I feel so lonely...

LegacyUser

(Before you start, I apologise for the length of this post )

This is strange for me to be writing this, but I've been feeling a bit down, sorry for myself if I'm honest... I am aware people have much bigger problems, and I'm a lucky individual in that respect, but I just want to get this off my chest and take any insight on the matter.

I think its silly because I have family who I am very close with, and friends who would always be there for me, but I plain and simple I just feel lonely in this world right now...

Since coming out of a long term relationship over 6 years ago, I haven't been intimate or close with anyone since.

That is fine, it took me that long to deal with it and get over it. In that time I've finished college, started a new job, made loads of new friends, and been on a few (you could count on one hand) dates and that, but I still have that feeling of loneliness. I have no one in particular that I would be intimate with, or just even be close too.

I've close friends but its just not the same.

I wouldn't exactly call myself a ladies man, I would be shy tbh. But if I get talking to a girl I can hold a conversation and that, I would particularly go approaching women though. I don't sleep around a lot, for example I have slept with 2 people in the last 6 years, I suppose what I'm trying to say is I'm not a 'player'.

I am a nice guy, which I would be complimented on regularly, but I think I'm nearly too nice when I like a girl. I wouldn't exactly be classed as a charmer I would imagine?? Thats just me saying that tho, I don't know. Like having been on dates I've been told after, I'm 'cute' or 'lovely' or whatever because of what I planned or organised to do on the date, or for just doing something nice for that person....

Also, I wouldn't even go on a date if I genuinely don't think I am interested in that person.

Some examples:

I met a girl recently (within the last 3 months) for example, we got on really well although we live quite far apart. Went on a few dates, and we were clearly both into each other. But all of a sudden she stopped being so keen and said she was afraid to get too close and fall for me because we live so far away... I said lets not worry about that now, and just see what happens because I didn't want to be pushy and we were still early days, but she just cut contact then. This kinda shook my confidence, because I liked this girl too, the first time I've felt like that in a long time and she just cut contact out of the blue? Occasionally she texts me and snapchats still, but that is it...

More recently, I ended up hooking up with a girl I'd know reasonably well, a friend of a friend (after all it is either a feast or a famine in these situations, I was having a huge drought up until this point tbh). I have always liked her but nothing ever happened with us before, and I accepted that really. Anyway, met her out one night and we ended up getting together that out of the blue. It was strange, but I wanted it and she said she did. After this, we started talking and because I actually liked her I suggested we maybe go on a date. (On top of actually being interested, I thought that would show that even though we hooked up, I wasn't just interested in one night stands.) She initially seemed keen, but just stopped replying to me before we even went on a date.....

So that is two people that just cut me off out of the blue when we seemed to be going well, I'm and honest and straightforward guy, I can have a bit of fun, but I wasn't playing games or anything like that with these women, right now I just feel like there is something wrong with me....

I get interest occasionally, but like I said if I'm not really into a girl I won't chase it, but it just seems like every time I am into someone, it doesn't happen for me....

I have no reason to be depressed, but if I'm honest this is, an I just feel like I'm missing something, and its getting to me.

Any input or advice is welcome.

And this is probably overly long and unstructured mess to read, but if you have gotten this far thank you.

handbagmad

Hi, I can empathise with you a bit.
Im single 3 years now been on 2 dates with the same guy. Tbh was so f**ked up from previous relationship wasn't ready.

One thing personally I hate is the word 'date' or dating. It makes things so formal I think.

I've also learned not to invest so much too soon into meeting someone. Sometimes it takes meeting up a few times to see if there is something there. But too that people should have the decency to tell the other person rather than just cut contact.

You seem like a nice guy from your post. Try to relax about it all.

MrNoLuck

Hi OP,

You sound just like me, except I've dated a good few more girls and have arranged dates with others only to have them cut contact before the date even happens, seems to be a bit of a trend at the moment.

Anyway I just want to say I understand the whole feeling lonely thing, but like the previous poster said just try and relax, that's what I'm doing and I'm hoping I meet a lovely girl who might actually want me sometime soon..

handbagmad

MrNoLuck wrote: »

Hi OP,

Anyway I just want to say I understand the whole feeling lonely thing, but like the previous poster said just try and relax, that's what I'm doing and I'm hoping I meet a lovely girl who might actually want me sometime soon..

