Am I too needy in this relationship?

LegacyUser

Hi, I'm basically having a small issue I could use some advice on.

I've been seeing my partner for just under 2 years. And I know it's a cliché but things are usually good between us. However he's away at the moment and that's when the problems start, for me at least.

I'm Irish and he's from abroad. And whenever he goes home I feel like he just cuts off communication. In the earlier days of our relationship I tried to get over it, as things were new and he only gets to see his family a few times a year. However since March of this year we moved in together and we spend a lot more of our time together. Even on the days when we wouldn't see each other, we'd send an odd text once or twice to say hi.

However whenever he goes home he just goes radio silent on me. Like it could be three or four days between texts, with no call or skype, nothing. I get that he's home for just a little time out of the year and he does be very busy, but it makes me feel really unimportant and neglected.

Last time he was home was Christmas and when he got back I told him how much his lack of contact upset me, and he admitted that he did have the time to text or ring me and that he'd use it better this time. And for the first 2 days I got a text in the morning which was nice. But now I haven't heard from him since Thursday and it's just all very upsetting.

I guess I just need some advice on how to deal with this? It's just upsetting me, and I feel like I'm over reacting. Like logically I know that he's home and he's busy, but emotionally I just feel so unimportant. Should I talk to him again about it, or just try to get over it?

Thanks, and sorry if I'm coming across as too needy, but maybe hearing that I am will help.

Pawpad666

I think it's bad form. It would only take 5 seconds to send one quick text a day to say hi.

m'lady

Have you been to his home country and met his family OP?

CaraMay

It's very bad form

ilovecakes

I don't think you're being needy at all - you haven't heard from him since Thursday?! I'd be pretty annoyed too and wondering why he wasn't making an effort to even send a txt, especially as he know it upsets you. Is he very busy when he goes home, or is it just laziness? How is your relationship otherwise?

nc19

Sounds like he might have a second family back there...................

strobe

Are you just waiting for him to call or text? Why not ring him?

LegacyUser

Hi Op here,

To answer some of the questions raised.

Yes I have met his family. I went home with him last summer and I met them all there. And his mother has been to Ireland twice and his brother just a few weeks ago. I've even met his grandfather, so I'm convinced he doesn't have a second family. I was even invited again this year, but unfortunately I had a project deadline in work and couldn't afford the time away.

Yes he is very busy when he gets home. He's a very sociable person with a large group of friends. And he's out every evening and always doing something. I do think it might be a touch of laziness, or just a lack of thought on his part, which is what upsets me. Like I know he goes out almost every night, so I don't expect an evening text, but I think he should have time in the mornings.

Otherwise our relationship is good. When we're here together, we can communicate no problem, and we have a great time together. I'm not going to lie and say we're always 100% perfect, cause like most people we have silly fights, but they are always resolved quickly. He's a very affectionate guy and will always say that he loves me, and that I mean a lot to him. It's just like when he's away he forgets about me if that makes sense?

To be fair, I should ring him. It's just when you get 4 or 5 texts ignored it gets a bit demotivating to ring. And now I'm being stubbornly stupid and waiting for him to make the first move, which I know is not what a relationship should be. I'll make contact tonight.

Ineeddollars

Op, you are not needy. Call him and tell him exactly how you feel. After being together for 2 years, you should be able to tell him how you feel and what you prefer in term of communication when he is away.

Buona Fortuna

OP, just to echo everyone else I don't think you're being needy or unreasonable.

Just clarify one thing. Where he goes home to, is there any problem with phone coverage, internet etc?

Is he thoughtless or covering his tracks?

Emme

OP, you are not being unreasonable or needy. Some questions to consider:

Have you been to your boyfriend's home country with or without him?

Has he taken you on a visit home with him and have you met his family?

Does he talk much about his family to you?

If the answer to the above questions are "no" I would ask him if you can come on a visit with him. With technology today there are very few excuses for not keeping in touch unless he is from somewhere very primitive which I doubt. There is no reason why he cannot call you, text you or even skype you.

Have you tried calling him when he is abroad? Do you have a number for him when he is abroad?

If he doesn't answer or you don't have a number for him when he is abroad then you should think seriously about your relationship and whether he is as serious about it as you are.

Ande1975

Ok I am going to go against the herd here.
OP, I am not saying you are needy but I know whenever I have been in relationships and I came home for a visit - I got so caught up with 'being' at home that I would (unintentionally) forget I have another life.
It sounds like your partner comes from a very loving environment and that takes over when he is there.
He is not cheating or anything - he just loves being at home but also loves you more.

dellas1979

ilovecakes wrote: »

you haven't heard from him since Thursday?!

