How do I put this to him?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I know in the grand scheme of things and some of the problems I see in PI this may seem a bit insignificant but its bothering me and I need a little advise on how to approach a problem I have with my long term partner.

We are together a few years living and have two young children.

My partner has always had a higher sex drive but its never been a major issue between us. We are very much in love, he is brilliant in everything in our relationship well except this little thing...

Lately I noticed one or two stains on the sheets of our bed or duvet covers when I was washing them, at first I thought maybe I had put on a high enough wash ect

But about 2 weeks ago I woke up to my partner masturbating in the bed beside me. Now of course I just pretended to be asleep but this really disgusted me. Like a time and a place. It just seems disrespectful or a little bit perverted to this while I'm asleep beside him.

Now I'm no prude, I have masturbated before although a long time ago but he is a grown man in his 30's. We have sex maybe once a fortnight which I thought is sufficient (obviously not) but I am happy maybe once a month to be honest but compromises ect

Thing is he could do this in the shower if he wanted to, I cant stop him but I don't want him doing this in our bed especially when I am there!

I can talk to him about anything but I don't want to 1) embarrass us both by having this conversation 2) him harping on about more sex, I'm happy the way it is

How do I put this to him? Writing this anonymously on the internet feels uncomfortable enough with discussing this with him. He's quite sensitive at the best of times, I don't want to hurt his feelings or turn it into a fight, I just want him to stop acting like a teenager.

How would you go about letting him know this isn't acceptable behaviour? Its not your typical situation I know!

Neyite

It probably is quite common I'd imagine. Once a fortnight is not going to sort morning wood.

I dunno how you'd handle it. Maybe if you wake up exclaming 'Wha...What's going on??, Is there an earthquake???!!!" every time he does it might prompt him to find a more secluded time and place.

Or you could just say to him 'You woke me the other night when you were taking care of business, and interrupted my sleep. Please dont do that again when I'm beside you"

Dont think you should suggest the shower though. As well as being bad for the environment to waste water, think of the future water charges if he adds another 5 mins onto his daily shower.

kylith

Firstly, there is nothing unusual for a man in his thirties to be masturbating. IMO it would be more unusual for him not to. For me the issue would be doing it in bed while I was trying to sleep. I guess the best thing would be just to say that you would appreciate it if he went to the bathroom, or give him some space during the day that he can have some private time in the bedroom so he can do it in comfort.

I don't think there is anything you can do about him 'harping on' about wanting to have sex more often. I think that most men would like to have sex more often than one a fortnight. If he brings it up that is just a conversation you will have to have with him.

bee06

You say you're happy with once a fortnight but he obviously isn't. I think there is a bigger issue here that needs to be dealt with.

fergie24

Speaking as a man in his 30's having sex once a fortnight isnt really that often and if he has a high sex drive like you said then maybe 3times a week may cut it for him.
It is kind of weird masturbating in the bed while you are sleep or trying to sleep, maybe he hopes you will wake up and take care of business so to speak?
Would you rather him do it in bed beside you or in a room in front of a computer looking at porn? I think i know what most women would prefer.

Penny Tration

Tbh, while I understand you not wanting him masturbating next to you, you really need to realise that most people with a healthy sex drive are gonna be aroused more than once a fortnight. I'm female and honestly, I couldn't stay in a relationship if my boyfriend decided we were only gonna have sex twice a month.

I think before you tackle the masturbation issue, you should tackle the sex issue. You say you don't want him harping on about it. Would you rather he never spoke of it, and grew to resent you? It's something that you need to talk about, and explore the options.

beks101

Tbh OP this is all a matter of perspective. Personally if I woke up to my bf masturbating beside me a more likely reaction would be that I'd be turned on and 'help him out', than turn away disgusted. There's nothing wrong or bad or distespectful about it - it's just a man with a high sex drive.

I think your attitude towards sex in general versus his appetite for it is the problem here. He obviously senses you're happy with the status quo and not willing to offer him anything further, so he's taking matter into his own hands as it were.

Why are you not willing to have a conversation about potentially compromising and having more sex? That to me is far more disrespectful and neglectful of the needs of someone you love than what you woke up to tbh.

December2012

I don't think it's unacceptable. To be honest I think it's more unacceptable that you are trying to restrict his sexual pleasures even more than you presently are.

