Don't know what to think anymore - scared

stop animal cruelty

Hey all,

Dunno where to start so just gonna go into....lv been seeing my bf for the last 3mnts, he lives 2hr drive away, see him most weekends. Thing is, lm afraid things are starting to fizzle out, and its scaring me.

l cant stop thinking that hes gonna end up dumping me - for example just got off the phone to him, only spoke for 10min....l saw him over the weekend so not a whole lot to talk about but it makes me wonder....is it normal to just chat for that short time? we usually talk twice a day between 10-20min.....lm prob over thinking, but alot of the time its just how are you, what you at for the day etc....l kinda get the impression hes noting to say to me or else lm just boring him.

l love him, and he loves me (but tells me when hes drunk, not a very emotional guy) whenever l say lm mad about him tho, he usually says good or me too. l find the last few times lv gone to his, theres a few silences.....not v awkward but its like we've noting to say and l think it might be bothering him, like l might try make a conversation or crack a joke and he might only say a few words or give off a falsh laugh......sorry its hard to explain but l think l just feel lm trying hard to impress him or make conversation.....theres a 4yr age difference and he is v mature for his age....il have to admit theres times when it feels like theres no chemisity...

lm finding it a bit hard to chat along with his friends also, their all in their 30s and lm only 23...so it feels like its more pressure on me cause its like l dont add up to their "social talk" if that makes any sense?? , he wants me to get on with them and having social anxiety doesnt help (he doesnt know l have this and l dont want him to either cause hes a sociable guy and wouldnt understand)

When l 1st met him, l think he got the impression l was a really sociable, good craic out going person, because l was around him, l felt comfortable but its like now hes finding out l can actually be kinda nervous around people and takes a while to settle - which l think could be turning him off.

lts sounds like we're over the honeymoon stage - but lv really fallen for this guy, and l know hes mad about me - his bought me jewellery and is after booking a holiday for us - when things are great between us there great, like chatting or messing away - its just when theres silences and only 10 min talk on the phone cause we're noting to say it really bothering me, like l feel like crying cause lm so scared hes having 2nd thoughts about me, l dont want us to break up lts such a great story how we met, we have alot things in common and just other lil weird things that happend...we think the same way and alot of times when he says something, lm usually about to say the same thing...just wanted to add those lil things:o

Greenduck

Hi OP,

You need to relax. Big time. If you start projecting this insecurity onto your relationship, you'll lose him or at least push him away.

10 minutes twice a day is fine..probably a lot more than most people to be fair. There's only so much you can talk about in one day.

Sit back and enjoy this time. It's the best part

amandaf675

You sound like me and my bf. Hes 30, Im 23. We live 2 hours away from each other and I had the same hesitations as you do.

Together 18 months now and very much in love. We only might see each other once or twice a month for 2/3 days at a time (Which he works all day so only spend a few evening hours together which hes usually to tired to do anything). We make it work. Having them nerves I think are normal with LD relationships.

I do agree about the friends thing, most of them have come around to me after this lenght but there is still one or 2 who look down on me due to my age and where Im from but Dont let it bother me anymore, Bothers my bf more than me I think!

stop animal cruelty

sorry to bring this old thread up again, l just really need some advice/ support or something.....my mind is just gone overdrive.

lm here crying, scared again what might happen. Was talking to him earlier on the phone and he was in great form, whereas with me, it was like l could only say a few words, like l ran out of things to say or something, it was as if l wasnt in the mood to talk to him. l get like this at times, where l get down and just dont want to talk to anyone, l then end up like this, crying and over thinking. l cant help it.

lt now worries me my bf will pick up on this and just wont be able to put up with it. who would wanna go out with someone whos 1 min is all chat, next min barely get a word out of them. l hate being like this, l dunno was being at home all day with nothing to do a trigger?

l just needed to get that off my chest. lf anyone has any advice or anything l would be grateful.

Mr. RED

Communication is 90% non-verbal; it can be difficult to talk/discuss sh*t properly over a telephone. Think about that for a minute; 90% non-verbal!! I myself don't particularly like talking on the phone at times. I like to see facial expressions; hand movements; body language. I know that is obviously not always possible but it could be a reason for the content of the phonecalls. In summary; don't worry too much about the phone; Breath... and breath...I hope sh*t works out for you!

Tasden

Honestly you're way over thinking things and if you're so worried at such an early stage I'd be worried how it's going to escalate as time goes on and the stakes are higher so to speak.

If you don't have anything to talk about then don't call each other, or else keep it short, store up any news so that when you do see each other or call each other you have stuff to discuss. Things are gonna get very boring/monotonous if you call each other too often and have the same conversations about nothing really. There's really no harm in not being in constant contact, but if you do feel that you want to check in every day maybe just take a minute or two just to say hello and then leave it at that, don't force anything more.

I honestly think you should sit down with him and discuss it, not necessarily spill your guts but just maybe explain that sometimes you can get a little withdrawn and anxious and that he isn't to take offense and maybe suggest ways he could help you, but tbh its your own issue that you need to work on. Maybe you could talk to a professional about how to manage your worries because tbh they do seem a bit excessive- no offence, its normal to be anxious and worry about your relationship but you seem to be extremely anxious about it.

Talking and banter will only improve as things develop between ye because you have more to joke about, in jokes, common stories, things like that. It develops naturally as time goes on and it will get more comfortable and natural as time goes on but not if you're worrying to this extent and trying to force things with multiple phone calls a week.

Myself and my ex only saw each other a few times a week and throughout the week any e-mails or texts would be general things like football talk or funny pictures that we thought would interest the other person, very trivial and not very frequent, the odd "miss you x" text or whatever, and then when we did see each other we'd talk about the personal stuff like news and plans etc. This was mainly because neither of us were mad about phones/social media and we had very busy lives anyway but it worked well for us. Maybe try that?

