Bad Parents or Am I being a bitch?

LegacyUser

I don't know where to start really. I have a lot of issue when it comes to my parents.
I had a pretty bad childhood. I moved out as soon as I could. The thing is my parents are completely different now that I'm an adult. Calmer and just different. They are grandparents now and different with the grandkids. I even have a child of my own but I don't feel comfortable leaving him with them because of my childhood.
Should I just let my childhood go and get over it?

Growing up my parents had really bad tempers. Especially my mother. She was also verbally abusive as well as physically. My mother called me 'fat' 'useless' and 'so like her father' whom she hated. He was bad man. I've got punched, slapped and dragged out of bed my my feet. and slapped and hit until my mother was dragged off me by my older brother. The reason was because I was 'giggling' or reading a book under the covers and my older sisters banged down to tell my parents as we shared a room. I was about 8 years old and probably was a complete brat as a child. I don't deny that. My dad, dragged me out of my bed and really hurt me for the same reason. He used to smack the back of my legs with a sweeping brush, This stuff happened regularly.
My mother grabbed me by my hair out of temper when i was cheeky. My dad threw a knife at me for answering back and got above my eye. Cups plate etc were thrown at me,

When I was a teenager it was not so bad but still there. My mother dragged me into her room because i gave her cheek in front of my friends and but her first up to my nose and kept it there and it really hurt.

Now I'm married with my own child. They are all peaches and cream and want to be in my childs life and are so nice etc. I just feels so much bitterness and hate.
I used to plan running away as a kid and teenager. Cry myself to sleep and self harm. They have never said sorry or even would mention it.

They also neglected us kids, regards food and clothes and generally stuff. Growing up but we were poor. My dad claimed the dole and I'm also bitter that he never worked. ugh. Am I being a bitch? I just feel so over protective with my child and just can't trust them

Maybe I am over reacting?

Neyite

I dont think you are being a bitch. Parents differ on discipline, but I personally could never let my child be minded by someone who thought it was acceptable to raise a hand to a child. And absolutely never ever if they used weapons to beat. That is child abuse. What happened to you was child abuse dressed up as discipline. And it was wrong.

Have you thought about counselling for what you went through in your childhood? It may help you clarify your feelings and help you to process it.

Flippyfloppy

I'm in a very similar situation, and I don't think you're wrong , one bit. YOU and only you (and your husband) are your child's protectors. You choose who you let into their lives, they don't know what's normal or not yet so youre there to veto people for them. All you have is your own experience. You could never fully trust your parents with your child, or worse still fall into a false sense of security with them.

When minding your child becomes normalised to them they'd revert to the same short circuited form of discipline or a variation of it that they used with you.

LegacyUser

Ye know, I used to hate my mother.

She was always so negative towards us kids, never showed any support etc....

She didn't know how at the time. She was looking after us all, and coping.

Roll on 30 years and she's a changed person. She's so relaxed and fun to be around. She's letting me stay in the house while I'm in between jobs.

I never had a knife thrown at me but we got the spoon and shouted at lots. She wasn't equipped to deal with us mentally when she and we were younger - I think she went through a depressive episode.

My mother is great with the grandchildren and she has mellowed so much in her later years.

If it was abuse then I'd feel the same as you. I wouldn't describe my upbringing as abuse.

I'd agree with the counselling idea to help

mylefttesticle

No Fcuk them I wouldn't let them mind a dog never mind a child, hate those parents who instead of sitting down and apologising and discussing upbringings choose to act like it never happened as it never changes anything and it continues to mess with their childrens life because they are too far gone to admit what they did was abuse and neglect.

I think you should probably speak to someone about what happened to you as a child as it still seems to be a big issue for you (rightfully so).

Just because they created you does not give them rights over you till the end of time.

Merkin

There's discipline of different degrees and then there is abuse. What you suffered was abuse, both through systematic violence and also the deprivation and neglect through lack of food etc. I personally wouldn't let them have anything more than a very perfunctory relationship with them and most assuredly wouldn't let them look after or have anything to do with my child on a one-to-one basis. They saw savage behaviour of that type as normal so it's not like they've suddenly become wonderful people. I also think you should seek counselling to help you work through the abuse you suffered. You're absolutely right to do everything in your power to protect your little one.

diveout

If you don't trust them then practise supervised visits. Unless you think they will assault or malign you also. Then you don't have much choice.

LegacyUser

My sisters talk about it sometimes but we never mention it to the parents.
Although my sisters let my parents mind their children. I see my family every couple of months. I live about an hour away but If I see them regularly I just suffer from panic attacks.

