Ambivalent about everything

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm just wandering through life at the minute with no real conviction or motives. I'm attending IPT but so far I've not made any progress.

I'm just so ambivalent about things and have no motivation. I would like to get out and be sociable but I've no friends. I have no real interests - this comes up all the time in counselling and I keep telling them that this is my problem - I have no interests, I'm ambivalent about almost everything.

Someone I know is moving away to another country and I'm feeling jealous about it. Deep down I know I couldn't do it because I'd be even more isolated away from my family and comfort zone. also, because I have not given here a fair crack of the whip and moving away would be running away.

I've never changed job in my life and do not do anything out of the ordinary.

I'm not really sure what my question is here. I guess seeing this other person making big decisions in their life has made me question my life.

I want to change, but in reality I just can't be bothered changing. Why am I like this? Does anyone else feel this way?

Big Bag of Chips

Is this a problem for you? I don't mean that as a smart question, but some people are happy going through their life and not changing too much. Social media makes it look like there's loads going on in other people's lives, and we should all aspire to have that fun filled, jam packed life.

Are you happy? Or are you unhappy? Do you want to change things? Or do you think you should want to change things? Change is easy enough if you want it. But.. You should only make small changes at a time. If you have all these grand plans about this fabulous life you'd like then getting there seems like a mountainous task. But, if you think of one small thing that could start the change and focus on that. You say you've never changed job. So why not look at what's available and maybe apply for another job? Whether you get it or not would be irrelevant, at least you'd have done something different by applying for it.

Planning or thinking of huge changes, will never work because it seems like such a huge effort to get there that people just tend to not bother even trying. But small changes are possible. Nobody is going to walk up to you and hand you an exciting life. But at the same time, you don't have to have an exciting life!! If you are unhappy then vow to make one small change in your life before the end of September. Set yourself one easily achievable goal, and force yourself to reach it. Nobody else can do it for you. On the other hand, if you genuinely are not bothered, and you are only worrying about this because you think it's what "society" expects, then accept who you are, and learn to be comfortable with the person you are.

Rubberchikken

tbh i do the same things day in, and day out. so i can see where you're coming from, but the thing is i'm happy with what i'm doing. so my question is, are you happy?
maybe seeing your friend willing to go abroad has stirred up something, but if you are happy here and don't really want to go abroad, then that's perfectly fine.

if you're unhappy with the way things are, then instead of thinking of big steps, start with a small one. try something new, maybe a night class or jpon a sports club.
good luck

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Is this a problem for you? I don't mean that as a smart question, but some people are happy going through their life and not changing too much. Social media makes it look like there's loads going on in other people's lives, and we should all aspire to have that fun filled, jam packed life.

Yes, it is a problem for me, but I just can't be bothered doing anything about it. Well, really I never seem to have time. I spend meost of my day at work becuase I have no social life. Constantly tired, etc. I want to get out and enjoy life, but I am unable to change

Are you happy? Or are you unhappy? Do you want to change things? Or do you think you should want to change things? Change is easy enough if you want it. But.. You should only make small changes at a time. If you have all these grand plans about this fabulous life you'd like then getting there seems like a mountainous task. But, if you think of one small thing that could start the change and focus on that.

Definitely unhappy. I want things to change, but I don't know how to do it. Well I do, but I just don't ever seem to get around to doing anything. I spend most evenings surfing 'net etc, but real life passes me by.

You say you've never changed job. So why not look at what's available and maybe apply for another job? Whether you get it or not would be irrelevant, at least you'd have done something different by applying for it.

I'm scared of not being good enough, even though I am one of the higher grades in my job. It has come about due to me spending so much time there not becuase I am intelligent or a good worker.

Planning or thinking of huge changes, will never work because it seems like such a huge effort to get there that people just tend to not bother even trying. But small changes are possible. Nobody is going to walk up to you and hand you an exciting life. But at the same time, you don't have to have an exciting life!! If you are unhappy then vow to make one small change in your life before the end of September. Set yourself one easily achievable goal, and force yourself to reach it. Nobody else can do it for you.

I know this which is frustrating me even more. I just don't seem to be able to get myself out and about.

On the other hand, if you genuinely are not bothered, and you are only worrying about this because you think it's what "society" expects, then accept who you are, and learn to be comfortable with the person you are.