He has a right to masturbate in his own bed!

He has his own sex drive, he's not complaining to you or putting you under pressure to make love with him more than you do, so he's taking care of his own pleasures and needs.

He is a grown man and shouldn't be relegated to masturbating in the shower just to suit you.

MagicMarker

I don't see the problem. You're not giving it to him so he's doing it himself. I don't see an issue with him doing it in bed either, you've only been disturbed by it once so it's not like it's some big inconvenience.

I agree with the others that only having sex once or twice a month is the real issue.

coolbeans

Have you considered that you're presently getting it all your own way? Sex twice a month because that's what you're happy with. No choking the baldy man in the bed cos you're disgusted by it. Have you given any consideration at all to his needs?

westernlad4x

What the OP describes reminds me of my marriage.
I am male and now in my 40s but a big gulf in sex drive has been a major issue in my marriage since even the early days (early 30s).
The take home message though is that my wife's refusal to properly sit down and discuss it has led to a severe strain in our relationship.
Essentially I am miserable, low self esteem and it has affected even my confidence in employment and social confidence as a man.

In our case long periods of one-sided celibacy happen that have extended to 8 and even 12 months.
I am always the one who eventually has to break the silence and raise it with my wife.
I know she is generally avoiding "the talk".
I've never actually masturbated to climax while she is in the bed asleep next to me as I feel it is giving in to the whole situation and frankly I cannot get off without there being some element of her approval being involved.

Mind you I have on occasions (out of sheer frustration) started the motions of it and I am not quite sure why I have.
I think it is because I am sad that I haven't climaxed in her presence for such a long time.
A couple of things in your post remind me of what I think might be going on in my own wife's mind. For example, the idea that she is happy with the low frequency of intimacy and a sense of stubborness not to approach any compromise with me.
Also her avoiding a proper and sensitive chat of what each of our needs are without prejudging each other.
Actually, this bit is the most hurtful bit to me as her husband.
It is as if this person I married has distanced themselves from me and couldn't care less about my sexuality and has just got into some kind of comfort zone.
It has taken me years to realise and admit to myself that she is (even though she doesn't realise it) being quite selfish in that regard.

Zen65

Hi Op,

Like other posters here I do feel that you may be looking at this issue with blinkers on, and without allowing your ability to empathise help you to see the whole picture. You painted a lovely picture of your partner in your introduction:

AdviseMe wrote: »

My partner has always had a higher sex drive but its never been a major issue between us. We are very much in love, he is brilliant in everything in our relationship well except this little thing...

I find myself wondering whether he would be able to say the same about you? Maybe he can, but it does seem that the "one thing" that he might speak of is your unwillingness to have an open discussion about how he feels in a relationship where his sex drive is hugely compromised, and in some ways (I should say you have not really spelled out this aspect of the relationship) his feelings are simply ignored rather than having a conversation that you may not like to have.

Don't misunderstand my advice: No woman, and no man, should find themselves in a relationship being pressurised to have sex when they do not want it. There is a difference however between wanting to not have it, and simply not actively wanting it.

I do not actively want to cook a meal for my family on Sundays, but once I start it I do enjoy making a tasty meal . . . it's just the initial effort that turns me off. Likewise if you simply do not have a high sexual libido you might not want to initiate sex, but if you did initiate it perhaps you may in fact enjoy it? If this is how it is for you then maybe you might ask yourself if it's reasonable to make an effort to initiate slightly more often?

Conversely if the idea of having sex actually repulses you then you have deeper issues to face up to, and forcing yourself to have more is not a reasonable nor healthy option. Nor is it healthy to not have a conversation about why that is.

As for the issue of staining your sheets: If it turns out your partner actually enjoys masturbating in bed then it's very reasonable for you to ask him to wear a condom when he does it, so that he does not leave an unpleasant stain / smell in the bed. I think that's a very reasonable thing to ask.

Seeing his action as disrespectful is really very strange, IMO. What he seems to be doing is sorting himself out, when he has the urge, while attempting to not disturb your sleep. I could see how many people would see his actions as very considerate of you, which is in keeping with your earlier description of him.

Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

Honestly Op it sounds like you have some fairly serious issues with regards to sex. masturbation is perfectly healthy and natural, not 'disgusting' or 'perverted'. Sex once a fortnight is hardly a compromise either, once a week maybe... You're in your 30s, have kids and you're embarrassed to discuss sex! You sound more than a little sexually repressed to be frank.