OP I think this is quite odd behaviour from someone you are in a relationship/live with. 5 days. And he knows how you feel about it. And you've texted him with no reply?

Playing devils advocate here, but are you sure all is as rosy in the garden as you think it is?

Candy_Girl

It doesn't take much time to send a text no matter how busy you are. Does he know how much his silence/lack of contact really bothers you? have you had a good chat about it?

LegacyUser

Hi OP back again,

I don't think he's cheating or anything. I think it's just like Ande1975 says, he gets so caught up at home that he forgets to text. I rang him last night just to chat and to try to sort things out.

He was happy to hear from me and even though he was out with friends he went outside to chat to me. I told him that I was feeling so unhappy and that I wanted more contact, not overly much but just a text or so a day. He just a bit annoyed as he said that he's been texting more than the last times. Which is true. Though I decided to be really honest and say that even though it's much more than the previous times, it still wasn't enough for my liking, and that I don't like being ignored all weekend. I forgot to mention earlier, that it was a busy weekend for him as he had a big family barbecue on Friday and a wedding on Saturday. So I wasn't expecting much contact, just something.

So he skyped with me today, and we have another one arranged for Monday. And he said that he'd try to remember to text me more often. And he said that I should call too when I want to hear from him. Which I'll try to do more, it's just sometimes I like to feel that he would make the effort too. Which I know is just pettiness on my part.

Thanks for all the advice here. I think I just needed a bit of a push as I felt like I was making a big deal out of something that wasn't an issue. But I'm glad that I've spoken to him now, as things feel a bit better.

CaraMay

It's not petty to want your partner to remember you. So is he saying he doesn't text you because he doesn't think of you?!?!? Surely if he thought of you he would want to touch base.

Big deal that he was happy to hear from you and stepped outside to take the call... Op you need to raise your standards here.

Barely There

Lonely_girl wrote: »

I guess I just need some advice on how to deal with this?

While this might sound harsh, I would say 'get over yourself'.

He obviously doesn't get to see his family that often and you sound incredibly petty to be expecting him to be in contact with you every day when he does go home.

I would find your attitude to be needy, self-centred and highly unattractive if I was your partner.

Why don't you occupy your time with some of your own interests while he is away? You would probably find that you're spending less time obsessing with why he hasn't texted you.

Emme

Barely There wrote: »

While this might sound harsh, I would say 'get over yourself'.

He obviously doesn't get to see his family that often and you sound incredibly petty to be expecting him to be in contact with you every day when he does go home.

I would find your attitude to be needy, self-centred and highly unattractive if I was your partner.

Why don't you occupy your time with some of your own interests while he is away? You would probably find that you're spending less time obsessing with why he hasn't texted you.

This is harsh. Perhaps the OP's partner does get caught up with family, friends etc. when he is over there but one or two texts a day to his live-in partner isn't an unreasonable expectation.

I am assuming the OP hasn't visited her boyfriend's home country or met his family and he hasn't asked her over there. In this situation I would be very suspicious if he didn't contact me while he was over there.

If he has asked the OP to come over with him and she hasn't then she should consider going over with him next time.

Anyway, her boyfriend is skyping and keeping in contact so hopefully all will be well.

elefant

Emme wrote: »

This is harsh. Perhaps the OP's partner does get caught up with family, friends etc. when he is over there but one or two texts a day to his live-in partner isn't an unreasonable expectation.

I am assuming the OP hasn't visited her boyfriend's home country or met his family and he hasn't asked her over there. In this situation I would be very suspicious if he didn't contact me while he was over there.

If he has asked the OP to come over with him and she hasn't then she should consider going over with him next time.

Anyway, her boyfriend is skyping and keeping in contact so hopefully all will be well.

She has already confirmed she has been over and met his family a number of times.

ManOfMystery

I agree with Elefant's view on things. You and your partner live together 7 days a week, so it's not like you have very limited time with him. He only goes home a few times a year - so what if he doesn't get in touch for a few days? He still spends the vast majority of his time living with you. IMO it's all a bit needy. You know where he is, you know what he's doing, you know he only has a few days to catch up with family and friends and it will be months before he sees them again.

I'm not saying a text to say hi wouldn't be out of place, but calls and Skyping is a bit much when he's trying to make the most of his limited time there.

LegacyUser

Barely There wrote: »

While this might sound harsh, I would say 'get over yourself'.

He obviously doesn't get to see his family that often and you sound incredibly petty to be expecting him to be in contact with you every day when he does go home.

I would find your attitude to be needy, self-centred and highly unattractive if I was your partner.

