Jealous of his friend with Benefits

backcomb

I started going out with a guy 3 months ago. One of his close female friends was his f*ck buddy for 2/3 years on and off up untill he start going out with me. I feel really uncomfortable about this as they are still really good friends. I havent met her but they do be texting each other alot. I got really annoyed one day and told him how i felt, he stopped contacting her because he knew how annoyed i was. i asked him how he'd feel if i was still in touch with one of my ex f*ck buddies, he told me that they are just really good friends, he knows her years and it was just an arrangement they had on nights out. I feel so insecure about the whole thing.
Has anyone else been in this positon?

JeffKenna

I know for a fact I'm going to get slated for this but yes I was in the exact same situation. I broke up with the girl as I just felt too uncomfortable with the relationship she had with her friend.

In reality you have two options, either get over it or break up with him. I chose the latter. Some people will be totally secure with the situation, others will not. It's very much a personal thing. If you can't feel secure then you really have no option as it's unfair to expect him to start losing friends based in your demands.

backcomb

thanks for your reply. I know i cant get over it , i'd feel jealous of them been in touch as they had this physical connection together, id feel like 'she knows what my fella's like in bed' kinda thing. When he told me he wouldnt contact her anymore i told him i dont want to stop him talking to his friends, he said then what do you want me to do, i just shrugged my shoulders. i said i wanted to end it as i am too uncomfortable and he went mad saying there is no way he would loose me over her.
i asked him if they are such good friends and jump in and out of bed together how come they never had a relationship and he said cos she isnt girlfriend material to me. I just dont get this if they get on so well.

Dial Hard

backcomb wrote: »

i asked him if they are such good friends and jump in and out of bed together how come they never had a relationship and he said cos she isnt girlfriend material to me. I just dont get this if they get on so well.

Because some people can have great chemistry and be physically attracted to eachother but know they'd be terrible as partners.

Anyway, I think you know what you need to do here. And, as unfair as it sounds, it's not up to your boyfriend to decide that that you don't "get" to break up with him. It'll be hard and it sucks for both of you, but trying to keep the relationship going when you know in your heart of hearts you can't get over this is just going to hurt you both more in the long run.

JeffKenna

Well that's probably what I'd do as well but then on the other hand you have to remember you only know because your boyfriend told you. I guarantee you that countless people just would have kept shut about the nature or their relationship and kept you in the dark.

backcomb

JeffKenna wrote: »

you only know because your boyfriend told you. I guarantee you that countless people just would have kept shut about the nature or their relationship and kept you in the dark.

Very Very True, he didnt have to say anything..

Queen-Mise

OP - I would work out how to get over it.

I have had that kind of relationship in the past and it was literally just sex. It does a lot less damage to your self esteem to repeatedly have one night stands with the same person than random people :pac: And I'd be inclined to think that how it was for both of them.

I'd be inclined to meet her in a social setting if possible. And see the reassurance of them as being friends.

I am impressed with your BF cutting contact when you said it bothered you. He sounds well clued in.

We all have previous sexual partners - the ick factor of them you will have to get used to and get over it.

Magicmatilda

How close is she? Is she part of a wider group?

He has made it clear that he will cut contact with her for you and that he would rather do that than lose you, so why not let him do that?

If they are part of a wider circle he can always explain to her that now he is in a relationship he feels that one on one contact with her is inappropriate and whilst it is fine if they are all out together but that he would rather not be texting her, etc...

backcomb

Magicmatilda wrote: »

How close is she? Is she part of a wider group?

He has made it clear that he will cut contact with her for you and that he would rather do that than lose you, so why not let him do that?

If they are part of a wider circle he can always explain to her that now he is in a relationship he feels that one on one contact with her is inappropriate and whilst it is fine if they are all out together but that he would rather not be texting her, etc...

No they wouldnt be in a wider circle of friends, he is good friends with her and her brother for years now. She confides in him about her ex (father of her child), and rings him up for chats and texts him a lot, they wouldnt be out drinking together or socialising as such. They are each others booty calls after a nite out.