Perhaps it would be no harm to consult your GP about your very low sex drive, to rule out any hormone imbalances, or look into seeing it's a result of the pill you're on. I'm not sure how anyone could be expected to stay in a relationship with a partner who only wanted sex once or twice a month and found them taking care of their perfectly natural urges as disgusting, perverse and teenagery to be very blunt.

beks101

AdviseMe wrote: »

But about 2 weeks ago I woke up to my partner masturbating in the bed beside me. Now of course I just pretended to be asleep but this really disgusted me. Like a time and a place. It just seems disrespectful or a little bit perverted to this while I'm asleep beside him.

Having thought about this a bit more, I find this reaction quite alarming. You speak of a 'time and place' - how about in the night/morning in his own bed with his partner beside him?

Why should he have to slink off to the bathroom, or feel ashamed about doing what is perfectly natural and normal (and NOT a behaviour strictly reserved to teenagers...I mean really? Do you actually believe that?) and I'd hazard a guess that this narrow-minded, shameful, scheduled mindset you're taking towards sex - as though it's a chore you need to 'check off the list' once or twice a month - is really ruining this man and wreaking havoc with his confidence. I'd take the post written by a married man above as a warning sign of what's to come if you don't tackle this head on.

A 'high sex drive' does not constitute wanting to have sex with your partner more than twice a month. A 'high sex drive' does not constitute spanking the monkey in your own bed every so often. That's what's called NORMAL, and healthy, and expected in most adult relationships. Perhaps it's time to take the spotlight off your boyfriend and ask yourself a few questions about your own behaviour and attitudes - such as why you are so opposed to more sexual activity with your boyfriend, and why him engaging in sexual activity 'disgusts' you so much.

triple nipple

OP is a major beatch, how could you expect anyone to be happy with twice a month ??? you sound annoyed that he dare raise the issue of making love more than twice in a month. I really think you should talk to him and compromise to some degree, maybe even improve your sex life for both of you before he improves it with someone else ! I agree he definitely shouldn't be doing that beside you ! anyway that's my two cents beat of luck :-)

shalalala

I am female and was living with someone with a lower sex drive than me. I tried to address the issues but we have since broken up.

When the issues were not resolved I used to have to go into the bedroom slightly earlier and do my thing while he stayed on his computer.

This was not healthy really I would feel weird someone doing it in the bed beside me unless it was a type of foreplay or he was going to wake me up to join in.

As other posters have said, this is part of a bigger issue that you both need to talk about. Infact I think it is amazing that you haven't spoken about it and that you think once a fortnight is a comprise. Counselling might help because there is usually a deeper problem in the relationship that needs addressing.

Stavro Mueller

In answer to your original question I can't think of any way that you can bring this topic up without someone being embarrassed. More pointedly, it's hard to see how you can avoid the elephant in the room. Reading between the lines I get the impression that the pair of you don't discuss sex. I notice you said "We have sex maybe once a fortnight which I thought is sufficient (obviously not) but I am happy maybe once a month to be honest but compromises etc" You also said earlier in the thread that he'd always had a higher sex drive and that it wasn't a problem. Maybe it wasn't then but it could be now.

Anyway you've got two choices here. Either you bring the subject up and end up having to discuss the very thing you've suppressed discussion on. Or you just put up and shut up.

xElDeeX

I hope the replies here don't send you running in the other direction but this might be a good wake up call for you. Maybe it's the pill? Maybe it's an issue from your childhood or attitudes of parents? It does seem that you have some kind of problem with sex and your own sexuality. Please try to let go of denial or embarrassment and get some help.

Yes, people have variation in sex drives but having an attitude that the act is a chore or that masturbation within a relationship is somehow perverted I find strange. As a female with a moderately high sex drive I would be extremely annoyed if a partner banned that in my own bed regardless of how active we were!

Even within relationships with high levels of activity it is still pretty normal to get yourself off. Give your guy a break and focus on finding out what the root of your own problem is. And for goodness sake talk to someone about it....a problem shared and all that.

westernlad4x

I do hope that the OP isn't taken aback by the responses.
I am only giving my perspectives as a man who is been at the other end of this and really trying to help put an honest angle on it.

