I would love a few opinions

NewYork1979

Hi there

There are three things that are concerning me right now.

1) My other half is often not "present" in our relationship, he is stuck to reading various things on his Ipad, if we are watching tv or just sitting someplace. I'm bloody bored of it. We get on great and have a great laugh together and he always comes to me for advice on various things, he always wants to be around me but it feels he isn't present at all and I'm bored of him not talking to me. He is obsessed with the bloody internet. How do I put this to him. I don't wear it at all if we are out and he goes at the phone.

2) He has two younger friends who he sometimes goes out with who live a bit away so he goes to stay with them and they get hammered, my other half is late 30's, they are late 20's. He goes out and I won't hear from him until the following day and usually doesn't really mention much about the night until I ask. I ask because it's normal. I'm very independent myself and I fully respect his life as a person in his own right but this annoys me. It's almost like he wants to relive his youth and doesn't want to answer to anyone and I don't question him in general. I am so annoyed over last night, he text and we were back and forth and then I called him as I was out also and I was being rude to my company, no answer, I said can you call back, no reply, nothing as of now. I just find it so disrespectful. I want to make this very clear that this isn't ok YET AGAIN but I want to say it in a way that he gets it this time!!

We are together a few years, trying for a baby, he works away quite a bit, I am not an insufferable partner, in fact I think that I'm almost a bit too detached towards him regarding coupledom because I'm so independent.

Any advice/opinions are welcome, good or bad.

Thank you.

JeffKenna

OP, how often does he visit these friends? Is if every week or every month?

NewYork1979

Not too often and he has gone out with them with me and he has gone out with them on his own where he leaves early because they are gone off taking drugs. They are nice guys, I've met them loads of times but they love drinking and getting hammered, they are complete devil may cares.

My problem isn't him letting off steam, it's how he forgets about me completely when he is with them. He is either being disrespectful or he just doesn't think of me which makes me a bit sad which is silly. I have to say he is 98% a great guy to me, like I said he is away a lot and we are on Skype every night sometimes for a few hours, it's actually where I get to talk to him more rather than face to face..

I am a firm believer in not going half way to meet trouble in relationships and I kinda feel with these guys he is, there are often drunk girls hanging around. I trust him but I am not naive and I know that put someone in the wrong place at the wrong time and you have a problem. Maybe it's because it's the first time in my life that I am open to being pregnant by someone, I'm protective of this. I'm also either in a relationship or out of it.

daisybelle2008

If he is out with his friends once in a while to blow off steam, then give him a break. If I am out with friends I don't see often, I don't expect them to be in phone contact with a partner who is trying to keep tabs on them.
The mention of 'drunken girls' shows it is out of your insecurity.

If you are feeling insecure and questioning the relationship, hold off on the pregnancy until you are in a better place emotionally. I imagine you might feel more stressed, needy and insecure unless that is addressed before you get pregnant.

Karen8

You sound jealous, insecure and not independent although you don't admit it even to yourself.

JeffKenna

Karen8 wrote: »

You sound jealous, insecure and not independent although you don't admit it even to yourself.

Unfortunately this is how you come across. If it were a situation that your boyfriend was out every week doing this then I could perhaps understand as you are planning to have a baby with this man. However if it is not a regular occurrence then you need to give him a bit of slack, for your own sake more than anyone else. It doesn't reflect well on you to be ringing him checking up (and let's be honest that's how it comes across) the one night his out.

On the other hand I don't think a goodnight text from your boyfriend would go astray either...

NewYork1979

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

Yes I think I've a few things I need to work out myself that perhaps I am projecting onto himself, that's the crux of it. I do think there are a few things that are not ok that he does and I will address them but I'm going to work out what the hell is going on in my own head. I am quite independent that I do know but I am insecure for a few reasons and hand on heart right now do I trust him, not 100%.

It helped to write this down, so thanks for reading.

Any advice on the flipping Ipad/phone would be welcome.

Chattastrophe!

As regards the iPad/phone, have you tried talking to him about it?

Has he always been like this, or is it a new thing? It's a bit unfair to try to make him change if he's been like that since you met. Both myself and my boyfriend tend to be messing with our phones a lot of the time, even when in each others company - it works for us, because we're both the same and we understand each other. There's nothing odd or weird about it - not to us anyways - we're both usually browsing news sites or Facebook or Boards, we'll often message each other with articles etc even while in the same room. I'm not sure you even have to understand it - maybe it's just a hobby of his that you have to accept, even if you don't really get it and have no interest in it.

