Ex "wants to be friends" but still sees future together

LegacyUser

Hi,
So my boyfriend, of about a year and a half, and I broke up at the start of the summer. We'd been doing long-distance for a while as I was abroad. He will be abroad for the next two years, during the second year I will be moving to England permanently and originally the plan was that he would follow.
However during the last couple of months we realised that all the long-distance was just not good enough, we really wanted to live together already so the relationship we go strained and stagnent. We stayed together, knowing it was going to end, for a few weeks but eventually I found it too upetting so we called it quits.

At first it was actually a relief. I deal with mild anxiety and depression which went untreated last year as language barriers prevented me from attending counselling. I had developed all these weird worries about not being "in love" enough, or secretly not caring for him (I don't get "butterflies" or "electricity when we touch" etc). So when we broke up it was the first time in months I didn't feel guilty. But at I started working through my anxieties I realised how much I did love him and the break up hit me like a ton of bricks. Now I worry I've made a huge mistake.

We met up for the first time at the weekend because we both wanted to remain friends. I kept trying to be "just friends" but he kept catching my eye and being flirty. He says he wants us to stay in contact and then get back together in England in 3 years time. He says our connection is too special. But then he says he wants me to move on?? How is that supposed to happen? What happens if I meet someone else? He kept saying we made the best decision. We finished well and have no ill feelings towards each other, but how can he say that if he still wants us to have a future together? I mean, that's what I want too but I was trying to forget about it. We've both chosen our careers over each other, and neither of us want the other to give anything up, but sometimes I think my biggest dream is just to come home to him in the evening. We're both 24, and I'm not worried about either of us finding other people, but what if they're just isn't anybody out there who's as good as him? I don't think I can handle cutting contact with him completely but I just don't know what to do anymore.

Buona Fortuna

Hi OP

I agree with Sunflower. I don't understand your bf. If you love someone, you wan't to be with them. Sometimes circumstances and events get in the way of what we'd like.

I'm thinking of a middle aged couple I know. She is quite poorly and in hospital. The husband has to make the trip to hospital everyday. I can't imagine either of them would have chosen those circumstances, but you don't hear either of them say - Shall we give it a rest for 12-18 months and see if I get better.

Either he wants to be part of your life or he doesn't. I don't see any middle way. If its not to be I'd suggest for both your sakes you are better having a clean break and moving on with your life. Three years in limbo will not be good for anyone.

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

Thanks for the replies. To be honest I think I know that I'm better off just moving on. In different circumstances we could be a great couple but at the minute it's just not going to work. It's just tough because we both want to be together so sometimes it doesn't feel like it actually ended. I sometimes wish we had a bad breakup.

We hadn't talked since the weekend but he sent me a text this morning asking if I could meet him before he left. I replied saying that I didn't have the time (which is true) and that I was reluctant to anyway because he upset me last time with all the talk of "us". I still do want to be friends, but just friends. I could see us together in the future but there are too many ifs and buts to hold onto that. I want to move on and I want him to do the same. He replied back saying that my message was kind of upsetting but he needed to hear it, and if I changed my mind about seeing him he'd be free. I said I doubted I would but I'd give him an email in a few weeks to see how he's getting on after he moves. And we left it at that.

I'm trying to look on the bright side. I worry a lot that there isn't anybody else out there that's that compatible with me. But then I think that I didn't think I'd meet anyone like him in the first place so if anything it should give me hope!

Dark Phoenix

Op he has basically asked you to wait for him for three years so he can decide then wether he will take you as the back up plan or if someone more convenient has come up in the meantime.

he either wants to be with you or he doesn't, I wouldn't allow him to have his cake and eat it. I'd also ask if you really want to be stuck in an LDR for three years anyway as its a long time on top of what ye have been through already.

Queen-Mise

It's an awkward one alright.

The two of you broke up because of the long distance aspect of the relationship rather than the two of you being incompatible.

So of course when you met up at the weekend there was a spark and chemistry, as there is no ill feeling between you, and there wouldn't have been a relationship without the spark and chemistry.

I think you ex-BF is trying to have his cake and eat it. I think he knows that walking away from a good relationship is tough. And he is probably trying to console himself in three years time, if both of you are still free and single then 'yeah' try again.

I'm don't think he is seriously suggesting that you wait three years. I think it is more unwillingness to let go of a good girlfriend.

Let the relationship go. Tell him straight that you are moving on. There is no guarantee that both of you would be on the same continent in a few years - plans change and opportunities come up.


On a side note: do something about your thinking OP - it is causing you a lot of problems. Life would be a lot easier for you, if you could get control of some of those 'knots of thinking' your head creates.