Don’t Want To Regret/Wonder About This Situation Forever.

LegacyUser

cailinbronach wrote: »

Dear hot man who works in the same building,

I'm going soon. I've never known if the whole awkward tension and small talk and little moments between us mean you fancy me as badly as I do you, or you just think I'm socially inept (true with men my own age for some reason, and ten times more so when it's someone I'm attracted to).

I wish something could happen so I don't wonder forever. But I guess deep down I know that if you were interested, you'd have made a move by now.

I posted the above over on the “Things you wish you could say to X” type thread in the Ladies’ Lounge a few weeks ago. I’ll try to keep this addendum brief.

A quick bit of context. This man and I worked in the same organisation but in different departments. We would have intermittent work related exchanges now and again but mainly our interactions would have been when running into each other around the building.

The first time I properly talked to him was at a night out last September (I know, a year ago......) after he returned from traveling. I would have known him to see but we’d never chatted. I burnt his ear off as I was a bit tipsy but he was very engaged and animated in our conversation, we got on really well, or so I remembered it, and I was very attracted to him. Anyway, lost him after my friends and I went to the bar, where we then consumed far too much wine and I ended up home early enough. I was told the next day by a “friend” that I had been really pissing him off, spoke to him for far too long and that he essentially asked them to get me to FO. I was so embarrassed that I could not interact with him normally after this. I’m sure going from a motormouth to robotic, socially inept ice maiden (from shame that I’d annoyed him so much, rather than him telling me to FO) overnight was extremely baffling for him. I was gradually able to show snippets of myself around him about work over time and more so recently, but this always lingered.

I left last Friday and I only learnt recently that I had been lied to about the above scenario. Apparently, according to several other colleagues, the friend who allowed me to believe that I’d irritated this guy so much had in actual fact tried to physically intervene in our conversation multiple times and kept apologizing to him for my being annoying, to which this guy got quite annoyed at her and insisted I was fine and to leave me be.

In the intermittent months, there has been a sort of tension between us which I’ve never been able to fully interpret. There were always a lot of glances. I know I messed up by shrinking into a shell straight away after what I thought I’d done that night. I’m a shy person anyway and he seems quite so too. He would, however, always make an effort to pursue conversation with me and other small things which he wouldn’t with other women who worked in the same/similar roles to me. I mean, he was always polite enough to them, but several of my friends in this workplace would have commented that he never made any effort to really chat to them at all, maybe just “Hi” to a couple even. They would have said they often noticed him going out of his way for me in ways he wouldn’t for others. Maybe that’s me trying to attach significance to nothing, but in general I would never even dare to think someone fancied me so I’m not being egotistical when I say any of that.

I left on Friday and I was only made privy to the fact that he didn’t tell me to FO that night a couple of days before leaving. When I had mentioned to him I was leaving, he was quite anxious to know when, what my plans were, etc. I was then off for a while as I had holidays I was obliged to take and then didn’t see him really much at all in the week or so before I left. I had really wanted to just blurt it out and say “It wasn’t that I didn’t want to talk to you, I just felt like a feckin’ eejit and I couldn’t”.

On Friday, he apparently called to the department I worked in when I wasn’t there looking for me. He left a card from his department, but there would have been no reason one of the other thirty plus guys working there couldn’t have dropped it and he isn’t the sort of guy who would be rushing to volunteer to deliver the post about the place. I’m also pretty sure it’s solely his writing in it, though I cannot be certain.

So, I sent him a message on Facebook that evening which simply said “Hi X, Thanks so much to you and the other boys for your lovely card and wishes. Really sorry to have missed you. (My name)” along with a friend request. The message was “Seen” ten minutes later. He has yet to respond to it or the friend request.

I’m very confused and, I won’t lie, hurt by this. Even if he is not interested in me more than platonically, surely he came to wish me some sort of good luck under the guise of being a messenger with a card? Was my message either too ambiguous/too forward?! I thought it was enough at least to elicit a response.

I am seeking opinions as to the reasoning behind this? Is it game playing, “make her wait five days” type crap? He didn’t strike me as that kind. But also advice; I have kind of pretty much decided that, if I’ve heard nothing in a couple more days, to just come clean and say I’d wanted to tell him what I’d found out before I left and how the way I’d been around him had stemmed from a misbelief. I don’t want to think “what if” forever. It will always bother me. Nothing to lose, right?

I’m sorry for the tangential nature of this post and how it doesn’t really give a full feeling for the situation. I really appreciate any input. Thanks in advance.

Hi OP
The message you sent to him there sounds pretty formal and generic to be honest. If he does like you he might have been a bit disappointed and figuring it's time to let it go.

I think at this stage you've nothing to lose by explaining exactly what happened. It could be too late by now but you might as well get it out there.

