Relatives visiting every day/what to do?

Aimeee

Does anyone have to deal with relatives visiting all the time? Every day or evening, (same relatives)
They have young children too, bit younger than our own and while it's all fun and games for a while they seem to stay until the youngest one is about to implode with tiredness. Then we have the tidy up, get our own children sorted and tidy kitchen as they usually eat/have tea while here.
We are cracking up, we cannot sit in peace any evening just ourselves watching some telly. It wouldnt be too bad if that could happen when they are here but their children just cannot sit still for any decent length of time.
So do I say something? How do I not cause offence?
Its quite upsetting as I've stood my ground before with them and it caused major offence consequently upsetting other family members (who i care very much about) in the fallout. I feel stuck in the middle!

strandroad

Start visiting them instead... Couple of days in a row should make them get the message!

lukesmom

Aimeee wrote: »

Does anyone have to deal with relatives visiting all the time? Every day or evening, (same relatives)
They have young children too, bit younger than our own and while it's all fun and games for a while they seem to stay until the youngest one is about to implode with tiredness. Then we have the tidy up, get our own children sorted and tidy kitchen as they usually eat/have tea while here.
We are cracking up, we cannot sit in peace any evening just ourselves watching some telly. It wouldnt be too bad if that could happen when they are here but their children just cannot sit still for any decent length of time.
So do I say something? How do I not cause offence?
Its quite upsetting as I've stood my ground before with them and it caused major offence consequently upsetting other family members (who i care very much about) in the fallout. I feel stuck in the middle!

Id tell them you love them coming over but could they leave it until maybe one day at the weekend as you have a family schedule you want to stick to etc. you deserve your bloody privacy it would drive me mad them over every day for hours. If you don't say something the bitterness will grow. Maybe they won't be over so often when school starts back?

ABajaninCork

Can't you ask them to let you know in advance when they're coming? The fact they're there every day, and eating dinner there tells me they're taking the proverbial.

That's got to impact on any plans you might have...

Aimeee

Gosh never thought of returning the favour! To be honest any time they are not here the very last thing on my mind is going to them, I'd be so delighted to have an evening to ourselves.
I'm hoping once school starts and homework/after school stuff takes over it'll lessen. Dh is afraid it'll turn into every weekend then. You see if they knew when to go home it probably wouldn't feel so bad but they seem to have no clue how they are impacting on this house. What drives me crazy altogether is they leave the youngest child do whatever he likes and it's usually left to me or dh to start "please don't rub your hand on the TV" or "leave the dog alone". Poor dog gets sent to utility, best for everyone concerned. They seem to switch off and let the minding to someone else for a while!
Drives me spare.
Last time I spoke out it was taken as me being really stressed (heard this back from another relative) and they they were very offended. I didn't really care about that, but it did upset other family members and that upset me a lot. I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't! Hubby says let him be the bad guy, actually his work is so busy at moment that is a very good excuse too. He does a lot of it from home and needs peace and quiet.
Thanks for replies everyone. I think we'll have to start creating a distance or the bitterness will definitely come! Roll on term time too!
Thank you.

chuckyarelaw

I've heard similar before where the visitors would call just to get fed - they literally could not afford to feed themselves so would call in to friends and family around tea time every day in the hope they would be fed.

That's a sad situation to be in - might not apply here but ask yourself , are they calling to get away from something else ?


CAL

Merkin

:eek: Thats outrageous! So you end up feeding them all every evening as well as more or less minding their kids? They are really taking the piss to be honest. What age are your kids? If at all possible, I'd either be out every evening for the next while (visiting other relatives etc) or else visit them repeatedly.

I know you don't want to cause offence but you do sound like a soft touch a little. STOP feeding them. If they come around at the same time every evening I wouldn't be quite so welcoming. In fact I wouldn't even offer a cup of tea. They sound awful!!!!

