Feeling guilty for wondering what could have been

QueenBey

I cant believe i'm even writing this. Im in a 9 year relationship. Hes great totally trusting, loyal, im totally myself around him, we have loads in common and have fun together but hes extremely lazy, never has money and sometimes hes not even a bit affectionate towards me. And lacks ambition. His lack of money has been on going since we met, it makes him miserable too. But the lack of ambition to change this is what gets to me.

We had a fight last week and out of pure nosiness I looked an ex up on facebook, seen he is off studying to be a doctor. Got engaged a few months back on my birthday and it makes me wonder what could have been.... I hate myself for feeling like this, pure guilty I feel horrible. When I was with my ex he cheated on me, told me I was ugly and looked like a witch, said I needed braces because I looked like bugs bunny and generally was not nice. However I was crazy about him back then. Ive barely thought of him in the last ten years. Why have these thoughts consumed me the last week. I don't want to be with my ex or don't want anything to do with him but I just feel envious of the life I could of had...its so stupid! I hate myself for this

skallywag

QueenBey wrote: »

We had a fight last week and out of pure nosiness I looked an ex up on facebook...

Sounds like you did it more of spite than nosiness to be honest. I don't think it's ever advisable to look up anything to do with an ex after having a fight with your partner.

QueenBey

skallywag wrote: »

Sounds like you did it more of spite than nosiness to be honest. I don't think it's ever advisable to look up anything to do with an ex after having a fight with your partner.

I didn't actually search his name he came up as im friends with his cousins and he commented on a picture and I just kinda was curious....and no it wasn't a good idea!

Typer Monkey

But it isn't a life you could've had because you were never going to be together long term. Your ex didn't even seem to like you much never mind love you. He also sounds mean so if it's the money you are yearning after, you might not have seen much of it.

It sounds like a symptom of a specific gripe you have with your boyfriend (his lack of ambition and financial success) and that is what's making you obsess about your ex. The prestige his job brings is only one small aspect if his personality though. The rest of it doesn't sound very impressive. Likewise your boyfriend's lack of ambition or social currency is one aspect of his. You'll just have to decide if it warrants ending your relationship over.

I don't think your ex warrants much further thought. Being wistful for someone who abused you emotionally just because he now has a good job isn't very healthy

Tokyo

QueenBey wrote: »

I just feel envious of the life I could of had.

Next time you are feeling envious - consider that this could have been the life you had too:

when I was with my ex he cheated on me, told me I was ugly and looked like a witch, said I needed braces because I looked like bugs bunny and generally was not nice.

He sounds like a very nasty individual, and a medical degree and a better paycheck doesn't compensate for that. Your issues with your current partner ARE relevant though, and consider your thoughts as a warning sign - an expression of frustration on your part, that his actions are affecting you more than you might think, and that you both need to sit down together and see if you can both work on at least some of them.

Stavro Mueller

I think your finding out about your ex held up a mirror to your own life and you didn't like what you saw. Leaving aside your ex's repellent behaviour for a moment, what you're looking at is a man who knuckled down, worked hard and will have a good, well-paid job as a result of this. I think your boyfriend's laziness is bothering you far more than you thought it was and seeing your ex improving his lot has hammered this home.

It's very hard to change someone's temperament and out look on life unfortunately. There's a very good chance that your boyfriend is going to continue to be very lazy and broke. If he's not willing to change then either you'll have to accept that this is the way it's going to be or you end things. There's no black and white answer to this unfortunately.

iusedtoknow

QueenBey wrote: »

I cant believe i'm even writing this. Im in a 9 year relationship. Hes great totally trusting, loyal, im totally myself around him, we have loads in common and have fun together but hes extremely lazy, never has money and sometimes hes not even a bit affectionate towards me. And lacks ambition. His lack of money has been on going since we met, it makes him miserable too. But the lack of ambition to change this is what gets to me.