Do you have many friends/hobbies outside the relationship? If you're not doing much away from him then you're not gonna have much to talk about, and like you said you felt maybe your emotions were because you were at home all day doing nothing. Maybe you're placing too much pressure on the relationship because you're lacking other important aspects in your life?? Maybe I'm bull****ting and reading too much into it though :pac: something to think about though.

Hope this helps

stop animal cruelty

Heya Tasen,

Thanks for your post, it was something like this l was looking for....

lm seeing a counsellor atm and does help alot, l guess its just days l let it really get to me....and l do agree with you my anxiety is excessive....


Talking and banter will only improve as things develop between ye because you have more to joke about, in jokes, common stories, things like that. It develops naturally as time goes on and it will get more comfortable and natural as time goes on but not if you're worrying to this extent and trying to force things with multiple phone calls a week.

lv had alot of rejection in my life and lm scared that if l open up, he will reject me. And no l dont have many friends or hobbies outside the relationship which is something l need to tackle....l know this causes problems too because not have things to do or other people to meet, it doesnt take my mind off things, and also l end up with having nothing to talk about or tell him!

LegacyUser

Hi Op.

I did long distance with my fiancé for almost 3yrs. We had been together for a long time before it and we survived it too.

Basically what we did was text loads. Some people hate texting but it worked for us. We used it to chit chat. It was nothing heavy or serious but messages about random stuff like what we had for lunch, what we were thinking of having for dinner, random stuff from work or home, just easy, happy stuff that made us feel part of the other person's life. We used to talk about twice a day. We wouldn't always have stuff to say. If one of us was tired/ cranky/ upset, we would say it and cut the conversation short to avoid taking it out on the other person. We were honest. Not everyone can be chatty all the time.

As for his friends, I think that until you get to know people, it is hard to be honest. You know that you have stuff to say but you may not be interested in what they are talking about. Why don't you work on it in small steps. Ask one person if they have been to the cinema recently. Talk about a film you have or would like to see. Only insufferable movie buffs will make that awkward.

You need to just fill your day with little things. I went for a walk once and saw a woman collecting fallen twigs and stuffing her car boot full of them. It provided loads of entertainment as we had fun guessing stupid things that she would do with them.

Honestly, baby steps and if all else fails in a conversation, ask if he has seen the paper or a thread on boards.

You will be fine. If I could do it, you can.

Tasden

stop animal cruelty wrote: »

Heya Tasen,

Thanks for your post, it was something like this l was looking for....

lm seeing a counsellor atm and does help alot, l guess its just days l let it really get to me....and l do agree with you my anxiety is excessive....


Talking and banter will only improve as things develop between ye because you have more to joke about, in jokes, common stories, things like that. It develops naturally as time goes on and it will get more comfortable and natural as time goes on but not if you're worrying to this extent and trying to force things with multiple phone calls a week.

lv had alot of rejection in my life and lm scared that if l open up, he will reject me. And no l dont have many friends or hobbies outside the relationship which is something l need to tackle....l know this causes problems too because not have things to do or other people to meet, it doesnt take my mind off things, and also l end up with having nothing to talk about or tell him!

Ok but if things remain the same then you'll be rejected for withdrawing and acting weird for reasons unknown to him. Is it not better to be honest and open and trusting, and yeah you do risk rejection, but it could (and most likely if he cares for you) bring you closer and put you at ease. Rejection from being honest with him is a bullet dodged tbh.

Even if you don't have hobbies or friends there is plenty you could do to keep busy and also provide topics for conversation, watch documentaries/movies/tv shows, read books which you could discuss after, go walking new places... all these things keep you busy and then you have topics for conversation with him. Do you know a craft or skill that you could try teach him or vice versa?

Fair play for seeking help and acknowledging the issues

stop animal cruelty

Tasden wrote: »

Ok but if things remain the same then you'll be rejected for withdrawing and acting weird for reasons unknown to him. Is it not better to be honest and open and trusting, and yeah you do risk rejection, but it could (and most likely if he cares for you) bring you closer and put you at ease. Rejection from being honest with him is a bullet dodged tbh.

Even if you don't have hobbies or friends there is plenty you could do to keep busy and also provide topics for conversation, watch documentaries/movies/tv shows, read books which you could discuss after, go walking new places... all these things keep you busy and then you have topics for conversation with him. Do you know a craft or skill that you could try teach him or vice versa?

Fair play for seeking help and acknowledging the issues

l'm pretty sure l will tell him, l can only bottle up so much for so long til it all just pours out...and this over thinking and wondering what will he think has to stop. Wont be seeing him for 2 weeks til we go on holiday....il prob mention it then, l guess the holiday will be the make or break of us when l open up.....

tbh he wouldnt be interested in any hobby or anything like that....he works the whole time and and when hes off he meets me or just the lads down the pub

Tasden

stop animal cruelty wrote: »

l'm pretty sure l will tell him, l can only bottle up so much for so long til it all just pours out...and this over thinking and wondering what will he think has to stop. Wont be seeing him for 2 weeks til we go on holiday....il prob mention it then, l guess the holiday will be the make or break of us when l open up.....

tbh he wouldnt be interested in any hobby or anything like that....he works the whole time and and when hes off he meets me or just the lads down the pub

Not even doing hobbies as such, but like something either of ye take an interest in. I would have supported an Irish football club whereas my ex would've been more interested in the English clubs so we ended up taking an interest and learning about each others teams/leagues whatnot and discussing news/results and stuff around that. Same with music or tv shows/actors. Stuff like that if I'm making sense here!

The holiday will provide some talking points anyway!