I often think like this, but then I realise that I am not happy and I want to chnage and get out and meet people. Instead of being on the computer 18+ hours per day between work and surfing.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

tbh i do the same things day in, and day out. so i can see where you're coming from, but the thing is i'm happy with what i'm doing. so my question is, are you happy?
maybe seeing your friend willing to go abroad has stirred up something, but if you are happy here and don't really want to go abroad, then that's perfectly fine.

No, if I think about it, I'm not happy. I'm comfortable and safe in my little bubble. But I'm not happy. I have no desire to go to any of the places they are looking at to work in, but it is more the fact that they are doing something and trying to better themselves and their life that makes me feel inadequate.

if you're unhappy with the way things are, then instead of thinking of big steps, start with a small one. try something new, maybe a night class or jpon a sports club.

I have tried classes and gym. I have no real interests in either sports or leisure. This is a big problem for me - I have no real interests.
good luck

LegacyUser

You don't seem to know what you want. It might help to write down exactly how you would like your life to be, being as specific as possible. This could open your eyes to what you do want and what steps you need to take.

You say you don't like sports/ leisure, but you also say you want to meet people. Unfortunately, you have to engage in some kind of activity to meet others, even if you don't love the activity itself!

I don't adore tag rugby as a sport, nor am I particularly talented at it. However, I play it because it gets me out, and because I really like the people on the team and the social aspect. So you don't necessarily have to love the activity to get enjoyment out of it overall!

Another suggestion I'd have for you is volunteering. It feels worthwhile and you will meet people - you don't have to be extracting enjoyment from it minute to minute though. Some examples: St. John's Ambulance is quite social and they have tons of local branches. You do a first aid course in the beginning, to get you into it. You'll then get into actually helping out. There's a good gender mix too. St. Vincent de Paul does flat decorating (mostly just painting walls) if you'd rather not have too much interaction with those you're helping - you will volunteer in a group though. And then there's the homeless soup run..

It might also be helpful to arrange to attend activities with someone you know. This will help motivate you to show up more than once. If you don't have a friend you think you could ask, maybe a sibling or a cousin?

Finally, if you're struggling to think of things that interest you, maybe try making a list of things you enjoyed or took part in when you were a child. Could be a good starting point!

sephster, posts take a while to be approved by one of the mod team. Please don't post the same thing repeatedly

sezyboo

I feel like this too sometimes but lately I am trying to get my act together. I have decided I only have this life to live. It is hard somedays. I have OCD and panic disorder and it has kept me from living from life for a long time but recently I am really trying hard to get back to normal whatever normal is. I make little lists of small things to do like go out to the shops, try a new recipe etc. Start small :-)

LegacyUser

Sephster wrote: »

You say you don't like sports/ leisure, but you also say you want to meet people. Unfortunately, you have to engage in some kind of activity to meet others, even if you don't love the activity itself!

I've tried this and became disengaged very quickly as I have no interest in the activity.

Another suggestion I'd have for you is volunteering. It feels worthwhile and you will meet people - you don't have to be extracting enjoyment from it minute to minute though. Some examples: St. John's Ambulance is quite social and they have tons of local branches. You do a first aid course in the beginning, to get you into it. You'll then get into actually helping out. There's a good gender mix too. St. Vincent de Paul does flat decorating (mostly just painting walls) if you'd rather not have too much interaction with those you're helping - you will volunteer in a group though. And then there's the homeless soup run..

Do you know what - I can't be bothered with the above. I know what you are saying is true, but this is my problem - I can't be bothered. I know what to do and where to go, but I just can't be bothered and this frustrates me. I want to imrpove, but for some reason I just can't go up and do it.
Part of it is a fear of change - doing something outside my comfort zone, and part of it is embarassment at going along alone to these things - being the person with no friends. I have no life and a very set routine which is comforting to me and makes me feel safe. It is not ideal, but as much as I want change I'm scared of it.

It might also be helpful to arrange to attend activities with someone you know. This will help motivate you to show up more than once. If you don't have a friend you think you could ask, maybe a sibling or a cousin?

I have no-one - literally no-one.

Finally, if you're struggling to think of things that interest you, maybe try making a list of things you enjoyed or took part in when you were a child. Could be a good starting point!

