Broke up with my Love because of love.

Eir3

Now, ive been in relationships before, long and short, and ive loved some of them girs before too. This girlfriend ive had for a year i genuinely truly love. But i broke up with her. She didnt want to break up but i did it anyways. Im 3 years in college and shes going into her first year this year, we work together and spend alot of time together. But lately weve been getting more on each others nerves more than anything and I know your guna say its partly her fault but it really really wasnt. Its all my fault. Ive been depressed for a long time and have been getting random serious mood swings since i was a kid. I would be good to her one min and then just downright mean the next. But i love her alot and she was up for a relationship in her first year of college. But i broke up with her because i cant really pull myself out of inertia, depression and my mood swings, i think its a personal mental problem but i never fully talked to anyone about it or followed up appointments about it because of the inertia. She looked after me better than anyone. I got kicked out of my house, fell out with my family and dropped out of college this year. And now ive lost the one thing that still just wanted to love me. She really did i cant fault a single thing shes ever done and im not just saying that. Shes though me more in a year than anyone else and loved me when i needed it most. But i broke up with her because i don't want to hurt her anymore, because in 1st year in college she shouldn't have a depressed boyfriend holding her back. I had a few drinks in me when i said it to her and ever since the feeling of being broke up ive realized I took her for granted like i do with everything else.i cant seem to cope well when i feel so alone. Dropping out of college and losing everything was manageable, but losing her was the last straw i can cope with. I know life moves on and ill go out on the scene and things will pick up but i dont want that because the only reason i lost her was cause of my own faults and I want to treat her like i should have all this time. I want to work hard and earn her back. FYI the breakup only happened yesterday, but because ive done it against her will she said if i choose to break up that that will be the end of it for good because if we hang onto each other she said would be harder for us. Shes done some amazing things for me and ive never showed my thanks. I simply cant do this atm i just cant go on its a horrible feeling and i feel ashamed in myself that i cant figure out myself at all. i do want whats best for her, but i know i can be whats best for her too if i try.

Thanks for reading it was hard to write and ive so much i could say but i dont want to waste your time any further.

strobe

Eir3 wrote: »

Now, ive been in relationships before, long and short, and ive loved some of them girs before too. This girlfriend ive had for a year i genuinely truly love. But i broke up with her. She didnt want to break up but i did it anyways. Im 3 years in college and shes going into her first year this year, we work together and spend alot of time together. But lately weve been getting more on each others nerves more than anything and I know your guna say its partly her fault but it really really wasnt. Its all my fault. Ive been depressed for a long time and have been getting random serious mood swings since i was a kid. I would be good to her one min and then just downright mean the next. But i love her alot and she was up for a relationship in her first year of college. But i broke up with her because i cant really pull myself out of inertia, depression and my mood swings, i think its a personal mental problem but i never fully talked to anyone about it or followed up appointments about it because of the inertia. She looked after me better than anyone. I got kicked out of my house, fell out with my family and dropped out of college this year. And now ive lost the one thing that still just wanted to love me. She really did i cant fault a single thing shes ever done and im not just saying that. Shes though me more in a year than anyone else and loved me when i needed it most. But i broke up with her because i don't want to hurt her anymore, because in 1st year in college she shouldn't have a depressed boyfriend holding her back. I had a few drinks in me when i said it to her and ever since the feeling of being broke up ive realized I took her for granted like i do with everything else.i cant seem to cope well when i feel so alone. Dropping out of college and losing everything was manageable, but losing her was the last straw i can cope with. I know life moves on and ill go out on the scene and things will pick up but i dont want that because the only reason i lost her was cause of my own faults and I want to treat her like i should have all this time. I want to work hard and earn her back. FYI the breakup only happened yesterday, but because ive done it against her will she said if i choose to break up that that will be the end of it for good because if we hang onto each other she said would be harder for us. Shes done some amazing things for me and ive never showed my thanks. I simply cant do this atm i just cant go on its a horrible feeling and i feel ashamed in myself that i cant figure out myself at all. i do want whats best for her, but i know i can be whats best for her too if i try.

Thanks for reading it was hard to write and ive so much i could say but i dont want to waste your time any further.

You talk about inertia but it didn't stop you making this post. So you CAN over come it. You just did. Small steps and the first ones the hardest. Get into counselling man. Contact Aware.ie too. They're good at what they do. As soon as you've read the last word in this post go and do it. Do it now.

After your first session get in contact with her and tell her what you've said here. Go onto aware and go sort out counselling now while you're in the sorting **** out mode.

When you've that done contact her and tell her what you've said here.

Last word in this post.

catonthewire

Hi,

Before you try to sort out the relationship breakup, please speak to a Doctor about your mood swings and depression...
It is obvious that you need someone to talk too, and only a professional can help....
Then contact this girl, explain to her how you have been feeling, your problems ect...
Hopefully, she will understand and help you sort your life out...
But, for now , please seek help....

