Controlling BF or am I blowing all out of proportion?

LegacyUser

Ok think I need some outsider perspective on this as right now my blood is boiling so I'm not really sure whether or not I'm thinking clearly!

Been seeing my boyfriend since the end of April & we're officially exclusive since roughly the end of May. We get on great, have a laugh & generally get on really well.....until about a week ago....

I'm a bit of a fitness freak - I've always gone to the gym & play sport but have become even more health conscious since I had an illness 2 years ago. Earlier this year I started weight training a number of mornings a week before work & the commute across town to get to the weight training gym on time (so that I will also be on time for work) involves me getting up at half 5 3 mornings a week. Now can I stress that I was doing this before I met my BF. He on the other hand has never - and never will - set foot in a gym! He plays football so is in great shape but thinks I'm mad!

So we started staying over in each other's houses during the week pretty soon after we were official but only ever on nights that I wasnt to be up early the following morning. But he has since started asking if he can come over on nights that I am up early the following morning cos he loves spending time with me. Fair enough, I enjoy his company too so it was all going great for a few weeks - happy days.
Then he started getting huffy when I wanted to just go to sleep & he wanted to "fool around" if ya get what I mean so I thought ok fair enough think we're going to have to knock this on the head on the nights before I'm up for weight training so I told him that & he said ok fine. Roll on last night, he asked could he stay even tho i was up early, & I said ok as long as you know i'll be going to bed at x time & he said "ya that's fine I just want to spend time with you as I wont be seeing you tomorrow evening". So I said grand. So he came over - he was kinda in bad form when he got to mine but mellowed out a little after a while. & he happily came to bed at the same time as me.
Then this morning when it was time to get up he starts making snide comments about how much "fun" I am and how I'm like an old granny. I just said that I never asked him to come over but his response is always "I want to spend time with you" & I feel I have no counter argument to that whatsoever as I do want to spend time with him too but also really really need my sleep!

So he had mailed me today when I got in & I replied but then it shortly spiralled into an all out bitchfest via email & when I asked what his problem was his response was:
"Its a problem cos I want to spend time with you but your life is dictated by weights. Childlike bed times, and a "fun" rota that would be better served to someone in an old age home. And no I'd hate for you to give up something you enjoy for something you obviously dont."
When I tried to stick up for myself I was branded a liar as I have mentioned a number of times (when I was really wrecked getting up!) that I'd be packing it in soon (the weights) but then I really really enjoy the class so why would I give up something I enjoy & that i've always done. When I asked him that he said something along the lines of why would he expect me to change my fitness regime for him & that he's fine being no. 2 to the gym.

I think I need some outsider perspective, am I being daft to not want to change my routine for him? I'd happily change to the evenings, but with work I can never be sure to get out on time to make the evening classes so getting up & doing them before work just makes far more sense to me.
I'm supposed to be going over to him this evening after his football match - he signed off apologising for having an opionion & that he'd "pick up some rohypnol so that he'll be ready for whatever time I want to go to bed at tonight".

Thoughts please!!

mazdaminx

I wouldn't be too mad about all those remarks he's making. Quite immature and disrespectful behaviour. He should leave you be on the nights you want your sleep,you said only 3. It's important to keep your hobbies and sense of self. If anything he should be encouraging and supporting you if he really likes you. The comments would annoy me, I'd ask him if he intends to keep them up. Keep up your hobbies. Good luck!

Gongoozler

He sounds quite immature and is going about handling the problem very badly. I don't think you're over reacting but maybe he is. It seems he has a problem with either not seeing you enough or not having his own things to do or possibly that he's insecure.

If you really enjoy the weights, and it'd not becoming obsessive then there's no reason you should give it up. If he has a problem he should learn to speak to you about it with the intention of resolving it rather than making you feel bad.

I'd give him a few days of cooling off and then tell him you two need to talk and sort this out. And then you can decide for yourself what you want to do. He needs to realise that you need your own space and hobbies as well as time for him.

dafunk

This seems like very controlling behaviour to me. Saying "I just want to spend more time with you" is manipulating. Also, getting huffy is essentially the same as a sulk. He's either extremely childish or manipulating, either way he's attempting to guilt you into giving up your hobby. How does he react to you socialising or meeting up with friends without him?

You've only been seeing him for what? Three or four months?

I could be wrong but to me this signals serious red flags.

buswankers

OP here
Thanks for the replies

I agree its extremely childish behaviour, granted he's 3 years my junior, but the guy is nearly 30 years of age so no spring chicken by any means.