I understand completely the loneliness, when I went searching for a guy/partner it never worked.
I think when least expected it will happen.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses guys, its somewhat comforting to know that I'm not the only one in this boat. I hope that doesn't sound like I'm taking comfort out of other peoples situation, its just helpful to know I'm not the only one even.

I wouldn't say I'm exactly actively looking for someone to spend my life with, I am happy to see where things go and spend time with someone interested in, but being simply blanked by someone you've spent time with is tough.

Dating is definitely very daunting, particularly if your coming from the comfort zone of a long term relationship.

An it does definitely be on my mind that I'm single over 6 years, which makes me think there is something wrong or something I am missing here altogether.

Especially as it would seem there are plenty of guys able to find girls and go from relationship to relationship with ease.

Should I be 'less nice' about the whole thing or something? If a girl calls me cute after a date, I am not actually sure if it a compliment...?

handbagmad

No you shouldn't be less nice IMO if that is your nature then don't change it, it is rare to find these days.

LegacyUser

OP : I know it's hard when you're feeling lonely....but you are single with no ties and you are available to do as you please. There are loads of ways you can meet someone...join a club/gym,do something you enjoy, and through that you can meet a potential partner. I've been single the last five years, only thing is I'm raising three children alone and to be honest, the bins get out more than me. So, in essence, what I'm saying is get out there...go do something you love and it'll happen for you when the time is right. Chin up

OP I read your First post - and then your second post - and it seems you derive your self worth from your relationships with others. You mention how you get on with your family - and other people.

Relationships do not work this way. You need to find yourself not others.

Relationships are not a destination in life but events along the way. And girlfriends or wives or husbands are not targets - but people we share the journey with.

I think you need a change in focus here. Stop defining your self worth or goals by others or your relationships with others. Set your own goals out first.

elbie

Focusing on how your're alone and ruminating over it will make you depressed. No doubt about it. No doubt you're going to meet someone in the future, get married etc etc and there will come a day when you will long for your single, carefree days. You're putting too much emphasis on a time which has not arrived yet, therefore, it doesn't exist. Focus on the now. Focus on yourself. Pick up some new hobbies. Busy yourself with learning new things and making yourself more interesting. I 100% guarantee you, once you start enjoying your life on your own-you will meet someone.

I speak from experience, this is my exact position. I'm still single and I now love it. Im not worried about meeting someone because I really enjoy my own company, and whoever walks into my life would have to be pretty amazing for me to give that up.

Also, people who go from relationship to relationship are generally compensating for something.

beks101

I think when you’re searching for someone to make up the jigsaw puzzle of your life, these frivolous non-starters and flings and one-or-two-date-only scenarios that largely characterize the dating world these days are going to destroy you. Finding the right relationship is largely a numbers game and to be blunt about it, quite often you have to shovel through a lot of sh1t to make that connection with the right person. Quite often the wrong person - or a whole army of the wrong people - can seem like the right person in the moment, until things go south and you realize it didn’t have the potential you had hoped.

Anyone who has dated a lot will tell you that you need to have a thick skin and it’s really not the place for someone with questionable self-esteem who uses his/her relationships as a form of validation.

You need to learn to take a more frivolous approach and learn that getting a NO isn’t the end of the world. Don’t take it personally or start self-reflecting or ruminating - that will just set you back ten more steps than you need. It’s not personal, it’s dating and there are all kinds out there. People who seem genuine but are in fact, not. People that are not into you. People that are into you but you don’t feel the same. People with trust issues. People just looking for fun. People with busy lives who don’t want to make you a priority. People who don’t know what they want. People with relationship baggage. You will meet them all. Have fun with them! Chat, get to know them, kiss, sleep with them, whatever. But don’t gamble your long-term happiness on them because you literally never can know which one, if any, is going to be the one that sticks. Find other things to keep yourself fulfilled. Remain open, but reigned in emotionally until the right person comes along - you will know when that time is.

But please, relax! There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with you, you just met a few non-starters. I hit so many brick walls during my dating years it was almost hilarious, I definitely have a bestseller in me I just got to a place where I was so emotionally exhausted that I ceased to care anymore, I found other things to focus on, and guess what, a few months later some eejit came along and pulled the rug from under me.

Stay out there and don’t give up. Laugh at the next chick that turns you down or rejects you, have a rant about it over a pint with a mate and then say ‘Next!’ You’ll be grand I promise.

handbagmad

^^^^^
Great post thanks.