Can't cope anymore.

owenc

Hi... I am really embaressed posting this. I was diagnosed with aspergers and I have just finished secondary school with good A levels. I don't have a single friend, I used to have friends in nursery and in primary school but since then none.

I tried to make friends in secondary school but just couldn't do it. I've always been like this as long as I can remember. I am glad to be finished secondary school as it was awful being rejected and treated with such distain. I took a gap year this year and I regret this as I will have time to think about this and might not even get a job.. Obviously my confidence is quite low.

During school I kind of forgot about it all but now I am finished I constantly think about this and have developed a break out as a result. There is one girl who knows about my condition and will text me but I don't see her, anyone who I used to text from school stopped texting me come July and they now all ignore my messages , they have also deleted Twitter and Facebook so I can't even keep in contact there. I obviously had a few aquantinces but deep down I knew they were fake friends as I wasn't given presents, wasn't invited to their parties and they only bothered if I bothered. My classmates really did not bother. I used to walk to the shop at lunch time on my own and went on the phone to my mum for comfort, one boy said "no one likes you, you walk down the street and pretend to be on the phone". (Lower sixth). I always thought i'd get over this. I wish I had've told these people were to go at the time but was desperate. I live in a very clanny area and the people are very bigoted, anyone not from my town is bitched about.. My school was a grammar school and did not care about people who weren't getting A*s. My mum sent me to a Non denominational school because of how bad a time she had in Derry but these schools are not good - they have an odd ethical stand point and don't handle bullying well, teachers are terrible (young with no experience).

My confidence is low and I don't have any hope in making friends. It has made me feel like there is something wrong with me... I live a normal northern irish life and look pretty good, I am not a weirdo/nerd person so I don't see the problem.

I want to solve this issue in university but i'm really not sure how as I am quiet and am really anxious when approaching teenagers due to my experiences. Being bullied and harassed has made me terrified from teenagers. I am so fed up of living in Northern Ireland, I can't wait to get out from this crap dump of a country!

I want to live in America the people are so fresh and caring! I am thinking on going to a summer camp this summer for a couple of months but not sure if this is a good idea with asbergers.

J_E

University is probably the best place to be in terms of finding your place. Many, many people who struggle through secondary school immediately relate to other groups and make friends for life. What I would say though is to try to not let certain things get to you - if some friends don't give you a present for your birthday it may not always necessarily mean they don't like you - people have many levels of friendship and they all have their own ways of expressing it. If you have been diagnosed with Aspergers, I can't really comment on your situation given how diverse the spectrum is, but sometimes you might miss out on subtle social cues like the above, so try not to take it to heart and remember that friendship is a two-way connection, if you value someone as a friend you can't wait for them to make the first move every time!

Secondary school is over - sorry to hear it wasn't the best experience, but put it behind you and try to find something new. Maybe there is a social group locally you could get involved in revolving around an interest. Do keep an eye out for work/work experience but don't be disheartened if it doesn't happen - this is also a year of opportunity to brush up on some new skills or explore passions. You have an internet connection which is a great start!

whirlpool

I just wanted to make a quick post to say that all the misery you endured during your time in school... I guarantee that, because of it, you will grow into a highly compassionate, empathetic adult as a result. You will be sensitive to other people's problems and you will be a great person to be around, people will be drawn to you. I guarantee it. Even though right now it feels like sh1t. There are personal qualities that you can possess that make secondary school a difficult experience but those same qualities, when you come into adulthood, are exactly what people will like most about you.

I would also bet that the people who were mean to you in school will end up looking back on it and cringing at how cruel they were to other people. I guarantee you that it wasn't just you they were cruel to, and I guarantee that it will come back to haunt them over the coming years.

Anyway, all I know of you is this post and from this alone I think you're awesome!

Taltos

Deleted post - can I remind posters to read our charter before posting, telling the OP to PM you is clearly spelt out as not being permitted here. It is as much to protect you the poster as it is the OP.

Thanks
Taltos

owenc

My family's intolerance to my condition also annoys me.They can't seem to get it into their head that I have this condition and constantly criticise me/ get at me for how I act. For example, if I goto a wedding I will be quite anxious and they will ignore me or they will ask me a tonne of questions and then of course get at me because I respond with short answers. I don't enjoy being surrounded by large groups or even team work so that doesn't go down well. I am commonly called a 'rare boy'. I have a wedding in Aberdeen next month and I am not looking forward to this wedding as they will all be there and I am sure the same old nonsense will occur. I feel like I am not going to bother with my family anymore as I can't be bothered with this pathetic nonsense, I refuse to conform. One of my aunts treats me as if I am some sort of pre teen child and constantly talks in a childish tone, I am beginning to lose my patience with this behaviour also - I understand she is not trying to do harm but as an 18 year old adult I find this insulting and condescending.