LegacyUser

bluewolf wrote: »

Hi OP
The message you sent to him there sounds pretty formal and generic to be honest. If he does like you he might have been a bit disappointed and figuring it's time to let it go.

I think at this stage you've nothing to lose by explaining exactly what happened. It could be too late by now but you might as well get it out there.

Oh crap. I just didn't want to come off really strong. What should I say?

Thanks for the honesty! I blew it!

Get his number or meet him in person and just "blurt it out" like you wanted to before. Explain you've been awkward because you did like him and thought you'd made an eejit of yourself and would he like to go for another drink sometime and that this time it might go better?

ps you didn't blow it, I just don't think that message you sent would necessarily require a response

dellas1979

cailinbronach wrote: »

Oh crap. I just didn't want to come off really strong. What should I say?

Thanks for the honesty! I blew it!

Ah now. How did you go from a polite message that you sent to blowing it. If you'd said something along the lines of "Thanks for droppin off a card ya big weirdo" thats blowing it. What you said was perfectly polite and shows you are interested in him.

Settle a bit. The man has fingers (and a mouth) and if he wants contact, he'll be in contact.

LegacyUser

Sadly this isn't an option cos I don't know anyone with his number (different departments, wouldn't really have known others in his department and vice versa no one in mine would have had his number).

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice, all. Maybe the message wasn't as effusive as it could be but, you're right, sasha, I still made a point of sending it and adding him (I guess it's the double sting of that that has me a bit more upset; he saw the message so he has seen and left the request pending.....I don't get that at all). From apparently coming to say bye to blanking that?

Is the general consensus that I should wait a few days and see if he responds and then send another message? Do I say something like that when I said sorry I missed you it was because I wanted to say something? I assume I shouldn't allude at all to the fact that he's ignored me if he still hasn't responded to my request or message at that point?

Rubberchikken

Even before i'd read the first paragraph of your op i knew you'd been lied to!
What a horrible thing for someone to do. This guy sounds like he likes you.
Coukd you contact him and tell him exactly what happened? What do you have to lose?
Good luck

FTroydon

Any chance he has a girlfriend? It could explain why he didn't accept your Facebook friend request.
I wouldn't advise sending another message if he doesn't reply to the first one.
One thing I've learnt over the years is that if a man is interested he will get in touch....and if he doesn't it's because he isn't interested.

It is easy to overthink things and come up with reasons for why he hasn't replied...but if he really wanted to reply he would have.

njs030

I have to agree with the previous poster I'm afraid.

If he was interested in you he'd have replied fairly quickly or at least accepted your friend request. The fact he's ignored both says he doesn't want contact with you.
You've made an effort, I think you should leave it at that, any more contact looks like desperation. Why would you send a second message when he doesn't want to continue a conversation you've tried to start.

Personally I say leave it....sorry op.

cactusgal

Have to agree with the last two posters, sorry op. If he was interested, he would have been in touch a year ago. I definitely wouldn't contact him again. Sorry

Merkin

I think you may be attaching a little too much significance to a drunken conversation which took place a year ago. In fact I fear were you to now go into a convoluted explanation as to what happened (from your perspective) he may not have any idea what you're talking about. If he's interested he will accept your friend request and be really anxious to keep in touch/see you again. If he doesn't do this then he's not interested and I certainly wouldn't message him a second time .

Dark Phoenix

Merkin has given you some brilliant advice OP.

You seem very overinvested and intense about a guy that you have known a year through work and once had a half drunk conversation with that you seem to be way over thinking. Yeah, the third party who lied to you about him wanting you to go away was horrible but learn from that because unless you hear something from the person yourself it might not be true.

Since that incident though he has had many opportunities to talk to you / approach you / ask you out and he hasn't. You have messaged him on FB, the ball is in his court. If he was in any way interested he will respond. I'd strongly suggest not to write back with another message as it might just come across desperate and you are worth more than to be chasing someone that has chosen to ignore a message they were sent and saw

Mr. Incognito

Dear Xyz,

Thanks for dropping off the card. I can't thank everyone personally but I can at least take the messenger out for coffee

You free any day this week.

Chattastrophe!

I'm on the fence about this one ... on the one hand, I'd be thinking that if he had any interest, surely he'd have messaged back. Then again, maybe he was on his phone, and wanted to wait to get to a computer before accepting your friend request so that he could send you a proper reply? I know I'm terrible for reading messages on my phone when out and about and then promptly forgetting about them. Then again, if he was interested, he wouldn't have forgotten about it so quickly ...

You also need to consider if your "friend" has been feeding him lies about you as well? I'm guessing she's interested in him herself (or else has some sort of a grudge against you), either way I wouldn't be surprised if she's been having words with him as well, who knows what she might have told him. And this might be why he's not replying.