We had a fight last week and out of pure nosiness I looked an ex up on facebook, seen he is off studying to be a doctor. Got engaged a few months back on my birthday and it makes me wonder what could have been.... I hate myself for feeling like this, pure guilty I feel horrible. When I was with my ex he cheated on me, told me I was ugly and looked like a witch, said I needed braces because I looked like bugs bunny and generally was not nice. However I was crazy about him back then. Ive barely thought of him in the last ten years. Why have these thoughts consumed me the last week. I don't want to be with my ex or don't want anything to do with him but I just feel envious of the life I could of had...its so stupid! I hate myself for this

What of your own ambitions/money situation?

Suddenly the emotionally abusive ex that is becoming a doctor (a respected and well paid job, at least eventually) is looking like the ideal partner, while your current one who lacks ambition and money (at least as you see it) and won't provide for you "the life you could have had" and by default, bask in their reflected glory.

Ambition/Money are important attributes, but they aren't the be all and end all of life. I'd much rather have a partner I had fun with, whose company I enjoyed and who I had loads in common with than someone who was overly ambitious/materialistic.

It sounds like you and the BF are having issues if he is not affectionate etc. Have you really properly spoken about it?

shalalala

I think your ex sounds awful and it is natural to look and wonder what might have been but I do think you are doing it for the wrong reasons.

Your current partner sounds awful in a different way. Laziness and a lack of ambition is not something that most people want for a long term partner. What if you get ill and you need him to provide for the house? Will he step up?

I know that it is extreme, but it is something that you need from a long term partner.

Merkin

I think you need to be on your own. Neither of the men mentioned were/are suitable and neither treat(ed) you with respect or hold you in high enough esteem.

Take some time out to work on your self esteem and stop putting up with such bad behaviour, raise your expectations and believe that you can do way way better.

CaraMay

Sounds like you are just not very happy in the relationship you are in. Someone broke, lazy and with no ambition would drive me mad

fizzypish

iusedtoknow wrote: »

What of your own ambitions/money situation?

This is the crux of it for me. My relationship is important to me for many reasons and I rely on my GF for many things but money or being successful isn't one. Thats on you. You can't make your partner be successful but you sure as **** can stop facilitating it. Make and keep your own money and force him to do the same. As for not being affectionate, you'll just have to have a chat about it. Actually a chat about the whole issue in general is probably the best first port of call.

eviltwin

Imagine for a second you were still with your ex OP. You would be engaged to a soon to be doctor. I imagine that would look great on your profile, people would be happy for you, you'd have a lot of security etc etc.

But it would be just a sham because you'd be in a relationship with someone who has no respect for you, who cheats on you, who enjoys putting you down and making you feel bad about yourself. The engagement ring and kudos of being a doctors wife ain't much in the way of compensation when he is the reason your self esteem is in tatters.

Your with someone who clearly loves you and values you, the rest can be worked on. Okay so he isn't ambitious but not everyone is and that's okay. I would disagree with those who think its lazy or a lack of respect on his part. Some of us are happy to stay middle of the road, we can't all be high flyers and a lot of people don't want to be.

You do need to be on the same page though and if you see more in your future you can either a) talk to your partner and try and inspire him to work for more, b) you can leave him and find someone more ambitious or c) you can work for it yourself.

If the only reason you are posting this though after 9 years is because of a random look at your ex on FB and you feel your current partner is coming up short I feel a bit sorry for him. He shouldn't have to live in the shadow of another man especially one who treated you so badly in the first place.

Rubberchikken

imo the ex sounds like a guy best avoided, doctor or no doctor.
anyone who could speak to a person like you say he did doesn't deserve anyone.

your partner's lack of ambition is something he has to address in his own time.

take care.

I'd be surprised if you really wanted your ex as opposed to just being unhappy with your current boyfriend and you're just looking around.

I think it's time to realise this is a sign you're unhappy and work on the issues you have with your current boyfriend. And if that doesn't work, move on.
I don't think you need to be told that going back to someone who treats you badly is a bad idea

QueenBey

Thanks everyone for the replies, im more than happy in my current relationship, things are hard for him purely because of him being out of work for a long time which got him down, he wants a job as much as the next person! Do I wish he was as determined as me yes but I am over determined sometimes..