I'm quite a nervy person and I think it's because of my upbringing. I really don't want to be one of those people that blame everything on their childhood though.

I won't leave my child with them because I'm determined that my child is secure and confident and is never exposed to that behaviour.

Everyone of my sisters and brother have problems with panic or other issues. My mother has said on several occasion. 'What have I done wrong, you all have problems'

My dad hit my brother on the head with a shovel out of temper and he still has a scar. It makes me so sad when I look at it.

There was an incident where I was hit on the head with a shovel, it was the back of my head and it was bleeding. My dad claimed it bumped into me because I was running in and out of the room but after what happened my brother I just don't know.

As regards to food, we were poor growing up, so I don't know if it was all their fault. When I was a teenager and came home from school we never had food at home for lunch. When I was a kid, my parents never did a packed lunch, most days my dad would stop at the shop on the way to school and get us a pack of biscuits to bring in to school for lunch. I used to swap biscuits for other stuff off classmates, like apples or a sandwich.

I probably should talk to someone, I just feel like a moan and extreme guilt.

deisemum

I think it's rare for an abusive parent let alone both abusive parents to change for the better.

They may behave in a nicer way while you or your husband are present and they don't have responsibility for your child but there's no way I'd leave a child alone with either of them as I wouldn't like to take the risk that they'd revert to form the moment the child misbehaved in any way as that's all they know.

diveout

parentissues wrote: »

My sisters talk about it sometimes but we never mention it to the parents.
Although my sisters let my parents mind their children. I see my family every couple of months. I live about an hour away but If I see them regularly I just suffer from panic attacks.

I'm quite a nervy person and I think it's because of my upbringing. I really don't want to be one of those people that blame everything on their childhood though.

I won't leave my child with them because I'm determined that my child is secure and confident and is never exposed to that behaviour.

Everyone of my sisters and brother have problems with panic or other issues. My mother has said on several occasion. 'What have I done wrong, you all have problems'

My dad hit my brother on the head with a shovel out of temper and he still has a scar. It makes me so sad when I look at it.

There was an incident where I was hit on the head with a shovel, it was the back of my head and it was bleeding. My dad claimed it bumped into me because I was running in and out of the room but after what happened my brother I just don't know.

As regards to food, we were poor growing up, so I don't know if it was all their fault. When I was a teenager and came home from school we never had food at home for lunch. When I was a kid, my parents never did a packed lunch, most days my dad would stop at the shop on the way to school and get us a pack of biscuits to bring in to school for lunch. I used to swap biscuits for other stuff off classmates, like apples or a sandwich.

I probably should talk to someone, I just feel like a moan and extreme guilt.

I get what you are saying, I have a parent whom I can't be around because panic attacks are triggered, actually a trauma freeze response is triggered. Yeah I dunno.

Don't do anything until you feel entirely comfortable. So for now I would say no.

But for your own sanity stop raking over the past and tickling old wounds.

marizpan

diveout wrote: »

But for your own sanity stop raking over the past and tickling old wounds.

I disagree.

You need to face your childhood through therapy etc. the worst thing to do is bottle it up and try to forget it. You can only do that once you deal with it and grieve your lost childhood and explore how that has affected you as an adult.

It is common for abusive parents to then be nice grandparents. They are trying to show that they where good parents and you by default will assume that you where a difficult child and deserved the abuse.
If they give you panic attacks, it would be worthwhile to see if a break from them would be helpful for you.

tenifan

My dad was awful growing up with, and my mam covered for him at our expense. He was a control freak and a bully.

My siblings have kids now and I don't like my dad's behaviour around them. Yes, he's more calm in general, because he doesn't have to be a father any more. He tries to spoil them by giving them junkfood and acting hyperactive (really, like a clown.. he's in his element), and trying to be the favourite relative or something.

After an hour, he'll disappear into his living room (not the family room, no one else can stand to use that room). He'll get annoyed at the kids for their insolence, or for disrespecting him (like telling him to "go away"), or making noise, or breaking stuff. He doesn't know how to cope. He hasn't changed, he can act nice for a few hours but a leopard doesn't change his spots.