Dafunk that's exactly what I've been thinking.....serious red flags. He doesn't get mad or anything when I go out without him but then at the same time he does prefer when it's just the two of us - which I think is grand - to a certain extent. But I find he'll get sly digs in here & there about when I make plans with others saying things like "so that's a whole 2 weekends I wont be seeing you" I really don't know.
I had asked him to come somewhere with me for the night on Saturday & he had said he'd think about it but hadn't confirmed, then in the middle of the argument today he throws in "oh I wont be coming to x with you on Saturday, i'm meeting y". That doesn't bother me in the slightest - I don't mnd if he comes with me or not, but its the fact that he threw it in mid argument today as if he was throwing his toys out of the pram, just another red flag...

I think I need a few days to cool off myself! Thanks again for all who took the time to respond - I appreciate it.

LegacyUser

Why should you change your lifestyle or give up things to suit him? He sounds really immature. If the shoe was on the other foot and you wanted him to give up football training to spend more time with you ...would he do it? You shouldn't be made feel guilty for doing something you enjoy.

Scarinae

FrustratedGirl wrote: »

I'm supposed to be going over to him this evening after his football match

Would he cancel all of his football matches for you? I doubt it, so why should you cancel your weight classes for him?

I'm not saying that you should suggest he cancel his matches by the way... I'm just illustrating that it's ok for him to have plans that you need to work around, but apparently not for you?

LegacyUser

Scarinae wrote: »

Would he cancel all of his football matches for you? I doubt it, so why should you cancel your weight classes for him?

I'm not saying that you should suggest he cancel his matches by the way... I'm just illustrating that it's ok for him to have plans that you need to work around, but apparently not for you?

I was actually thinking of asking him that today at the end of the convo but then thought better of it cos that would only be stooping down to his level & I don't actually want him to give up football. & the match was his whole reason for staying last night which kicked this whole thing off.....& when I said yesterday that i'd happily call over to his tonight he was like ya cool & then this eve it was all "ya sure if ur tired when I text you can decide if your arsed coming over" the sentiment is there but the language is so passive aggressive!

Seriously reconsidering the whole relationship right now!!
Thanks again everyone - you've given me a lot to think about!

mazdaminx

Frustratedgirl wrote: »

I was actually thinking of asking him that today at the end of the convo but then thought better of it cos that would only be stooping down to his level & I don't actually want him to give up football. & the match was his whole reason for staying last night which kicked this whole thing off.....& when I said yesterday that i'd happily call over to his tonight he was like ya cool & then this eve it was all "ya sure if ur tired when I text you can decide if your arsed coming over" the sentiment is there but the language is so passive aggressive!

Seriously reconsidering the whole relationship right now!!
Thanks again everyone - you've given me a lot to think about!

Oh god I don't like the sound of his messages. If you want the relationship to progress you need to talk to him about that. He's sounding needy and insecure, trying to bring you down to his level.

strandroad

He sounds really annoying, more immature than controlling though.

Could it be that he is in the honeymoon phase and his pride is hurt that you won't drop everything to cuddle up with him every night?

LegacyUser

He sounds like a toddler having a tantrum and you say he's nearly 30?

Tell him to deal with it, DO NOT give up doing what you like because he's getting his jocks in a twist. He sounds much younger tbh purely because of his sour me-me-me attitude. Fair play to you doing what you're doing, takes some will power to be getting up at the time 3 hours a week. And there's nothing granny-ish about it, I commend you for keeping fit and looking after yourself.

Honestly OP, he is the one with the problem here and he NEEDS to gtf over it. Pretty sharpish because I would be turned off him with his moaning.

IlmoNT4

Serious red flags...he sounds really insecure. He should be championing you and supporting your interests, not the other way round. Relationship is about give and take and as an adult of nearly 30 he should be able to work something out with you, where you both get what you want without descending into moodiness and remarks.

I'd be rethinking if I wanted to be with someone like this....Your only going out together 4 months, its still really early days, and the whole wanting to spend time with you, all of the time...sounds a bit much and not very healthy.

Dont give up the things you love, he should be supportive of you and all the things that you do, especially if there great things like exercise etc....whats coming next is, dont go out with your friends because I want to spend all our time together....theres no balance there, that would be a deal breaker for me, along with sulking and what appears to be an inability to sit down and express his wants and needs from the relationship without being mean towards you. And then his wants and needs seem kinda smothering...

Buona Fortuna

Great name

I think you're right - I hate the term passive aggressive but this is one of the best examples. I'd imagine he's gone his whole life with that as his "weapon" of choice.

I think you need a serious chat - no phonecalls, no mobiles, Ipads, TV .... I think you need to point out that you are considering the longevity of this relationship.

I think its very important to keep your hobbies. If you give them up and then split up then what? If the relationship goes the distance and you get married, one of you is at home, looking after kids, or heaven forbid unemployed - each of you is a far more interesting, happy, employable person for those hobbies.