Eir3

I had to go see a psychiatrist before but missed a meeting and havent followed up since. Apparently to them if im not harming others or myself im grand. Im going on that aware.ie now, but i dont believe anybody else will help me im sorry. Im forcing myself to not contact her and give her space but an entire year with not a days break from each other is difficult. Thanks for your responses. Im not sure how to on about things

catonthewire

Eir3 wrote: »

I had to go see a psychiatrist before but missed a meeting and havent followed up since. Apparently to them if im not harming others or myself im grand. Im going on that aware.ie now, but i dont believe anybody else will help me im sorry. Im forcing myself to not contact her and give her space but an entire year with not a days break from each other is difficult. Thanks for your responses. Im not sure how to on about things

Go back to your GP and insist on a referal with a new Pyscharatrist...
Be totally honest , write everything down and bring it along to your appointment...
You can and will.get help, but it means you being open and honest..

Eir3

Well i dont feel any better ive just been told to get professional help, professional help isnt going to win her back or how i show go about it, this is a relationship issues thread not personal, i cant sort everything out in my life with motivation from winning her back, thats what i want at this moment in time. I just want that one thing back in my life to make things ok.

catonthewire

Eir3 wrote: »

Well i dont feel any better ive just been told to get professional help, professional help isnt going to win her back or how i show go about it, this is a relationship issues thread not personal, i cant sort everything out in my life with motivation from winning her back, thats what i want at this moment in time. I just want that one thing back in my life to make things ok.

Yes I can understand how you feel, but, you admit that your mood swings and depression , have led to a breakdown in your relationship...
Can you see why it is important that you seek professional help, eventualy you will feel more emotionaly able to deal with the breakup....
There is nothing to say, this girl won't consider a future with you, but she deserves to know why you behaved in the past..
Plus, and this is a huge plus, you deserve a better future, one that sees you in good mental health....

Penny Tration

Eir3 wrote: »

Well i dont feel any better ive just been told to get professional help, professional help isnt going to win her back or how i show go about it, this is a relationship issues thread not personal, i cant sort everything out in my life with motivation from winning her back, thats what i want at this moment in time. I just want that one thing back in my life to make things ok.

What about wanting to be mentally healthy for YOU, not her?

To be completely honest, you're not mentally able for a relationship right now. You had the aawareness to realise this and end it, so well done on that.

But treatment has to be for you, not her.

You say you want advice on winning her back, but I don't think you should try. Nothing has changed since you ended it. You need to get better for your own sake, and you can't expect her to wait around until then.

Eir3

Im not that bad like :L weve had a great relationship, weve have unbelievable times together and we meshed into one, i just made a stupid mistake and want to fix it. Im mentally able for anything i can do anything i put my mind to, i just didnt realize what i had until it was gone. We work together, so i am guna try and piece things up over time.

Idle Passerby

I think trying to win her back the day after dumping her would be messing with her head. She made it clear that if you wanted to break up it would be for good. Dont mess her around.

If you broke up with her to have the mental space to sort out your personal problems follow through with that and leave her alone until you are in a better place.

You would only be playing games to dump her one day and then turn around to say you've changed your mind even though the reasons for breaking up in the first place have not changed.

Bafucin

I have been where you are a few times. Sometimes I don't realize when I am draining someone or being a user.

I think it's because I have so much emotional stuff to deal with that I just need help and instead of doing that in a positive way I end up being vampiric.

This is actually the least selfish thing you have done. I have used girls and others as crutches and believe it or not some of them still wanted to be my friend and be there for me after. There are some truly amazing people out there and you don't have to be in a relationship with them to have their support.

Sometimes providing reasons for people can be well draining. And if you are vulnerable that way you feel you need to look after you.

i do want whats best for her, but i know i can be whats best for her too if i try.

You need to be what is best for you not her. And only she knows what is best for her.

I have been the mixed up douche ( I am not saying that you are at all OP you don't come across that way at all but I WAS at times not deliberately though) and I sometimes let relationships with amazing wonderful people sustain me and let them fizzle rather than deal with emotions or my negative behaviors to that person. I am really sorry about that now.I have to fix myself I cannot just take from relationships. I need to be the right kind of selfish.

Don't overly focus on the relationships aspect of your life. It means that you are expecting to 'fix you'. I have done that over and over. And there are lots of women who will do that. That's the problem. Usually the best ones.

Please continue to see a professional you sound like a wonderful person.

