How do I heal my broken heart

LegacyUser

Hi all

I am sorry this is probably gonna be a long post. myself and my partner broke up recently and we were due to be married next month.

We had a few problems early on, he was in contact with an ex, it was just friendly but i was uncomfortable, he told me he could cut her off and not speak to her any more but I said no it was ok i said just let her contact you more and not be chatting all the time and i said don't tell her i am uncomfortable with it, she knows my friend and i don't wanna sound like a lunatic. Everything was good he assured me it was me he wanted and we moved forward, moved in together and were getting on great until I found out he told the ex he couldn't talk to her anymore because I didn't like it. I had known he said this to her but it took weeks for him to admit it, he said he did it for us but I kinda felt betrayed. So there was alot of fighting weeks upon weeks but it was me reading more into it and making myself crazy.

Anyway I got over it and we got engaged made plans for the future and we were really happy until once day I was on his facebook and looking thought his log and noticed that before we lived together he was searching for this girl a few times a week so I snooped some more and he had chatted to her privately just chit chat but the girl wasn't a bit interested in talking to him. He admitted he thought she was pretty but doesn't know why he contacted her while he was with me. She was a very pretty girl, lot younger than me and instantly i started to feel fat and ugly and my confidence just went. I was so sad and lonely all the time.

But I loved him so much I got over it after the worlds craziest time. We seemed to be getting on great but I was still lonely as I moved to a different county to be with him and I missed my friends and family, we started staying at my parents alot at the weekends we would have dinner and a few drinks but he didn't like that but if we stayed home he do nothing with me. Not even go for a drive.

He started a new job and completely changed since. He hated it and I told him id rather be poor and happy then see him miserable but he said he couldnt give it up as it was working for family and he needed to hold down a job.
Things got worse and worse, he was sore, tired and moody when he came home and I got insecure and was annoying him asking what was wrong.

Anyway we had made plans to have the whole long weekend together, go away for a day ,go on a date night and just have time alone but the day before while in work he text to say he had to go to his parents to do a few jobs, I was cross but tried to keep my cool and I said ok we wil have sat together and he said he would see if he was finished, so I packed and bag and said I would go to my parents no point in me being alone all weekend.

So he ignored me the whole weekend , not a text or call nothing, then he texts out of the blue saying its all gotten too much we moved too fast and he wasn't to take a step back and start living a apart and dating again to get back what we had. I said NO WAY but then I said we could meet and talk but he didn't want to do that either, He seemed devastated I didnt take up his offer said how much he loved me etc. but then went cold again if i text he would just say LEAVE ME ALONE or GO AWAY.

So moving forward to last night he tells me he doesn't want me any more and he is now on an online dating site,

My heart is broken and I cant deal with this feeling. I'm blaming myself for the fights and maybe if I did things differently etc.

Im just looking for some advice really and I am sorry for the long post

Tokyo

Hi OP,

I'm sorry that this has happened to you, truly. To be honest my first thoughts on this was to post that he was an extremely callous person to act the way he did and that you are better off without him.

The first step towards moving forward it to learn not to blame yourself. Take a step back for a second - he is the one who was chatting to other women on facebook, and you still stood by him. He decided that the relationship was too much for him, and yes, sad to say, these things happen, but he chose to act towards you - the woman he supposedly loved - by shutting you out completely. He is the one who chose to cast you aside completely instead of talking with you about how to move forward, and instead is on dating sites, trying to find somebody else.

The sad truth is that how he acts is not your fault, and from what you have posted here, he has acted abhorrently. The only comfort I can give you is that you found out this before you married, and established a family together. It may not seem like it now, but a day will come when you ARE happy with a loving partner, and you'll look back on this day as the luckiest escape you ever had.

LegacyUser

He did act really badly in the past but I loved him so much I just tried to get over it and I did mostly except for it kinda ruining my confidence.