Having said that, if we were out for a meal or date together, we definitely wouldn't have the phones out. I'd make it clear to him that you're not OK with this. I'd feel like a bit of a gobshite if we were out for dinner and he was sitting across the table from me playing on his phone. On the other hand, when we're chilling out at home watching TV together? We're both often messing on the internet, while chatting and commenting on whatever's on TV at the same time, and it's cool.

You were saying that you can chat on Skype for hours, and he comes to you for advice etc, so it sounds like communication isn't a huge issue for the two of you.

As for the friends that - well, you haven't said it in so many words - but it seems you disapprove of them somewhat? To me, that would be a non-issue. You mightn't see what he sees in them, but they're his mates. They're not going to "lead him astray" or whatever - if you trust him, it shouldn't matter one bit who he's hanging out with - just as long as it's not all the time, and as long as you're getting "couple time" as well as him getting time with his friends.

I'd come to terms with these issues before trying for a baby. Honestly though I get the impression that it's overall a happy healthy relationship, and it doesn't sound to me like there are major issues that can't be resolved through talking and compromise.

One thing that I wouldn't be concerned about though - you said he's away a lot, how's that going to work out if you do get pregnant? Will he be home more after the baby is born, or will you have additional support ... how would you cope if you had a C Section? The early weeks and months are tough going, you'd definitely want to consider how much he'd be around when/if the time comes!

NewYork1979

I guess it is a hobby of his as such and I do respect it but sometimes I want to break the thing! We would often be emailing things to each other and showing each other jokes but sometimes!!!!!! An example would be we open a bottle of wine sitting on the couch, no TV on, we are sitting chatting and he will still be at the Ipad. I dunno sometimes it's a bit much for me.

We can work out the timing of when he is away if and when there is a bundle at home, that will be ok.

We do have a great relationship and these are things that I guess just bother me from time to time. I know you guys think I ring to check up on him but I literally never ring him when he is out, that's the truth of it. I rang last night because I was out myself and the texting was rude on my part. To me sometimes it seems that he is fighting against the system, I'm going out, I'm staying out and you'll know no more. A goodnight text wouldn't go astray.

I don't mind his friends, they are good people, I laugh at the carry on more than anything. I do believe in not going half way to meet trouble though. He did test my trust in him a number of months ago, he didn't cheat but he made/makes me question him, he's a very good looking man too. I need to address my own issues of trust, I know that.

cactusgal

Op, for what it's worth, the iPad stuff would drive me insane, esp if you're having a quiet night in with a bottle of wine, no TV on, etc. I'm only compelled to go online while in company with others if I'm feeling bored or restless. If my boyfriend was going online constantly when he's with me, I'd be presuming he must be finding the internet more interesting than me, and that wouldn't be ok!

Have you told him how much it bothers you? I'd say you should suggest a "no iPad" time, but that might sound mammyish and controlling

It could be a generational thing. Judging from your username, you're around the same age as me ... not long ago, I was out for a meal with a group of young 20-somethings and they literally spent the entire meal on their phones, posting online about how much fun they were having, but ignoring the people they were actually with. Weerd!

Mr. Incognito

So you want him to not look at the internet or ever go out.

If it was a boyfriend saying these things to a woman the responses would be apoletic.

Give the guy a break ffs. You are his partner. Thats 50% of his time. Not 100%

MagicMarker

Is he going to continue spending entire nights with his friends doing drugs when you have a child together?

bee06

MagicMarker wrote: »

Is he going to continue spending entire nights with his friends doing drugs when you have a child together?

OP said that he leaves early when the friends do drugs and the nights out are occasional. Someone's life shouldn't stop completely when they have a child.

OP you don't want him on his phone when he's with you, you think it's rude to be on your phone when out but you expect him to contact you when he's out. It's a bit of double standards going on.

NewYork1979

bee06 wrote: »

OP said that he leaves early when the friends do drugs and the nights out are occasional. Someone's life shouldn't stop completely when they have a child.

OP you don't want him on his phone when he's with you, you think it's rude to be on your phone when out but you expect him to contact you when he's out. It's a bit of double standards going on.