Aimeee

Money not an issue trust me. It's not that they expecting to be fed all the time either, but they will sometimes ask to make tea/coffee if I don't offer. Tbh it's the mother is the problem. Personally I think she's a lazy witch, nags the hubby no end (more than once I've sat there shocked that she would speak to him the way she does and in someone else's house, I wish he'd tell her to feck off!) and hates cooking etc, yet will sit here and discuss (read preach) nutrition and good food to me while I'm the one stood at the cooker. We were invited to theirs a few times alright but had to cut that out as I was asked to help with dinner etc. Lazy or doesn't know what to do I'm not sure, either way I'm done. I don't mind helping (once in a while) but ask for it, don't lecture or spout what you just read in a book before you got here.
Worst part is it causes untold stress between myself and dh, he wants to tell them where to go and I'm too worried about family fall out. My sister was here one eventing and she was taken aback at the cheek, so I know it's not my skewed view.
Yes I'm a soft touch, I'll admit, first few times was fine but when it doesn't stop I don't know how to do it without coming across as irrational/over emotional!
They completely think that they are doing nothing wrong! I know this is probably because the shoe has never been on the other foot! Got to wonder why that is too though.
Thanks for replies. A personality change due my end I think. Wish me luck.

Eeden

Something similar happened to me years ago, although it wasn't relatives. There was a couple that we knew, but weren't particularly friendly with, and they suddenly started visiting us every single Sunday afternoon, with their child (who was about five years older than our toddler).

OK it was only once a week. Our husbands got on to some extent (they worked in the same field), but I always found it kind of awkward. Eventually we started going out every Sunday for several weeks, until they got the message that we wouldn't always be there. I think to be honest that they were just trying to be friendly and cultivate us as friends.

It doesn't sound as stressful as your situation, which is daily. That would do my head in. Maybe it's not so easy for you but you could try to just not be there every day, until maybe they figure out that they should phone before dropping in?

I still think with relatives, though, that the best thing would probably be to tell them that it doesn't suit you for them to call every day - you don't have to "tell them where to go"; you could say it calmly, without seeming to give out or be annoyed about it - just explain that you're trying to have a routine for the kids, or that you have a few projects you want to get done around the house, or whatever.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I have dealt with this kind of behaviour years ago when I had a young family. For some people you just have to join the dots for them or they will walk all over you. It is a common problem and I was given some good advice and I know others who have had to do the same. The solution we used was to to put your children in a room where they can play or watch a dvd, make sure the room cannot be looked into from outside the house (we pulled over the curtains and left a lamp on)..then we pulled over our bedroom curtains..when the doorbell rang we ignored it and it rang and rang, we kept on ignoring it. The phone rang (this was before mobiles), we let it ring a while then answered our bedroom one and told them we were "busy, in the middle of a something " whilst giggling.. It worked like a charm. The extended family heard about it , and what could they say? Can't criticise a couple for making whoopie, can you?

If they can't grow up and respect your family time then spell it out in adult fashion , in the nicest way possible and in a way that will make his family happy for him.

LegacyUser

I agree with last poster. If you dont want to say anything, you need to break the cycle.
For the next few evenings take up a family cycle or walk or have your sister call round so that this family feel like they are the intruders.
Reading between the lines Im guessing they are in laws!

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Is there an insecurity or lonliness issue there?

I ask because it seems that, if they go to you every day, then they mustn't go anywhere else or drop in on anyone else.

If that the case, maybe have a party, invite a few frinds and neighbours who also have kids and introduce them all. Might just be a case of helping them to widen their social circle.

CaraMay

If it's your in laws then let hubby deal with it and his work is the perfect excuse. I would hate the restriction of having them there every day agggggghhhhhhhh

Into The Blue

It's nearly back to school time, so lie and say one of your kids has chicken pox.. that'll get you over the line.

Then ring ALL THE TIME moaning about how it's terrible that your husband is so busy with work that he has to work from home every weekend..

I know lying isn't ideal, but better that than falling out with other family.

