Am I selfish for thinking this way?

LegacyUser

Just found out one of my friends is pregnant. I have a few friends but not a lot, and the ones are consider being closer to are pregnant, and I have found myself 80% happy, but 20% annoyed and the 20% is taking over a bit,

because we are in our early 20s and I get it, s**t happens, you don't know when you could become pregnant and it is a blessing if you wanted a baby, but it kinda gets to me that we might not get to hang out as much as we used to.

I mean I only really got to know them two years ago (I have one or two school friends but we meet up with on a rare occasion, so I don't hang out with school mates as much as I used to, and I drifted away from other friends for other reasons) and I thought we could really have great craic together, going out, having fun, meeting other people as well,

but when my 1st mate got pregnant, I found myself keeping my distance. Not only was I in a college far away so I wasn't home much, I didn't want to be that type of mate annoying her for nights out when I was home, since she has a baby to look after. Not only that, she has cousins who are young mums, so I cant help but think she will have loads more in common with them.
Now my other mate is pregnant too, and I don't think Ill see her at all, because she has been obsessed with wanting a baby for ages!


And screw it, I'll openly admit it, I feel selfish about it because I wanted friends who still enjoyed life now, not mothers who could be worrying about their kids or who talks about their kids all then time (god knows, I see enough facebook posts of babies on my page) or too tired or busy to even come to the cinema or meet up for anything. And I feel jealous, because knowing that they have a good support system with their partners and families, wheras I don't think I would ever have that.

I asked my mother was it selfish, but she thinks its natural to feel like that, since we are young and should not be dealing with stuff like this yet, but then again she is old-fashioned and thinks anyone in their early 20s is too young to have a kid.

So am I an immature person to feel like this? It's just that I feel like I am back to square one of meeting new people, and already I am losing contact with the 1st mate.

jopax

No I don't think your immature at all. Now is the time to be enjoying your life.
I think you just need to make some new friends who are on the same wave length as you.
You can still keep in touch with your friends with kids but you are right, it does change things. Just be happy for them & get on with your own life.

Little Lion Woman

Hi OP,

Not to sound patronising but over the years you'll find that many people drift in and out of your life. You'll meet workmates from different jobs, hobbies... It's possible in a few years that people you're friends with now might not be in your life as people drift apart!

So you're not selfish but try focusing on widening your circle. I'd also advise not cutting these friendships off for good. They may not be able to hang out as much now but that won't last forever and I'm sure they'd still value your friendship especially during their pregnancies!

Paddy Cow

The dynamic of your friendship will change but that doesn't spell the end for the friendship. I don't think you are being selfish for feeling the way you do but if by your actions you cut this friend off and only want friends to go out with, then yes, you are being selfish. You can't expect every person you make friends with to want the same things as you. You want to go out and have fun, your friend wanted a baby and from the sounds of it, she was pretty clear about this.

You are in your twenties, not a teenager and sorry to sound harsh but you do come across as a little immature. If all you have to offer in a friendship is great craic at the weekends and not a lot of support when real life happens, then I think you have some more growing up to do.

You shouldn't cut friends off just because they are pregnant/have a baby and you think they won't want to hear from you. Sure they won't be able to go on the lash at the weekend but mothers are still individuals and many find early motherhood very isolating because of attitudes such as yours. Many new mothers find that they only find out who their true friends are after they have given birth, because many of their previous close friends drop them like a hot potato.

LegacyUser

Paddy Cow wrote: »

The dynamic of your friendship will change but that doesn't spell the end for the friendship. I don't think you are being selfish for feeling the way you do but if by your actions you cut this friend off and only want friends to go out with, then yes, you are being selfish. You can't expect every person you make friends with to want the same things as you. You want to go out and have fun, your friend wanted a baby and from the sounds of it, she was pretty clear about this.

You are in your twenties, not a teenager and sorry to sound harsh but you do come across as a little immature. If all you have to offer in a friendship is great craic at the weekends and not a lot of support when real life happens, then I think you have some more growing up to do.

You shouldn't cut friends off just because they are pregnant/have a baby and you think they won't want to hear from you. Sure they won't be able to go on the lash at the weekend but mothers are still individuals and many find early motherhood very isolating because of attitudes such as yours. Many new mothers find that they only find out who their true friends are after they have given birth, because many of their previous close friends drop them like a hot potato.

I am mature enough to know that the whole world does not revolve around me obviously, and like I said in my post, I understand that s**t happens, real life happens, there is nothing you can do to prevent it, and I am HAPPY out that they are happy with their babies.
And I obviously wont cut contact with them either.

R.D. aka MR.D

Paddy Cow wrote: »

You are in your twenties, not a teenager and sorry to sound harsh but you do come across as a little immature. If all you have to offer in a friendship is great craic at the weekends and not a lot of support when real life happens, then I think you have some more growing up to do.

You shouldn't cut friends off just because they are pregnant/have a baby and you think they won't want to hear from you. Sure they won't be able to go on the lash at the weekend but mothers are still individuals and many find early motherhood very isolating because of attitudes such as yours. Many new mothers find that they only find out who their true friends are after they have given birth, because many of their previous close friends drop them like a hot potato.

I agree with this to an extent. You shouldn't cut your friend off just because she had a baby. Try to keep the friendship going but don't feel selfish if you want to end it because you have very little in common.


I literally have nothing in common with my friend (friends since 4yrs old) because she has kids and it's what her life revolves around. It's all she talks about.

People change and motherhood can definitely change some people.

Try and at least you've tried but don't feel guilty because you want to enjoy your social life!

On the other hand, I have a friend with 2 kids and while she was never a 'going out' friend, her main topic of conversation is never her kids. so the friendship hasn't changed at all. So not all mothers change.

begrandx

My own 2 cents here, 2 of my very close friends dropped me fairly rapidly when I had my baby, its like they automatically thought "right well her social life is over, I'm out of here"... they felt like they'd have nothing in common with me so they stopped calling and stopped inviting me places and it hurt like hell.
Not all girls change completely when they have kids. Some do, yes but not all.
I'd say your friend may need you more than you think so keep in touch, she can still have a social life to some extent and she will still need a friend x

Lux23

I totally understand you, but you're going to have to get used to this. It will be a running theme.

Rubberchikken

There's no 'right' age to have a baby. Your friend just happens to be having one in her 20's.
it doesn't mean life stops it just means life changes.
Try to be happy for your friend, she'll have other friends that she'll have things in common with but she'll still be your friend and you have other friends too.

Also, life doesn't always go really smoothly after a child is born so be there for her, she might need all the good friends she has.

Big Bag of Chips

What do you have in common now? Is going out at the weekends the only reason you are friends? You seem to think that just because these girls won't be able to go out, as often, your friendship can't last. If they are just your drinking buddies, then you can always find other drinking buddies and you shouldn't miss their "friendship" too much.

If your friendship is based on something more than just drinking, why do you think that would disappear when kids come along? As someone else mentioned, you are in your 20s. Your friends are going to start settling down and having families, it's what happens. I remember a time when I had a 21st every weekend. Now it's 40ths! Life moves quicker than you think, and just because you are not ready for children doesn't mean your friends aren't.

You are still in party mode. Maybe your friends are already tiring of that and are moving on to the next phase. Nothing wrong with either of you.. Just so long as both sides can respect the other, and if the friendship is worth keeping, keep it!