Leaving People Behind

LegacyUser

Hi,
I posted here before and was given good advice, hard, real advice, that took time to implement. It was about leaving a negative, dysfunctional and traumatic childhood behind and finding my own happiness. I did it eventually, so, what brings me back.......

Well, I changed so much I am literally not the same person mentally or physically, and I could only do that as I had little or no contact with my family. I also realised, I had nothing to lose, because as was said to me here, once I set boundaries, chances were that I would have all doors closed on me. They were slammed!!

Now, I guess it was always inevitable that something would happen to bring us back together. Out of the blue I got a call from one of them with an apology for all that went on in the past and how much I was missed and how sorry they were. I felt we had turned a corner and maybe we could get on with things, but I had a feeling there was alcohol fuelling this conversation. I was right and had it confirmed by the person during the week. The person is mentally unhealthy and within a week of having her back in my life I felt dragged down, guilty for feeling that way and feeling like I should be doing more to help as she is genuinely going through a difficult time. That said, she is never 'not' going through a difficult time.

Will it always be this hard to interact with family. I am teetotal now, I don't indulge in some of the behaviours that had me very depressed and yet these very behaviours are still very evident in my family.

Do I disregard the conversation as it was a drunken apology and forget about ever sorting things out, because being honest, I don't know that I can. I was just starting to get on with my life and now I feel I should be helping family again....... as that's what you do. I was also blamed for leaving them down by walking away and found myself apologising too.

Maybe this makes no sense at all, I don't know, but it's out there now if anyone can help.
Thanks.

New Home

imageverification wrote: »

I was also blamed for leaving them down by walking away and found myself apologising too.

Hi OP, you really shouldn't feel guilty for trying to look after yourself. Even if you wanted to help your family, remember you can't help someone who's drowning if you're drowning yourself in the first place, and even less so if they're the ones dragging you down. The way I see it, first swim to shore and get yourself to a safe place, so to speak; only then can you reach out to them to help them. That's my 2c, anyway... Be strong.

Rubberchikken

Maybe accept the apology, even if it was from a person who was drunk, and then carry on with your life.
You've done so much to change for the good, and you can't let that go.
I admire the strength you've shown and hope you continue in this positive way.

Take care

jopax

It really does depend if anything has changed since you cut contact in the first place.
Where drink is involved its hard to know what your dealing with.
Just because you spoke or accepted an apology doesn't mean you have to jump back into any dysfunctional relationships
For your own benefit keep up with your boundaries and keep contact to a minimum.
Just be cautious and mind yourself.
I hope things work out for you.

marizpan

Keep your boundaries. Stay rational, not emotional.
Agree with yourself boundaries, in writing if nesscary, and stick to it. Refer back to it if you have self doubt.

Usually when you move away from negative people/family, you will have to find/develop a new support network of positive people, while dropping the negative ones. This can take time but is worthwhile.

LegacyUser

I would agree with what Marizpan said. You need to remember how many changes you made to improve your own life and be proud of how well your doing.

My feeling is that this woman contacted you because she is having a "hard time" and you have told us she is always going though a hard time. Since then you have been feeling bad because you can't do more for her and because you walked away from your family.
The reality was that you could have stayed in the same old rut like the rest of your family or
you could leave and make improvements to you own life.

Don't feel that you have to help this woman out or that you have to have your family back in your life. Your family may not be happy with you leaving or with the changes you made as it is showing up how bad there own lives are.
You have moved on with your life so don't go back to the drinking ect that you did in the past.
Good Luck

LegacyUser

Thank you for the replies.

It seems contact was re established as there is a lot of drama at home at the moment.

I know it's guilt that has me wanting to help out as if these people were not related to me I wouldn't give it a second thought. However, that makes me feel even guiltier as that's what family is supposed to be for, even though they have never been there for me.

With all the talk in the media about looking after each other, and it's ok to not be ok stuff, I just feel I should be doing more.

