Why am I reacting like this?

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this.
Mid thirties, love my job, love my life, have got couple of good friends I can talk to, over all happy girl...but..

I've been in long term up to early last year, didn't make sense, there was no love or intimacy, just companionship and some sort of friendship. It ended. I was happy,even though it ended only because I discovered he cheated. Only for this I don't know how long would I be stuck in that rut. But it ended.

In the aftermath I dated few guys. I kept saying I wasn't looking for anything serious but ladies we all know how we end up, hoping that this is the one...It was possibly a series of rebounds for me. Year after becoming single I decided, i've had enough, not looking for guy, will try to take care of me first, learn to be on my own.

Then I fell for someone, I didn't see it coming. It was passionate, intense, romantic...I fell for him hard. Then inevitable happened, it was all my fault, I've got so involved, I let it show...He wasn't ready. This thing ended too. Hurt like hell. I know it was coz it ended during that silly honeymoon period. It's been three months since and I should be over it, I almost am. Still hurting little bit but I will be fine.

What I am observing now is the complete lack of interest in guys. They annoy me alot actually... It's very new, never felt like this before, usually after couple of months I start to look around and appreciate all the eye candy. This time I am just not interested, annoyed with men. if I see any of them displaying any interest in me it just makes me angry... Anyone else felt like this during their single days?..It feels like I have no feelings left, I feel hollow...

Sorry for long post.Thank you for reading.

Rubberchikken

are you grieving for a love you thought you had and then lost? anger could be part of this process. peed off because you put time and effort into something that didn't pan out.
as you say, you're coming around and maybe in another short while you'll emerge stronger and ready to look around again.
if you felt the anger wasn't healing or that it was getting stronger, maybe a chat with your gp would help.

take care.

LegacyUser

Anger is not getting stronger for sure (thankfully!).

I feel i am becoming so comfortable with my independence and being single over all that any thought of getting into anything with a guy over whelms me. have I become a commitment phobe? I do feel though when looking at other couples that I wouldn't like to be in their skin, I feel sorry for them and get slight panic attack thinking of myself in the same situation. Hyperventilating almost.

Reason it surprises me is that I was in couple of month thing with someone last year and the fact I was going out with him didn't bother me, I did commit. Same with the recent thing...

I would imagine it must be some sort of grieving process. I don't think I ever loved in my life, so possibly I felt something this time, hence why it hit me so strong? Thoughts?

shalalala

I am at this point too op. My longest relationship ended a couple of months ago and I am no closer in getting over it. I have dated a few guys but feel nothing but annoyance.

I think it will come in time. I hope it will come in time. Be good to yourself and relax x

berrygood

Same here OP. Heart took a bit of a knock recently and (while I notice men I find attractive) I'm just feeling meh. I genuinely feel like I'm done with any and all romantic love related things. I think I'd rather just close off my heart than risk the pain again. Maybe I'll feel differently in a few months but right now, I'm just putting my all into myself.

You're not alone anyway. Allow yourself to feel what you're feeling and when you're ready, you'll know it.

Buona Fortuna

OneExtremeToAnother wrote: »

What I am observing now is the complete lack of interest in guys. They annoy me alot actually...

We are very annoying - my wife tells me so.

Seriously OP, relax (easy to say), be comfortable in your own skin. It will happen soon enough.

I think you have fallen harder this time because it was the closest to the real thing as you say above. Look after yourself and it will happen.

Take care OP

LegacyUser

Thank you for words of wisdom.., really appreciate it.

Definitely going to take serious time for myself. There are always underlying issues that influence the way one might feel about the relationships. In my case having being cheated on in the LTR, and by rejected (it's how it felt) in this recent thing doesn't make it any easier...

I suppose to me this phase of getting over feels strange and fairly new so thought I will put it out there, see other's insight on it. Thanks a million guys..

LegacyUser

berrygood wrote: »

I think I'd rather just close off my heart than risk the pain again. Maybe I'll feel differently in a few months but right now, I'm just putting my all into myself.

You're not alone anyway. Allow yourself to feel what you're feeling and when you're ready, you'll know it.

I am relating to this so much, at the same time sending virtual hugs to you. Defence mechanism is an expression I was looking for actually, must be it. Closing off the heart and the feelings not to be hurt again...

Kind of feels like it will last for the rest of my life...And I kind of feel meh about it.

berrygood

OneExtremeToAnother wrote: »

I am relating to this so much, at the same time sending virtual hugs to you. Defence mechanism is an expression I was looking for actually, must be it. Closing off the heart and the feelings not to be hurt again...

Kind of feels like it will last for the rest of my life...And I kind of feel meh about it.

Hugs right back at you, kitten.

It does feel a bit like it will last forever, doesn't it? Like you, it's been 3 months and while most of the time I feel okay with the situation, there are times when I feel like ****. When I feel like **** I find I'm less inclined to want to ever go there again. I really hope it does pass! Don't want to feel this way forever. It just felt like it could have been a forever thing with this guy which is why I'm finding it so hard.

I have to say, I'm finding reading is helping. Nothing like losing yourself in another world for a few hours to forget about everything.

xElDeeX

OneExtremeToAnother wrote: »

I am relating to this so much, at the same time sending virtual hugs to you. Defence mechanism is an expression I was looking for actually, must be it. Closing off the heart and the feelings not to be hurt again...

Kind of feels like it will last for the rest of my life...And I kind of feel meh about it.

I ended LTR in early January and it was late May before I could even look at a bloke without feeling ill. That bit has passed! It's not that I'm exactly lighting up the dating world or anything but I'm starting to think about possibly maybe giving them another go...sometime.

