Why do I get so obsessed?

LegacyUser

I'm 30, female, and have been single my whole life. I know being single isn't the worst the thing in the world but after 30 years, I'd like to know what it's like to have a boyfriend. But it just isn't happening for me. Physically speaking, I think I'm in good shape. I work out up to 4 times a week in the gym, I've a slim figure which people often admire, I dress well and I've been told by men and women that I'm attractive looking. Personality wise, I am quiet and I know it. For years it bothered me being so introverted but it's just who I am. I'm more comfortable talking to people one on one than in big groups and it generally takes a while for me to let people get to know me.

So that's the background. The issue is a pattern I've noticed over the last number of years is regarding my obsessiveness and over-active imagination, especially when I meet a guy I like. For instance, I started working out with a personal trainer in the gym and as the weeks have gone on, I've grown to like him more and more. Apart from the horrible cliché of fancying the good looking guy in the gym, it's as if I've put him on a pedestal and can't stop going over all the reasons he wouldn't want to be with me....I'm too quiet, he must think I've no personality, I'm not even letting him get to know me. I found his twitter and Instagram online and can't help but creep on them. I cringe when I think about it and what he would think if he knew!! He seems to engage with a particular girl a lot which leads me to creeping on her twitter etc and trying to figure out what the relationship is between them. It's ridiculous and I know it . Plus I know I'm just setting myself up for hurt because if I was to find out they were dating or anything like that, it would compound the feelings I have as to why I'm not good enough.

And this isn't the first guy I've done this with. I fancied my ex-boss before and it was pretty much the same stuff. Thinking about him all the time, imagining going out with him, but believing he wouldn't be interested, obsessing over his social media profiles.

I dunno, I just feel at thirty, I shouldn't be acting like this. It's desperate and pathetic. In a way I feel I know the answer, stop looking at twitter and instagram! I feel I should state I deleted my FB account some time ago (because I was constantly comparing myself to what people had online - which logically I always knew wasn't a true representation on their lives). But I still can't shake off this lonely feeling that I have. It seems like relationships come easier to other people. The fact I haven't had one in all my life leads me to believe there must be something wrong with me - I'm the common denominator after all.

Sorry for the long winded post. If anyone has any insights I'd be interested to hear them

Rubberchikken

I definitely don't think there's anything wrong with you, you just haven't met the right guy.
Just relax and be yourself. And maybe a little bit less time on FB etc, cos the real world is even better:)
Take care

LegacyUser

Hey I understand what you mean because that's me sometimes. I've been single for most of my life and that's why I do this I'm sure. I know I'm lonely but stopped noticing because it's with me all the time. I'm also a daydreamer which isn't a good thing to have when you've got a situation like this.

I've had about half a dozen crushes in my life and they all follow the same pattern. I meet a man (usually through work) who is nice to me and is interested in me as a person. I start to fancy them even though there is no chance we'll ever get together. Usually these men are married and don't think of me in that way. That doesn't stop me from imagining what it'd be like to go out with them even though at the same time I would never ever let them know how I feel. Thankfully these crushes go away completely and I've got enough sense not to let them know what I'm thinking. My last crush is someone who started a new relationship while I fancied him. I'm ashamed to say I stalked his social media and his girlfriend's one. I even began to hate his girlfriend even though I never met her.

I'm not much good at meeting men either so I'm afraid I can't give you any good tips on the boyfriend front. Any of the men I've ever gone out with I met through friends. For me pubs and nightclubs never worked but then I was never relaxed in those in the first place. Maybe try other ways to meet men like through hobbies or a sport?

Candy_Girl

I think you might need to work on your self confidence? Have you ever asked any of these men out that you are so infatuated by? They might not be all that at the end of the day, you seem to be over thinking a lot which isn't doing you any favors.

Addle

Just reads like a crush to me.
They're very common!

LegacyUser

I used to be like this OP, wistfully imaging how one day one of the many guys I was currently infatuated with would ask me out and we'd have a whirlwind romance and live happily ever after. I am also quiet and introverted. I think for me personally, I did this because my love life was non existent, I was sitting there waiting for a guy to come whisk me away and magically make my life better, expecting the fairytale romance. Of course that was never going to happen, its not how love or relationships work. I was also scared of putting myself out there and making a fool of myself, it was easier and safer to wait in the shadows in the blind hope that one day the love of my life would find me.

All I achieved from this was wasting years of my life. Life isn't a fairytale, you can't sit there like a helpless forgotten princess and expect prince charming to come along and find you. You absolutely have to be proactive and put yourself out there, make an effort and actually approach men.

I too, and I know this sounds harsh, wallowed in the odd comfort that I couldn't find a relationship because it just came naturally to some but not me, and that there was just something wrong with me. The reality was my eternal single status was largely my own fault. I was just simply being lazy in a sense, being defeatist, allowing myself to be that poor overlooked singleton, I wasn't making any effort, I was just sitting there waiting for men to ask me out...So I began making an effort, I approached guys in clubs, pubs, joined a few dating sites, it was absolutely terrifying, and yeah I made a fool of myself too many times to remember, but you know what, I eventually started getting dates, meeting real life guys, and suddenly I didn't need to create a fantasy in my head about the hot guy at the gym, because I had a real exciting date lined up with the hot guy from the dating site.

