stay or go?

sad44

I have been married over 25yrs and the early years were tough and he was violent, the violence stopped when I had him arrested.

He has always been volatile and his reactions unpredictable, a large part of our problems have been caused by this. I admit to keeping things from him because I thought it would save arguments. Not always the case and maybe I didn't help doing this but sometimes it seemed like the only option. He often says I don't communicate and he is right.

He has always been a good provider but recently circumstances have changed and he is no longer able to do so. I don't care as I am not a bit materialistic but It bothers him a lot. He has got more and more angry and every little thing starts an argument, with him thinking everyone is having a go.

Talking to him is not an option at the moment as it ends up with him losing it and smashing things. He feels like the world is against him. He even argued this morning because I said we'd run out of coffee, he thought I was saying he should have gone to the shop.

I am not perfect by any means but I don't argue or have a go because I've learnt it just isn't worth it.

I am beginning to think maybe it would be better if I leave as I am worried if he keeps stressing he's going to end up ill.

Buona Fortuna

Hi Sad - just wanted to send you a <hug>

The short answer is I don't know.

The long answer is that you must have decided to post here for a reason. Something maybe coming to a head? I don't know, but I didn't get what it was from your OP.

sad44

Buona Fortuna wrote: »

Hi Sad - just wanted to send you a <hug>

The short answer is I don't know.

The long answer is that you must have decided to post here for a reason. Something maybe coming to a head? I don't know, but I didn't get what it was from your OP.

Thank you. Nothing particularly coming to a head except I am more concerned he is going to make himself ill. Everything I say or do/don't do seems to annoy him. I know he finds it very difficult not working.

My nature is anything to keep the peace and try to do things to make life easier but not doing very well at it at the moment.

Buona Fortuna

Hi Sad

I've also been married for 25 years (Well slightly more I think, maybe 27/28) - I don't know why I told you that, other than to "empathise" a little.

I certainly empathise with the not working.

The thought of you having to walk on eggshells for 25 years gives me a shudder and a slightly sick feeling. I don't know how anyone who has the choice endures that.

Should you stay or should you go - I really don't know.

But let me turn that question around, what is keeping you there?

sad44

Buona Fortuna wrote: »

Hi Sad

I've also been married for 25 years (Well slightly more I think, maybe 27/28) - I don't know why I told you that, other than to "empathise" a little.

I certainly empathise with the not working.

The thought of you having to walk on eggshells for 25 years gives me a shudder and a slightly sick feeling. I don't know how anyone who has the choice endures that.

Should you stay or should you go - I really don't know.

But let me turn that question around, what is keeping you there?

Honestly sometimes i don't know :-(

I do care for him but beginning to wonder if that's enough. In some ways he's been very good, my family is scattered around the country and he's never minded me going off to visit for the weekend.

So confused as to what's the best for everyone.

Buona Fortuna

Hummmm. Put it like this. If you were my sister, mother, cousin, aunt, friend, I'd say leave and I'll come around tomorrow with the van and help you move out.

I'd say because I'd have seen your demeanour, his body language. I'd have felt the aptmosphere when ever I'd come round.

But I'm just a guy on the internet and all I have to go on is your 48 words on a flat screen, so its difficult.

If you feel that things are going to get worse. If you feel that there is no chance of things getting any better then leave.

That's my best shot I'm afraid

There are some links at the top of this thread that might give you some tangible help.

I wish you all the very best for the future Sad.

sad44

Buona Fortuna wrote: »

Hummmm. Put it like this. If you were my sister, mother, cousin, aunt, friend, I'd say leave and I'll come around tomorrow with the van and help you move out.

I'd say because I'd have seen your demeanour, his body language. I'd have felt the aptmosphere when ever I'd come round.

But I'm just a guy on the internet and all I have to go on is your 48 words on a flat screen, so its difficult.

If you feel that things are going to get worse. If you feel that there is no chance of things getting any better then leave.

That's my best shot I'm afraid

There are some links at the top of this thread that might give you some tangible help.

I wish you all the very best for the future Sad.

Thank you, I think my mind was made up today when my eldest child pointed out that at some point I need to put my own mental health before my o/h. At the moment he is at the hospital having his hand cast after hitting the wall after losing his temper again :-/

Neyite

sad44 wrote: »

Thank you, I think my mind was made up today when my eldest child pointed out that at some point I need to put my own mental health before my o/h. At the moment he is at the hospital having his hand cast after hitting the wall after losing his temper again :-/

I think your child is right. There is only so much you can do for another person, and walking around on eggshells is no way to live your life. Would you chat to someone about it? Maybe give Womens Aid a call? I really think that they could help you straighten out your thoughts. They offer non-judgemental support for women who need it, whether they are staying or leaving their abusive partner.

If you look at the charter at the top of this forum, there are links to Womens Aid and how to contact them.

sad44

Neyite wrote: »

I think your child is right. There is only so much you can do for another person, and walking around on eggshells is no way to live your life. Would you chat to someone about it? Maybe give Womens Aid a call? I really think that they could help you straighten out your thoughts. They offer non-judgemental support for women who need it, whether they are staying or leaving their abusive partner.

If you look at the charter at the top of this forum, there are links to Womens Aid and how to contact them.

Thank you, it's been a tough few days but I have realised I can't go on like this. As hard as it is I accept that perhaps I'm not the person to help him through his problems.

I intend to follow the links and call womans aid on monday.

I appreciate the time people have taken to respond to my rambling on so thank you again

Buona Fortuna

sad44 wrote: »

Thank you, it's been a tough few days but I have realised I can't go on like this. As hard as it is I accept that perhaps I'm not the person to help him through his problems.

I intend to follow the links and call womans aid on monday.

I appreciate the time people have taken to respond to my rambling on so thank you again

I wish you well Sad <Hugs>