There is just so much we could have changed and talked about if he met or even spoke to me before this happened I know things were going wrong and I kept asking him and he kept saying he loved me and it was in my head and to leave him alone but i pushed and that made him madder

He said he hated that i acted so childish and had to ring my parents about every little thing and he said they interfered too much but I don't think they did, maybe I can see from his side why he felt that way but they always were lovely to him.
His mam seemed to love me at the start but slowly changed, hinting I needed to diet a few times (i have a medical condition so its hard but I did lose 3 stone before and when i just met him Im chubby but not massive) and just being disrespectful to me , ignoring me in her home and stuff so I dont know what I did wrong. This all caused fights too

I am also worried is he having some sort of a mental breakdown or something, because I really felt he was so in love with me and I know the fights were crazy but people fight and move on. I can be hormonal and cranky but he can too.

I am just worried because all this started to go downhill when he started a new job and he says now he hates his live he has no one and that is why he is online not to date but just for the conversation to pass the night as he is in the home we lived in together alone and sad all the time.
I said he was sad because he misses me and he just says GO AWAY.

As well as being totally devastated I am also so worried about him. I feel his losing the plot or something

Merkin

Because this is all so recent you haven't yet had the benefit of perspective or hindsight but you will. You just need to give it time. Stop feeling sorry for hi and instead feel glad for you, glad that you have escaped an unhealthy relationship and one that ultimately was not going to work. I know it's hard but time truly is a wonderful healer. I'd sever ties if I were you and make a clean break.

Tokyo

Upset Girl wrote: »

As well as being totally devastated I am also so worried about him. I feel his losing the plot or something

If you are concerned about his well-being, have you spoken to his mother or someone else in his family about your concerns?

I understand from your post that you don't get along with his mother, but it doesn't have to be a long conversation - a short phone call or even a text message to say that you have broken up, but that you are very worried about their son at the moment and to keep an eye on him is all that you need.

Hard as this might be to accept, it's not your job to look out for him anymore - let his family take care of that now. And you take care of yourself instead.

LegacyUser

Yes, I was thinking about contacting his mother or sister last night but I thought twice because they are a very repressed family they don't really talk about anything so I was thinking they would probably get cranky and say I was interfering or something and I really couldn't take any grief from them.

I think I just need to try forget him stop checking his dating profile to see is he online and stuff. Its just so upsetting. He says he is upset, he cant eat or sleep even go to work some days yet he still doesn't want me anymore.

I just don't know how I will get over this, I know you say time is a great healer and I believe that but right now I cant even function or leave the house.

I'm 32, living back home with parents and I just feel like I am too old to start over

LegacyUser

Just an up date. There no fear of him. He's been texting a girl for the last two days. Constantly non stop during work even. When I used to text him in work he would just ignore me and say he's busy.

It's obviously just me. I don't know what I did wrong to make him stop loving me.

Tokyo

Hi again OP,

as I said, if you do have concerns about his welfare then do take the time to text his family and let him know that you are concerned. Set aside your thoughts on them for a second - absolute worst case scenario is that they read your text and nothing comes of it. But if he is going through a hard time then at least they'll be aware of it, and may be able to talk to him about it.

I'm going to be blunt with you - from what you have said about the buildup to all of this, and from what you have described of his actions afterwards, it sounds like you were just incompatible with each other, and much like a pressure cooker, all the little things built up over time to boiling point. I'm not trying to excuse his behaviour as he seems quite insensitive at the moment, but one of the harsh realities of life is that couples fall out of love, and sometimes it takes that happening once or twice before you meet the person you *know* you should be spending your life with.

Right now it sounds like you are caught in a bit of a loop. A loop of doubting yourself, and a loop of constantly checking what he is doing, and feeding your own insecurities over this. It's pretty obvious that you have your finger on the pulse when it comes to his social media - I'd recommend deleting or blocking his accounts online to stop the updates coming through, and to stop you from checking up on him in the small hours of the morning. Delete his phone number too and try to hold back from other forms of contact. And accept that the relationship is over. This is the most difficult part, yet it is also the foundation for healing. The day you come to terms with it, is the day things start getting better.