Cleite

God I wish I could give you a hug :-) You deserve hugs and cuddles and the unconditional love that your parents should have showered upon you when you were a child. You were NOT a 'complete brat' as a child - you were a child!!!! And no, you are not 'one of those people who goes through life blaming their parents'. You suffered a traumatic childhood and are simply suffering the ongoing effects of that. If at this point in your life, you haven't managed to 'put it behind you' it's very simply because you don't know how. Your parents did not teach you the skills necessary to cope with the stresses of life, much less the skills necessary to get over years of sustained abuse during the very period when your personality was being formed. They didn't teach you any of that because, sadly, they never learnt themselves either. Most probably because they also suffered abusive childhoods, and so on and so on going back generations. That doesn't excuse their actions. They should have done better. Maybe it wasn't really something they understood at that time. At least, that's what I try to tell myself about the abuse I suffered as a child :-( But here's the good news - the cycle has stopped. YOU have stopped it. By the very fact that you're going through this heartbreaking, exhausting process of questioning your past, you're already on the path out of the quagmire. Your child will thank you for it one day. Personally, after 3 suicide attempts starting at 15, 2 months in a psychiatric ward and years if antidepressants in my twenties, workaholism and a failed marriage in my thirties, I am finally, now in my forties, getting help. It took me that long to recognize that whether it was their 'fault' or not, my parents ACTIONS left me profoundly damaged. Why did I get help? Because, to my shame, I found myself screaming abuse at my toddler and baby and resorting to slaps as a method of control. SLAPS!!! On a 1 year old baby. Christ. I HATE myself for it. But I'm getting help and thank God I'm getting better. As for my family, I broke all contact with them over a year ago. I miss having a family - not a day goes by that I don't think of them, but I need them out of my life for good. They are a totally negative influence on my life and my kids will NOT be dragged into that pit.

Please do go for counseling - preferably a qualified psychologist or psychotherapist - it will help you to reach peace.

Humria

parentissues wrote: »

I don't know where to start really. I have a lot of issue when it comes to my parents.
I had a pretty bad childhood. I moved out as soon as I could. The thing is my parents are completely different now that I'm an adult. Calmer and just different. They are grandparents now and different with the grandkids. I even have a child of my own but I don't feel comfortable leaving him with them because of my childhood.
Should I just let my childhood go and get over it?

Growing up my parents had really bad tempers. Especially my mother. She was also verbally abusive as well as physically. My mother called me 'fat' 'useless' and 'so like her father' whom she hated. He was bad man. I've got punched, slapped and dragged out of bed my my feet. and slapped and hit until my mother was dragged off me by my older brother. The reason was because I was 'giggling' or reading a book under the covers and my older sisters banged down to tell my parents as we shared a room. I was about 8 years old and probably was a complete brat as a child. I don't deny that. My dad, dragged me out of my bed and really hurt me for the same reason. He used to smack the back of my legs with a sweeping brush, This stuff happened regularly.
My mother grabbed me by my hair out of temper when i was cheeky. My dad threw a knife at me for answering back and got above my eye. Cups plate etc were thrown at me,

When I was a teenager it was not so bad but still there. My mother dragged me into her room because i gave her cheek in front of my friends and but her first up to my nose and kept it there and it really hurt.

Now I'm married with my own child. They are all peaches and cream and want to be in my childs life and are so nice etc. I just feels so much bitterness and hate.
I used to plan running away as a kid and teenager. Cry myself to sleep and self harm. They have never said sorry or even would mention it.

They also neglected us kids, regards food and clothes and generally stuff. Growing up but we were poor. My dad claimed the dole and I'm also bitter that he never worked. ugh. Am I being a bitch? I just feel so over protective with my child and just can't trust them

Maybe I am over reacting?

Put simply, it's not worth the risk of letting parents take care of your child. If it was me, I would not trust them. There is no evidence that the change in their attitude is permanent. The only thing you know is that they are treating you differently as an adult.

You are not a bitch.

As other posters mentioned, I would suggest talking to a professional, for your own sake and for your child's sake because it's very difficult for our own upbringing not to affect our style of parenting. I'm not suggesting that you would be abusive towards, or neglectful of, your child but trauma (and that's what I'd classify your experience as) does affect our relationships. You mentioned that you have panic attacks and CBT has been shown to help with that.

You don't have to forgive your parents but I'd suggest that you do take some time to take care of yourself.

Best of luck.

vetinari

I had a bit of a rough upbringing as well (thankfully nothing at that level)

Things are better now with my father but there's still a bit of a void.
I've never talked to him directly about it.
In hindsight I think it's something that really would have helped the situation.
Your parents really need to sit down with you and apologize for their behavior.
The types of incidents you described deserve recognition and an apology.

