Did i Overreact?

LegacyUser

I'm in my early 30's, I’ve had a “casual” thing going with a guy (Mr. A) for 6 months or so, mostly sexual. We would go 2-3 weeks sometimes without chatting or texting, lately though we've been seeing/texting each other a lot.
Met up today, things were great, told him about house party i'm going to tomorrow and that a mutual friend of ours is going too (Mr.B). On my way home Mr A text me to say that he'd met Mr.B and he said he was really looking forward to said party because he thinks he has a 'shot'.

I asked him which one of my friends Mr.B was interested in, told me it wasn't one of my mates but me. So Mr.B asked Mr.A if he minded if he 'tried it on' with me. To which Mr.A replied "Go ahead, work away"

I kind of flipped, fu*ked him out of it for offering me around to his friends like i'm some slapper. Mr.A said he was only pulling the piss out of his mate and i should calm down and relax.

1. Did i overreact?
2. Is it just a piss pull, and should i see it as that and laugh too?
3. Do i have every right to feel hurt and insulted?
Or 4. Just get over it!

Tigger99

Him telling you Mr B thinks he had a shot is beyond disrespectful. Doesn't even matter about the rest. Get out. Fwb is grand, but ffs do you really want to be sexual with a guy that is being so creepy. Two possibilities. He sees you as a plaything or badly misjudged it and was actually trying to see if you have feelings for him by mentioning Mr. B.

However the simplest answer is usually the right one.

strobe

You're obviously not OK with it being a 'casual' thing so. Best wrap things up. I'd say you over reacted, yeah, others would disagree, but the main point is the first two sentences there.

CaraMay

It was a nasty 'joke' but then again I don't agree with f. buddy situations for this exact reason - lack of respect for the person you are shagging. Mr A doesn't respect you unfortunately.

Luke92

Mr A has obviously been telling his mates that he has this thing with you. So out of respect Mr B asked was it okay if he tried it on with you. He didn't need to ask, but as he did he knew Mr A and you had a thing going and he must have known it wasn't too serious.

Mr A had 2 choices here. He either says no don't as we're getting a bit serious or what he said yeah go right ahead. If Mr B had of got it on with you, I don't think you would have ever seen Mr A again.

This is something men do, if my friend was with a girl even just as fook buddys, I wouldn't go near her as most women I'm sure are the same. Its a respect thing really. If I had an acquaintance whom wasn't really my friend and I knew had a casual agreement with you then as Mr B done, I would ask Mr A.

Its just something most men would do. If you found it disrespectful well then that's your opinion. Most would say Mr B was an alright guy for asking Mr A as some people would have tried it on with you regardless of situation.

Ask Mr A why he said that Mr B could have a shot. Tell him how you really felt and ask him how he really feels. It sounds like you thought it was getting serious. He shouldn't have approved another man to try it on with you if you were getting serious.

Big Bag of Chips

Are you annoyed because you thought things were getting serious between you? Or are you annoyed because you think he was sort of pimping you out?

I don't think he meant it in a sharing you around kind of way. He didn't walk up to the friend out of the blue and offer him "a go". The friend approached him and asked was it ok to go after you. And just because he said it was ok doesn't mean you had to actually end up with this fella.. You're allowed say no!

He doesn't own you. You're not going out together. He doesn't really have any right to stop another fella trying it on with you. Maybe fella B thought he was doing the right thing by checking with him, and maybe fella A thought he had no right to tell him to back off.

I don't think it was meant in as sordid or crude a way as you are making it out to be.

I think you over reacted.

Buona Fortuna

Do you know I agree with Chips on this up to a point. That makes me a bit nutty because I can sort of see both sides.:o

I don't think you over reacted.

Should you see it as a laugh? There are things I find funny and unfunny. I imagine you are the same over different things. Its almost what makes us who we are. We don't all laugh at the same things.

Do you have the right to feel hurt? You see I think this comes from the whole FWB thing, which is fine all the time we're all on the same page and everyone involved wants the same thing.

I think that yours and Mr A's expectations over this relationship are different.

If the whole FWB is grand so for the both of you then the "joke" was on the other guy.