Focus on yourself. It's going to be hard, there's no denying that. No matter how long you’ve been going out, what the nature of your relationship was, or how it ended, the idea that someone does not want to spend their time with you is a bitter pill to swallow. But take a little time each day and invest it in your own happiness - meet up with friends, go shopping, join a club and meet new people, take up a new activity. Recovery from a breakup is a long process, and there will be setbacks. But over time, you'll start thinking about him a little less each day, until the day comes where he will just be a part of your past.

Good luck OP.

Neyite

Upset Girl wrote: »

Yes, I was thinking about contacting his mother or sister last night but I thought twice because they are a very repressed family they don't really talk about anything so I was thinking they would probably get cranky and say I was interfering or something and I really couldn't take any grief from them.

I think I just need to try forget him stop checking his dating profile to see is he online and stuff. Its just so upsetting. He says he is upset, he cant eat or sleep even go to work some days yet he still doesn't want me anymore.

I just don't know how I will get over this, I know you say time is a great healer and I believe that but right now I cant even function or leave the house.

I'm 32, living back home with parents and I just feel like I am too old to start over

Its early days, but you do need to break away from him - that means he doesnt get to dump his woes on you, so go no contact - it really is the quickest way to healing. Dont contact his family, he is not your problem anymore. Work on physically separating your lives -things like dividing the savings, household things etc and mentally you'll find your mind doing likewise emotionally.

I did a massive clearout after a bad break up - decluttered ruthlessly, then did a bit of a makeover with a new hairdo and clothes. I stayed busy, taking up a new hobby or an evening class - they will be being advertised around now so its the perfect time to sign up for stuff that you always wanted to do. I did all the things I couldnt do with him - I went to places he was never interested in, saw movies he'd have hated but I loved, cooked food that I liked but he didnt, etc. I got lots of sleep, and lots of long walks in.

It does take time, but you just keep busy and time passes.

You are only 32. Plenty of time to meet someone amazing and have a squad of kids if thats what you want. But for now you need to focus on you. Not him. Can you block your online access to him? And also his texts to others, because it is straying into stalker-like behaviour and will only keep setting you back.

shmalentine

Upset Girl wrote: »

Just an up date. There no fear of him. He's been texting a girl for the last two days. Constantly non stop during work even. When I used to text him in work he would just ignore me and say he's busy.

It's obviously just me. I don't know what I did wrong to make him stop loving me.

He is absolutely and completely not worth your time. I have been in a very similar situation to yours OP. Some points nearly identical.

If you feel like you have a lot of love to give, please do not waste it on someone who seems to be so undeserving. Do not obsess about him, do not worry about who he is with or what/how he is doing. Do not make excuses for his behavior which has been deplorable and above all else never question if you could have done more. Ever.

You seem like a caring and thoughtful person who has put someone elses happiness before your own but this needs to stop now. It is so much easier said than done but when it is done, even half done, my god it feels so much better. You more than likely feel like you wont ever get to be happy again, that the thought of starting from scratch after youve invested so much time and emotion with him is a scary one. But you need to cut ties, you need to cut him out of your life.

Do not contact his mum, do not contact him, do not check on him or what he does online. It will always make you feel bad, nothing good will ever come from it. Ever.

If you can love and care for someone who has disrespected you so much to this point , imagine how much you can love someone who treats you the way you deserve.

Best of Luck OP.

catonthewire

Hi OP...

I know my reply won't be exactly what you at wish to hear, but , please try to move on as difficult as it is .....
My ex , did exactly the same, he cut all contact after informing me that he intended trying to find a new partner on dating sites..
This was within a few weeks of us breaking up, he dismissed me as one would a child..
I was simply trying to come to terms with the break up, and trying to remain friends as adults are supposed to do....

Regardless of how a relationship ends, people deserve respect, your ex did not treat you with respect, and showed a lack of manners and common decency..

It isn't easy, I am not going too lie, but one day you will look back, and know what a lucky escape you had...
Life is too short, to spend your time dealing with emotionaly stunted people...