Hmm, maybe I'll think about this bit a bit more - although my childhood was many decades past now!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel like this too sometimes but lately I am trying to get my act together. I have decided I only have this life to live. It is hard somedays. I have OCD and panic disorder and it has kept me from living from life for a long time but recently I am really trying hard to get back to normal whatever normal is. I make little lists of small things to do like go out to the shops, try a new recipe etc. Start small :-)

I'm glad you are making progress. I had a few false dawns that means I'm wary of making any progress.


Does anyone know anything about IPT? It seems to be in a number of phases and currently I'm going through the introduction phase which is going through my background looking for causes for my behaviour and situation.
I just feel that when push comes to shove I'll be found wanting and released from treatment which would be very hard for me to take. I've been very honest with the counsellor about my ambivalence and lack of enthuasium for change, but still having a deeep seated ambition to change and not knowing why I can't do what I deeply want to do.

Semele

It may be worth trying cognitive behavioural therapy if you feel IPT isn't making a difference. CBT is all about identifying the thoughts and core beliefs that are maintaining a situation (your posts are full of them!:)) and getting you to test these out through doing things differently. It's not the solution to all problems by any means, but it is very practical and problem-focused so would get you actually addressing the lifestyle issues you've described rather than just reflecting on them endlessly.

In relation to some of the other things you've said, I was reminded of a very interesting conversation I had with someone I met a few years ago while volunteering. We were having a chat about how we'd both got into it, and he said something that stuck with me because it was so different to the kind of answers most people gave to those questions: he said that in his opinion people put the cart before the horse in terms of interests. He used to never bother doing anything (like volunteering) because he would automatically discount it as something that "good" people do, or something that only certain people would have the guts to go for- the kind of people who are always doing slightly weird and interesting things and seem really confident and up for anything.

But then one day he realised that maybe he'd got things the wrong way round- it's not that he wasn't the sort of person who would do things like that, but that maybe doing those things is what would make him that sort of person! That maybe he would become a more "good" person by using some of his time to volunteer to help others; or become a more interesting person by doing interesting things. Even if he didn't like the things he tried, he would be the sort of person who has a go at things. His experiences gave him new stories to tell and interesting plans to mention, that then made him come across to others as a person with a varied and interesting life. The more people responded to him with interest, the more he began to feel he was an interesting person, and now his confidence and self worth are miles above what they were when he was the guy who never bothered doing anything but complained about being bored all the time.

LegacyUser

Semele wrote: »

It may be worth trying cognitive behavioural therapy if you feel IPT isn't making a difference. CBT is all about identifying the thoughts and core beliefs that are maintaining a situation (your posts are full of them!:)) and getting you to test these out through doing things differently. It's not the solution to all problems by any means, but it is very practical and problem-focused so would get you actually addressing the lifestyle issues you've described rather than just reflecting on them endlessly.

I have tried CBT unsuccessfully in the past.

But then one day he realised that maybe he'd got things the wrong way round- it's not that he wasn't the sort of person who would do things like that, but that maybe doing those things is what would make him that sort of person! That maybe he would become a more "good" person by using some of his time to volunteer to help others; or become a more interesting person by doing interesting things. Even if he didn't like the things he tried, he would be the sort of person who has a go at things. His experiences gave him new stories to tell and interesting plans to mention, that then made him come across to others as a person with a varied and interesting life. The more people responded to him with interest, the more he began to feel he was an interesting person, and now his confidence and self worth are miles above what they were when he was the guy who never bothered doing anything but complained about being bored all the time.

I understand what you are saying. But as I type I am sitting working from home even though I have so many other things I could do - gym, cinema, organising holiday, booking flights, learning a language.
I can't understand why I continually permit myself to behave in this way. It is incrediably frustrating that I can't do what I want and instead through myself into work to fill the void instead of finding activities to fill the time. It is now at the stage whereby it is taken for granted pretty much that i'll do overtime and whatever necessary to get things done - not because I'm good at my job, but only because I've got nothing else to do.

LegacyUser

Ambivalent wrote: »

I understand what you are saying. But as I type I am sitting working from home even though I have so many other things I could do - gym, cinema, organising holiday, booking flights, learning a language.

Well, do one of these things tomorrow! Just one! You've taken a small step by posting this thread, now onto the next small step.