I don't know if I want to be part of this any more

In Lonesome Dove

I grew up in a situation where my mother has Irish Mammy Sydrome. My brothers were golden boys and me any my sister were evil in her eyes.

We're all grown up now and my sister and my brothers emirgrated for work. I'm the only one left at home due to a job I have. If it wasn't for that I'd say I'd be long gone myself.

It's a lot easier at home now that my brothers are gone although my mother is just dying for the day that they come home.

When one of my brothers left home a few years ago, he applied distance in that contact home was limited and sparse. A year went by where my mother only heard from him once. At a guess, he was just happy to be free.

That changed earlier in the year. He rang home and he rang home a few times more. He even rang me a few times for chats. Reason being his partner is pregnant and they due to have a baby. I was delighted when I heard this news. I wished him and his partner the very best. I was asked to be godmother to baby this summer. I was thrilled.

Baby isn't born yet but will be very soon.

I don't know if I want to be part of this any more though. I think I want out.

My mothers relationship with my brothers is just too toxic. Even with miles be between us and much time where distance was applied, she's never going to change. When photos come, my mother will run around in a frenzy fawning over my brother. I see trouble ahead too. The baby will be used as an excuse to send my brother a package of boxer shorts and socks from pennies and dunnes, probably just to humiliate him in front of his partner and my mother will know what she is doing is wrong and will probably stick my name on such a package. I trouble ahead for the Christening in that my mother will never be accepting of my brothers partner.

I don't want to be part in any of this.

Chattastrophe!

I think it's normal for people to get excited about their first grandchild. And I don't see anything particularly weird or humiliating about a mother giving her son little presents like novelty socks and boxers. However if her behaviour really bothers you that much, maybe it's time to consider moving out.

CaraMay

Are you still living under her roof?

Mr. Incognito

You seem to have a lot of issues with your Mom- I don't see why you would take that out on your brother, his partner and his kid.

Let your Mom be herself and you be yourself.

I am not sure what you mean by not being a part of it anymore?

Any active steps to disassociate with your family will be seen as your issue and not your mothers fault and rightly so imo.

So your mother treated the boys differently. At some stage you have to get over that and live your own life rather than expecting her to change

Rubberchikken

your mom will never change, not at this stage.
but you can. you can change how you see and deal with her. if you're at home, would you consider moving out. sometimes the best thing in relationships like this is space.

be godmother to your neice/nephew. it's a lovely thing to be asked to do. take part in whatever is involved and do it with a smile on your face.
in time, you'll accept your mother's ways.
m not saying she's right, it's just the way she is.

take care

Chattastrophe!

I can't help but detect a hint of jealousy. You're the unappreciated daughter keeping your mother company all this time, and suddenly your brother turns up and starts making contact out of the blue - and all of your mother's attention is going to be on your brother, and on his new family, and admiring the baby photos, and sending presents to them. And you feel a bit resentful that the attention is going to him and his family, rather than to you, when you're the one who's been there for her all along, and not just doing annual phone calls.

I really get the impression that the problem is on your side - you need to cut the apron strings a bit - live your own life in your own home. You don't need to be part of a "unit" with your mother all your life. There's no reason for it. You talk about your siblings basically escaping - no reason in the world that you can't do the same. The reason you're still there is because you still want (need?) to be there.

No need to cut ties with your mother. No need to cut ties with your brother and his family. You can all live happy lives, with lots of interaction - but with a bit of independence from each other.

Moving out and starting your own life would do you a lot of good, in my opinion. And might even make your relationship with your mother a lot better and closer and happier.

Stavro Mueller

I think you're creating drama where there is none. Your biggest problem is that you're living too close to your mother and this non-issue is just making you more resentful. Living under your mother's roof is not doing you any good at all. Is there any reason, other than financial, why you've not left home? Have you tried to find another job that will pay better? Tried looking in other parts of the country so you definitely have to move?

What your mother does or sends to your brother is between her and him. I'm not seeing why sending him boxer shorts and socks from Penneys is such a bad thing to do or will embarrass him? I'm sure your brother has filled in his partner on exactly what she's like. If you're so bothered about your mother writing your name on presents, why not tell her you'll get him your own gift and to just put her name on it?

Be the child's godmother, form a relationship with it by visiting by yourself. You and your mother aren't a unit and you need to step away from this.

Meauldsegosha

OP did you post on this issue previously? Something about a birthday or Christmas card for your brother?