There's no magic formula to finding love or a relationship OP, but by the same token, it's not rocket science either, it isn't that it comes easier to some people or that there's something wrong with you, relationships are simply a numbers game and a little bit of luck, if you never roll the dice, how can you possibly expect to find anyone?

Every happy couple you see OP, they didn't magically find each other in some Disney-esque elaborate fate induced meeting, they both put themselves out there, approached people, made utter idiots of themselves, were shot down loads of times, went on lots of dates, some good some awful, were stood up, dissapointed,had their hearts broken, and eventually, they met someone they clicked with. I had so many awful dates I lost count, met some not so nice guys, and met some nice but not for me guys, and eventually after a lot of false starts and dissapointments met someone special.

As for practical advice OP, I know dating sites are not for everyone, but perhaps you should consider joining one? it's an easy way to start putting yourself out there and getting used to chatting up guys until you've built up the courage to approach men in real life. If you genuinely want a relationship you need to start being proactive OP, love doesn't find you, you have to find it.

santana75

Obsessed girl wrote: »

I dunno, I just feel at thirty, I shouldn't be acting like this. It's desperate and pathetic.

That to me is the real issue here: How you see and talk to yourself. Its a pretty harsh thing to call yourself desperate and pathetic. And you probably judge yourself a lot like this, more than likely a lot more than you're aware of.
You gotta be nice to yourself and place value on you otherwise nobody else will. I know thats a cliche but its true. Just assume you're good enough for anyone, if that was true how would you act? You'd probably turn it on around this guy and anyone else youre interested in. Its about placing value on yourself and subsequently switching on your sexuality in their presence. Flirting, not friendly, thats what marks out the difference between seen as sexually neutral person and somebody you'd wanna date/sleep with.

The Friendly Newcomer

OP you actually sound delightful You are in no way desperate or pathetic and stop thinking like that now.
You sound really passionate that I know a lot of guys would find irresistible including myself

I think you need to keep putting yourself out there more and more. Probably more out of your comfort zone.
Join a new club or a group you might like where there are plenty of guys. Try to have more confidence in yourself.

LegacyUser

Hey, thanks a million guys for all the input - it's all very interesting food for thought.

obsessed2 wrote: »

My last crush is someone who started a new relationship while I fancied him. I'm ashamed to say I stalked his social media and his girlfriend's one. I even began to hate his girlfriend even though I never met her.

Your post was a really interesting read as I can totally relate to what you wrote. The feelings you developed towards this girl is something I would also do - feelings which I would be basing purely on my imagination and would have no basis in reality. That's why I'm making a real conscious effort not to look at twitter or FB.

youfindhim wrote: »

I used to be like this OP, wistfully imaging how one day one of the many guys I was currently infatuated with would ask me out and we'd have a whirlwind romance and live happily ever after. I am also quiet and introverted. I think for me personally, I did this because my love life was non existent, I was sitting there waiting for a guy to come whisk me away and magically make my life better, expecting the fairytale romance. Of course that was never going to happen, its not how love or relationships work.

As for practical advice OP, I know dating sites are not for everyone, but perhaps you should consider joining one? it's an easy way to start putting yourself out there and getting used to chatting up guys until you've built up the courage to approach men in real life. If you genuinely want a relationship you need to start being proactive OP, love doesn't find you, you have to find it.

I am currently online dating. I've been on two sites on and for about two years now I'd say. I've met a number of guys off them. I've had mixed results (like most people in those sites I suppose). I met two guys I really liked but they weren't interested in pursuing anything further with me (I asked both of them out on a second date). Conversely, some guys have asked me out on a second date but in all those cases I just wasn't attracted to them in that way. I'm beginning to think its a numbers game but it's an avenue I'm willing to continue perusing for the next while anyway.

The Friendly Newcomer wrote: »

Try to have more confidence in yourself.

santana75 wrote: »

That to me is the real issue here: How you see and talk to yourself. Its a pretty harsh thing to call yourself desperate and pathetic. And you probably judge yourself a lot like this, more than likely a lot more than you're aware of.
You gotta be nice to yourself and place value on you otherwise nobody else will. I know thats a cliche but its true. Just assume you're good enough for anyone, if that was true how would you act?

Both these posts resonated with me and I think ultimately this could be the issue. I suppose my question now is how does one go about improving their self confidence, especially when engaging with new people? I tried googling it and it was stuff like be friendly, think of your positive attributes, think positive thoughts. Which is all fair enough but it's as if I need to learn how to train my mind to do these sorts of things. Is there courses you can do on this sort of stuff, or books I could read?

beks101

I think your problem is rooted in poor self-esteem, which is informing how you see yourself and thusly, the image you are projecting of yourself to the world. It's very hard to convince the world to see you as valuable, of high-worth, appealing and attractive when you think of yourself and your behaviours as 'desperate', 'pathetic', 'too quiet', 'no personality', 'there must be something wrong with me'...gosh! So much negativity for someone so lovely and intelligent and obviously attractive. You need to stop that!