I wish you all the very best OP

LegacyUser

mhge wrote: »

He sounds really annoying, more immature than controlling though.

Could it be that he is in the honeymoon phase and his pride is hurt that you won't drop everything to cuddle up with him every night?

I honestly don't know what his problem is. He's well able to argue over email but then in person he just will not engage in discussion at all...I'm pulling my hair out with him. Gonna go over to him this eve & try & have it out....any ideas on how I could tell him tactifully that he's being completely immature about this without getting into an even bigger row?

& if its the case that he wants me to cuddle up to him every night then that's fair enough but he has to let me go to sleep when I want to as well (on the nights that I'm up early the next day)

buswankers

Thanks guys for all your advise. I am going to call over to him this evening & try and have a serious conversation with him about the whole thing & if after that he continues to sulk or continues with the sly comments I cant see the relationship lasting.

Loulou I agree that he should be supportive - especially when its a great thing like exercise - it's so difficult to find things we enjoy in life & exercise is one of the things I really enjoy!

Thanks again all - will come back with an update later

LegacyUser

buswankers wrote: »

Thanks guys for all your advise. I am going to call over to him this evening & try and have a serious conversation with him about the whole thing & if after that he continues to sulk or continues with the sly comments I cant see the relationship lasting.

Loulou I agree that he should be supportive - especially when its a great thing like exercise - it's so difficult to find things we enjoy in life & exercise is one of the things I really enjoy!

Thanks again all - will come back with an update later

Not being prespumptious but if ye are really in the mood for fun on a training night could ye not go up to bed earlier in the evening for a while and still be asleep in plenty of time.

My gf and I are goin out 4 years and I couldnt imagine discouraging her from doing what she loves for any reason other than it being harmful to her. She loves keeping busy and always has projects on the go that we have to work our social life around but its not exactly a hardship. I dont see any reason why your training schedule should be an issue at all to him.

I agree he is being childish and there is probably no hope in hell he would change his training to suit you. Your training is less important because its not football dont you know. Fair play doing all that for the training by the way. Wish I had your motivation.Best of luck with the talk.

Eric Cartman

Could it be an issue of time moreso than the weights , could you go to the gym after work instead ? Or does your schedule make you too busy for that ,

Going to bed at 9 or so (assumption) at night volountarily instead of spending it awake with your OH if it was clear your schedule allowed for you to do the same task at a more normal hour would certainly put an oh out in my book.

Barely There

He sounds like a complete passive-aggressive, childish controling d;ckhead to me, who sulks because you won't change your life to pander to his needs.

I'd find those traits incredible unattractive in a partner.
.

Neyite

Not sure if its actually controlling, but its very manipulative, and I dont like his passive aggressive martyr responses to you. That has no place in an adult relationship, and I'd knock it on the head with him now, otherwise this is how all arguments in your relationship, big and small, will go.

For me, being only four months in, I dont think I'd be emotionally invested enough to make the effort of trying to change how he communicates in a relationship, but if you have strong feelings for him, then only you can decide if he is worth it.

If you do decide to tackle it, maybe treat it like you would a toddler tantrum. Dont give in to it, ignore bad behaviour and clearly outline what behaviour you do expect. I'd reply with a short sharp text along the lines of "you are not a child, so stop acting like one. If you want to discuss this as an adult and resolve this together, I will listen, but not when you are being petulant at not getting your own way. Up to you."

I do weights in the morning and have to get up early for em too OP and I would lose the plot at your bf's behaviour. It's childish tantrum throwing, particularly after you made it clear what the story was and he decided to wheedle his way in anyway with the hope of upsetting your schedule later.

+1 to Neyite's advice there

RandomIrishGuy

To be honest, I was the very same as this with my girlfriend when we first got together. I wanted her all the time, I always got tick if she was out with her friends. I was very controling. But after a few months it just kind of stopped? Maybe it was me being insecure or something. I realisew what I was doing. I was pushing her away. Thats 8 years ago now Give your fella a chance if you like him. he might come good!

limnam

How I usually see this working out.

Side A = keeps busyish schedule

Side B = Complains side A is not making enough time for them.

Side B = Starts to do their own thing.

Side A starts to complain Side B is making enough time for them.

Side A and B spend 7 years glued to each other watching Eastenders and break up.

How about going to the gym early one day and do going in the evening one day which would reduce the amount of nights you can stay together.

or maybe once every two weeks go mad have a jump with him on a gym night and go to bed mad late! like 10pm

MissFlitworth

3 months in and he's speaking to you like that? Childlike bed times & you're a granny? This bit in particular is just unbelieveably petty and childish and a really cringey, sad stab at manipulating you.