My parents have no confidence in my ability to go out in the world. I have mentioned multiple times that I am looking into heading to the USA to a summer camp and each time that this has been mentioned my father will antagonise me about this, saying that I cannot do this and expect to cope well, forgetting that I will be 19 years of age and that most of my peers have already headed across to England - considering quite a few of these classmates cannot cook or do the washing I would rate my ability of doing this considerably higher. The general consensus is that they know little about this condition.

My patience is running thin.

J_E

If you have the means to do it, go right ahead. Don't be too angry with your family for not understanding - be sympathetic towards their perspective that they do not fully know about what Aspergers encompasses. It doesn't stop you from living life to the full.

miss no stars

OP, there are some summer camps in the USA that specialize in campers with ASDs. Sometimes they'll take on a person who has an ASD (like Aspergers or NLD) as staff. Depending on how good your social skills and your ability to adapt quickly to change are, one of those camps may be a great fit for you and as well as having the time of your life, you'll grow and mature in ways you wouldn't have imagined.

Having worked in one, I will caution you about them. They are very, very hard work and can be extremely stressful. You'll have a lot of responsibility and, for that reason, they'll usually only hire someone who's had a year's experience of university, and they'll usually also want someone who can teach a skill (e.g. art, equestrian, swimming, tennis, boating). ACA (The American Camp Association) have message boards for camp counselors, you'll find a lot of information on there if you want to pursue the idea. I don't want to rain on your parade, but from what you've said I'm not sure if you'll be a good fit for one. The kids are very full on, there will be times where you'll be standing in the cabin with 6 kids all arguing/shouting at you all at the same time and they simply will not give you any personal space. If you reckon you could keep a cool head and diffuse the situation, then you may be able to cope as a camp counselor. Aside from the kids, the people working at them tend to be extremely gregarious and extroverted people. The energy level doesn't go down at all really, and you'll be actively discouraged from spending your day off on your own around the camp (in fact, it's usually camp policy).

If you think that all sounds good, then by all means go for it after a year in university. It's an incredible experience and for all the trials and tribulations, I went back twice. But if you don't think you'll fit with that - don't pin your hopes on it, seriously. All camps will have a director interview every potential staff member and they've decades of experience in hiring camp staff - they know what they want and if they don't think you're it they simply won't hire you. They sometimes take a chance on someone locally, but I've seen a fair few of them fired before the kids even get there. Those who didn't fit and did stay were either miserable for 3 months or made life difficult for their coworkers for 3 months. Basically what I@m saying is have other goals as well, find another way of working in the USA

ivytwine

I don't know if the North has such a thing, but if you come to uni in the Republic you could get a J1 summer visa for the States?

I would also like to say that while a change of scenery would be beneficial of course, don't pin too much on university or America to change your life. Real change comes from within, not from moving away.

owenc

Cydoniac wrote: »

If you have the means to do it, go right ahead. Don't be too angry with your family for not understanding - be sympathetic towards their perspective that they do not fully know about what Aspergers encompasses. It doesn't stop you from living life to the full.

THANK YOU. I think my family thinks that I am thick and can't do things for myself.

owenc

miss no stars wrote: »

OP, there are some summer camps in the USA that specialize in campers with ASDs. Sometimes they'll take on a person who has an ASD (like Aspergers or NLD) as staff. Depending on how good your social skills and your ability to adapt quickly to change are, one of those camps may be a great fit for you and as well as having the time of your life, you'll grow and mature in ways you wouldn't have imagined.

Having worked in one, I will caution you about them. They are very, very hard work and can be extremely stressful. You'll have a lot of responsibility and, for that reason, they'll usually only hire someone who's had a year's experience of university, and they'll usually also want someone who can teach a skill (e.g. art, equestrian, swimming, tennis, boating). ACA (The American Camp Association) have message boards for camp counselors, you'll find a lot of information on there if you want to pursue the idea. I don't want to rain on your parade, but from what you've said I'm not sure if you'll be a good fit for one. The kids are very full on, there will be times where you'll be standing in the cabin with 6 kids all arguing/shouting at you all at the same time and they simply will not give you any personal space. If you reckon you could keep a cool head and diffuse the situation, then you may be able to cope as a camp counselor. Aside from the kids, the people working at them tend to be extremely gregarious and extroverted people. The energy level doesn't go down at all really, and you'll be actively discouraged from spending your day off on your own around the camp (in fact, it's usually camp policy).

If you think that all sounds good, then by all means go for it after a year in university. It's an incredible experience and for all the trials and tribulations, I went back twice. But if you don't think you'll fit with that - don't pin your hopes on it, seriously. All camps will have a director interview every potential staff member and they've decades of experience in hiring camp staff - they know what they want and if they don't think you're it they simply won't hire you. They sometimes take a chance on someone locally, but I've seen a fair few of them fired before the kids even get there. Those who didn't fit and did stay were either miserable for 3 months or made life difficult for their coworkers for 3 months. Basically what I@m saying is have other goals as well, find another way of working in the USA

I know i'm worried about it. I don't want to be a camp counsellor but a camp worker who does the kitchen work etc.

