Need some online support

LegacyUser

Need some online support.

Will keep this short.

Partner is depressed. Am doing the best I can but it's hard.

Has been long term under the radar kind of thing, but has been a major disimprovement in last week. There was a trigger.

There is no family of theirs to turn to. I have a sibling and I have them over in the evenings sometimes to chat or I organise to have them over for food as I know I won't eat otherwise.

Have brought partner to doc to get a sick cert. Partner on medication already. Got sick cert for one week at a time.

Have arranged some CBT for partner and some counselling for myself.

But. Still feeling very alone and stressed. Not able to cope well with the ups and downs all the time. Sometimes good mood, other times **** the world. Medication making my partner forgetful/ absent minded? I'm finding cups in the laundry press and car keys in the bin.

Have told friends but we don't have many so still alone a lot.

This is the hardest part to write but I'm also sick of the thankless nature of looking after someone like this. I feel terrible for saying that. A friend will text to say "hope you are well" and partner is planning a thank you card for friend etc but I'm on the receiving end of all the anger and am nosey and interfering etc.

I know it's the nature of the illness but I really just need support. Or even just to converse with someone who isn't my sibling because I don't want to stress them out either.

Hopefully it will all be better when we start our counselling sessions. Partners first time, not mine.

Just so sad at the moment.

Tokyo

Hi OP,

let me be the first to tell you that there is no shame in reaching out for help, nor is there any shame in expressing the fact that you feel like you are in a thankless position at times. Being the primary carer in somebody's life can be, quite frankly, a thankless job at times, regardless of the illness - I speak from experience here. And sadly depression is one of those things that doesn't just affect the person suffering form it, but family and friends that have to bear the brunt of it at times too. It's also easy to get wrapped up in the other person's problems at cost of your own well being, so I'm glad that you have taken the time out to seek some counselling for yourself.

Regarding support, this list is by no means conclusive, but the useful links section of our forum charter contains links to support organisations that are there to not only provide assistance for those suffering from depression, but their family and friends too, and it may be well worth giving them a call. The links are posted below.

Samaritans Ireland - (116 123) - 24 hour support organisation for anybody going through a difficult period of their life. You can also contact your local branch of Samaritans.

GROW - (1890 474 474) - mental health organisation which helps people who have suffered, or are suffering, from mental health problems. Grow also hold regular meetings throughout Ireland.

GROW Young Adult - resources specifically to help the needs of young adults.

Aware - (1890 303 302) - service for people who experience depression and concerned family and friends of those suffering from depression.

Shine - national organisation dedicated to upholding the rights and addressing the needs of all those affected by mental ill health.

Pieta House - Suicide and Self Harm Crisis Centre, providing services for those who are in suicidal distress and those who engage in self-harm. Contact information for your local Pieta House can be found here.

Mental Health Ireland - Information Service on issues relating to mental health and mental illness.

LegacyUser

I suppose I'm not to be expected to know how to cope.
I'm not to be expected to know how to get the balance between helping and enabling as I'm not a psychotherapist.

Nobody is perfect, but our relationship was perfect for us. We got on so well, my partner made me laugh and was so loving and kind, so intelligent and we could have some really fantastic debates with each other. I learned so much from my partner and I taught them things too. We have an enormous amount of respect for each other and loved one another's company.

Now this person has gone, and what is left is unrecognisable to me. It's very shocking and upsetting for me. I'm scared too because I'm worried my partner won't come back.

My partner seems to be on heavy medication. I think they may be taking more than they should. Brought them to doc in their zoned out state. Doctor didn't seem too worried. Doc has always been great with other ailments so should I just trust him on this one too? Frightening watching my partner stumble around the house as if they are heavily stoned or something but I suppose it does beat the shouting and crying and tearing out of hair.

I know it's not all about me but it is a big adjustment.

Thank you mike_ie for your words. I know I have to get counselling as I know that there is no point in two of us being sick.

My partner is worth whatever it takes to get them back. I just hope I can get them back.

jopax

It must be a very scary & lonely time for you. Am just wondering if it would be worth going to see another go for a second opinion with regard to his medication.
Does he need to be that heavily medicated? If he does that is fair enough but I would be very concerned if he is that zoned out because of it.
My heart goes out to you during this time, try to mind yourself as best you can.

LegacyUser

No my partner doesn't need to be this heavily medicated.

Normally they are not this bad, they have been on this medication for some time now.

However, the trigger which occurred last week has meant that they are either just that down that they are zombified or they are taking more of the medication than the daily allowance.

I am reluctant to get them to change doctor as they have built up a trust with this one and in all fairness they do need this medication. It's just that they have hit a rough point and things have gone really crap the past week. If I tell a GP that they are abusing the medication short term it could lead to full term problems in getting it. That is not an option as my partner was almost at the point of no return just as we found the medication to work.

This is what I suppose I was alluding to when I said that I didn't know the balance between helping and enabling. How much of this is my fault.