If its not then it is kind of a joke on you.

diveout

Maybe you did over react but I don't like the tone or context of how he is talking about you. It really does sound like he is treating you like property, as in this other guy is asking him if he can borrow his car or something like that. It's disrespectful to your personhood and autonomy.

nc19

Maybe MrA wanted to know your reaction to see how serious you were about him cos he wants things to progress?????

njs030

Yes I think you did overreact. It's a casual thing and it sounds more like stupidity than maliciousness. I disagree with the poster who said casual means a lack of respect- it doesn't if both people are happy with how things are.


I doubt he was telling you to see your reaction, it's more likely he told you in passing, not realising that it might sound very cold! It's not really passing you around, more that he's letting someone who likes you know that he has no relationship 'claim', that basically you're a free agent.

If it bothers you that he's telling people you're not an item maybe the arrangement isn't what you want deep down? In that case you should tell him or walk away.

amdublin

For me it would be upsetting to hear that someone I was dating (Mr A) did not mind me being with someone else.

Personally, I could be totally wrong, but I think this is Mr A's (very weird) way of telling you that you are not important to him.

Is he important to you? Because if he is, but treats you like this, I fear you are going to get hurt.

My advice is get out now.

LegacyUser

Cheers for all the feedback, believe me i don't want a relationship with this guy, casual suits me. We both work nights and live in different counties so the arrangement works for us both.

I did think that he just told me to see what my reaction was, he had sent me a text during the week asking who my new man was because he hadn't heard for me (No one else BTW). And he has shown me a jealous side when it comes to me talking to some of my guy friends. He is a whirlwind of emotional confusion and i don't really want to be caught up in it.

osarusan

If it is a casual thing, then you aren't really his to 'offer' around.

Maybe be was caught in an awkward position when asked by Mr. B - if he says that Mr. B shouldn't try it on, then he's implying there is some kind of relationship between you (beyong fwb) which he might think isn't there, or which he thinks you don't think is there.

If he'd said something along the lines of the two of you being in a relationship, how would you have reacted?

Or, if Ms. B had asked you if she could try to make something happen with Mr. A, what do you think would be the appropriate response?

I think that confusion about what exactly your relationship is, and how much 'right' he has to declare you off-limits to anybody else, is more likely than him being willing to pass you round like you're a slapper.

danois

Maybe he was afraid you wanted to start a relationship and this is his messed up way of reminding you things are casual between you.

I know u say u don't want a relationship but if you are texting more and seeing each other more maybe he thought you were developing feelings.

I think if you were in a relationship and that's how he spoke then you would have a right to be angry but in this situation I don't think the bloke done anything wrong.

ash23

Something like this happened with me few years back with a fwb.

This guy I'd been seeing casually basically told me his friend liked me and asked me if he'd be in with a chance.

I didn't like it but I couldn't really put my finger on why. It just made me really uncomfortable that they may have been speaking about me. I've heard some guys talk about girls they're with, not necessarily in a derogatory way but it made me feel really uneasy that he was ao blatant about discussing it with his mates.

I dunno op, I don't think you've a right to be angry with him but I can see why you reacted the way you did. I think it's the lack of discretion that would bother me.

Virgil°

Yeah i think you overreacted OP. The guy was put in a position with a limited set of available responses.

1. We're in a relationship
2. We're not in a relationship but i'd prefer if you didn't.
3. We're not in a relationship , knock yourself out.
4. Refuse to talk about it.(Which would be interpreted as 2 by most people).

So what exactly would you have had this guy say? How exactly was he giving you away? As mentioned you have the right to refuse, he can't exactly sell you on.
You describe this guy as an emotional rollercoaster but honestly you don't sound entirely tranquil yourself. I think your best bet is to leave this situation be and not see this guy anymore.

kylith

OH the only concern I would have is that, knowing the type of relationship you have with Mr. A, Mr. B thinks that he would be able to enter into the same kind of relationship with you. If he said the would 'try it on' because he thinks he 'has a shot' I wouldn't think he's after a meaningful long term relationship.

Holsten

Yes you did overreact, but this situation is complicated as these setups usually are.

He could have said that to see what your reaction to the second guy trying it on with you would be... will you brush him off or go with the flow?

He could have completely mean't it and doesn't give a crap about you, simply using you for sex.

You got annoyed as you have or are currently developing feelings/attachments for this man. Sit down and have a conversation like adults to see what the story is, or stop seeing each other.