Are your 20s meant to be confusing, anxious and lonely?

LegacyUser

Apologies in advance for the long post. I'm a guy turning 24 this week and I guess i'm just wondering is it normal to feel like this in your 20's? I wouldn't say i'm depressed and there's moments where I really feel like i'm enjoying life, but my 20s has been way more difficult/awkward than I imagined.

I have suffered pretty bad anxiety since I was around 14, mainly health related (hypochondriac) and also a bit of social anxiety aswell. I thought I would've outgrown this by now, especially social anxiety. I've improved in this area over the last few months, but I feel like an outlier for someone my age. I shouldn't worry so much. Should be living in the moment.

Loneliness is also something I suffer with and didn't expect. I'm an only child so you think I'd be used to it by now but sometimes I feel pretty damn lonely. I don't have a huge circle of friends (1 very good friend who I'd see a lot) and 3 or 4 other mates who I'd see every couple of months. This is in stark contrast to the people on my facebook feed who have great lives and are most probably never lonely. I haven't been in a relationship since I got dumped over 2 years ago and i'm still living at home.

I don't really have any social hobbies (because of the anxiety), so i'm not sure how to reduce the feelings of loneliness. I obsessively compare myself to other people my age and have an idea in my mind that most twenty somethings are always busy outside of work with either social hobbies or girlfriends/boyfriends whereas my typical day after work involves playing guitar in my room or watching soccer. My typical weekend involves a few drinks on Friday and sometimes Saturdays, with pretty much nothing done during the day.

I've only had sex with 1 girl and without sounding sleazy I thought this was meant to be the most promiscuous stage of life where you go through multiple sexual partners? I've got with girls on nights out but i'm always too drunk to actually have sex with them, even when its basically on a plate for me. I'm sure other people my age have been with well more than 1 person!

I'm also kinda confused about what I want career wise. I graduated last year from college and have a job until December but after that I'm not sure that I want to continue in that line of work. I've a desire to live in a city outside of Ireland for at least 1 year but no idea what i'd be doing. I guess I just thought I should know by now what I want from life as im assuming most other people my age do.

Are your 20s really meant to be a struggle? Or am I just overreacting to a pretty normal thing that many people go through? Any advice would be appreciated.

openup

Hi OP,

I'm in a similar situation and I think it sounds like you're doing ok. I'm 24, out of college a year, living at home, don't see my friends often etc.

As far as I'm concerned your 20s are for finding your feet and that's what I'm doing. Don't spend too much time thinking about what other people are doing. They only put pictures up on fb when they're doing fun things, I spent most of the last year anxious and lonely but my fb profile looks great, I'm happy and surrounded by friends in every photo!
A lot of your problems seem like they have straight forward enough solutions. For example, you want to have more casual sex but the only reason you haven't done so before is because you were to drunk...so don't drink so much? But there is no need to sleep around because it's "what 20-something do". I did in my early 20s, because I enjoyed it, now I don't like getting anyway intimate with someone I don't care for. I have friends who have slept with over 50 people and at least one who is still a virgin. Different strokes!

Living at home can be alienating too. When you live with your friends/OH a trip to the pub/cinema/etc can happen with 5 minutes warning because you're all in the same house anyway. At home you have to plan things and check your mam won't mind that you'll be home late etc.

I'm fairly certain that not one of my friends in their 20s has any clue what they're doing with there lives. Only one friend I can think of has a full-time, permanent job in her field and even though she loves it she feels like she should be travelling or doing something "more worthwhile".

So I don't know, just take it easy and keep breathing.

Manco

OP, you're very similar to me - I'm an only child, turned 24 this month, living at home, have a history of social anxiety and have only had one sexual experience. I think you're being a bit hard on yourself, a hell of a lot of people in our age group suffer from loneliness and aren't very sexually experienced, and very few people I know have their lives mapped out, and as the poster above me noted Facebook offers a version of people that can be very self-selective. Echo the moving out part as well, I plan to do so soon. I'd recommend looking into a social hobby; even if nothing immediately springs to mind, even if it's daunting at first, it can really improve your confidence to try new things. I found that really alleviated my loneliness anyway, even if it's not a panacea.

beks101

First of all, don't be fooled by the facebook facade. Because that's all it is really - a PR machine that everyone gets to self-regulate in any way they choose. People show snapshots of the best parts of their lives in what is just a glorified popularity contest at the end of the day. You'd be doing yourself a serious disservice if you used it as a barometer for how your life should be - it's not how anyone's life is! It's. Not. Real.