I even feel guilty for improving my own life so much. Now I just feel stupid as well for feeling so much.

Maybe it gets easier. Thanks anyway.

New Home

imageverification wrote: »

However, that makes me feel even guiltier as that's what family is supposed to be for, even though they have never been there for me.

With all the talk in the media about looking after each other, and it's ok to not be ok stuff, I just feel I should be doing more. .

Exactly OP, looking after EACH OTHER - it's a two way street, it's a give and take, not a take-take-take only on their part, with you giving-giving-giving...

It might not be much, but I'm sending you a hug anyway.

thefeatheredcat

OP I don't know if you have resolved this with yourself but a question to ask yourself is do you really want to land back in a vicious cycle and circle with this particular family member again?

Long story short, someone I previously kicked out of my life recently sought to get back in and I told them where to go. They were horrible towards me and how they treated me, and drink and drugs was involved on their side and other issues in the background the last time. No apology and no reason for unexpected contact. Ever since I was conflicted about whether I did the right thing or not. I reasoned that while I didn't know the reason for the contact, I had assumptions and having known that person I eventually conceded in an argument with myself that those assumptions were most likely right. And the last time I let them back into my life - because I felt sorry for them and quite empathetic to a difficult time they were going through - I deeply regretted it in the end. So I reflected and evaluated how I felt about not giving them a 3rd chance, without knowing this time why they were in contact. I had doubts and I felt tinges of guilt but I eventually resolved the internal conflict I felt about telling them where to go. It boiled down to how they made me felt, to how they treated me, and if they have changed. All negatives and I could foresee that the same vicious circle and cycle I had with them the last time around, would just happen again. I made a deal with myself that this would be an exception where I would allow myself to not care, just this once in my life I would be totally selfish... just so I could protect myself and my happiness, my self esteem, and prevent them from pissing on it with whatever state their life is in and whatever chaos they might cause in mine. And I feel quite fine with it and happy with it.

I know for you it's harder, it's family but you have to look out for yourself and protect yourself from people who will drag you back into that vicious circle and prevent you from finding ways out of it.

imageverification wrote: »

The person is mentally unhealthy and within a week of having her back in my life I felt dragged down, guilty for feeling that way and feeling like I should be doing more to help as she is genuinely going through a difficult time. That said, she is never 'not' going through a difficult time.

You should document for your own benefit exactly how this person makes you feel, just after 1 week of them back in your life. The guilt does not belong to you, it is really this person that should feel guilty not you, because they do drag you down and they are trying to suck you back into their drama because that is the status quo and they will want to sabotage whatever you have made in your life for yourself to get that status quo back and deter you from challenging it again. You should challenge your reason for feeling guilty.... like societal/media pressure and the need to help family especially around mental health or other issues.... but it's easy to say do that without knowing what the reality could be for an individual involved where common sense would say walk away rather than stay and be trodden on.

Whatever issues they have, it is their responsibility to take responsibility in their life and to sort themselves out, to be accountable for their behaviour and actions. If they need help in any way from mental health issues to addiction issues, it is them that has to seek it.

So far it seems like you were baited by an apology to walk back into their life and the added bonus of the stuff going on at home that you know bout to lure you back through manipulation of your conscience, and straight away had it proved that they shouldn't have been trusted for the drunken apology it turned out to be and subsequent behaviour. Take it as a lesson learned and move on with your life. Maybe in time you can sort things out but it really should be when they have sorted themselves out so that it's not dragging you into a toxic situation that seeks to drag you down and shred the accomplishments you have made.

Queen-Mise

OP - it does seem like nothing has changed. Awareness of what happened does not mean that anything will have changed.

The trick will be to have a relationship without getting overly emotionally involved. You can't fix them - they have to do that themselves. You can help them once started, but they have to make the first steps to help themselves.

I would stand back, and have a relationship from a distance. Remember all the reasons you created space in the first place.