Friend getting abortion in UK - not sure how to deal/help

LegacyUser

Hey all,

Not certain if I should be posting this, or if I need to, but I do feel I need to vent somewhere.

In the past week a close friend of my OH decided to get an abortion, her relationship had broken down and she decided to travel today. Initially her (now ex) partner was going to travel with her but sanity prevailed and instead my OH has gone with her.

They're currently in UK, the appointment is for later today, and the stress over the past few hours has been crazy. It was all a little rushed, my OH only found out last night she was going, and had to arrange flights/etc all last minute. No accommodation was booked as they have return flights for this evening, but now my OH is thinking they'll stay for the night as her friend is feeling really unwell now, and she (my OH) thinks it'll be 10 times worse after the procedure.

I'm stuck at work here trying to find places to them to stay that is near the clinic and not too expensive, it's been a nightmare as I'm at work and am acting as a go-between (and my OH is dropping in and out of network coverage).

This whole experience (which I am mainly viewing from the outside) has really shown me how utterly terrible the situation for women such as our friend is, the stress we're facing must be tiny in comparison to what she's going through. It makes me angry, but that's okay I suppose.

I'm not certain how to proceed from here though. Depending on how today goes they'll either be home tonight or else tomorrow afternoon. Either way, the friend will be staying with us for a night or two, and I'm not certain how best to deal with this. I know my OH will be very supportive to her, and part of me feels like it's best to blend into the background and let them get on with it.

Has anyone else had experience in such a situation? Any comments/pointers/anything would be deeply appreciated.

Tokyo

Hi OP,

I would treat it like any other traumatic experience that a friend might be going through, such as an illness, bereavement etc. If she's comfortable enough with you to talk about it with you then I'd tell her that I'm sorry for what she's going through, and if she ever needs to talk about it then I'm always there to listen, and leave it at that and otherwise just be supportive. How she deals with it is up to her, and with the best will in the world she may not appreciate being forced to discuss something she's not ready to discuss. Otherwise I'd leave your OH to deal with it, seeing as they have a closer connection.

Magicmatilda

I would second Mike. One thing I will say is that abortian has a massive effect on womens hormones, so just bear in mind that she will most likely be all over the place.

I think one thing you can help with is practicality, cooking, making tea, going to the shop, all that stuff.

Rubberchikken

it's simple.
just be there for her. you and your oh are being great friends and a great support to a friend in need.
whe/if she wants to talk just be there. maybe make sure she's eating, sleeping etc when she comes home. keep a close eye without being on top of her and if you do you'll spot if there's any need for her to go to her gp.

it's a tough situation to be in for all of you but you seem to be doing your best and your friend is lucky to have such support.

tenifan

Has she gotten any counselling or professional help prior to making her decision?

The procedure is pretty much irreversible. It would be a tragedy for her to feel she's being swept along in a tidal wave of things outside her control, especially as her ex seems to have been involved in the decision.

Try asking her is she sure it's what she really wants.

Dial Hard

tenifan wrote: »

Has she gotten any counselling or professional help prior to making her decision?

The procedure is pretty much irreversible. It would be a tragedy for her to feel she's being swept along in a tidal wave of things outside her control, especially as her ex seems to have been involved in the decision.

Try asking her is she sure it's what she really wants.

You're essentially suggesting they try talking her out of it. That's not their place and it would be a gross imposition for them to even suggest it.

tenifan

Dial Hard wrote: »

You're essentially suggesting they try talking her out of it. That's not their place and it would be a gross imposition for them to even suggest it.

Read the bold text, and then tell me the decision is made by someone in a good frame of mind.
A day or two will hardly make a difference if it means coming to terms with the decision rather than trying to rush through it in the hope things will get better.

Anon_20140822 wrote: »

In the past week a close friend of my OH decided to get an abortion, her relationship had broken down and she decided to travel today. Initially her (now ex) partner was going to travel with her but sanity prevailed and instead my OH has gone with her.

They're currently in UK, the appointment is for later today, and the stress over the past few hours has been crazy. It was all a little rushed, my OH only found out last night she was going, and had to arrange flights/etc all last minute. No accommodation was booked as they have return flights for this evening, but now my OH is thinking they'll stay for the night as her friend is feeling really unwell now, and she (my OH) thinks it'll be 10 times worse after the procedure.

doubter

The decision to have an abortion is never a easy one. Abortion is legal in holland, where I am from up until the end of the 16th week of pregnancy, counted from the last day of your last period.I think it's the same in the UK, but I am not sure there.
Try asking her to make a list of pr's and cons to help her clear her head, but do NOT interfere with her decision making, it's hers to make and hers alone. No government or past boyfriend or current boyfriend has anything to say in this.
And whatever she eventually decides to do, support her through that decision.

catonthewire

tenifan wrote: »

Read the bold text, and then tell me the decision is made by someone in a good frame of mind.
A day or two will hardly make a difference if it means coming to terms with the decision rather than trying to rush through it in the hope things will get better.

The decision was already made, the girl simply had to rearrange plans as too who would accompany her...
How could she be in a good frame of mind, this is normal under the circumstances...
You suggest waiting a few more days, to do what?, feel more upset, traumatised, abortion is never a decision that a woman comes to term with....

To the OP, just offer your support, love and understanding ...

Euphoria Intensifies

Hi OP. The Abortion Support Network would be a good place to contact if you still haven't found them a place to stay. Their volunteers offer accommodation near the clinics. I don't have enough posts to post a link, but their website is abortionsupportnetwork.org.uk

ArtyC

Best to just be available to help but as far as talking about it from personal experience I would not broach the subject unless she does.