Secondly - no two people will have the same experience of their 20s. Some people will have the time of their lives, others will spent the entire decade just a little bit lost. Most people will fall someone in the middle, but I think most will agree it's a ten-year learning curve. An exercise in making mistakes and doubting yourself and fcuking up and picking yourself up again and somewhere along the way, learning who you are.

Personally, I wasn't the biggest fan of my early twenties. People mention 'quarter life crisis'- - I don't think I was far off. Wasn't convinced I was following the right career, yet stuck in a perpetual rut of working working working; dating the wrong men or not dating at all; drinking too much or not socializing at all; stuck in my own head most of the time.

Now at my late 20s, things are slowly coming together, but there are still a lot of blanks that need filling in, a lot of aspects of my life and of myself I'm not quite comfortable about. I have friends in their 30s who tell me they've entered a decade of Not Giving a Single Fcuk about the things that bothered them in their 20s - namely, other people's business, the relentless comparisons, the relentless obsessions over other people's opinions of them. Slowly, that willingness to give a fcuk dissipates. You realize how unimportant it is.

And you realize that no-one's life is really as great as it seems. People aren't getting laid left, right and centre. Trust me on that one. It's just not happening like that! People aren't living these rock-star lives full of sex and sunshine and endless joy and happiness and everyone has their own issues; they're just pretty good at hiding them because it's kind of the done thing when you're young and in your so-called 'prime.'

Quit pressuring yourself. Quit allowing yourself to feel inadequate because you're not out riding rings around yourself or partying every night of the week or travelling the world or whatever. You are who you are - own that. You're going to have to eventually, you may as well start now.

I will say the things that I beat myself up about in my early 20s are the things that I pride myself on now. I like that I'd choose a night in watching nerdy documentaries over a wild night out most of the time. Because late boozy nights don't energize me - most often the company of a small group of friends, or even my own company, does.

I like that I second guess things all the time - myself, my decisions, the world around me. It lends itself to lively discussions, compassion towards others, it keeps me on my toes!

But Number One - quit comparing yourself to others, quit projecting. When you look at someone else, you don't get the full picture - you just get the face that they're happy to show to the world.

Start living for YOU. You're genuinely lonely? Join a few clubs, find a hobby you can commit to and devote your life to it. Use it as a social outlet. Put yourself out there. Start online dating, feck it, walk up to someone and ask them out.

You're not sure about your career path? Try something out. Fail at it, hate it; try something else. Don't be afraid to fcuk up or make the wrong decision - those are the things that build character, they help you later in life. Do things that YOU want to do, not the things that you think you SHOULD be doing.

It's your life; there are no expectations on you except to live it.

Rubberchikken

Some very sound advice from the other posters.
I agree re. FB. People will only post things that make their lives look happy abd cool.
Maybe sometimes they're accurate but a lot is just how they want the world to see them.

If you can accept that you'll find it easier to view their 'perfect' lives.
And your 20's is for discovering you. And judging by your post you sound like a person worth knowing.

So enjoy your 20's, trust me, they fly by;)
Take care.

Buona Fortuna

Four good posts above.

As others have said don't take FB seriously. That's what people want to show you.

Again others have said start a new activity. You said you suffer from social anxiety a bit, so why not make the first thing you try really off the wall. Try something completely new. Try something like basket weaving or pottery something where if you fcuk it up, who cares.

Looking back I think I was a little lost in my 20s too. I ended up and joined the TA (part time Army) and that pretty much took care of my weekend and some week nights, as well as a social life.

I'm not suggesting it but I wonder if there is something similar you join. GAA springs to mind, and there are other voluntary organisations like St Johns Ambulance, Mountain Rescue. All these things give you something to talk about, give you a sense of self worth and have varying amounts of social/fundraising activities connected to them.

castaway_lady

That all sounds about right...who said your 20s were meant to be sorted out? Theyre about getting it wrong and having loads of time to experiment with fixes. As for facebook, when was the last time you logged on and saw someone checking-in at the dentist etc,,,,never?? Yep because people spend more time and effort managing facebook to construct an image of their life than they do on their career. That's not a picture of real life..its managed image life..like airbrushing!

No you don't have to risk your manhood on STDs and cheap chicks to max out your 20s, you've opened the account that's good. Yea you do need more of a social circle, those ebb and flow through mini life stages. Think logically what you can practically do about that. Online dating maybe? Winter league 5-a-side? Night class? Leisure centre?