I feel as though I am losing it now too ... I'm forgetting where things are, I am losing all sense of time. Hours seem like days. Only yesterday I had a phone conversation with my sibling and I would have sworn it was at least 2 days ago. I've eaten and I'm in bed reading. I'm trying to keep myself as relaxed as possible. I'm trying to do all the things I would advise someone in my position to do. I'm also trying to act to my partner that all is as normal as possible because I'm afraid if I pander to their low mood I'm helping them stay there. I mean asking them to help with housework, "dry the dishes, will you?" "Take out the bin"

They often help of their own bat anyway. I'm trying not to overreact and go all dramatic on it. But on the inside my head and heart are racing the whole time. I'm not sure how sustainable my current position is. I'm dying to get to counselling.

marizpan

It is important to be a bit selfish. If you give away all that you have/are, then there is nothing left, for you or your partner.
Look after yourself first, and then assist them. The nature of depression is that they will allow you to carry as large a burden as possible, but only carry what you can cope with.
The guilt, the moods, the anger! It is a difficult road

LegacyUser

Yes the moods. I think this is the hardest.

I was naive enough to text my sibling during the week to update them, saying that my partner was feeling better, and that we had a bit of a conversation about current affairs. I said to my sibling that my partner was cheering up already and that we would be done with this in no time.

Stupid, stupid thing to think. My partner has gone through an unbelievable range of emotions in just the last 24hrs alone.

It seems that one minute the only way this person seems to think they can communicate with me is through anger. The next they are making tea and cleaning up. They slept downstairs last night out of choice. I try to allow them to do whatever they want so long as they are not putting themselves at risk, so I didn't try change their mind. I just gave them some pillows and a blanket and told them they could come back to their bed, our bed any time they wanted. they started shouting to go away. I did, but then they got onto their social media account and started sending me messages telling me how bad a partner I am.

I'm not a bad partner. I know I'm not. But what do I do in this situation? Do I constantly reassure or is that feeding into their depression? Do I ignore, or is that making them feel more isolated? Do I fight back as depressed or not they have no right to treat me this way, or do I sit back and 'take one for the team' so to speak. They are obviously crying out for help, but when I try to give that help it's rejected.

I know that I will get answers to these questions at counselling, but have had to wait for the next available appointment so looking for some support in the meantime.

Thanks

Export

Hi there. I've been there.
It's like one step forwards and two steps back. Just when you think they're improving, they go back down again.
Your priority for now, has to be yourself. I ended up quite unwell myself in the heel of the hunt.
You will need to eat, work, exercise, look after yourself first and foremost.
You'll be no use to either of ye, if you end up sick aswell.
In relation to the over-use of the prescribed meds, what your partner ideally needs to do, is to go back to their GP and tell them that they feel they need more of the meds. Either the doctor then will increase it, or change it. He/she can't self-medicate. Do you think they would be honest enough with the GP?
In hindsight, I tried too hard to 'fix' them.
You need to trust the medics. It's their job to treat them. If the treatment is not working, then they need to adjust it. Ideally, I'd ask for a referral to a psychiatrist. GPs are not always the most expert on psychiatric meds.
Try to mind yourself, get on with life as best you can, while offering support when you can. But you are limited in what you can do.
Btw - I tried the 'normalising' of things too. Tried to involve them in normal day to day stuff. Sometimes they were able to, sometimes not. I tried everything, I tried too much! I couldn't fix them! I'm not a doctor, I'm not an expert!
Try to accept your limitations in what you can do.
My head used to be wrecked, seeking out different types of treatments, researching meds etc. etc. etc. I was going around in circles.
Try to just be a support. Let the doctors do their thing. Most importantly, keep your own life as normal as possible. Mind yourself.

Magicmatilda

A GP is not a specialist in Mental Health. To be honest if your partner has deteriorated that much I cannot for the life of me understand why the GP has not referred you to a psychiatrist or a psychologist. If your partner had heart disease or cancer you would not be happy with a GP looking after them. If they had a broken bone, similarly a GP is not suitable. Mental Health is the a specialism and should be dealt with by a specialist.

Is it possible that you are now a bit depressed yourself?

Do you work?

I think you really need to take some time out to go and spend with either your sibling or a friend. It is also important that you understand you are not responible for your partner and while depression is very serious and debilitive, leaving a depressed person alone for a few hours to go out and give yourself a break should not be a serious issue. If someone is so seriously depressed that you are unable to leave them alone then they should be in psychiatric care. If someone is so spaced out on medication that you cannot leave them alone then they should be in psychiatric or medical care.

You need to ensure that you are eating and sleeping. Not having a sibling there is no reason not to eat.

I would suggest that you arrange to go OUT with your sibling for dinner and discuss the reality of the situation with them.

LegacyUser

Sorry for the delayed reply.

To answer some questions. Yes, I do work myself. We actually work for the same company, but on different floors. We have different managers but the same boss, so by default my boss knows what I am going through.

Taking time off is not an option for me as I feel (maybe wrongly so) that we are disrupting the workplace enough with one of us being away.

Anyway, an update.

My partner is doing better than last week. They are back to work on a part time basis and back doing hobbies. They are not 100% but are working on it and over all things are improving.

I however, have been feeling worse. I don't know if this is normal, but it's as if I'm going through some traumatic stress following the previous week. Everything was ok, then bam it was ridiculously bad, and now it's back to being ok. As in, my partner is managing the depression - or at least appearing to, just like they were before the incident that triggered the downward spiral last week (sorry I can't go into more detail on the trigger, but it would most definitely identify my partner )

My partner is back to the loving person they were beforehand but I just feel very low after it all. I am still seeing my counsellor and intend on continuing to do so until I start to feel better.

Is this normal?

I am eating, but it is such an effort. Things have happened to me over the past week - really good things that I should be relishing in and I just can't even enjoy them. I just can't see the positivity anymore.