LegacyUser

Thank you all so much for your replies, they have all really helped and everyone has made such valid points and for the tow posters that had a similar situation to me I'm sorry to hear that its the worst feeling in the world. I wouldnt wish it on anyone

I didn't contact his mother. I just decided he isn't my problem anymore.. and I couldn't face her.

I agree that what he has done is awful and his behavior is a disgrace but I cant make out how he went from being madly in love with me to completely ignoring me, especially when we were getting married. I do agree that he must be emotionally stunted or something. It is like he has completely erased me from his life.

Some friends think he is behaving like this as his way to get over it but I don't agree, I am so upset there is no way I could go on a dating site and talk to anyone. I still wake up sad and panicky during the night and everything reminds me of him. I know Im just getting over it and feeling sorry for myself at the moment but the future seems so scary. I know what you say about loving someone else who appreciates me but I feel like I waited so long to find him it will never happen to me again.

You all really have been great and a lot of what has been said I have taken on board. :-)

shmalentine

Theres a funny meme I cant link but its pretty accurate in the way it describes how men embrace singlehood after a breakup initially and then after a while it all goes downhill and the pain catches up with him and for women it works in the opposite way.

I wouldn't be surprised in the least OP if your ex ended up trying to contact you again in a few weeks (maybe sooner). It might be because he wants to say sorry or he's having a bad day and needed a chat, or he regrets everything. I hope that you have the strength to ignore him if/when he does. Or at the very least if you do reply to him, just remember how your're feeling now as a result of his selfish actions. Take the strength from these moments of pain and know there is very little he can say to make any of this up to you. This is all of course if he ends up contacting you. He may not, I only mention it because your relationship echoes my own in many ways.

Regardless of what he may or may not be going through himself and how out of character he is acting, you cant make excuses for him. I mean yes there very well maybe a pinpoint reason why hes done a 180 and is behaving this way but that dooesnt and shouldnt matter. None of this, is, and ever will be okay.

I ended up taking back my ex who blamed his own personal demons for how he behaved, it was one of the worst decisions of my life. He ended up hurting me again , on levels I couldnt even comprehend and I ended up going through months of grief because I refused to let him go. This was a boy who worshipped the ground I walked on when we were together, who would remind me daily how 'out of his league' I was and how lucky he felt to have me by his side. He said all the right things but its always their actions that speaks volumes above all else.

Be grateful that this didnt happen after you two got married, count yourself lucky you have seen this side of him. There's is no denying you will be hurting for a while but just take it one day at a time because it will get better.

blueb

get as many nobs into ya as u can

Tokyo

blueb - as per the forum charter, if you can't post constructively in PI/RI, please don't post here at all. Considering that you have just returned from a siteban, behaviour like this is seen in a very poor light, and further posts like this will result in a permanent ban.

Regards,
Mike

catonthewire

Upset Girl wrote: »

Just an up date. There no fear of him. He's been texting a girl for the last two days. Constantly non stop during work even. When I used to text him in work he would just ignore me and say he's busy.

It's obviously just me. I don't know what I did wrong to make him stop loving me.

For your own peace of mind, stop checking on his online activity and who he contacts..
If you knew he was meeting a girl for a date, would you follow him?..
I doubt it, make a clean break, until you do , you can't begin to move on with your life...

Arrange to meet friends, treat yourself to nights out ect...
Honestly, it does get better, life will be good once again, but, not until YOU move on..

LegacyUser

catonthewire wrote: »

For your own peace of mind, stop checking on his online activity and who he contacts..
If you knew he was meeting a girl for a date, would you follow him?..
I doubt it, make a clean break, until you do , you can't begin to move on with your life...

Arrange to meet friends, treat yourself to nights out ect...
Honestly, it does get better, life will be good once again, but, not until YOU move on..

Hi,

Ya i completely agree. I have stopped checking up on him as I kinda just realised he isn't worth it. Im sad about how it all went down but I think/hope maybe in a few months I will realise I had a lucky escape, or dodged a bullet as my mam says.

All the advice I got on here has been great and it really did help