Why should I bite my tongue?

LegacyUser

I'm having a severe issue with my BF's mam. Yes. The dreaded MIL situation. Granted we arent married but I just dont know how to deal with what happened at the weekend.

I love my BF to pieces, been together a few years now and I'm happy with him. There's one teensy tiny issue though, and it's rattled me the last few days and I need advice.

His mam is a bit of a battleaxe. She's not really a typical "Irish Mammy" because she's technically not Irish, does F all around the house etc. Orders the men in the house to do everything which is fair enough, it's her house. She does however, still treat her sons like they are 12 years old, and it's really getting to me. She is the most controlling, domineering woman I have ever met and I'm having trouble adapting to her physco ways.

It all kicked off this weekend, she wanted my BF's email address and password (for something stupid) and rang him to ask. He politely declined as she snooped through his email before and read a LOT of private emails between us and I still havent forgiven her for that. She didnt apologise to him or me either. Seems to think she has every right to because it's HER son... He's late 20's by the way.... So anyway, he told her no, that she breached his trust before and he wouldnt give her the details, and she flipped. Went absolutely ballistic, screaming down the phone at him - telling him "he's finished" ??? Whatever the F that means. This continued and she eventually rang my phone and I didnt answer - because I wanted nothing to do with this sh!te. She then left an abusive voicemail on my phone for my BF. I didnt listen to it, deleted it straight away. My BF tried to call her as I think he was going to give in, which I told him not to. She just kept sending messages back saying f*** off.

I explained to my BF, that this was tantrum behaviour, she wouldnt stop until she got her own way, and he needs to stand up to her, otherwise she will continue to walk all over him and blackmail him etc.

I havent seen or spoken to her since, nor do I want to. But I need help here, I really dont know how I'm going to bite my tongue and say nothing. I shouldnt get involved, but I am really angry over the whole thing. I just cannot believe she spoke to her son in such an abusive way. I know he's a man and should just stand up to her, but this is not an isolated incident folks, this is just another bitchfit to add to the list of times she flips when people dont give her what she wants.

I just dont know how to deal with this.

I'm afraid for the future for me and my BF, I am happy with him, but her behaviour makes me worry about how she will behave if we get married or if we have kids. I cannot put up with that tyrant behaviour and nor should my BF. I already keep my distance from in her general as she has been awful to me in the past. So at least I can continue to do that.


Help

Tokyo

Hi OP,

I'm finding it hard to find the issue here to be honest. Your boyfriend's mother asked him something that he considered unreasonable (and seemingly he has good reason to do so), and he responded politely but firmly that he wouldn't comply with said request, stating why he wouldn't hand over his email details, and didn't back down when she screamed down the phone at him. To me that's the ideal way of handling this kind of situation - he stood his ground without lowering himself to petty namecalling like his mother did.

You say that you want "nothing to do with this sh!te", but at the same time seem dissatisfied with the way your boyfriend is handling his family situation and want to step in, and I'm not sure why. Do you think that things will be somewhat better if he screams back at her in kind? IMHO this is an issue between your boyfriend and his family, your boyfriend is handling things just fine, and it really isn't your place to jump in and decide to fight his battles for him, otherwise you risk heading down a somewhat controlling path yourself....

R.D. aka MR.D

Hi OP,

Well, I think that your anger is understandable but you also have to accept that you have chosen this so you can't get that angry over it.

My own mother is a nightmare and always has been. My sister-in-law has awful trouble with her. She talks to me about it a lot as it is only me and my brother in the family and I am the only person who understands what she's talking about. She has told me that her own family and friends don't hardly believe some of the things that go on. Some of it is absurd.

While I am glad that my brother has found some one to start a family with and she is amazing, I do have a feeling that she can't feel so hard done by now because she knew what my mother was like before she got married.

I think that she lives in hope that my brother will eventually cop on and stand up for himself. She's been waiting 10 years so far and no luck.

This causes her a lot of pain and anxiety.

The question I have for you is, why do you think that your boyfriend puts up with this from his mother? My mother wouldn't dare do the things that she does to my brother to me because she knows that I wouldn't stand for it. I already have very little contact with her as it is because of her past behaviour.