I now recall clearly why I have on rare occasions initiated masturbation in the same bed as my barely awake wife.
It was an effort to see if I could feel close next to her and climax and fantasize about *her* and not let my thoughts and desires stray to some third party.
In other words, a way to re-connect to my wife.
It probably seems bizarre - but she was never initiating for months on end.
I still loved and wanted to love her and her lack of interest was driving me insane and into areas where I would be tempted to fantasize about other women.

In effect, I wanted to be able to be sexual and not stray into an illicit relationship and yes I did hope she might wake up and well.. give me help.

The lack of regular intimacy and her refusal to confront the issue - a problem shared,etc meant that I've been tormented trying to "fix" my marriage while often trying to keep the devil of temptation off my back.

Without being crude - there is a fair chance when he is getting off beside you in bed he is channeling his sexual attraction to you. If he is sent off to the shower,etc - then he will most likely be fantasizing about a filmstar or worse still a girl at the office because he is going to feel very removed and shunned by you. He will feel rejection. The first stage is mental cheating.. and it could definitely progress.

Big Bag of Chips

triple nipple, welcome to the Personal Issues Forum. Take a minute to read the site rules and our forum charter, before posting again. Attacking the poster by name calling is never acceptable.

LegacyUser

I am going to say the following to you - he is masturbating because you won't have sex with him more than once every two weeks.
You are complaining over this but what you do expect him to do?
Would you prefer this or how would you feel if he told you it is over because he has met someone who likes sex?

The reality is that you need to make more of an effort in regards to your sex life.
I know some woman who are on the pill and they find that some pills make them want sex less. Also if you have any unknown health problems ie low iron, low b vitamin levels or troyid problems it can effect your general mood and could effect your sex drive.

Relationships require give and take. Sex should be part of a relationship. You should be willing and able to talk about things to make your relationship better.
At this stage you need to get a general health exam and get blood tests. You need to chat to your partner about your relationship and sex life rather than lying there every night and complaining about this.

nc19

AdviseMe wrote: »

Hi everyone,

I know in the grand scheme of things and some of the problems I see in PI this may seem a bit insignificant but its bothering me and I need a little advise on how to approach a problem I have with my long term partner.

We are together a few years living and have two young children.

My partner has always had a higher sex drive but its never been a major issue between us. We are very much in love, he is brilliant in everything in our relationship well except this little thing...

Lately I noticed one or two stains on the sheets of our bed or duvet covers when I was washing them, at first I thought maybe I had put on a high enough wash ect

But about 2 weeks ago I woke up to my partner masturbating in the bed beside me. Now of course I just pretended to be asleep but this really disgusted me. Like a time and a place. It just seems disrespectful or a little bit perverted to this while I'm asleep beside him.

Now I'm no prude, I have masturbated before although a long time ago but he is a grown man in his 30's. We have sex maybe once a fortnight which I thought is sufficient (obviously not) but I am happy maybe once a month to be honest but compromises ect

Thing is he could do this in the shower if he wanted to, I cant stop him but I don't want him doing this in our bed especially when I am there!

I can talk to him about anything but I don't want to 1) embarrass us both by having this conversation 2) him harping on about more sex, I'm happy the way it is

How do I put this to him? Writing this anonymously on the internet feels uncomfortable enough with discussing this with him. He's quite sensitive at the best of times, I don't want to hurt his feelings or turn it into a fight, I just want him to stop acting like a teenager.

How would you go about letting him know this isn't acceptable behaviour? Its not your typical situation I know!

jesus! You sound a joy to be married to.

you have issues with sex whether you want to admit or not. Why the hell should he have to stop his bit of fun and a release? Just because hes in his 30s as you say? Thats ridiculous! I plan to still be doing it in my 90s. Granted, doing it in bed beside you is not on but you sound annoyed by the fact that you cant stop him doing it all together!
Once a fortnight for a young married couple is also a bit sad and leads me back to your issues. I say issues because I feel its clear by what you say that you do have issues, I mean you dont even feel comfortable talking to your own husband about sex!!

I would say 1 or 2 times a week for a married couple together 10+ yrs would be the norm.

