them less than that, give it some more time. If you've been on them longer, go back to your doctor because it can be tricky to find the right meds to suit you.

Look up free or low cost counselling. When I could no longer afford private therapy, I went to Target, who just take a small donation and saw me frequently until I was well again.

It's so hard to do it when you have depression, but you have to fight for treatment until you find one that works

Penny Tration

It can take 6-8 weeks for new meds to kick in. If you've been on them less than that, give it some more time. If you've been on them longer, go back to your doctor because it can be tricky to find the right meds to suit you.

Look up free or low cost counselling. When I could no longer afford private therapy, I went to Target, who just take a small donation and saw me frequently until I was well again.

It's so hard to do it when you have depression, but you have to fight for treatment until you find one that works

Rubberchikken

Dont wait that long for counselling. There's low cost counselling available and your gp shoułd definitely be able to recommend someone.

Good luck

tenifan

Get the notion that your OH isn't supporting you. A lot of the strain on the relationship is probably caused by yourself, so try to think of the positive things your OH does, including standing by you despite your depression.

Also, get it out of your head that you're not normal, and things will be better in the future. You can make the decision to be happy now and then take the small steps to being a bit happier every day. For depression there's meds but that's only one part of your treatment. There's also counselling and (hard to bring yourself to do it when you're depressed but I'm a big advocate) healthy living. That includes things like getting a good night's sleep, meditating, eating well and exercising. I find it's useful to read books on positive thinking when you need an adjustment in your mindset.

As for all the nice things your friends have.. you know you probably have a lot of it already, and you'd have even more if you had a more positive disposition. Also, you're not seeing the bad things in your friends' lives like family falling outs, illnesses, debt, worries, etc. Apart from the depression, they're probably not that different to you.

Split

Sorry to hear that you are unwell . First things first - you do not need to wait months for treatment and support .

Have you contacted a charitable organisation that offer support - aware as a first step ? . Perhaps they are not in your area but maybe able to offer some suggestions as to organisations within your area .

Both you and your husband are understandably having an incredibly difficult time and of course their will be huge strain on the relationship . Your husband will also need a support network around him and indeed a deeper understanding of depression and related symptoms could be a first step . Many of the organisations also offer a family support network that can work with any concerned parties .

Medication work for some , talk therapy works for some , a combination of the two work for some - remember that we are all very different and that it is by trial and error that medication is used . Where you gradually weaned off the other medication ? Was the dose ever looked at to see could it be upped ?

You have stated that you want to live - well done on recognising this want to live as it will be a driving force for you .

If you want to give a rough location I can let you know what charities are working within your area .

YOU ARE IMPORTANT ! Don't forget that many of the behaviours are of the illness and not the true you .

Taltos

Post deleted - Can I remind posters to read our charter before posting. Offers of PM'ing or similar breaches can and will result in forum bans. This is a strictly moderated forum and the requirement not to get or offer Private Consul is one of our foundation charter rules due not only to the damage amateur psychology can play in the mind of the OP but also to the very real risk you as posters unwittingly place yourselves in by getting into such communication.

Idol

Wow, as I was reading your post it was almost like reading my mind. Thats exactly how I feel, been suffering with depression on and off for years, been on meds, off them and back on them again. Have been to see a counsellor on and off too and it does help, but only for a short time.
Its like as you said, I just want to be normal and live a normal life like my friends and family but I can never see that in my future, which depresses me even further

Tunage

I'd been on the same dose of meds for a while and gradually noticed that I was getting irritable so I went to see my doc who happened to be on holiday but the one I saw was really nice and phoned the psych people and then the nurse guy phoned me. He gave me two options, up my meds or stay on the dose I was on until my next appointment (which was in about 3weeks). So I told him that either way they were goin to be upped so I went with that. That didn't agree with me at all. Night sweats, dizziness... All the bad side effects. I saw my psych doc last week and explained everything to him. He changed my meds and I'm seeing him again tomorrow.
I have found a place for councilling that's donation based but as I'm working this month I can't go. The hours don't suit and they don't open on Satutdays but I figured is use boards to vent until I can go. Thanks for all your feedback. X

tenifan

Tunage wrote: »

I have found a place for councilling that's donation based but as I'm working this month I can't go.

No sick leave at work? Good time to take it. If not, how about a half days annual leave, or take a few hours early off work and make up the hours some other time

Tunage

tenifan wrote: »

No sick leave at work? Good time to take it. If not, how about a half days annual leave, or take a few hours early off work and make up the hours some other time

I'm unemployed most of the year this is just a months work I get so no time off but it might be good for me to have busy days

tenifan

Tunage wrote: »

I'm unemployed most of the year this is just a months work I get so no time off but it might be good for me to have busy days

Still, your manager is not going to look down on you if you have an appointment and leave at say 3pm. It's great you're getting stuck in to work, but at the same time you need to have time to gather your thoughts so the counselling might help.

Split

Have you considered looking at Turn2me - https://www.turn2me.org/ . Their forums and groups can be a great support for many .

Further they have thought catchers which can graph your thoughts on a day to day basis .Their engage programme is free of charge and may be of benefit in the short term while you cannot make the counselling sessions .

In relation to work - employers have become more and more aware of the need to have healthy and well staff in order to have a productive workforce. Would you consider trying to take an hour or two hours once a week in order to start your recovery journey .

I wish you the very best of luck .

Tunage

tenifan wrote: »

Still, your manager is not going to look down on you if you have an appointment and leave at say 3pm. It's great you're getting stuck in to work, but at the same time you need to have time to gather your thoughts so the counselling might help.

Thankfully the woman I work for is really understanding and I needed a breather she'd fill in for me. I started a fitness class last night and it lifted me. It was like some drug so I'm going to keep it up and try to go even if I'm having a bad day

tenifan

Tunage wrote: »

Thankfully the woman I work for is really understanding and I needed a breather she'd fill in for me. I started a fitness class last night and it lifted me. It was like some drug so I'm going to keep it up and try to go even if I'm having a bad day

Great to hear! Exercise is a great way to de-stress.

Tunage

Just wanted to update.

The new meds are working brilliantly. I had a trip away at the weekend and forgot them so by Sunday I could feel the antichrist coming out again but once I got home, I took meds.

Being busy is great, I thought I'd be way more stressed out but I'm not AND my sleep has improved which is such a huge game changer (for me anyway!)

Thanks to everyone who read and responded, it does help knowing that there are sympathetic ears out there.

Rubberchikken

Hi Tunage
that's great news. keep up the good work:)

clandestine72

Hi Tunage.

Following this thread it's great to see you getting brighter. The most positive thing to see is that as well as using the meds, you have taken some control over your health with the excercise. Am in a similar situation to you so am heartened to see that getting out there and being active can make a difference. All the best to you x