I agree with the other posters you seem to be creating a drama where there is none. Be godmother to your niece and enjoy it for what it is.

If your relationship with your mother is this fraught you should move out.

Big Bag of Chips

In Lonesome Dove wrote: »

The baby will be used as an excuse to send my brother a package of boxer shorts and socks from pennies and dunnes, probably just to humiliate him in front of his partner and my mother will know what she is doing is wrong and will probably stick my name on such a package.

There's a good bit of "probably" in that sentence, and to be honest none of it makes sense. If your brother is the golden child, as you think, why would your mother do something just to humiliate him? Why is throwing in a few bits and pieces for her son into a parcel she's sending for her grandchild wrong?

It is clear you are very frustrated with your life and situation at the moment, and you are seeing everything as a negative or worse as an attack or affront to you. Sorry to disappoint you, but in general people are too wrapped up in their own lives to consider others too much!

If you are unhappy with how your life is turning out, then you are the only one who can change it. Sitting around looking for perceived snubs, or digs at you, or negatives in very normal everyday things serves no purpose but to make you bitter. Everyone else is happy enough getting on with their lives. You are only making you miserable. And the only way I can see that changing is by living your life the way you want to, not feeling the martyr because everyone else "escaped" and you're stuck at home.

Your mother sounds mildly annoying, from your point of view, but if you weren't in each others' pockets then you might find her little ways less annoying and you could have a nicer relationship with her. She's not going to change. So you either stay there getting older and more bitter, or you move on and then you can control the level of contact you have with her. Everything she does annoys you. If you had a bit of space from her then she would annoy you less.

eviltwin

What you are describing is quite common OP, there was a very interesting thread about it on the Ladies Lounge a while back where a lot of posters mentioned a similar experience. It might be worth having a look at it.

I know personally what you are going through because my own mother was the same, one son in particular is her golden child and the rest of us are huge disappointments. Its not nice and it hurts and its frustrating but there is very little you can do to change it. Its especially hard when you are living at home and seeing it in close quarters. Maybe now is the time to move out and find your own space where you can have a bit of emotional distance. It doesn't make everything better but it does help.

Re your brother and his partner, well if your mother won't accept her and you feel she may use the baby to get at them, as unfortunate as that is there is not much you can do about it. That is your brothers issue to sort out. You can't do it for him. Don't get involved, be there for him and his partner but take a back seat from that drama or you risk morphing into your mother by trying to sort out his life. He doesn't need you to do that. Know your boundries and do think about moving out.

freshpopcorn

Seems like a regular Irish family to me to be honest!
Growing up your mam might have being closer you your brothers that you. Sometimes mammies feels the boys need a little more attention than girls, sometimes they do and others times they don't Not all mothers are like this but some are.
Most mothers I know who have children abroad want them to be working in Ireland and close to them.
As for her sending a package that's her just having a bit of fun. I don't really see the harm in it really.
You don't know how the christening is going to go yet. (I've often heard of families have little figths at weddings,baptism's, communion's, conformations, funeral's, etc)( It happens and it might be a little bit of drama but people generally leave it go and forget about it) She might get on with your brothers partner or she might not. Often if things are rocky at the beginning they tend to mellow down after a while.

Tokyo

Hi In Lonesome Dove,

It has come to our attention that you have posted on the subject of your relationship with your mother and brothers multiple times now, and you have received the same advice repeatedly, which you seemingly ignore. As you can see from some of the responses here already, other posters also recollect your other threads on this, and are getting somewhat understandably agitated by the fact that you don't seem to be willing to take any advice from the responses they have taken the time to give you.

The fact that you have registered two accounts for this purpose, and have also used the anonymous posting facility to post on this same topic follow a pattern that I and the other moderators find concerning, as this kind of repetitive posting at best illustrates that you aren't really taking any of the advice offered onboard, and at worst it could be considered attention whoring, which is in breach of the forum charter as you should know by now.

I am closing this thread, and insist that you take the time to read the forum charter and familiarise yourself with it, and to allow a reasonable period of time to elapse before posting in PI again and to not post on this topic - advice on that issue has already been given, multiple times. Otherwise the next step will be a forum ban. I would suggest that you use this time to seek out some professional help on this matter, as I do believe that this is a genuine issue for you, however it is apparently something more than the Personal Issues forum is equipped to help you with.

regards,
Mike