My own circumstances were purely verbal abuse but I still feel that way and still have a level of resentment towards my father.
I honestly can't imagine what you must feel towards your parents.
The acting all nice bit around the grandkids must drive you nuts!

nc19

If you want a relationship for you or your kids with your parents then I think you need to tell them how you feel and discuss your past with them and if needs be with a family mediator.


my parents were fairly similar with us when we were kids but I can honestly say we brought it on ourseleves.

my wifes parents were similar with her but it was her mothers own issues which were the cause for the most part there.


my point is that most people I know of my generation (80s child) were on the receiving end of their parents frustration but acknowledge for the most part it was their own behaviour that brought on the abuse rightly or wrongly. I only have one child myself and find myself losing my patience (not hitting) so I cant imagine having 2 or 3 or 4+ kids on a daily basis.

Cleite

nc19 wrote: »

my parents were fairly similar with us when we were kids but I can honestly say we brought it on ourselves.

for the most part it was their own behaviour that brought on the abuse rightly or wrongly.

I have to disagree - NO child deserves to be subjected to abuse. A child is a child and raising them tests the very outer limits of your patience - but it's a parents job to come up with solutions without resorting to abuse.

nc19

Cleite wrote: »

I have to disagree - NO child deserves to be subjected to abuse. A child is a child and raising them tests the very outer limits of your patience - but it's a parents job to come up with solutions without resorting to abuse.

Thats all well and good in todays airy fairy american influenced society but the refusal by parents over the last 10-15 yrs to adequately discipline and as a resutl deter their child from doing wrong is the reason we have little shíts running around doing what they like cos they know when they get caught all that will happen will be a talking to by the parent...ffs.


Going off topic.......

Neyite

nc19 wrote: »

Thats all well and good in todays airy fairy american influenced society but the refusal by parents over the last 10-15 yrs to adequately discipline and as a resutl deter their child from doing wrong is the reason we have little shíts running around doing what they like cos they know when they get caught all that will happen will be a talking to by the parent...ffs.


Going off topic.......

Yes. Yes it is off topic. And quite frankly nothing to do with the OP's issue. Unless you have constructive advice to offer the OP then dont post.

Cleite

nc19 wrote: »

Thats all well and good in todays airy fairy american influenced society but the refusal by parents over the last 10-15 yrs to adequately discipline and as a resutl deter their child from doing wrong is the reason we have little shíts running around doing what they like cos they know when they get caught all that will happen will be a talking to by the parent...ffs.


Going off topic.......

Abuse and discipline are not the same thing. BIG difference.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your replies.

When I was pregnant I did get CBT therapy for a couple of months because wanted to be the best possible mother that I could be. I also wanted to break an patterns that may have developed. I want so much for my own child. I want him to be confident and be able to express himself and not be scared of me.

I would never hit my child or even raise my voice to him. I reason with him when he is naughty and it does work. Most of the time he is just frustrated about something and is easy to calm down.

I would love to discuss it with my parents but honestly I'm afraid too. My mother lost her temper with me when I was just two weeks after a baby. I just can't face it.

I should talk to a counselor about my childhood more in dept I guess.
I'm quite a jumpy and nervy person and maybe that's got to do with always being on edge. I had to lock my door when I was a teenager because of my mothers temper.

I just am lacking the love that I should have for them and could easily not seem them ever again except for the guilt that I feel. My mother rings me a lot and textes but my dad has never bother call me in years! I only see him if I drive down to were him and my mam live.

Paddy Cow

nc19 wrote: »

my point is that most people I know of my generation (80s child) were on the receiving end of their parents frustration but acknowledge for the most part it was their own behaviour that brought on the abuse rightly or wrongly. I only have one child myself and find myself losing my patience (not hitting) so I cant imagine having 2 or 3 or 4+ kids on a daily basis.

No child brings abuse upon themselves. Discipline is acceptable, abuse never is.

Op I would echo what others had said. Counselling will help you work through these issues. Even if your parents have mellowed, it sounds like they will never acknowledge their bad parenting. They might make better grandparents than parents but they can never make up for what they put you through. You most definitely are not a b!tch and you have the self awareness not to be like them. You will give your child the childhood that you should have had.

MelanieD

parentissues wrote: »

I would love to discuss it with my parents but honestly I'm afraid too. My mother lost her temper with me when I was just two weeks after a baby. I just can't face it.

I should talk to a counselor about my childhood more in dept I guess.
I'm quite a jumpy and nervy person and maybe that's got to do with always being on edge. I had to lock my door when I was a teenager because of my mothers temper.

I just am lacking the love that I should have for them and could easily not seem them ever again except for the guilt that I feel. My mother rings me a lot and textes but my dad has never bother call me in years! I only see him if I drive down to were him and my mam live.

Let go of the guilt. You owe your abusive parents nothing. Zilch. You're afraid of them because deep down you know your parents haven't really changed and it's unlikely they will. Take a step back, re-evaluate the relationship you want with them and the relationship you want your child to have with them.