I guess it annoys me that the ex treated me so bad and had everything fall into place for him more than anything, he was a real jerk to me, even thinking back to the amount of times he dumped me and I took him back, more fool me! I was young and stupid and didn't think I could get anyone else! I don't know what I was thinking even caring what he is doing now...its irrelevant as he is still the b**tard who called me names and made me think I was so ugly that no one else would love me!

CaraMay

QueenBey wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the replies, im more than happy in my current relationship, things are hard for him purely because of him being out of work for a long time which got him down, he wants a job as much as the next person! Do I wish he was as determined as me yes but I am over determined sometimes..

I guess it annoys me that the ex treated me so bad and had everything fall into place for him more than anything, he was a real jerk to me, even thinking back to the amount of times he dumped me and I took him back, more fool me! I was young and stupid and didn't think I could get anyone else! I don't know what I was thinking even caring what he is doing now...its irrelevant as he is still the b**tard who called me names and made me think I was so ugly that no one else would love me!

He probably treats his fiancée the same way....

eviltwin

You don't know that everything has fallen into place for him, FB is great for showing the world the very best aspects of your life, people rarely advertise the bad stuff. Take it with a pinch of salt and even if his life is perfect so what? You're not in competition with him, you've a successful relationship with a man who clearly loves you so your life is pretty successful too. Maybe you need to focus more on what you have rather than what you don't.

Stavro Mueller

What exactly is it that's bothering you about what might have been? Are you frustrated by how things are for you now. You say you're with your partner 9 years. Has his lack of finances impinged upon your life? Is it stopping you from having a family, getting married, buying a house or moving into a nice place? Does it mean you can't take a holiday or enjoy yourself without worrying about the cost? Both of you appear to have different outlooks on life and that can cause conflict. At the same time, your boyfriend's laziness and lack of ambition is affecting you both in different ways. Have you ever sat down and had a serious conversation about where things are going? If the guy's unemployed and doesn't appear to be employable, he's going to have to come up with a Plan B. Would he be willing to upskill or do a training course of some sort? Does he accept that he's not exactly a man of action and would he be willing to pull his weight if you give him a push?

QueenBey

Well I love to travel and do have to go alone as he cant afford it. He has upskilled its just Ireland is a difficult place to be given a chance it seems. Applying fro jobs everyday and hearing nothing is very tough to take time and time again.

But true about the ex he may be treating the new girl the same. Even now ten years later I can still hear the comments, why would I even care about a person like that I would be constantly paranoid with someone like him

LegacyUser

You need to remember that your ex was not a nice person.

The real problem here is that you in a relationship for the past 9 years with a man who is lazy, lacks ambition and is short of money. Along with this he does not show you much affection.
He might be glad to have you in his life for the sex and to pay the bills but what are you getting back from him.
I would be thinking long and hard about staying with this man due to this. What future will you have with him? Do you want to get married/buy a home or have children? Think about where you see yourself in 5 or 10 years time.

At this stage I would be having a serious conversation with him about what you want in the future. Unless he starts to make some serious changes I would end things with him.
Unless you value yourself this man will keep using you. You deserve to be with a man who is willing to step up, make long term plans and know that unless he does this you won't stay around.

Stavro Mueller

QueenBey wrote: »

Well I love to travel and do have to go alone as he can't afford it. He has upskilled it's just Ireland is a difficult place to be given a chance it seems. Applying for jobs everyday and hearing nothing is very tough to take time and time again.

That doesn't sound like much fun, does it? This is just one of the ways in which his lack of money is impinging on your life.

Have you considered moving abroad if he can't get work here? As thing stand it sounds like you're both stuck in a rut, albeit in differing ways. The longer your boyfriends stays out of work, the harder it will be for him to find a job and to get used to working again .