I know it can affect your self esteem to be long-term single and watch the world around you constantly coupling up and it's never you. God knows there are enough threads in this forum alone that will reflect how soul-destroying that can be. But the fact is that you are NOT helping yourself with those negative thoughts about yourself and all this ruminating, over-analyzing why you are single, rationalizing and always coming up with this idea that you are in some way defective - all of those behaviours are likely the very reason why you haven't met the right person yet.

Those behaviours push people away, the reverse of what you're seemingly trying to do - and as long as you think of yourself in that overly negative way, it doesn't matter how much online dating you do, you're still going to be projecting the wrong signals and attracting the wrong sort of attention.

To be blatantly honest, I think deep down you've already taken yourself off the market. I think that's what's at the root of all this day-dreaming and fantasizing and romanticizing with the new crushes in your life. It's a lot easier to get stuck in your head and fixate on the idea of someone than it is to put yourself out there and deal with nerves and rejection and lack of control of the outcome and disappointment and pain and all sorts of uncomfortable feelings that can come with being emotionally available to someone new.

That sort of fear of rejection would be symptomatic of someone with low self confidence. Noone enjoys rejection, but confident people can put it in perspective - ah shur you can't win em all, it's a numbers game, better luck next time, next! etc. Whereas people with poor self esteem will catastrophize - 'it's me, I'm unattractive, undesirable, there's something wrong with me, no way will the next guy be interested...' etc. I think somewhere over the years, that's what you've trained your brain to do, and these crushes and fantasies are a protective way of keeping yourself at a distance.

I think what Santana75 pointed out is very true and an important question to ask yourself - how differently would you act if you were to assume you're good enough for everyone? If the hot guy in the gym or that former boss or the guy before him were completely obtainable and you were working from a starting point of being desirable and attractive and a real catch to these guys?

I think it would change your world to think like that because you so obviously have it deeply ingrained in your head that no-one will want you and everyone is out of reach. Why? You're clearly intelligent, copped on, together, attractive, self-aware, healthy...and yet you immediately set yourself back ten paces in the race with every prospective guy you meet because you assume you don't have a chance.

That's not a default position you can afford if you want someone to notice you. That makes you invisible. That is to be emotionally unavailable.

I think you really need to address how you view yourself because that will directly determine how others view you. If you can see yourself as quiet and not really noteworthy or special in any way or capable of attracting anyone, it's not really going to persuade anyone to take a closer look really, is it?

Would you consider a course of Cognitive Behavioural therapy? That involves de-constructing your thoughts and essentially training yourself to think about things from a more positive perspective. Like anything worthwhile, it takes time and effort, you won't change your thought patterns overnight, but ultimately well worth pursuing as it can really be life changing.

santana75

OP Again wrote: »

Both these posts resonated with me and I think ultimately this could be the issue. I suppose my question now is how does one go about improving their self confidence, especially when engaging with new people? I tried googling it and it was stuff like be friendly, think of your positive attributes, think positive thoughts. Which is all fair enough but it's as if I need to learn how to train my mind to do these sorts of things. Is there courses you can do on this sort of stuff, or books I could read?

I know what you're saying, its not such a straight forward A-B type thing. How do you love yourself? Its literally different for every person, thats why theres no formal list of instructions, you have to figure it out for yourself. The good news is, you can figure it out, all you have to do is make the decision to look out for you and it just happens, decision by decision, every day. Like the way you talk to yourself, if you're aware of it you'll just knock the harsh self talk on the head. There'll be a part of you programmed to give out if you mess up, but all you do is answer that voice back and say, **** off Im doing fine, everybody makes mistakes. It could be looking after your health or placing value on your time more than anybody else. I know that might sound selfish but its actually not.
It really is a journey of self exploration. Its not about some dude in the gym or your boss. Thats just projection. You feel lonely and you imagine if some guy would love you then it'd fill that hole inside.......But I guarantee you that if you got with somebody like trainer it'd be a disaster. You'd be overly invested and he'd end up treating you badly or at the very least using you and taking you for granted. Have you ever stopped to consider the possibility that theres a part of you that doesnt want a relationship because it knows you're not ready or you're at the point where you could be in a healthy relationship, That you gotta get more squared away with yourself first?
There are some good books you could read, nothing specific but just kind of all round self acceptance stuff.......and its all about self acceptance. This is a really good one to get started:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Start-Where-You-Are-yourself/dp/000719062X/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1409236846&sr=1-4&keywords=pema+chodron

Its like the literary equivalent of a warm blanket. Its also a good idea to just talk to men as much as you can, in every situation youre in. And talk like youre friends already. Thats kind of a big thing, dont talk all formal, like its a job interview.
I think dance classes are really good for getting some practice interacting with the opposite sex. Its win - win. You get to learn how to dance and work on your dating skills. If youre in dublin these guys run open classes every Tuesday & Wednesdays:

http://www.boogiebeatswing.com/