I think you would benefit for some counselling tbh

Papaya148

westernlad4x wrote: »

What the OP describes reminds me of my marriage.
I am male and now in my 40s but a big gulf in sex drive has been a major issue in my marriage since even the early days (early 30s).
The take home message though is that my wife's refusal to properly sit down and discuss it has led to a severe strain in our relationship.
Essentially I am miserable, low self esteem and it has affected even my confidence in employment and social confidence as a man.

In our case long periods of one-sided celibacy happen that have extended to 8 and even 12 months.
I am always the one who eventually has to break the silence and raise it with my wife.
I know she is generally avoiding "the talk".
I've never actually masturbated to climax while she is in the bed asleep next to me as I feel it is giving in to the whole situation and frankly I cannot get off without there being some element of her approval being involved.

Mind you I have on occasions (out of sheer frustration) started the motions of it and I am not quite sure why I have.
I think it is because I am sad that I haven't climaxed in her presence for such a long time.
A couple of things in your post remind me of what I think might be going on in my own wife's mind. For example, the idea that she is happy with the low frequency of intimacy and a sense of stubborness not to approach any compromise with me.
Also her avoiding a proper and sensitive chat of what each of our needs are without prejudging each other.
Actually, this bit is the most hurtful bit to me as her husband.
It is as if this person I married has distanced themselves from me and couldn't care less about my sexuality and has just got into some kind of comfort zone.
It has taken me years to realise and admit to myself that she is (even though she doesn't realise it) being quite selfish in that regard.

Seriously, it's time to let her know that you need regular sex or you'll be getting it elsewhere.

Taltos

Hi Papaya148

welcome to PI/RI. As a new poster here can I please ask you to read our charter before you post again. Key message from there is if you have no constructive advice for the OP please don't post. Your post above to another poster is considered off topic and is not helpful (directly) to the OP.

Thanks
Taltos

daveohdave

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

More pointedly, it's hard to see how you can avoid the elephant in the room

It's the elephant I feel sorry for.

OP, I've done it next to the wife in the bed, both when she's awake and asleep. She thinks you're funny. You need to adjust your attitudes and more importantly you need to talk to your husband. Expecting him to take himself off to the small room when he needs release is positively puritan.

westernlad4x

There was an agony aunt letter (Q&A) in Irish Times some months ago in the Life/Health section. I think Kathryn Holmquist was the agony aunt who responded.
It was about a woman who had discovered her son had started masturbating.
She recounted how she had asked her husband to have a chat with her son about sexuality.
The woman wrote in to the column because she was shocked that her husband admitted he (husband, himself) regularly masturbated for relief.

The woman was utterly shocked and explained that she more or less set the frequency of intercourse with her husband to about once per month.

There were certain religious (upbringing) overtones in how the woman described her world view on sexuality.
Some people were so shocked by her attitude that they thought the letter was a fake.
That dilemma as posed by the wife resonates a lot with the OP's post here.

In that case also - I believe the wife genuinely believes she is doing good but has (in my opinion, anyway) lost the plot.

I can tell you that, as a man - if his wife/partner starts ignoring sexuality to a point where she cannot talk openly and honestly about mutual sexual desires then the marriage will inevitably go downhill (unless both needs are being met , at least with some level of agreed compromise).

I can only stress that - lack of open and honest communication on matters sexual has meant (in my case) that I have ended up on occasions feeling like a pervert for wanting to have sex more than once a month. It has fecked up my whole feeling of male identity and masculinity.

It means pent up frustration when interacting with other females in ordinary situations. You feel like you are not being taken care of at home and confusion sets in and the one person who you are meant to have a close bond with to even discuss the frustration with is unavailable for comment.

Carlos Orange

Masturbation isn't something teenagers do , it is something people do. Especially male ones. 40% of US men masturbate weekly or more often and I wouldn't think Irish men are that different.

http://io9.com/how-often-men-and-women-masturbate-by-age-1583854130

If you can't talk to him about it then increasing the frequency of sex would probably reduce it or you could try to structure things so he has more private time when he could partake without worrying about you or the kids interrupting.

ShaShaBear

While I was heavily pregnant I would often wake up to my partner sorting himself out in the bed beside me. Apart from the obvious fact that I was delighted he wasn't doing it in front of the computer to pictures of his ex or a girl at work, it was a relief for me at the time because I wasn't able to keep up with him. I would much rather he masturbate than cheat or do nothing and start resenting me!