I can't see what you have to lose by sending a follow-up message, either via Facebook or straight to his work e-mail. Basically just along the lines of hi, how are things, I'd love for the two of us to go for a drink sometime. Let me know if you're interested. He might ignore it, or say he's not interested, but at least you're leaving no room for ambiguity. It might sting a little if he declines, but at least then you'll know and won't be left wondering forever. And you're not working there any more, so you don't have to worry about the awkwardness of constantly bumping into him afterwards.

That's what I'd do anyways, but then again I'm a bit brazen about that sort of thing. I've never regretted being that way in the past, though, it's always worked out well for me so far in life!

Sun in Capri

Mr Incognito,

You have hit the nail on the head. Sure what is there to loose OP. You are clearly very interested in this guy. Ask him for a coffee in an email, as you don't have his number. If he replies and agrees terrific. If he repies and says no thanks or doesn't reply, move on. Life is short and we can imagine all sorts of fantastic stuff in our heads that is extremely differerent to what the real situation is.

LegacyUser

Thanks, everyone. You’ve all made me realise how pathetic I’ve been about all this! I hadn’t quite realised the biblical length of my first post, there, haha; it perhaps makes me come across slightly fanatical about the poor guy. I do think he’s really hot and has always seemed very gentlemanly and interesting and I’d like to know him better as a person, but I honestly haven’t spent the year agonising and pining over him or hiding behind bushes. I’ve just felt awkward and embarrassed to even get properly chatty with him as a pal until lately.

Maybe he doesn’t have the slightest interest in me sexually. Fair enough, I’ve been there plenty of times before and I’m lucky in that I’m the kind of person that, once I actually know, I’m like “Grand, that’s that” and never think about it again.

I do still find it weird and rather contradictory that he’d asked me a few times what day I was leaving in the lead up to it, came up looking for me before leaving the card and then ignored my message and friend request. I’d find that very odd and rude if anyone did that. Like, why have bothered, then? Anyway, thanks for all the opinions, guys. I just feel like a bloody eejit for having even sent him the message now.

ifElseThen

Is he on your friend list on Facebook? If not then your message will have gone to the 'Other' folder and this isn't immediately obvious when he logs in afaik...

ibarelycare

cailinbronach wrote: »

Thanks, everyone. You’ve all made me realise how pathetic I’ve been about all this! I hadn’t quite realised the biblical length of my first post, there, haha; it perhaps makes me come across slightly fanatical about the poor guy. I do think he’s really hot and has always seemed very gentlemanly and interesting and I’d like to know him better as a person, but I honestly haven’t spent the year agonising and pining over him or hiding behind bushes. I’ve just felt awkward and embarrassed to even get properly chatty with him as a pal until lately.

Maybe he doesn’t have the slightest interest in me sexually. Fair enough, I’ve been there plenty of times before and I’m lucky in that I’m the kind of person that, once I actually know, I’m like “Grand, that’s that” and never think about it again.

I do still find it weird and rather contradictory that he’d asked me a few times what day I was leaving in the lead up to it, came up looking for me before leaving the card and then ignored my message and friend request. I’d find that very odd and rude if anyone did that. Like, why have bothered, then? Anyway, thanks for all the opinions, guys. I just feel like a bloody eejit for having even sent him the message now.

How is that weird contradictory? Are you sure you weren't just reading way too much into things? Perhaps he was asking you simply to make polite conversation. He dropped a card up from his department. Yes someone else could have dropped it up, but it seems you think that he went out of his way to volunteer to do it, when that very well may not have been the case. You say "why have bothered" when he didn't really bother doing a whole lot. A few conversations and dropping a card up his hardly making a huge effort. If he really wanted to see you he could have said he'd come back with the card later, or he could have sent you an email saying he had a card for you and to let him know when you're back at your desk.

Look don't feel like an eejit for sending it, there's nothing to feel embarrassed about. You sent it, he read it and probably appreciated it but there was no need for him to reply. As for not accepting your friend request, as others said maybe he has a girlfriend, or maybe he just only adds people he's actually friends with and not just acquaintances.

Use this whole experience to try to learn not to obsess about things so much Don't dwell on it, you've left that job behind so leave the worry about him behind too and start afresh!

IHeartShoes

I've received a couple of friends's requests that were not immediately obvious. I know most are, but it has happened on two occasions that they were not flagged and I only noticed them well after the fact. FYI:)

I am on the side of life being too short for regrets and I would have to explain my position to him. I really like Mr Incognito's message but it might not be your style? You could follow up with something along the lines of 'Hi there, there is something I neglected to mention in my original message and its something that I'd really like to explain to you so if you have the time, perhaps you'd message me. Chat soon 'Mary'

That way you haven't gone into some long winded explanation with no guarantee of a response. If he doesn't respond, then you have done your utmost and shouldn't have any regrets.