She will talk or not talk depending on her needs and your OH will fill that job if needs be.

I would have your spare room( or wherever) set up, have the house clean and the fridge stocked with some healthy easy foods.

Best if luck to her.

THEZAPPA

It is a very tough desicion. She may feel mixed emotions afterwards or completely fine. It is much like having a miscarraige if done using the pills. Depending on the type of abortion (pill or surgical) she could be in a lot of pain afterwards. I recommend hot bottle bottles, towels you don't mind getting ruined and she will need heavy pads. They give prescriptions for pain killers too.

She may or may not want to talk about it afterwards. That is up to her, don't feel under any pressure to talk about it and don't act any differently with her then you or your OH would normally.

Most women are completely fine after having an abortion. The only ones who aren't are the ones that felt pressured into having the procedure. All she needs is some support.

I hope you found them a place over there as coming home or flying afterwards is not a good idea (again this depends on pill or surgical form).

I wish her well and its great what you and your OH are doing.

eviltwin

THEZAPPA wrote: »

It is a very tough desicion. She may feel mixed emotions afterwards or completely fine. It is much like having a miscarraige if done using the pills. Depending on the type of abortion (pill or surgical) she could be in a lot of pain afterwards. I recommend hot bottle bottles, towels you don't mind getting ruined and she will need heavy pads. They give prescriptions for pain killers too.

She may or may not want to talk about it afterwards. That is up to her, don't feel under any pressure to talk about it and don't act any differently with her then you or your OH would normally.

Most women are completely fine after having an abortion. The only ones who aren't are the ones that felt pressured into having the procedure. All she needs is some support.

I hope you found them a place over there as coming home or flying afterwards is not a good idea (again this depends on pill or surgical form).

I wish her well and its great what you and your OH are doing.

any woman can be not fine after an abortion, its not necessarily regret or sadness but like its normal for women to feel down after a birth its normal to be up and down after an abortion. It can take a few days or weeks to feel normal again.


OP take your cues from her, she may want to talk, she may not. If she does all you have to do is be there and listen. Having someone who knows and supports you without judgement is great, let her know you are there for her not just in the coming days and weeks but going forward too. She is lucky to have you both.

jellyboy

Hi op

the immediate attention will be very much needed and after the going and swirl of emotion for now and the next few days ..

Its the coming weeks and months that being there for your friend will help ease whatever emotions she has

its all very well thinking of the friend, but you have to think of yourself in all this ,whose going to look after you ? what about your partner?

somewhere i hope that theres space for ye in this to talk / walk

Maybe having a chat with support networks of whatever viewpoint could help pave the path to 'healing " for all


take care op

Chattastrophe!

I think that the best thing you can do is take over the running of the house. Keep on top of all of the housework and laundry so that your partner can concentrate on her friend. Maybe go on a batch cooking spree today - warming, wholesome, comfort foods such as soups, shepherds pie, lasagne, etc ... or if you're not into cooking, just stock up on a few ready meals you can leave in the fridge.

I think, in your position, I'd be inclined to stay out of the way as much as possible (unless your partner/her friend want you to become more involved.) If her friend wants to talk to you, I think it would be best to listen as much as possible, rather than give too much advice/opinions.)

For an awful lot of women, the abortion will be a minor side-matter in comparison to the break-up of her relationship. It's the logistical and financial nightmare of getting to the UK to sort it out that is the issue, rather than the procedure itself. This is not the case for every woman - every situation is different, and every woman is different. Just do bear in mind that if the friend is upset, it's not necessarily over the abortion - possibly moreso due to the break-up, and the hassle of having to travel at such short notice in the immediate aftermath.

If she was living with her ex, has she new accommodation sorted now? If not, maybe that's something practical you could offer to do, you could do a bit of househunting for her while she's recovering (while - if applicable - letting her know she's welcome to stay until something else is sorted.)

Both you and your partner seem like very supportive friends, and I'm sure her friend will be eternally grateful to both of you.

Jenneke87

Hi there OP,


As someone who had three abortions(why is a long story) I think I have a fair idea of what your friend is going through. First of all, kudos for being there for her, I was not that lucky and it really would have helped alot. I think just her knowning that you are there for her when needed, is in itself an act of helping.

During my pregnancies I'd become very weak because of extreme vomiting. So when I came home after the abortion, I was physicially in pain, emotions all over the place and the house was an absolute mess. It would have meant so much to me if someone had said:"Let me take over for a day(or two) and please suggest that to your friend as well. The pain for me was not too bad but bending over was painfull so things like the laundry of hoovering where no go areas for a few days, as well as carrying heavy items. Do her groceries if possible.

If she wants to talk, let her, if she doesn't ,don't bring it up. I didn't want to talk about it much in the beginning, I just wanted to move forward and recover. But you cannot truely ever forget that you had an abortion or wonder about the child you might have had if you had not done it. Time will need to do it's work but you can help her alot by just listening. If you're good at such things, maybe an afternoon of "pampering"her e.g doing her nails, buying her something that smells nice(somehow for me, scents that I really like where really comforting) and made me feel a little bit more human.

I remember feeling very alone the days after the abortion, and either craving company or just wanting to crawl in bed and stay there. My moods were all over the place and your friend may have the same thing. If so, don't take it personal and stay in touch with her.

I wish you all the very best, if there's anything else I can help you with, please feel free to ask.