Threats of being outed as gay

scotty14

Hi guys,

To cut a long story short I meet a guy on grindr (a gay app) 6 months ago and we had a sexual experience. It was my first. He lives on the other side of the country and we kept in touch after and chatted loads and said we would meet again. Time passed and we didn't but since then has been non stop txting calling etc. I tried to say look I'm sorry were to far away but he got angry and threaten to blackmail me and out me to my family and friends.

One day I had 120 missed calls from him alone. He's a nice guy but it's all to much for me. I'm so so worried he's gona continue it and eventually start acting on his threats. I don't know what to do nor have anyone I could tell as I'm not out.
Thanks in advance.

buzzb123

That is a really difficult situation to be in. Is there anyone at all you can speak to about this in confidence, I know you stated you have not come out but I think you need advice and guidance on this. Are you in college or school? Would there be a tutor or teacher you could confide in?

I would find it worrying someone would think it is ok to call you 120 times.

retro:electro

120 calls is harassment. Report him to the guards and change your number.

Snake

Not to add insult to injury mate.. But this is something you really need to be careful of meeting people online... Like you said he seemed like a decent chap but it turns out he's tapped in the head. You need to tell someone about this even if you tell your family, so if he does tell them you're gay it won't come as such a shock than some stranger telling them!

Gatling

Op how old are you

clappyhappy

If I were you id change the no. How can he out you to your family. Are ye FB friends, does he know any member of your family? How can he out you?

J_E

Drop all contact and take it immediately to the guards, and do not feel embarrassed, ask if they have an LGBT liason officer who can help you and make it clear to them this is a matter of discretion. 120 missed calls is NOT okay under any circumstance.

You made a mistake through no fault of your own - you have just happened across an emotionally abusive character. How does he know where you live, did you meet at yours? Sometimes this is a case of bullying and bluffing but that is no reason to take it any less seriously. I've had similar threats in the past that although mounted to nothing, were not nice at all to receive, and I took them very seriously.

If you do happen to change your number - make sure to block him on Grindr as well, or change identity. Grindr can be a source of great experiences but it must also be used cautiously. As time goes on you will get a better instinct as to who to avoid.

scotty14

Cheers for the advice guys. This will sound silly but I'm 26. I'm a confident person but this has just brought me down in confidence a lot. The online dating thing I don't do and haven't really done it since. And recently have decided against it for ever!

Were not friends on fb but he sent me screen shots of my page. Safe to say it's completely restricted now. So easy nowadays to find stuff online about people.

I'm just praying it will fizzle out and he will just get bored with me. But changing the number will prob be the best answer. I'm afraid it will make him flip out though.

whirlpool

I agree that you should go to the Gardai with this. It might seem daunting but people go to the Gardai all the time in situations like this. And don't let the fact that it's a "gay" situation put you off going to the Guards - just take a look at this! http://www.irishtimes.com/news/social-affairs/garda-station-to-fly-flag-in-support-of-gay-parade-1.1908921

Change your number too, for ultimate peace of mind, and if you signed up to Grindr with an email address, if you plan on using it again re-sign up with a brand new email address. (and proceed with caution.)

J_E

http://www.lgbt.ie/attachments/233_Current_List_of_ELO__LGBT_Liaison_Officers_-_Oct_2011.pdf

You can find the nearest Liaison Officer here.

If you have a picture up on Grindr I would highly recommend taking it down and being selective with who you share it with.

Snake

whirlpool wrote: »

I agree that you should go to the Gardai with this. It might seem daunting but people go to the Gardai all the time in situations like this. And don't let the fact that it's a "gay" situation put you off going to the Guards - just take a look at this! http://www.irishtimes.com/news/social-affairs/garda-station-to-fly-flag-in-support-of-gay-parade-1.1908921

Change your number too, for ultimate peace of mind, and if you signed up to Grindr with an email address, if you plan on using it again re-sign up with a brand new email address. (and proceed with caution.)

+1

OP word of advice: if you meet someone on the Internet and they want to have sex when they meet you for the first time, it's someone you don't want to be with. And if it was 6 months ago you must not have known him a very long time when you did meet... Don't remove yourself from online dating, it's how I met my wife to be! It's great when you find someone you really like and who isn't bat **** crazy. Just be careful next time. And definitely go to the Gardai. If nothing else ask them to phone him and tell him to back off.