You want to move- you think. Why not look into that more. You're free from December to try something there, even short term might get your adrenalin buzzing.

The overall thing is , 24ish can be 1/4 life crisis. Don't panic...just go after the possibilities and don't be hard on yourself.

signed,
a 20s and quarter life crisis survivor who thinks mid 30s are much better

ivytwine

Fantastic advice here, especially from Beks as usual.

Just to say OP, I'm 25, an only child, single (but then I am very lazy about that whole area of life!) and I have found my twenties to be tough so far.

I think it's normal. Your 20s are for finding your feet. I think what we're going through is normal!

B0jangles

Just to add to the excellent advice already given, I remember thinking when I was in my late teens, "When I'm 21 I'll have it all figured out, I'll know What Is Going On".

I got to 21 and nope, no clue yet.

So I though, "I'll definitely have it all figured out by the time I'm 30"

Nope.

Mid-thirties now and, while the circumstances of my life have obviously changed, there is, and was, still no blinding flash of self-knowledge, of no moment when I found my footing in the world, I don't think there ever will be one. Life happens, day after day and all we can do is try to be happy, do our best and deal with what happens.

I also suffer from hypochondria and generalized anxiety and personally I have found a certain amount of fatalism has helped me to cope; I try to square up to the worst case scenario for my fears and desensitize myself to it, if that makes any sense? Like, sometimes I'll be walking down the street, feel a bit panicky and the thought will pop up in my head that "I could be having a heart attack!

What's the worst that could happen in that scenario? I'll either be dead and will know nothing more about it, or I'll wake up in hospital and have survived. I have found that such concrete results, however unlikely and unpleasant are infinitely less terrifying than formless dread.

average hero

Excellent posts from many posters above, particularly beks101.

To answer your question OP, yeah your 20s kind of are meant to be confusing, anxious and lonely! I can understand your anxiety regarding FB and social media. It's like a barometer of what people are doing with their lives. But as said above, it is self-regulated and people only put up what they think will make them seem 'cool'. It's easier said than done, but don't compare yourself to other people or others circumstances - it will only make you feel more anxious.

Regarding your sexual experiences, I'll tell you right now - you're lucky. I worked in a busy nightclub and had a number of experiences throughout my time there which I thought made me look like 'the man'. In reality, they were simply one night stands. What I really remember are the times when I dated someone I truly cared about in my early 20's. Frankly 'players' are not as well liked as the media would have it seem. Everyone goes through good times and bad with the fairer sex. You will too.

People in their early 20s have it very different to years ago. We are fed images of superstar 19 year olds in the media and people putting great photos up on FB and everyone is having a great time of it. The reality of it is that most mid-20s are getting first jobs (graduate or otherwise), living at home (glamorous) or juggling bills trying to get on with it. You don't see THAT up on FB!

Recently, I've moved to London and within a month, I've joined an fitness and gym organisation, a supporters club for a football team and am planning on going to a language exchange to brush up on my languages and meet new and interesting people. This is just to give you an idea or show you my example. Maybe you could find some social outlet that you will thrive in!

You will find yourself - we've all been there.

fillefatale

I'm 25 OP, I lived at home for 2 years after graduating and was bloody miserable. I moved to Dublin for an internship and I've been much happier as I've made the effort to go to and do things I find interesting. Life after the internship is pretty unpredictable and I'm in a slump. I'm heading to Canada next year though, for another change.

Don't be afraid of change. Perhaps you should deactivate your facebook for a while, and take up running, or a hobby? You won't have to worry about FOMO (fear of missing out) then, and it'll clear your head.

LegacyUser

OP I'm in much the same situation as you, I'm 24 finished college and still living at home. You seem to be in a better position then me as you at least have some kind of employment where I haven't been able to get anything at all, not from lack of trying. I've been stuck on the dole since I finished. I suffer from depression and anxiety and I find it incredibly difficult to connect with people, I have never have a relationship and I have had 0 intimate interactions with girls. It makes me feel horrible about myself but I guess I just have to try not dwell on it. I guess what I trying to say your alone in your situation. Hope everything works out for you.

LegacyUser

Wow, the response to this thread has been better than I could've imagined so cheers to everyone that has replied so far! It's great to know i'm not the only one who has these kind of feelings in my 20's.