Your boyfriend is a grown man and it's up to him to stand up for himself.
His mother read emails between you two? Did you get angry at the mother or your boyfriend? Because if it were me, i would have broken up with him right then for being such a spineless weirdo as to give his mother his email password.

Your boyfriend is making the choice to keep taking this nonsense from his mother and you are making the choice to stay with your boyfriend.


If you think that your boyfriend's self-esteem is too low to stand up to her then suggest that he gets some professional help.
It's unlikely, as I mentioned about my own family, that even with continued nagging (from me and my sister-in-law), he will ever change.

Big Bag of Chips

Your boyfriend is an adult, capable (or not) of dealing with his mother himself. If it was your mother treating him like that you might have a case for stepping in. But this is the relationship he has had with her forever. If she treats you badly you can tell her to fk off! But he already has one woman in his life shouting at him and telling him what to do... Does he really need another?

Edit - don't get me wrong. I would hate my husband to put up with that sort of treatment from his mother. But if he did, I would choose to just never be in her company. Because I couldn't stand by and watch. Believe it or not you don't have to have anything to do with her. You can leave him to deal with her however he pleases, and you can just stay away from her. Block her number if you can. Then she can't ring you and involve you. And live blissfully ignorant of how she carries on.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

Mike it's not that I want him to scream back at her, I just cant understand why he tip toes around her everytime she flips, and dont get me wrong I know it's probably easier for him in the long run to just pander to her and let her have what she wants, but this continues all the time and he ends up stressed and angry and it's hard for me to see him like that. Completely agree that yes I shouldnt get involved in their family issues, but at the same time I'm actually worried about my future with him. Essentially she will be involved no matter what as she is his mam. I'm upset about it all, because I will not end things with my BF just because of her, but at the same time, I find it hard to ignore this drama she causes.

R.D. aka MR.D - he didnt give her his password, he was logged into his emails on his laptop, she used his laptop and read through all of our emails that were seriously personal. She wasn't even apologetic to him, she confronted him about things we had been talking about and was questioning him the genre of our chats. Which were NOTHING to do with her and I am still really embarrassed to know that she sat there, reading it all. Still cant believe it. I didnt get angry at her, she thinks I dont know about it. I didnt get angry with my BF but he's made sure that he always logs out of his email so she cant do it again. She also read a very personal letter that I wrote to my BF, not that it matters now, but she knows no boundaries, and sometimes I feel that since she doesnt care about her sons privacy, maybe I should tell her that I do not want her reading emails that I have sent because they are private and none of her business.

I guess I should just be there for him, I have never gotten involved ever in the past, but this weekend really rattled me and made me question what I am getting myself into He seems to be standing up to her more and not taking her crap, but in all honesty my heart broke watching him be screamed at the other day. I think I just took it personally and am finding it hard not to say anything to her.

Tokyo

I understand your frustration to a point, and fair enough I don't know what has gone before, but I don't see what he's doing right now as tippy-toeing. By your own admission he *is* standing up to her, and I see what he did as a smart move personally - she didn't get her way with his email, AND she didn't get the satisfaction of getting under his skin when she screamed down the phone at him. She's a bully no doubt, but bullies thrive on having control over their victims, and your boyfriend's mother had zero control over the events of yesterday. Which is probably getting to her far more than any screaming match might.

It's his family, and he *is* dealing with it. And I would advise you to let him do so. By all means be supportive, but sitting there, ready to jump into the driving seat and have it out with her on his behalf (good intentions or no) is skirting close to taking control over events in his life, which seems to defeat the purpose of what you actually want.

jdsk2006

Ok being a few years, a marraige and kids further down the road than you are now, I'm gonna give you my insight into your situation.
Firstly, i can totally resonate with your questioning your future with him- cos your worried his facilitation to her antics will eventually spill over onto you? Well your right, it will......but only if he lets her continue.
You definitely don't need to inject yourself directly into his family issues. However, if you love him and see a life ahead wit him then you definitely need to lay some important foundations for YOUR family (ie you, him and future kids).
Id sit him down and open your heart. Tell him you fear for yer future. Tell him he needs to find a way to protect himself and you from her onslaught of negativity .
You will find that your boyfriend is a victim. Like all victims, he has been worn down and left unable to see the situation clearly. He needs your support in learning how to manage his mother and eventually he will become stronger and more confident in maintaini.g a relationship with her that doesn't strain his life with you.