Why don't you occupy your time with some of your own interests while he is away? You would probably find that you're spending less time obsessing with why he hasn't texted you.

I don't think she's being needy at all. I'm in a similar situation as the OP, though the roles are somewhat reversed. I'm American, living in Ireland with my partner (who is from Kerry). I generally make it home twice per year for anywhere up to 10 days, so a really limited amount of time. While I'm there, I do try to make the most of it and I am generally very busy but I'm also always thinking about my partner. I try to send a quick text, even if it's just before I go to sleep (middle of the night in Ireland) just to say that I was thinking about her and I miss her. It takes me all of 10 seconds and I know it makes my partner happy when she wakes up. If she texts me during the day and I don't have time to respond, I'll put a reminder in my phone for after dinner/before bed so that I will remember to text her back. I don't think the OP is being needy asking for their partner to contact them more than once a week while he's away!

maria34

He could have texted u back after five texts!!! Like dont worry im ok or something like this. If he has no time then sure he is going to bed at some stage and could text u before sleep. Id be worried too, would think he ended up in a carcrash etc

Buona Fortuna

In my last job there was a bit of an altercation, police and ambulance - you get the picture I'm sure.

I still txt'd my wife from the ambulance to say "Things went a little awry. I'll be late. I'm OK, call when I can".

I probably worried the Dickenns out of her because she knew what the job was but it was the best I could do at the time and I thought it was better to get that than unobtainable/ no one knows/ voicemail.

DukeOfTheSharp

When someone's response to your dislike of their lack of contact is 'I text more than last time', and from what I'm reading, last time was none, then you really have to consider that he's got a whole different concept of the relationship to you. Basically, he's saying 'I'm doing the bare minimum, more than nothing, give me some credit'. You keep saying he's 'busy'...going out every night while he's at home isn't 'busy', he's out with his friends, and you're not asking for much here bar a few texts. You're not asking him to drop everything and take an hour to call you, it's a simple, quick method of making contact and he seems pretty put out that his 'efforts' aren't being rewarded. When he comes back, consider sitting him down and telling him, as firmly as possible, that doing the bare minimum won't fly, that you're not asking for much, and that him getting annoyed over your concerns (that shouldn't be there because texting is so easy) isn't on. You've been more than understanding and hes not met you halfway at all.

Maguined

I would not be happy to be in a relationship where there was a requirement for me to text every single day. I view someone being unhappy if they do not receive daily communication from their partner as being needy. I want to feel like my presence in a relationship compliments their life rather than being a crux they require to be happy and are incapable of maintaining their own happiness in my absence.

There is no right or wrong in these situations only personal preferences. Your partner would prefer if he can visit his family without there being a requirement to communicate to you daily. You would prefer daily communication. Neither is right or wrong but a compromise will need to be made in order to make both sides happy.

Pippy1976

Loney_girl wrote: »

he said that he'd try to remember to text me more often.

WHAT?? A partner of two years that you're also living with should not 'try to remember' to text you more often. They should just 'know' to text you.

TRY TO REMEMBER?? Seriously? I actually can't believe that, sorry.

CaraMay

Pippy1976 wrote: »

WHAT?? A partner of two years that you're also living with should not 'try to remember' to text you more often. They should just 'know' to text you.

TRY TO REMEMBER?? Seriously? I actually can't believe that, sorry.

I agree. It's very very strange. I know if I don't see my partner, I like to touch base and say hi especially if it's a protracted separation. I would WANT to hear from them. Why doesn't he?

Sounds like he isn't as invested as the op and / or thinks he has a hall pass.

Tramps Like Us

To be honest, it would wreck my head if I was under orders to text every day (as if it would just be a text on "Hi" and sin é!) when I went home for a week. Why can't you just leave him alone for the week or so that he's home and catch up with him when he gets back? Its not as if he's gone for a few months. What do you need to talk to him so urgently about that cant wait a few days? Stop putting a sour taste on his trip home to see his family. If you want to put him and his family especially off you you are going about it the right way. Does he text his parents, siblings etc every day when he's with you?

LegacyUser

Ande1975 wrote: »

Ok I am going to go against the herd here.
OP, I am not saying you are needy but I know whenever I have been in relationships and I came home for a visit - I got so caught up with 'being' at home that I would (unintentionally) forget I have another life.
It sounds like your partner comes from a very loving environment and that takes over when he is there.
He is not cheating or anything - he just loves being at home but also loves you more.