I would be way more worried if you were dying to get back on the horse (ahem) at any cost!

LegacyUser

I felt nothing after my LTR ended. Back then I did get back on the horse fairy quickly (ehem), wanted to get out of the house and see what's out there.

Hearing all the real heartbreak stories makes me feel so lousy feeling sorry for myself when people hurt so much after lot more than the silly fling as in my case.

Thank you so much for your input guys. Berrygood this phase will pass.Thank you for sharing your story here.

House of Blaze

I would be fairly similar myself.

Was engaged to a girl who I was together with for about 4 years which ended badly with me treating her like **** due and her cheating as a result.

Afterwards it took me so long to even get myself into a place where I could think about another relationship. When I finally did decide that hey, maybe I could try again with someone else and wouldn't be so bad, I ended up meeting an absolutely brilliant, lovely girl.

Unfortunately at this stage, after about 6 years since I broke up with my fiance I honestly just couldn't get into the relationship. Found myself wishing I single again and couldn't really enjoy it as I am so used to my own company now at this stage.

There were other reasons that I decided to end the 6 month relationship that I tried out but one of the big ones was that I found myself no longer willing to put up with all that accompanies a relationship. Found myself feeling bizarrely restricted even though it was a long distance type of arrangement.

The shame of it all was that she really was a lovely amazing girl, so much so that It wouldn't have been fair to do anything but break up.

So now I'm back single and 100% completely fine with it. I had thought I needed a relationship, or that I should start looking since I turned 30 but the reality of it is that I am just a better happier person on my own, and now I know that for sure.

LegacyUser

Its amazing to hear the guys point of view. What bothers me most these days is that the guys are happy to go for a casual, hence anytime I come across a guy I might be remotely interested in that defence mechanism kicks in, I'd say it's because I am convinced that this guy is exactly same as the rest of them...

So I appreciate man's honest point of view. I just wonder where is the future of humanity headed for if we (both males and females) are no longer able to or willing to commit... (Heavy stuff ha)

House of Blaze

In fairness i'd say people like me would be the exception to the rule.

I was only ever in the one relationship and it ended up being such an omnishambles that it basically put me off forever!

I'm sure that most people bounce back a lot faster than a few years after a bad relationship, or aren't as good at being on their own as I would be.

Most people tend to see a relationship as a requirement of feeling normal, being validated as a person, or perceived as being such. Many others just get lonely and wish for companionship.

Since I don't really get lonely and don't place my value as a person in terms of having someone else on my arm, it puts me at a big advantage when it comes to being single.

I only ever had a couple of one night stands when I was just broken up from the ex so that was going back about five years since the last one.

In fact before my last short relationship I hadn't had sex in about four or five years from the age of 25-26 to 29. While I had / have a high sex drive with previous partners I basically em.. satisfy my own needs and that's basically grand for me.

So what i'm saying is, is that i'm probably just a bit weird!

Humanity will more than likely keep ticking over though.

berrygood

OneExtremeToAnother wrote: »

I felt nothing after my LTR ended. Back then I did get back on the horse fairy quickly (ehem), wanted to get out of the house and see what's out there.

Hearing all the real heartbreak stories makes me feel so lousy feeling sorry for myself when people hurt so much after lot more than the silly fling as in my case.

Thank you so much for your input guys. Berrygood this phase will pass.Thank you for sharing your story here.

Quality over quantity. My thing wasn't very long. Some people just hit you harder than others. And they're just harder to get over.

These things do pass. I think I'll always care for him but it will get easier to deal with. I was half thinking of asking a friend to set me up but I'm just not there yet and it wouldn't be fair to the other person. For now, I think the best thing for me is to just try and be happy by myself. Gonna take up some hobbies and focus on the rest of the year. 2015 ain't far off, let's hope it'll be better than 2014!!

Dark Phoenix

totally understandable OP.I was with someone for ten years and we broke up in february. There hasn't been anyone since then and to be honest that doesn't bother me I just feel a bit dead and numb when it comes to men now like ive lost interest completely. The thoughts of getting to know someone and then having to deal with those awful first few weeks / months when you dont really know them and are not sure what they think or feel just makes me think 'meh - too much effort'. Will I be like this forever who knows but I am concentrating on myself for now and I dont want to be concentrating on someone else.

Give yourself time OP its natural to feel off after a break up. Besides no one ever said people had to be in a relationship, if you are happy by yourself then just allow yourself to be.

shalalala

I think what makes it worse for me is the apparent need of the man to move on straight away (apart from the poster above). I think if I didn't feel that I was alone in the mourning of a relationship then I wouldn't feel as bad.

OP try and keep yourself busy, get new hobbies, make new friends, try not to give yourself time to think about him. Hopefully it will be better soon

Dark Phoenix

a lot of men might move on physically straight away but that doesn't mean they are not emotionally mourning something. I've no idea if my ex did this but I would expect he did as he was that type. I can't gripe about that as I had the opportunity to do the same had I wanted to and its not what I wanted or needed. To be fair iv'e also known women who followed the same train of thought i.e. get with someone else as soon as you can.

Also as you can thankfully see from this thread not every man is the same when it comes to a relationship ending either.

sureitsgrand

Guy here. First proper relationship and first proper heartbreak last year. Can tell you I've felt the exact same way. Complete disinterest in girls be they hot and/or sound. A year later I'm only starting to stop comparing everyone to 'her'. Keep moving in the right direction OP!