Eir3

Thanks Bafucin, Your post was the most helpful! To all your surprise she took me back on a casual basis, we can see others but we still have a relationship relationship. Which i think is a good call because its not as stressful and gives us an element of freedom instead of either completely away from each other or back to a suffocating relationship. I applied for lots of jobs and have some interviews soon, the breakup really gave me a certain amount of motivation to go do things for myself. Im too proud to see a professional, i also dont think they will believe me like i mentioned before if im not suicidal or harmful. My girlf is going to first year college, im not sure if shes hanging on so shes not lonely for it or she wants to give me a chance, but wither way things will ease between us and the sudden pain of a breakup is no longer, just a small ripple in the stomach remains. Most people say on/off relationships dont work, but i know some that gt married or have really close relationships also. Now that i have her at least on the other end of the line I can start working on myself to be a better person. Leaving college and getting kicked out isnt the end of the world, but it just does be hard which is the right road to go and what feelings and thoughts are the right ones but i guess thats life. If anybody has any advice on what way i should go about treating her? Do i try and get myself back to we wer before the bickering and unhappiness? Do i relax into the relationship or be energetic and buzzy and have the craic, or both? what not to do? how do i keep someone who took me back for as long as i can? Presumably telling her that we need space and to not contact would be silly as shes in galway atm for college and is lonely. Any advicw would be great thanks!

Penny Tration

This set up you have going on now sounds as though it'll only further damage you, OP.

Do you really think it's going to work when she'll be happily dating/sleeping with other people?

Eir3

green_screen wrote: »

This set up you have going on now sounds as though it'll only further damage you, OP.

Do you really think it's going to work when she'll be happily dating/sleeping with other people?

I thought about that, but on the Flipside, im sorry to be cocky but im a good enough looking guy, i can also do the same, and in the meantime if this happens to both of us and its the route that we choose well then we will have a certain element of closure in our heads. At least this way its not fully over and there is a shed of hope that things ccan work out.

Idle Passerby

Eir3 wrote: »

I thought about that, but on the Flipside, im sorry to be cocky but im a good enough looking guy, i can also do the same, and in the meantime if this happens to both of us and its the route that we choose well then we will have a certain element of closure in our heads. At least this way its not fully over and there is a shed of hope that things ccan work out.

Personally I think your deluding yourself OP. Being goodlooking isnt going to make a girl you dumped and are now in an open relationship with think your the best catch. Its fine for now when shes just moved away and she's lonely. I suspect you will be dropped as soon as she makes friends in Galway and there is no reason for her not to since your not even trying to stay faithful to her. But my opinion isn't all that relevant. Best of luck.

Eir3

I never said i wasnt going to be faithful, i was in college for the year when she was doing her LC and remained loyal throughout, its her that told me today two guys asked her out for a drink on her first day and she was asking should she kiss one of them, so the faithfulness thing here is in my court. Im just having a hard time deciding on whether i should just go into no contact for a while and work on myself or should i still be there at the end of the line and let her knw how well things are going to be. I got a new job today and it perked me up and her giving me that chance enhanced that. I believe in myself to make the relationship good i just dont know if i should fully focus on it or give time for space and after that things will be settled and theres more of a chance of communication.

Idle Passerby

Eir3 wrote: »

Im just having a hard time deciding on whether i should just go into no contact for a while and work on myself or should i still be there at the end of the line and let her knw how well things are going to be.

So you are broken up then? Your last post made it sound like the two of you are in an open relationship.

The fact that she's telling you about guys asking her out and asking your opinion on whether she should kiss then sounds like she's either trying to let you know she wont wait around for you or she is genuinely confused about your current status. It sounds very vague to me. Leaving it in an ambiguous limbo will not do either of you any good.

If you want to work on yourself and felt you couldn't be in a relationship while doing that, be absolutely clear with her about that.

Eir3

we are in an open relationship, but giving each other time to ourselves without telling each other to fully let go is what i meant, i can work on myself anyways im guna do that regardless, im just undecided on which way would be the best for our development

rcarroll

It's very hard to let go of the first relationship and it seems like you care for her a lot. I've done what you're thinking of doing now, with my first relationship. Practically the same situation - the guy thought he wasn't good enough, wanted to break up to get head space and sort out some issues, thought he was hurting me by staying with me, was asking too much of me....so we broke up, I was heart-broken. It wasn't the first time we'd come close to it though....he then came back and said he needed me in his life, that I was what made him want to be a better man...sound familiar?...and we did the same thing - tried an open relationship fully believing as you do now that it was a mature and healthy decision that would benefit us both...we had reasoned and discussed and talked and it all seemed perfectly fine and we could handle it..

until we didn't and the pain of knowing your partner is ok sleeping with someone, in fact, though they might seem sad about it, was still willing to kiss someone else and wanted to do it again...or not to do it again but knowing it happened once...it hurts man, and it's something you won't get over...and the end of the relationship is a horrible feeling of having wasted the last few months when you coudl have been getting over each other. You only end up breaking up in the end anyways, best do it now with fond memories and no bitterness

kjl

Don't take this the wrong way OP, but maybe she is better off without you, at least until you sort yourself out.

You say you love this girl, but you wont share this vital information about you mental health with her. She deserves to know why she is getting dumped and that it's not anything she did.

I think if you love her as much as you say you should give yourself time and get yourself sorted out, not just mentally but also try to fix the big problems in your life.

You're right, she doesn't need your negative force in her life when she is starting a new one in college, but playing games with her and messing with her head is not going to help her one bit.