+ 1 I have to go against the majority as well, I think needy is to strong a word but just you and your OH place different values on some things. I'm not someone who texts or emails or sends postcards of any that. No one in my family is in the habit of calling or texting especially when on holidays so it's just what I grew up with and am use to. I've gone traveling for months and only sent the odd 1 line email so my folks knew I was still alive, I just always preferred waiting till I got home to talk in person.

When I lived overseas and would come back to Ireland for Xmas and the like I wouldn't be texting my now husband then boyfriend all that much if at all, it's just not something I do as there would so much family stuff on and I like the idea of traveling a distance and being separated and getting excited to see that person again after being away, I'm such a sucker for big airport reunions and I find that feeling diminished if I call or text them while away. I get it's a big thing for some people, I had a friend come stay who rang their BF several times a day which I just thought was nuts. I get you talked to him and maybe he should make an effort if it upsets you this much but I'll be honest and say I can't relate to why people get so worked up over these issues and maybe he also just doesn't think it's that big of a deal. The instant jump by some to cheating or secret families I just find daft, why does it always have to be some big conspiracy and not just someone who doesn't prioritise texting.

CaraMay

Why is it 'nuts' to want to talk to the person you love when you are away from them ?!?!?

Big Bag of Chips

I think you're both a little at fault here. He should probably make more of an effort to keep in touch, but I think it was really bad form of you to tell him how annoyed and upset you are at him when he's on a night out. Honestly, if I was gone away on holidays, meeting up with family I don't see very often, out enjoying my night, and my husband rang and started at that down the phone then it would really annoy me. There's a time and a place for that conversation, and him having to step out of wherever he was on a night out isn't the time or place.

I do think he should be able to send you the odd text, but I don't know if I agree it should be everyday. Maybe if you haven't been in touch one day, a quick call the next day should be ok. But I think getting into how upset and disappointed you are when he's out with his friends is bad form. It certainly would annoy me, and wouldn't make me all that excited about the next time we spoke. That was a conversation that should have waited until he got home.

diveout

Pippy1976 wrote: »

WHAT?? A partner of two years that you're also living with should not 'try to remember' to text you more often. They should just 'know' to text you.

TRY TO REMEMBER?? Seriously? I actually can't believe that, sorry.

It depends on the individual's relationship with their phone. Some people need to be sugically seperated from their phones and others stick them in a drawer and forget about them for days.

I personally HATE texting. Ignore them regularly.

CaraMay

diveout wrote: »

It depends on the individual's relationship with their phone. Some people need to be sugically seperated from their phones and others stick them in a drawer and forget about them for days.

I personally HATE texting. Ignore them regularly.

But would you not miss the person you live with and want to say hi and see how they are? It's a 5 second text

diveout

CaraMay wrote: »

But would you not miss the person you live with and want to say hi and see how they are? It's a 5 second text

Me? Probably not. But when I am in relationship I like relationship vacations.

Edit to add: Geographic distance brings psychological distance.

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

Why is it 'nuts' to want to talk to the person you love when you are away from them ?!?!?

If you read the post again the person I described as nuts called their OH 7 times a day for a five day trip (spending over 150euro on international phone cards)...good morning and good night calls and then calls from every tourist attraction I took him to so he could describe it to them and if they didn't answer the phone he would ring and ring until they did....that is an extreme example which I described as nuts!

Different strokes and all but this notion that it's proof of love or lack of love if you do or don't text/call someone when away from them is wrong. Some people like to text and or call, others don't it doesn't mean they love each other more or less. My husband just got back from a weeks hiking with his brother. They are very close but don't get to see each other much so they go away for a week hiking/biking once a year just the two of them. I didn't hear from him the whole time but I wasn't worried nor upset or see it as a sign he didn't love me, I knew if there was an issue they would contact me and I knew it was important for him to spend time with his brother. Like diveout said Geographic distance brings psychological distance and I for one find it healthy to spend time apart and, for me at least, it makes the time you are together better. I love coming back from a trip and doing the big hug at the airport and then spending a lovely evening catching up.

I get it's a big deal for some but the OP and some others on this thread should also respect that for others its not seen as an important indication of someones love for another person and maybe rather then stressing about it OP you should see the time apart as 'me time', treat yourself to a lazy night in with a film and take away or a girls night out, see as time to get caught up on stuff you need to do or time to catch up with your own family and friends and enjoy the build up of anticipation to when your OH gets home.

People can a be a little to attached to their phones/facebook/internet/etc For my work last year I spent 6 weeks at sea with no phone, no internet, no contact to land outside of the ships radio which was for emergencies, we got a 10mins morning recap of the major news stories via the radio and that was it and it was wonderful

FurBabyMomma

At this point I think you should leave it be as it's clear he hasn't meant to hurt you but you obviously have different views on the importance of staying in touch.