I wanted to visit America though and tried looking into doing that stupid J1 thing to get a job but as per usual with America you need to be a University student. :roll eyes: I don't get the difference, there are plenty of responsible well able adults who have NOT went to University. I wanted to go as I have enjoyed it the last few times i've went but my parents refuse to go again as we are only just back so I said I would go myself. But um idk i'm not sure.. I don't want to spend another summer here bored stiff. I would really really need to look into the camp thing because I don't want to put myself in a horrible position were I am anxious and stuck for 3 months in the worst possible position - I have never been good with team work or chatting in groups.

I am fed up living here in rural NI with NOTHING to do - I don't want to keep myself occupied for the purpose of trying to make time go by. I'm not going to sugar coat it this area is a boring dump - already I am bored STIFF, this is the stupidest decision I have made ever. (despite what my country bumpkin father says) My father has bought a plane and after a 5 week holiday he says we aren't going anywhere this summer (I cannot cope with no holiday I am sorry) so I need to get somewhere this summer but i'm not sure where and I don't like the idea of going myself. No one except my mum ever wants to go on a holiday so I always have to nag nag nag and tbh i'm getting fed up doing that.

owenc

ivytwine wrote: »

I don't know if the North has such a thing, but if you come to uni in the Republic you could get a J1 summer visa for the States?

I would also like to say that while a change of scenery would be beneficial of course, don't pin too much on university or America to change your life. Real change comes from within, not from moving away.

Hi, i've already looked into that and I don't think I can do it. I'm not a uni student and am only completing a part time course this year so I don't think they would take me on.
I'd love to work on a golf resort.

I want to go there but if its too much hassle its not going to happen. I wish they wouldn't make it such a hassle for tourists visiting their country, for god sake.

Rubberchikken

Dont be too hard on your family. They may not fully understand your condition and ignorance can make people fearful.

Young people too can be insensitive and lack understanding of a fellow classmate.
I know from experience with my nephew who has aspergers that a person's behaviour can seem 'odd' and some peole can't see past that.

I'm sorry you had to experience bullying and exclusion. It must have hurt a lot.

If you have a dream in mind, then do what you can to realise it.

Good luck

LegacyUser

owenc wrote: »

My family's intolerance to my condition also annoys me.They can't seem to get it into their head that I have this condition and constantly criticise me/ get at me for how I act. For example, if I goto a wedding I will be quite anxious and they will ignore me or they will ask me a tonne of questions and then of course get at me because I respond with short answers. I don't enjoy being surrounded by large groups or even team work so that doesn't go down well. I am commonly called a 'rare boy'. I have a wedding in Aberdeen next month and I am not looking forward to this wedding as they will all be there and I am sure the same old nonsense will occur. I feel like I am not going to bother with my family anymore as I can't be bothered with this pathetic nonsense, I refuse to conform. One of my aunts treats me as if I am some sort of pre teen child and constantly talks in a childish tone, I am beginning to lose my patience with this behaviour also - I understand she is not trying to do harm but as an 18 year old adult I find this insulting and condescending.

My parents have no confidence in my ability to go out in the world. I have mentioned multiple times that I am looking into heading to the USA to a summer camp and each time that this has been mentioned my father will antagonise me about this, saying that I cannot do this and expect to cope well, forgetting that I will be 19 years of age and that most of my peers have already headed across to England - considering quite a few of these classmates cannot cook or do the washing I would rate my ability of doing this considerably higher. The general consensus is that they know little about this condition.

My patience is running thin.

OP, take it from a fellow "Aspie" (although I am now considering getting a second opinion/have it removed completely from medical records due to too much ignorance) that it does not matter how much you try to prove yourself to the family to succeed in whatever you want in life, or to try and fit in with the family and be normal for them, it will never work and the only way you can cope living is to move away from those who drag you down, including family.

Are you in college now? If so, you should try and live in student accomendation...in actual fact any accomedation that requires you to be more independent. That's what I plan on doing.
You should also join social groups, and take up volunteering. Get out there and meet new people

It will be so hard to grow as a person when you are still stuck in the same place, doing the same thing, seeing family members you obviously don't feel comfortable around because they are ignorant towards you about your condition.
You are 18, so you are entitled to do what you want, parents really have no say in what you want to do, unless they are still supporting you in terms of money if u don't have a job. But I just think it's about taking baby steps to build yourself up as an adult.

owenc

Thanks lol I was kind of hoping that they would have more confidence in me as I get older!

Its only one person who talks to me like a child thankfully. I don't think she means to be rude as she helps me with forms etc. I am going to England next year and will be staying in student accomodation... I thought i'd go somewhere over there so I can try and be more independent.

My mum wanted me to tell my classmates about my condition but didn't bother as I knew they'd be rude.

I have a weak form of the condition as people have said to me I seem quite normal. I just wish my family would forget about the condition and treat me normally. my younger sister always mentions the condition and keeps calling me weird which is quite hurtful. I think the only way for me to do well is to force myself and to stop mentioning the condition as I notice an immediate change in how i'm treated.