I guess it was just hard to believe since I've that idea ingrained in my head that everyone else is at a certain point by the age I am now with x number of previous sexual partners, loads of mates, constantly out doing hobbies etc.

It's difficult to put myself out there and join clubs with my anxiety...I even go red when people at work talk to me and tend to stay quiet as a praying priest in there! So what hope have I got at a club? Unfortunately the only time my anxiety ever truly leaves me is when I have a few drinks (hence my whole social life revolving around alcohol!). Also the only time I get girls is when i'm drunk and I've lost countless opportunities for sex due to an inability to perform whilst drunk.

I also have this overwhelming desire to just get up and leave Dublin and try a new city in the world for a year. Somewhere like Australia or something. I travelled to South America on my own last year so I guess I've got it in me to do it. I just know it would be painful for my parents me leaving with me being the only child. I suppose it's my life and they should be happy for me.

I try and improve myself and am constantly reading about things like meditation and natural supplements for anxiety and also changing my thought processes. And motivational books aswell. I'd like to think I come across as an interesting person but unfortunately my anxious brain is hampering my life.

Another prevalent thought which haunts me is about the past. How many years of my teenage days and college days I wasted playing video games and watching porn instead of meeting people, joining clubs and growing as a person.. I had some great times with friends and my ex among all the days of repetitive video game playing and porn watching but I always think how I'll never get them back.

I'm 24 now which obviously isn't old but some would say I should be way more confident in myself by this age and should have a lot more experience with the opposite sex rather than 1 sexual partner and a host of drunken fumbles that never went anywhere. I've a lot of improvement to make.

ivytwine

20sStruggle wrote: »

Wow, the response to this thread has been better than I could've imagined so cheers to everyone that has replied so far! It's great to know i'm not the only one who has these kind of feelings in my 20's.

I guess it was just hard to believe since I've that idea ingrained in my head that everyone else is at a certain point by the age I am now with x number of previous sexual partners, loads of mates, constantly out doing hobbies etc.

It's difficult to put myself out there and join clubs with my anxiety...I even go red when people at work talk to me and tend to stay quiet as a praying priest in there! So what hope have I got at a club? Unfortunately the only time my anxiety ever truly leaves me is when I have a few drinks (hence my whole social life revolving around alcohol!). Also the only time I get girls is when i'm drunk and I've lost countless opportunities for sex due to an inability to perform whilst drunk.

I also have this overwhelming desire to just get up and leave Dublin and try a new city in the world for a year. Somewhere like Australia or something. I travelled to South America on my own last year so I guess I've got it in me to do it. I just know it would be painful for my parents me leaving with me being the only child. I suppose it's my life and they should be happy for me.

I try and improve myself and am constantly reading about things like meditation and natural supplements for anxiety and also changing my thought processes. And motivational books aswell. I'd like to think I come across as an interesting person but unfortunately my anxious brain is hampering my life.

Another prevalent thought which haunts me is about the past. How many years of my teenage days and college days I wasted playing video games and watching porn instead of meeting people, joining clubs and growing as a person.. I had some great times with friends and my ex among all the days of repetitive video game playing and porn watching but I always think how I'll never get them back.

I'm 24 now which obviously isn't old but some would say I should be way more confident in myself by this age and should have a lot more experience with the opposite sex rather than 1 sexual partner and a host of drunken fumbles that never went anywhere. I've a lot of improvement to make.

OP, mindfulness and meditation is all about changing your perspective on things. When I was in counselling- I have anxiety too- my counsellor helped me to counter every negative thought with a positive one. If you can afford it, or if there's a free/low-cost one, then I really would recommend you go. Literally changed my life.

So look at the positives- you're saying you find it too stressful to join clubs etc, but fecking hell, you went to South America by yourself! Don't underestimate what an achievement that is. I flew to Oz alone, and I had people meeting me on the other side, and lots of people were acting like I'd decided to go on Scott's expedition to the Antarctic. Do you know how many people have to have someone with them to go to the shop, never mind to another continent?

You can change things around. I'd recommend a cinema or theatre meet-up. Plenty of people slope off after a drink or two. You already have a topic of conversation. Once you get a bit more used to meet ups you could try other interests that require more interaction.

As for girls- well clearly, they find you attractive. You just need to be able to relate to them sober. And here's the most important thing- always remember that the girl you're talking to is just another person, with thoughts and feelings, like you. Women are human! Once you remember that, it will be easier to talk to them.

The past is the past now. Of course you have your regrets, but don't let them rule over now.