No I don't expect him to be on the phone to me, I was done texting and just wanted to say a quick hello rather than text him. Trust me, he wasn't trying to not be rude by not answering my call, he is often on his phone.

I've admitted of my own bits to sort out but I'm not a bunny boiler.

NewYork1979

MagicMarker wrote: »

Is he going to continue spending entire nights with his friends doing drugs when you have a child together?

He may do so, as Bee said, life goes on even though he might be a father.

NewYork1979

Also, the fact he didn't answer was not my problem, I text and said could he talk and he sent me a smart one and I left it at that, heard nothing until lunchtime, so it's a bit not giving a s**t out of him. Maybe I'm wrong and fair play if that wouldn't annoy people.

MagicMarker

bee06 wrote: »

OP said that he leaves early when the friends do drugs and the nights out are occasional. Someone's life shouldn't stop completely when they have a child.

Apologies, I misread.

I think the OP is getting a hard time here though. I don't think it's unreasonable to put the phone/ipad down if you want to spend quality time with your partner.

Likewise, the OP clearly wanted to speak over the phone for a minute rather than constantly take the phone out to text when in the company of friends, I don't find this unreasonable. Also, the fact that he ignored her call and then her text was kind of rude.

Mr. Incognito

MagicMarker wrote: »

Is he going to continue spending entire nights with his friends doing drugs when you have a child together?

Drugs werent mentioned?

I presume when they have a child he will still have a life

NewYork1979

To be fair he rarely does the drug thing and you know while I am not a fan, it's rare. Do I like it, no but as I keep saying, I don't demand he stops his life for me.

I think maybe I've a heightened sense of protecting our relationship over the pregnancy thing.

bee06

NewYork1979 wrote: »

Also, the fact he didn't answer was not my problem, I text and said could he talk and he sent me a smart one and I left it at that, heard nothing until lunchtime, so it's a bit not giving a s**t out of him. Maybe I'm wrong and fair play if that wouldn't annoy people.

You have said you are quite independent so maybe he thought you'd be grand until lunch doing your own thing. Of course I don't know what he said in the text. The thing about insecurities is the can make us read things into a situation that aren't there. I say us because I'm guilty of doing that myself.

I do think being constantly on the iPad is too much though.

NewYork1979

I've said to him before that I don't mind him being out whenever he wants to but I find the fact that he goes out with them and I know he won't contact me, very odd. The following day then he doesn't even mention it. It's really like he wants to relive his youth. I told him in a nice way that it would be nice if he sent the odd text to say goodnight and I said this in a nice way, not a bunny boiler way. He doesn't get it.

daisybelle2008

NewYork1979 wrote: »

I've said to him before that I don't mind him being out whenever he wants to but I find the fact that he goes out with them and I know he won't contact me, very odd. The following day then he doesn't even mention it. It's really like he wants to relive his youth. I told him in a nice way that it would be nice if he sent the odd text to say goodnight and I said this in a nice way, not a bunny boiler way. He doesn't get it.

OP, you said there was an issue that caused you to question trusting him a few months ago. Do you think this has maybe triggered how you are feeling now? I think it runs a bit deeper than needing a good night text. Planning a pregnancy may be throwing all this to the forefront in your thoughts. Maybe your gut is trying to tell you something.

Babooshka

NewYork1979 wrote: »

I've said to him before that I don't mind him being out whenever he wants to but I find the fact that he goes out with them and I know he won't contact me, very odd. The following day then he doesn't even mention it. It's really like he wants to relive his youth. I told him in a nice way that it would be nice if he sent the odd text to say goodnight and I said this in a nice way, not a bunny boiler way. He doesn't get it.

I don't think approaching this as his behaviour is wrong/yours is right or vice cersa is the problem here. It sounds to me like you're unhappy with his behaviour and you feel a bit ignored when he's out and there is nothing wrong with that. I don't think having a baby will make all of this ok though. If you're unhappy I would listen to what's going on inside of you. If you don't feel you have your partners full support and love and you're asking a bunch of strangers for solutions to it before you can even talk to him and work it through with him, then I would really suggest you put the foot on the brake with the relationship until you know where you're at. Sitting at home with a crying baby while the father's missing for whole nights isn't something I would look forward to. I'm not saying he is wrong and you're right, it really isn't about that, it's about whether or not the relationship works for you and provides you with what you need, and it doesn't sound like it does to be honest.