SuperS54

You could try inviting them over one day a week, they may think it odd but then they may actually put 2 and 2 together. So if they're in your house on Monday evening when they are leaving very politely suggest that they call around again on Friday. If it works just keep extending the intervals until it's a frequency you are happy with. If it doesn't work you can try to infill with excuses, for instance "why not leave it till Friday as we are painting/decorating/sleeping whatever on T/W/T".

Into The Blue

SuperS54 wrote: »

You could try inviting them over one day a week, they may think it odd but then they may actually put 2 and 2 together. So if they're in your house on Monday evening when they are leaving very politely suggest that they call around again on Friday. If it works just keep extending the intervals until it's a frequency you are happy with. If it doesn't work you can try to infill with excuses, for instance "why not leave it till Friday as we are painting/decorating/sleeping whatever on T/W/T".

Actually this advice is better then mine.. go with this.

kylith

I would honestly open the door, say "I'd invite you in, but it's not a good time." and shut the door again and repeat until they get the message, or say 'since you call round every day, maybe you could bring dinner with you next time'. But then, I'm not too worried about upsetting people. If other family members got the huff I'd tell them that they can have the offending family round to their house every day if they'd like.

Aimeee

Everyone thank you so much for replies. It has all been very helpful. Myself and dh had a long chat last night and we are going to be super busy, either on the way out if they land, or doing something if they text first, from now till back to school time. Once term starts things will even out I'm pretty sure. He did suggest landing in on them every evening for a while but I couldn't be bothered doing that.
I can't scroll back now to see all replies but who suggested loneliness/needing to meet people; I totally agree with this but that's not my problem. I've been down here before with this family and made huge effort to introduce to a wider circle but they never followed up home invites etc.

They are my family so poor dhs in laws. He has the patience of a saint!
I'm loling at the lock in solution. That actually is one I've entertained. And I know someone who's used there making whoopie excuse with an over visiting neighbour. It was quite funny.
Chicken pox non runner all kids involved have had them!
Writing here and seeing other people's views has been a great help to me actually. I see what a mug I'm being and it's stopping now. I also had a good chat with the other relatives who got upset at the last fallout and they totally understood the predicament. So that in itself is a relief.
Thank you all again.

Edit: to add info.

lukesmom

chuckyarelaw wrote: »

I've heard similar before where the visitors would call just to get fed - they literally could not afford to feed themselves so would call in to friends and family around tea time every day in the hope they would be fed.

That's a sad situation to be in - might not apply here but ask yourself , are they calling to get away from something else ?


CAL

Ah c'mon now if they can afford the petrol everyday they can afford food too. If they are broke theres loads of assistance for them so I doubt it's the case that they are just calling for food.

Neyite

If they are deliberately obtuse, then I'd go to the relative who got the hump the last time (wild guess, Mother in Law?) and tell her to sort it. And if my hunch is right, then your Husband should be the one to tell her to sort it out, citing the fact that she was the one who got all upset the last time you tried to rein in these freeloaders, so now she can handle it.

Carson10

do they come over at the same time every evening.?

Could you park your car somewhere else and make sure all the lights are off at the front so it looks like you are away. Or even if you for one week, went out every evening, so that by the next week they wouldnt bother comming.

I would stay at the back of the house and not answer the front door.

Aimeee

It's not so much that family got the hump more that there is upset at relatives falling out, I was upset about it myself! As a rule we all get on fairly well and that's the way I like it. This is why I find this very stressful, easier to say yes, avoid conflict which is how I got here! Now having said that I also don't see why I should feel like the baddie and resent being in this position. I'll have to get over myself! Some people are just cheeky right?!
We're going the avoid/be busy route for now and if that fails we will hide out in our own house! The kids will be so excited!
If the problem still exists in a months time, I'll just have to say it straight out.

Again thanks all, feeling much cleared headed and more assertive now! Will be useful to reread this should the need arise.