Have a sit down chat with him BEFORE he goes away the next time so he's perfectly clear on your feelings. In my case, if my husband is away we have a rule that he texts me to say goodnight. That way I'm happy as I know he's alive and well so I can go to sleep in peace and equally he can go about his trip without a nagging wife on his back by taking 5 seconds to check in. I love and trust my husband so I don't need to hear from him all the time, but when someone is away you can't help but feel (illogically) that something will happen so it's nice that he understands just one little text is all it takes to put my mind at ease.

Idle Passerby

I don't think your being needy per say. You enjoy hearing from your partner regularly when he's away, nothing wrong with that but he's obviously different and I'd be similar.

When I'm with people, especially if I rarely see them, I want to be present with them, not with my mind back at home with someone who I see all the time. I would personally find it a bit of a chore to be expected text someone every day and it certainly would not inspire me to want to stay in touch if that person was texting me several times every day. I would see that as them having little to do/looking for attention.

When Im on holidays etc. I would generally send a text to say Ive arrived safe to anyone that might worry about that kind of thing. I would not text or call friends or family at all unless I was away for more than 2 weeks. If I was away from a partner I'd consider it plenty to drop a line once every 2 or three days. The reason being, Im away, let me get on with whatever Im doing and I'll be home soon and be all your again then. Its just a short time, let him enjoy it without feeling obligated to be in touch with you every day.

osarusan

Knowing that it annoys you, he could make more of an effort - no matter how busy he is, one or two texts a day isn't going to take more than a few seconds.

But it's nothing to get too worried about in my opinion. He's with family and friends he sees rarely, so I'd guess his days are pretty full.

Certainly, after you complained on the phone to him, there might now be a situation where when you receive a nice text/call from your OH, you will be wondering if he really wanted to send that text/make that call, or is just keeping you happy.

ManOfMystery

CaraMay wrote: »

But would you not miss the person you live with and want to say hi and see how they are? It's a 5 second text

It makes you wonder how couples survived back in the 40s, 50s, 60s and so on when there were no mobile phones, no texts, no emails, no social media, etc. And all they had was either a letter which took days to come, or a phone call if they happened to be anywhere near a landline.

In this day and age of instant communication, it seems that some people can't survive without at least a daily update from their partner. Personally it would drive me insane. If I'm away for a few days and we don't chat, it just means we have even more to catch up on when we meet up again.

LegacyUser

ManOfMystery wrote: »

It makes you wonder how couples survived back in the 40s, 50s, 60s and so on when there were no mobile phones, no texts, no emails, no social media, etc. And all they had was either a letter which took days to come, or a phone call if they happened to be anywhere near a landline.

+ 1 My dad was in the army and would be away for months on end (the longest being nearly 18 months) and we managed fine with a weekly phone call and that wasn't always guaranteed and letters.

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Personally it would drive me insane. If I'm away for a few days and we don't chat, it just means we have even more to catch up on when we meet up again.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. One of my favorite parts of traveling is coming home and getting caught up on whats been going on and telling them what I got up to.

diveout

ManOfMystery wrote: »

It makes you wonder how couples survived back in the 40s, 50s, 60s and so on when there were no mobile phones, no texts, no emails, no social media, etc. And all they had was either a letter which took days to come, or a phone call if they happened to be anywhere near a landline.

In this day and age of instant communication, it seems that some people can't survive without at least a daily update from their partner. Personally it would drive me insane. If I'm away for a few days and we don't chat, it just means we have even more to catch up on when we meet up again.

Relationships have changed. This is how people relate now...refracted through technology.

Pippy1976

diveout wrote: »

It depends on the individual's relationship with their phone. Some people need to be sugically seperated from their phones and others stick them in a drawer and forget about them for days.

I personally HATE texting. Ignore them regularly.

It wasn't the reference to the piece of technology to contact his partner I was aghast at. It was the 'try to remember' part of the comment I was referring to.

Who needs to 'remember' to contact their partner whether they're in 1944 with only access to a phone or 2014 with access to a mobile, internet, skype and all the other various ways to contact people.

Scandalous.

I do like frequent contact.... But when you're off somewhere else catching up with people, constantly socialising to catch up in limited time, out with friends - it's pretty easy for time to fly by. I can certainly understand dropping contact a bit. And i think when they live together the rest of the year, insisting on a skype session just because they're away for a few days or so is really excessive.
I'd say drop the contact and get on with life and catch up with him when he's back.
And if you do want to compromise on the occasional "am still alive" text then the time to discuss that is after he's home and settled back in. Not having a go when he's on a night out with his friends.