And no I'd hate for you to give up something you enjoy for something you obviously dont

You've been very honest & clear with him and he's trying to push you into behaving in a way he would prefer bit by little bit and make it seem like you're some kind of selfish, uncaring bore for not doing what he wants

Lou.m

My thing about relationships is this, if someone has a goal then you approve of their trip to the top of the mountain.

If you have a hobby that is important to your happiness they should understand.

I presume you are the same and support them equally. And I presume you both make time for each other in other ways.

I would also suggest he stop the nasty comments. He does not have to adjust to your lifestyle. Perhaps on the nights that you are doing the lifting thing in the morning he should not come over?? Find a night that equally suits you both.

You should be his biggest cheerleader and he should be the same. How else are you going to be a kickass couple?

limnam

limnam wrote: »

How about going to the gym early one day and do going in the evening one day which would reduce the amount of nights you can stay together.

If she moves to the evening he'll still moan he's not getting the whole evening from her, by the sounds of it. I'm all for reasonable compromise, but not as a result of strops and passive aggressive comments and refusal to even discuss the situation in person.

LegacyUser

Thanks a mill to all who replied, I appreciate it & am happy that I wasnt going completely overboard yesterday.

So to update, called over to his last night & had a serious chat. He said that his problem wasnt really the getting up early 3 mornings a week, it's how I've "timetabled" our time together by asking him if he calls over those evenings where I'm up early the next day to go to bed at the same time as me, my counter argument was that it was his own choice to come over in the first place & he came back with " but i want to spend time with you" bla bla bla. ye get the picture!

Anyway he maintains I let the gym dictate my life & to be fair that is KIND of true in that I try & eat properly during the week so that takes a lot of preparation in the evenings etc - I'd like to change to the evenings but as I can never be guaranteed what time I get out of work the few times I've changed to evening classes I've ended up missing them due to thinkgs happening at work.

Oh & I'm not going to bed at 9pm on the nights that I have to get up at 530, I do my best to be in bed by 1030 but then he starts "messing". Anyway we've come to an agreement that if he really wants to stay over the nights before the gym we'll just go to bed earlier for our together time & he's agreed to not be so childish going forward with the emails & the passive agressive statements & the general huffiness of it all. I think his problem is he just comes across terribly in emails & when he actually had an adult conversation he got his point across a whole lot better than saying "you put the gym first & I'm always no. 2"

Oh I also said that he is kind of smothering me & that we dont have to spend EVERY night together after only 4 months, I'm afraid that that will cause me to get sick of him so to speak (not sure that's the right phrase). He said fine he'll try to pull back a bit, so I guess I'll just have to wait and see how the next few weeks pan out.

However, this whole argument has opened my eyes hugely to how he deals with things so I am going to tread very carefully going forward & the next sign of any further childish behaviour I'll be walking away - I've never been anyone's doormat & I'm not about to start now!

LegacyUser

limnam wrote: »

How I usually see this working out.

Side A = keeps busyish schedule

Side B = Complains side A is not making enough time for them.

Side B = Starts to do their own thing.

Side B already has their own thing - football which they work around

limnam wrote: »

How about going to the gym early one day and do going in the evening one day which would reduce the amount of nights you can stay together.

or maybe once every two weeks go mad have a jump with him on a gym night and go to bed mad late! like 10pm

If the BF had approached the issue like an adult I would encourage the OP to come to an arrangement that works for both of them but given how young the relationship is and how the BF has dealt with addressing it I'd be following Neyite's advice

Frustratedgirl

Frustratedgirl wrote: »

Anyway he maintains I let the gym dictate my life & to be fair that is KIND of true in that I try & eat properly during the week so that takes a lot of preparation in the evenings etc -

Being healthy and prepared to make that happen for a good and healthy life is not "your hobby is dictating your life" and I'd be quite wary of giving ground on that one.

Anyway glad to see you talked about it and hopefully it all goes well from now on.

LegacyUser

bluewolf wrote: »

Being healthy and prepared to make that happen for a good and healthy life is not "your hobby is dictating your life" and I'd be quite wary of giving ground on that one.

Anyway glad to see you talked about it and hopefully it all goes well from now on.

I completely agree & I'm not going to either - if he wants to spend time with me that badly he can sit in my kitchen& watch me while I prepare the food!!!

Hopefully it goes well too - but if not I wont hesitate on knocking it on the head as my health is far too important to me to give up for anyone!

Thanks again to everyone for taking the time to reply - I appreciate it

Tigger99

I'm glad you spoke to him OP. The comment he made about rohypnol is quite alarming I have to say. Surprised no one else picked up on it.