J_E

Snake wrote: »

+1

OP word of advice: if you meet someone on the Internet and they want to have sex when they meet you for the first time, it's someone you don't want to be with.

Actually, Grindr is a hookup app, so it's a little different in those circumstances. I just wouldn't want to give OP the wrong idea here.

OP - I wouldn't want this incident to scare you away from online dating forever - but as a rule of thumb, don't give any personally identifiable information beyond a name and pic until after you've met up, and only a name and pic on mutual exchange/trust.

scotty14

Cydoniac wrote: »

Drop all contact and take it immediately to the guards, and do not feel embarrassed, ask if they have an LGBT liason officer who can help you and make it clear to them this is a matter of discretion. 120 missed calls is NOT okay under any circumstance.

You made a mistake through no fault of your own - you have just happened across an emotionally abusive character. How does he know where you live, did you meet at yours? Sometimes this is a case of bullying and bluffing but that is no reason to take it any less seriously. I've had similar threats in the past that although mounted to nothing, were not nice at all to receive, and I took them very seriously.

If you do happen to change your number - make sure to block him on Grindr as well, or change identity. Grindr can be a source of great experiences but it must also be used cautiously. As time goes on you will get a better instinct as to who to avoid.

Thanks for that. No we didn't meet anywhere near mine I was there visiting a friend for few days. It's like a 4 hr drive away. Not on the app anymore and I didn't have a pic up on it but it's been going on for to long and I can't move on with things.

Snake

Cydoniac wrote: »

Actually, Grindr is a hookup app, so it's a little different in those circumstances. I just wouldn't want to give OP the wrong idea here.

Well then he should probably take this as a lesson to not use hookup sites

J_E

scotty14 wrote: »

Thanks for that. No we didn't meet anywhere near mine I was there visiting a friend for few days. It's like a 4 hr drive away. Not on the app anymore and I didn't have a pic up on it but it's been going on for to long and I can't move on with things.

I would call it a bluff on his part. Seriously though make sure Gardai know someone is doing this to you. Chances are when he realises that it's been formally noted it will scare the life out of him and he won't dare bother you again.

Snake wrote: »

Well then he should probably take this as a lesson to not use hookup sites

That's not really the right discussion for this forum...! Grindr is a very popular app and in most cases can be used safely and with peace of mind. You have to understand for gay men there are different circumstances when it comes to dating and sexual encounters. It isn't as easy for all to be out in public.

Snake

Cydoniac wrote: »

I would call it a bluff on his part. Seriously though make sure Gardai know someone is doing this to you. Chances are when he realises that it's been formally noted it will scare the life out of him and he won't dare bother you again.

Most of these lads think they're great until the Gardai get involved. The constant calls and threats is harrasment and they'll take it very seriously.

_Redzer_

Anybody fúcked up enough as this to leave 120 missed calls and threaten to out you is someone who is gonna shít themselves at the slightest suggestion of Garda intervention.

Rest easy, OP. Fúck ups like this are mentally disturbed, easily dealt with, and are not representative of the majority of men on that site.

I still suggest learning to spot such headcases so you can avoid them in future. I can spot the psychos a mile away at this stage.

whirlpool

I really don't think this guy would do anything bad to you. It sounds like he's just a bit of an idiot.

Definitely tell him you've informed the guards, like Cydoniac said.

And as others have also said, don't let this put you off online dating. It's not the "online" part of this that's caused the problem. What's caused the problem is you giving a complete stranger your personal contact details, and that stranger turned out to be crazy. People you meet in person can just as easily turn out to be crazies. Just, from now on, be as cautious online as you would be in person. It can be harder to spot it when you've met them online. I think that's where most people fall into the trap that you've fallen into. But, just like weeding out the crazies in person, you eventually also learn to weed out the crazies online. It's a learning curve, that's all.

Snake

Whirlpool has it, seriously don't just hand your number out to every Tom Tom and other Tom. If you're chatting to someone and they want you're number just tell them you don't Want to give it out until you know them better

catonthewire

Hi OP,


Contact outhouse ,http://outhouse.ie/. This group will.support and advise you on how to deal with this awful situation...
No-one has the right to violate your privacy!!!