Queen-Mise

I would start going out with the kids just as they start coming round. So when they come to the door. Say 'oh your welcome, but we are going out in 15 mins' - your welcome to follow us to the park, hurling field, wherever. And then start preparing to go, packing up car, getting lead for the dog.

Start on a health buzz Go with jogging gear and start doing a slow jog with the dog and hubby

Go in different cars, very important. Go to park for 30/45 mins, and then say we have to go now. Go to shop, take another walk elsewhere. So if they do go straight back to your house, you will not be back for another hour.

This gets really b*tchy - if you do go back to the house and they are there. Drop the dog into the house and leave again, and say 'oh we are not back yet', we have to go to do 'x, y, or z'. Even if all do you is go to McD's and have a coffee for a while, just don't be in the house.


This is the kind of stunt I would pull, if talking and explaining yourself leads to more stress and heartache. I just wouldn't be in the house for a while. Or I would be in bed with a migraine, therefore no-one is allowed in the house.

Even if nothing else the above could be used at weekends. The kids won't object to going to park three times in one day

LynnGrace

Sounds like you are well on the way to solving it. I'd agree with being very busy, permanently heading out the door, as they arrive 'you know how it is' etc, and gone.
They will take the hint, eventually. It will probably ease off naturally as the schools reopen, but no harm to put a stop to it before then.

Chattastrophe!

Either answer the door - "oh I wasn't expecting you, unfortunately we have plans and are about to head out - but give me a call/text about maybe heading to the playground with the kids at the weekend."

Or else don't answer the door no matter how much they ring the bell (even with lights on, cars home.) If they question you about it after - "Oh that was you? I was bathing the kids at the time, seeing as I hadn't been expecting anyone, I assumed it was salespeople etc, so didn't bother answering."

Maybe alternate the two above responses until she gets the message. And when you do meet up with them, only do so with pre-arranged plans, and in a neutral venue such as park/playground. (I imagine her interest in spending so much time with you may fizzle out when she's not getting free food/childminding services!

I seriously could not put up with that, don't know how you've done it for this long. :eek:

mazdaminx

I really have a thing about answering the door (and phone). For me it's an invasion really so I always ask myself if I feel like talking at that time. if I don't I just don't answer. I don't care. I would lock the front door and just not answer. Say you were lying down, out for a walk, resting, eating dinner. I would stop feeding them. And like above posters, say you are heading away. Some people really don't know their place.

Aimeee

mazdaminx wrote: »

I really have a thing about answering the door (and phone). For me it's an invasion really so I always ask myself if I feel like talking at that time. if I don't I just don't answer. I don't care. I would lock the front door and just not answer. Say you were lying down, out for a walk, resting, eating dinner. I would stop feeding them. And like above posters, say you are heading away. Some people really don't know their place.

I like this, do I feel like talking at this time?
Going to apply this a lot.

Change in thinking already happening folks so thank you all for your input. It has been so helpful.
I've said it before but until I wrote all this down I didn't realise what a walkover I am being.
We were out yesterday so don't know if they called or not. Today and tomorrow taken care of too in terms of activities. I'm so happy to be feeling unstressed about this situation already!
Again, thank you. X

Calibos

If your brother is part of the entourage doing the driving and is anyway handy with a screwdriver you could ask him to do a bit of DIY around your house every time he visits. He either starts refusing to visit anymore because he's 'bloody asked to do something' every time he does or at least you get something done around the house every time they visit. My mother used this on my uncle in the 80's. Got a re-tiled bathroom, built in bed and small patio out of him before he and his entourage didn't have the 'time' to visit us as often anymore.

nc19

Dont let them in........

simple.......


just say that you were actually on the way out the door and you wont be back for hours.

Aimeee

nc19 wrote: »

Dont let them in........

simple.......


just say that you were actually on the way out the door and you wont be back for hours.

Yes indeed was thinking today myself that's what it essentially boils down to!.
Thank you.