Work has left my self-esteem in shreds

LegacyUser

Hello, Im in a bad way at the moment in work. Sorry for long post, ill keep it as relevant as possible:

Im a mid 30 something male in my job now nearly 7 and a half years. From the very first week, there are 2 women there who I just didnt take to at all, they were (are) very bitchy and love to complain about others who are not in their sad little clique. Im talking about grown women pushing 40, too, not little silly girls. Anyway, I was badly bullied in school and it left my confidence in shreds so i was a classic victim and I overheard a few nasty comments about the quality of my work and my personal life (i havent many friends) but i was too shy and meek to say anything back. I noticed after a while the culture there is very bad- gossips seem to thrive and bullying is never dealt with right- the bosses are mates with the bullies so they get away with murder while the shy people have to carry everyone.

Not a great environment but some of the people there were v. nice and I was kind of accepted a bit by them which was ok by me as I dont need to be the most popular person in the workplace but I started having panic attacks 3 years into the job (dreading making mistakes, are people looking at me, talking about me etc) and that calmed me down for a while but the effects wore off and i gained weight as a side effect. leaving me even more depressed. I started counselling a year back to get to the root of my self-esteem and bullying and it has helped a lot with my mindset but it has made me very angry (normal, my couseller, as old feelings are purged) and Im prone to a few outbursts, sometimes even to my boss in work! I just feel so resentful towards the people in school who treated me bad for absolutely no reason, and the people in work who can just swan in every day, b!tch about others and yet have husbands and wives and kids. I mean, who on earth would be attracted to such people? Lots, it seems!

Now Im in a place where I have just 100% given up on people out there, bar one other co worker who sometimes pops into my office and we have a chat about general things. I get no chats, no invites to parties or occasions etc. The rest of them barely salute me anymore and I know I have a bad rep in there but I cant see a way out. You may say leave the job, and it probably is time for a change, but im in such a bad way mentally that I have lost all confidence in myself and this would show in interviews, when joining new groups etc (Im too wary to meet new people in case they are horrible) but I know if I want change, I must be the one to change, but it seems such a massive massive mountain to conquer that I dont even know where to start. Plus I have 2 very large bills that Im paying off and the money is very good.

I just need to get to a stage where im happy with myself then Ill have the confidence to move on or make a decision and trust it. Any help? Thanks for reading!

Rubberchikken

Sorry you have to experience such garbage behaviour from adults who should have more cop on.
I agree, it's hard to understand how people like this end up with loved ones and families!

But fir your own sake you need to learn to ignore these types of people and concentrate on getting your life back.
Loads of things starting in sept like night classes etc, so would you be willing to take up something new and make some new friends?
Good luck

LegacyUser

Where you work sounds exactly like the last place I worked in and my only advice to you is to leave as soon as you can.

I was always confident in previous jobs but the gossiping & bullying that went on in my last job eroded nearly every shred of my personality. The best thing I ever did was find a new job & leave. I am in my new job a few months now and it is so different and I am a new person again. I'm not saying everyone is lovely and it's all happiness 100% of the time, but it's normal work life.

I know you say you don't have the confidence to leave & start somewhere new, but you should start applying for some jobs and going for interviews to get experience of interviews and to build your confidence doing them. You will probably have some bad ones but keep trying & eventually you will get better at them & find a new job. I cannot stress enough how important it is to leave your current job as it will wear you down completely if you stay there for much longer.

santana75

Have you ever read "No more Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover? You should read it, as a matter of urgency. Its a great book.