LGBTQ awareness in the family

Rosy Posy

I'm not a regular poster in this forum, being hetro, cisgender, but I was hoping for some perspective/advice.

My 3yo son tells me the other day that when he grows up he wants to be a lady like mammy. We had a short and simple chat about it, the general jist of which being that some boys can grow up to be ladies. In discussion with my husband later I discovered that he believes transexuality to be a function of body dysmorphia, in essence a disease. This particularly worries me as he is a healthcare professional.

I wonder if anyone on here can advise or direct me to information to better educate my husband on lgbtq issues. For the record he is not a homophobe and has gay and lesbian friends and colleagues.

I also would appreciate any insights/pointers on educating my children to be lgbtq sensitive. I have three sons and a daughter- there is a fair chance that one of them will be lgbtq, or at least one of their friends will be. I would love to free them from the homophobic mindset that seems endemic in teenage boys in particular. They are still young and open.

Thanks in advance

Lyaiera

It sounds like your husband doesn't have too much knowledge of transgender people or "gender dysphoria" (what trans people are diagnosed with now.) Prejudice against trans people is transphobia and not homophobia, apart from that though I think your post is great.

This guide has been widely praised. http://www.ctys.org/sites/default/files/familiesintransition-a_resource_guide_for_parents-080608.pdf

It's from the Central Toronto Youth Services and is aimed at parents of trans children who are trying to understand their child's situation. I think the point you're making to your husband that one of your kids or their friends could be gay or transgender, or both gay and transgender is excellent. Maybe showing him that guide with the idea that he could end up dealing with a trans child (his own or otherwise) might be helpful.

I can't help with how best to help your children but if you care enough to post looking for help you're already far along the right path. And major kudos to you for being honest with your three year old.

blanckensee

Dear Rosy Posy,
Thank you for your post. So few dads talk about these issues. Your husband is one of the few who will even verbalise their views so he is at least communicating.
As a dad whose son is trans* I have had to confront my own homophobia and transphobia - and let's face it ignorance - over the last few years.
I am still homophobic, because I have been living all my life in a society where the prevailing view was that being gay was a bad thing and gay people were perverted. These feelings and learned instincts influence all Irish people, but are particularly strong I believe, for men when they are dads.
I have used two main approaches to help myself to adapt. Firstly I read articles and watched you tube posts and films by LGBTQ people talking about their lives, feelings and gender. Second I connected with real LGBTQ people who are living genuine lives and shared experiences and stories with them.
My family have received huge support from TENI (Transgender Equality Network Ireland phone 01-8733575) and through the recent forming of a national support group for families of transgender young people called TransParenCI. This group provides opportunities for parents, siblings and young trans* people to come together and share stories, get information and support each other.
Some of my transgender friends have reported knowing their gender at a very early age - 3 years old is quite common. The majority of psychologists and experts advise that parents should not dismiss or prevent their child from dressing and using names in the gender they view themselves as the child may grow to see themselves as 'mad' or 'bad'.
Please search and read some posts on TransParentCI facebook page or follow @Trans_ParenCI on twitter for further information.
Best of luck and feel free to contact via the above methods for more personal support at any time.

Rosy Posy

Thanks for your replies. I have always tried to be open and honest with my children about the spectrum of sexuality and gender in an age appropriate way. I just don't have a lot of experience or knowledge of transexuality and I feel like our ignorance has been highlighted. Something that tripped me up was that I was about to say to him that you could choose your gender (to become a lady) when you're older but it's not a choice is it, it's how you're born? Anyway I just left it open as a possibility.

I have seen gay friends struggle with their own sexuality and coming out to their parents and I don't want to put that on my kids, or for them to put that on their friends. As blanckensee says, it's a cultural norm that we need to shake off.

The child in question does love to get into his sisters dress ups, loves pink (more so than my daughter) and will frequently play at being a lady but this could just be his natural expression and have little bearing on his gender or sexuality. Funnily enough my oh used to roll his eyes at this but since we had our third son he says he is satisfied that at least one of the boys will procreate and carry on the family name (!) and has relaxed about it. I know that this is archaic/flawed thinking but it's a start. We are just making it up as we go along with our fingers crossed that it doesn't come out like a Philip Larkin poem, but those resources are a step in the right direction. Thanks once again

blanckensee

Best of luck with everything RosyPosy.
A phone conversation or face to face meeting with other parents can be arranged at any stage if you feel the need.
This generation of young people are amazing and LGBTQ teenagers are mostly confident, out and proud...as it should be. The future has a bright rainbow in it!

Lyaiera

Rosy Posy wrote: »

Something that tripped me up was that I was about to say to him that you could choose your gender (to become a lady) when you're older but it's not a choice is it, it's how you're born? Anyway I just left it open as a possibility

I actually don't think that's too awful a thing to say. The reality is that most trans people will have to at some point "decide" to transition. Now this is entirely driven by society, because people simply don't have the freedom to act and dress the way they want and going outside the norms is generally seen as a conscious decision, and even moreso deciding to seek hormone treatment has to be a conscious and well thought through decision.

I think the real emphasis should be on how serious a decision the decision actually is. For example a three year old wearing "opposite gender" clothes. In part the "severity" of defying social norms could make up some of the decision, but for a three year old the real decision should come down to whether they like wearing the clothes. As your child ages the influence of others beyond brother/sister/mammy/daddy will become more important, with people telling him he's weird to be doing that, and at that point confidence needs to come into the situation. Does your child feel strongly enough that they want to be seen in feminine attire, or would they rather blend in. And really does this make them upset? Are they feeling put upon from others because of their decisions when their decision should really be about them feeling happiness within and about themselves.

"Choosing your gender" isn't necessarily a bad thing. I have heard of children becoming afraid (for how long I don't know) that they will wake up a girl rather than a boy. I think giving them control over how they want to be seen is the important aspect. "Do you want to be a girl? Yes? That's fine. You don't have to be but if you want to that's perfectly ok. And it's perfectly ok if you want to be a boy and not a girl. It is up to you and whatever you feel comfortable with."

Links234

Rosy Posy wrote: »

The child in question does love to get into his sisters dress ups, loves pink (more so than my daughter) and will frequently play at being a lady but this could just be his natural expression and have little bearing on his gender or sexuality.

It could just be your child figure themselves out, it's hard to say at that age tbh, but a majority of children who identify with the opposite gender do grow out of it, and often times might grow up to be gay or lesbian. But it's a very, very wonderful thing that you're ready to accept your child no matter what they grow up to be.

Annasopra

OP I think Blanckensee has offered some really good advice and resources

I'm not sure if this might be useful or not but there is a good manual on human right education specifically in the areas of gender and sexuality for children.

Its very detailed and specific and aimed at educators but it might give you some ideas when discussing these issues with your children

http://www.ifm-sei.org/files/up/rr-website.pdf