CaraMay

backcomb wrote: »

thanks for your reply. I know i cant get over it , i'd feel jealous of them been in touch as they had this physical connection together, id feel like 'she knows what my fella's like in bed' kinda thing. When he told me he wouldnt contact her anymore i told him i dont want to stop him talking to his friends, he said then what do you want me to do, i just shrugged my shoulders. i said i wanted to end it as i am too uncomfortable and he went mad saying there is no way he would loose me over her.
i asked him if they are such good friends and jump in and out of bed together how come they never had a relationship and he said cos she isnt girlfriend material to me. I just dont get this if they get on so well.

But you don't know her so why do you care that she knows what he is like in bed?

Everyone has a past and it seems a shame to dump him over something he can't change especially as he is offering to place you before her.

You sound like you can't be happy.

shalalala

I understand completely. My ex had this situation with a few girls when I met him. One was a proper ex that he was still in contact with, the bit that got me was discussing me personally.

Another was an ex FWB that was not really a friend because I don't think they liked each other.

The last was a friend that he had had sex with drunk a few times.

I am not going to lie. I didn't like it, I am the type of person that feels like sex is for relationships and you cannot actually have sex with a friend without feelings. You have feelings for a friend, and you find them attractive enough to bed them, so how is it not more then friends?

I asked for our relationship not to be discussed with them. That was all I asked. In the end he stopped talking to the latter two completely (I am sure they blame me for it). And the first one was what caused problems. It became apparent that there was game playing and feelings.

actually when he was breaking up with me after three years he told me he never loved me as much as his ex.

OP you are in a much better situation. He has dropped all contact. No arguments, no hiding anything. If you have a gut feeling that he is back in contact with her then you are probably right. But I just think that how simple it was for him to stop contact means that it is probably very genuine.

Blisterman

I've been on both sides of very similar situations, and what I did, and what I think the best thing to do is learn to accept it and get a handle on your jealousy. I would never dream of asking a girlfriend to cut contact with a friend, regardless of what happened in the past, and similarly I wouldn't want to be with someone who tried to do the same to me.

The reality is, for a large percentage of people, there will be someone in their daily life who they've slept with in the past, be it a colleague, friend, ex etc. There's no getting around it, so you need to be a mature adult, and just accept it for what it is.

pookie82

Blisterman wrote: »

The reality is, for a large percentage of people, there will be someone in their daily life who they've slept with in the past, be it a colleague, friend, ex etc. There's no getting around it, so you need to be a mature adult, and just accept it for what it is.

Ah, "someone they've slept with in the past" isn't quite the same as someone they were serially sleeping with for what could have been 3 years... OP do you know if she's put out by your existence at all? The only real danger here that would spring to my mind is if she was more involved in this than he was.

It's great if two people can sleep together continually for 3 years, both get exactly what they want out of it, remain on the same page, and move on without attachment if one of them gets a serious partner.

In reality (and you'll see this advice given on plenty of threads here) it doesn't often work out that way, one or the other harbours more feelings or hope that maybe something more will come of it some day and finds it hard to move on when the time comes.

That might not be the case here at all, and if it is, it definitely doesn't sound like it was on HIS side, so you have no worries there. The fact he offered to cut her off rather than lose you should tell you that.

I can see why you'd be told to "be mature and suck it up" but I wouldn't feel very comfortable in your situation either. That said, he's done nothing at all wrong, so unless you can work out how to overcome your jealousy without blaming him, you might end up in a bit of a pickle.

The best outcome would probably be for their contact to gradually deteriorate over time as you guys get more serious, or at least not be frequent texting/relying on each other for chats.

Try to think of it like this... he had the chance for 2/3 long years to strike up something serious with her and he didn't. That's because he didn't want to. He clearly wants YOU. You need to believe you're the one he has chosen and relax about it for a while, see if the contact lessens naturally.