Besides, I found it rather flattering that the mood would strike him while looking at me open-mouthed, drooling and snoring. That's true love right there :rolleyes:

Mickey Dazzler

You need to put out more.

westernlad4x

ShaShaBear wrote: »

While I was heavily pregnant I would often wake up to my partner sorting himself out in the bed beside me. Apart from the obvious fact that I was delighted he wasn't doing it in front of the computer to pictures of his ex or a girl at work, it was a relief for me at the time because I wasn't able to keep up with him. I would much rather he masturbate than cheat or do nothing and start resenting me!

Besides, I found it rather flattering that the mood would strike him while looking at me open-mouthed, drooling and snoring. That's true love right there :rolleyes:

I really admire your healthy attitude ShaShaBear.
That really sounds like a very sturdy relationship and definitely based on warmth, affection, love (not to mention common sense).
A breath of fresh air - and I hope you and hubby have many years of sublime happiness.
I cannot get to the bottom of the much more puritanical/restrictive view of sex and intimacy as a chore aside from 2 people falling out of love.

I don't know if it comes from subliminal messages during childhood/adolescense about dirty boys/men like the old adage from convent nuns advising girls to only to sit on a lads knee if you had a large hardback volume or telephone directory in between !!

I realise it is horses for courses - however, I am sure that many's a man who married someone who developed that world view of sexuality didn't realise that they were marrying into that kind of narrowing attitude.
I really don't want to be judgemental on the OP and would be extremely curious to hear her side of things and how she really views healthy sexual relationships.

beks101

I guess at this stage it would be prudent to ask you if you really do still truly fancy your boyfriend OP?

You mention you are "very much in love" as a couple, but what does that mean to you? He's a good father? An attentive partner? How has your sex life been with this man historically? Did you ever have sex more frequently than a couple of times a month?

I'm not uneasy or uncomfortable with the prospect of waking up to my boyfriend masturbating beside me because I fancy him something stupid. I love having sex with him and all activity associated, watching him get his rocks off with me beside him would be hot to me. It wouldn't be though, if I didn't like having sex with him and I wasn't sexually attracted to him.

I notice too that you said you haven't masturbated in years. Why? Just don't feel the need or the urge? It doesn't cross your mind?

Based on that, it would seem to me to be a sexual compatibility issue. Someone who doesn't masturbate, or understand the urge to, and only feels like having sex once or twice a month is simply incompatible with someone else who has a high sex drive - it's just never going to work.

Two things to think about.

FurBabyMomma

I'm in the same boat as ShaShaBear, I'm heavily pregnant and have not felt sexy or in the mood for sex for months. I love my husband dearly and I don't expect his sex drive to die just because my has and I feel he has every right to be satisfied sexually. I'd be devastated if he was off with some other woman. Him pleasuring himself in bed I would consider normal, healthy and respectful of both my feelings and his.

we'llallhavetea

Once a fortnight is insane to me. If I was withholding sex from my boyfriend I'd imagine he would implode as he has quite a high sex drive. Honestly if I was too tired to have sex I wouldn't have a problem with him **** in the bed beside me and that applies the other way around too.
I am also shocked that the op seems to not have masturbated since her younger years?! Any night my bf is away I have a fap? !

westernlad4x

I wouldn't want to make assumptions about the state of mind of the OP's husband/partner.
However, a poignant scene in an Oscar winning movie reminds me of a stereotype for a relationship that is slowly but surely unwinding in a tragic way.
In the opening scenes of American Beauty, the main male character portrayed by Kevin Spacey gives a monologue about his humdrum life in suburbia and it cuts to a scene of him sorting himself out in the shower.
He says sarcastically that it is high point of his day and everything goes downhill after that.

It becomes obvious after a short while that his wife is (whether she realises or not) very controlling, unattentive and cold towards him and you can see all the tension and lack of lightness in the household at the dinner table and how it has spilled over to the overall family dynamic.
His wife, it seems is living out a kind of all clean, house proud exterior and yet the family is imploding from within.
The main character eventually caves in and ends up being foolish and sleeping with a girl far too young for him and worse ensues.

I definitely wouldn't want to draw any direct parallels with the issues raised in this post but it is, nonetheless food for thought.
It seems to portray a wife who has become blissfully ignorant of her husbands needs and they are only sharing same roof for "the sake of the kids"