I'd be intrigued enough to answer, but maybe thats just me:)

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

The Friendly Newcomer

cailinbronach wrote: »

Thanks, everyone. You’ve all made me realise how pathetic I’ve been about all this! I hadn’t quite realised the biblical length of my first post, there, haha; it perhaps makes me come across slightly fanatical about the poor guy. I do think he’s really hot and has always seemed very gentlemanly and interesting and I’d like to know him better as a person, but I honestly haven’t spent the year agonising and pining over him or hiding behind bushes. I’ve just felt awkward and embarrassed to even get properly chatty with him as a pal until lately.

Maybe he doesn’t have the slightest interest in me sexually. Fair enough, I’ve been there plenty of times before and I’m lucky in that I’m the kind of person that, once I actually know, I’m like “Grand, that’s that” and never think about it again.

I do still find it weird and rather contradictory that he’d asked me a few times what day I was leaving in the lead up to it, came up looking for me before leaving the card and then ignored my message and friend request. I’d find that very odd and rude if anyone did that. Like, why have bothered, then? Anyway, thanks for all the opinions, guys. I just feel like a bloody eejit for having even sent him the message now.

It sounds like you really like him. I think that you have nothing to lose if he is leaving. Would you rather ask him and get rejected or forget him and probably never have anything happen. I think you should ask him if he would like to get a drink.

Little Lion Woman

ifElseThen wrote: »

Is he on your friend list on Facebook? If not then your message will have gone to the 'Other' folder and this isn't immediately obvious when he logs in afaik...

It depends on your settings. Some people have it set in such a way that messages from non friends go into the "other folder" and some have all messages to go into their main inbox.

I think you should just wait it out OP, see if he responds to the friend request and take it from there. Don't see the point in sending another message as if the "other" message thing applies, he might not see it and you'll just get even more frustrated. Even if he did see it, it comes off a bit too eager when he hasn't replied to your original message.

Sometimes I might see messages/requests on my phone and might not reply immediately as could be in the middle of something.

Not much you can do here except wait it out and see what happens.

However, as others have said, I do agree you're placing too much emphasis on the incident at the party. If he felt you'd disappeared prematurely, he probably would have mentioned it or wondered where you'd gone to. As for the card, if you worked together, it is the nice thing to do to give someone a card.

That's not to say he's not interested- he could be for all we know- but I think you might be overanalysing these things too much.

Wait and see what happens with the friend request and message.

Hope it all works out for you!

njs030

ifElseThen wrote: »

Is he on your friend list on Facebook? If not then your message will have gone to the 'Other' folder and this isn't immediately obvious when he logs in afaik...

It was marked as seen 10 mins later so that doesn't apply.

lyinghere

cailinbronach wrote: »

Thankfor the advice, all. Maybe the message wasn't as effusive as it could be but, you're right, sasha, I still made a point of sending it and adding him (I guess it's the double sting of that that has me a bit more upset; he saw the message so he has seen and left the request pending.....I don't get that at all). From apparently coming to say bye to blanking that?

Is the general consensus that I should wait a few days and see if he responds and then send another message? Do I say something like that when I said sorry I missed you it was because I wanted to say something? I assume I shouldn't allude at all to the fact that he's ignored me if he still hasn't responded to my request or message at that point?

Don't message him again unless he does, you will actually look like a stalker. You are overthinking it.

If he wants to get in contact he will be in contact.

Silver_525

Read this thread and after reading what some poster said about different folders on your fb, I only went and checked my own just in case. And what did I find but a msg dated back in June from hottie I'd met on a night out!
It was in an "other" folder in my inbox.

Anyhoo, back to you op. Of course he may not have seen it or any other reason, but either way if I were you I'd just leave it and see if he contacts you again. Could be a bit slow like me and only see it almost 3 months later haha

Try to get him out of your head in the meantime, easier said than done I know
And ya never know you might just end up bumping into him some time. If it's meant to be and all that...

cactusgal

whitebriar wrote: »

Send him a link to this thread with a p.s containing mr incognito's advice,the invite for coffee one.
Try send a copy to his phone number as a text too if you can get it.
Nothing happens after that,you've done your best.Then leave it.

Oh gosh, please don't do this OP, you will most definitely look like a stalker!!

gormdubhgorm

cactusgal wrote: »

Oh gosh, please don't do this OP, you will most definitely look like a stalker!!

I only read bits of it thread. But it seems boarderline fanatical, very frantic, lots and lots of over thinking.
You could just say hi to the guy and talk to him.:eek:

Stench Blossoms

He's seen the message. If he was interested he'd have replied.

OP I think you need to move on.