Confused and Upset?

G&T22

Hi all,
Was about to start divorce proceedings at the end of this month. Had everything sorted as in separation agreement etc. and we were both in agreement to do a DIY divorce. Haven't been in touch with ex for a month who has been suffering with mental health issues for years now but has refused any help. Got a call the other day saying that he attempted suicide and was in a psychiatric hospital. His delusions and paranoia had gotten really really bad. Not sure how to feel..... do I blame myself for this? Is it something I could have prevented? I feel so upset and at the same time am glad that now hopefully he will accept the treatment he so badly needs? But then I feel selfish as I was going to start proceedings but I dont want to be inconsiderate at the same time? My father had a similar breakdown at the start of the year so I know how horrible and hard it is seeing that person but not knowing them?! I am really confused what I should do? I think I should leave things for a couple of months but would like others opinions. Thanks

openhealth1

Difficult time for you both. It can be very hard supporting a person with mental health problems when you're going through a tough time yourself. Don't blame yourself for what your ex has done, the fact that you managed to get an agreement to do a DIY divorce means you still have some kind of positive relationship.



Couple of questions may help you decide what to do
Is it essential you get a divorce at this stage?
What will happen if you defer the proceedings?
Could you ring his hospital team and have a chat with them-which might help his treatment plan, but also if you decide to go ahead maybe you could let them know what you are doing? (Make sure they know you are not looking for information, you are trying to help them as they have to protect your ex's confidentiality)
Ask is it better if he gets this information when he is in hospital and has support?
Does he have any friends you could have a chat with to sense where he is at and whether friends can support him?

Once you have more information you may be in a better position to decide what to do.
Make sure you include a personal letter with any proceedings as the standard ones are so cold
best of luck

G&T22

Hi and thanks,
I have thought about it more and starting proceedings as normal seem like the right thing to do? Though I am still feeling like a horrible person doing it. My conclusion was that I would hate more to leave it incase he made progress and then this news would send him back to the start? I need to move on in my life for me and my new family. I will ring his mum first to let her know dreading doing that but I think its the right thing to do? ?

openhealth1

In these situations there are no winners and you are not responsible for your ex's feelings.
I think it would be good though to ring his Mother as you suggest before proceeding, but make sure the Mum knows this is something you've both agreed already and you're just making sure she knows the proceedings will issue shorthly.
best of luck

G&T22

Thanks its good to get that off my chest and to someone who seems to understand but not on any side

desbrook

I know you want to go DIY but a chat witha solicitor may be in order. My hunch is that as he is not fit to sign anything / testify a judge would delay proceedings for a period to see if he recovers sufficiently. I know some hearing go forward despite the non appearance of a party but that's in the case where someone freely chooses not to appear/contest. That is not the case with your ex who seems not free to make any decisions at the present time.

openhealth1

It is a good point re your ex's capacity to consent.
It depends on where the court hearing is as there can be really long delays before getting a court hearing. Maybe check with the court clerk to see what the delays are in your local area. I would recommend getting on the waiting list if there is a long delay if you've decided to go ahead. Getting advice from a solicitor is worthwhile but only go to some one who is personally recommended to you as acting in the client's best interest as I know from personal experience this is not always the case.
Also try getting on the waiting list for FLAC- but it takes a long time.

In the psychiatric hospitals each patient should have access to a voluntary advocate from some one like the Irish advocacy network. So it might be worthwhile contacting them to see if they would talk to your ex. But again they can only talk to your ex if he is agreable to this. But it does show you have attempted to help him.

desbrook

If I was the voluntary advocate the term spousal maintenance would be of great interest to me. Be very careful OP.

G&T22

Thanks for the replies and opinions. I am going to go ahead as planned he had separation agreement and waiver written up by his solicitor signed and witnessed and I signed the same about 20 months ago. In this agreement it declared we would both go ahead with a divorce when the time came. He also contacted me 2 months ago regarding the divorce and wanted to go ahead DIY style and offered to help me get my signatures witnessed. Based on that I want and need to proceed for me and my family. I will be contacting his mum to let her know this is what we agreed on.