Applaud him in his polite refusal to her request.....that probably took guts considering he knew what was cominng next. For next time, he should make his excuses to end the convo BEFORE she kicks off. Hopefully she will have calmed down after a few hours and he can contact her again for a normal chat.....first sign of her drama starting, he makes his excuses and ends convo.......and so on until she learns he ain't he emotional punchbag anymore.

Help him to put a loving boundary down, this shoulnt be ignored any longer.

PS don't live near her ever!!!!!

Aimeee

No advice to offer op just wanted to say good advice in the last post, love that line about the loving boundary!
I'm trying to lay down one of these myself with a family member.

Regarding the anger, I've come to realise that I've contained a lot of anger from past situations with a relative where I've let things go and bit my tongue.
Some situations I've been glad others I've regretted not being more assertive.
Don't underestimate the effect it will have on yourself and also your relationship.
It can wreck your head.
Don't forget your bf is probably well used to this behaviour, he's probably had a lifetime of it. Dh says he is immune by now to his own mother's antics whereas I'd be really cross over things. Now I just see it as her way and absolutely nothing to do with me.
If your bf is not so bothered after the event take your lead from him. Chalk everything she's done in the past down as lessons learned. You wouldn't expect people to read your emails etc, but you won't make that mistake again. At least you know what she's like now, better than finding out ten years down the line. You may have to decide if you can live with it or not though. Or as was mentioned do not live near her!

LegacyUser

OP here again, I have to say I'm not as angry as I was this morning when I wrote that post. I guess I have just put up with an awful lot from her over the last 4+ years and I have always bit my tongue and always kept out of it. I come from a family of seriously laid back people and we never argue with each other or fight ever. So I am well used to saying nothing and I am happy to keep the peace.

She's been really harsh to me in the past even though she claims that I'm the best thing that's ever happened her son, I think maybe this is just her personality, however horrible it is! She's slated my appearance, my family, tried to dictate what I wear, how I get my hair done, the make up I use, the job I'm in - literally everything I do, she has a problem with. I really have learnt to let that all go over my head. At first I used to get quite upset because I'm not a very pass-remarkable person. Then I got used to her, and thickened up my skin. I can deal with her if you get me. I just think she caught me on a bad day this weekend and I was really p!ssed. Myself and my BF were out for the day having a great time, and she ruined it all with that one phonecall.

Thanks all for the advice, I really will take on board what all of you have said. Keeping out of it is definitely what I want to do because I dont want to cause aggro in the family. There's already enough of it going on. I barely see her thankfully, but sometimes will run into her if I'm in the house and I just keep it polite and try not to get into conversation with her. She does have some good qualities, but the bad completely cancels out the good. I know I'm not the only person struggling with family issues, I see it all the time here. I just needed people to snap me out of it, because I was so close to emailing her this morning. Thank the lord for you people on boards

Ps.. I would rather chew off my own arm than live anywhere near her

Aimeee

A trick I've acquired over the years with certain people, before they can get the digs or criticisms into you is be in control of any conversation you have to have. Be armed with questions and even compliments (you don't have to mean them), ie that's a lovely dress where did you get it, did you do something different with your hair etc etc. Keep on talking with the questions nothing personal keep it superficial and act happy/smile like you mean it.
I'd guess it'll totally disarm her esp if she's used to dishing out. I know an mil like this (not mine), knew her before she was the mil and she had always been this way. Just happens that the last who married her son has become her newest target. Sad to say very she's become background noise to all her own family now, which is sad as they had such a good life growing up and never wanted for anything just she was never seemed happy with her lot, criticising all round her.
Just curious is it all sons she has?