an excerpt from the first chapter of my novel

WomanSkirtFan8

Here is an excerpt from the first chapter of my novel:

Chapter 1

Lisa arrived home from school one Friday afternoon. After getting off the school bus, she began walking back towards her house. Turning the corner just down from the bus stop, she walked onwards. As she approached the house, she noticed a car parked on the opposite side of the road with the bonnet up. It appeared to be broken down. Lisa couldn't see anyone nearby so she immediately assumed that the owner must have gone for help. She eventually reached the front gate and then made her way into the driveway.
The house itself was a fairly standard two-storey semi-detached council house. It had three bedrooms upstairs and a kitchen, bathroom and living room downstairs. There was also a smaller shower upstairs as well. At the back there was a medium-sized garden. After getting inside, Lisa made her way upstairs to her bedroom.
Once she'd changed clothes, Lisa folded her school uniform up very neatly and then placed it in her wardrobe to the left of the door. She then sat back down on her bed,with her mobile phone and iPod charging in the electrical socket just under the drawer. Taking her diary and pen off the drawer, she then began making an entry:
"Dear diary.
Had a fairly ordinary day at school today, apart from that fight in the school canteen at the 11am break! Goodness me! What a mess was left afterwards!I can't say for certain, but I strongly suspected that maybe Sharon and her gang were the ones behind it."
Lisa stopped writing. She got up from her bed and stretched herself. As she did so, she felt a sudden, sharp cold tingle in the back of her neck. She walked over to the window and looked down into the driveway. Down below, standing just outside the main gate was a rather tallish-looking woman. She appeared to be very professionally dressed in a suit.She had been standing beside the broken-down car talking on her phone. Lisa guessed that she had been talking to a local mechanic. This unknown woman had stopped talking on her phone and was now looking directly up at Lisa.
Lisa then watched as this unknown woman walked into the driveway and up to the front door. A few moments later, Lisa heard the doorbell ring. She immediately left her diary and pen on her bed and went downstairs and opened the door.
"Hello, young lady." said the woman with a smile. "My name is Maeve and my car appears to have broken down. I was trying to ring the local garage but my battery has gone dead. Could I come in and use your phone?"
"Yes of course. "replied Lisa. "Come in. I'm Lisa by the way."
"Thank you Lisa. I'm so sorry for being such an awful pain like this." replied Maeve as she followed Lisa into the hallway.
"Oh not at all. We sometimes get this kind of thing here. You're not the first, Maeve." answered Lisa as she led Maeve into the kitchen.
Lisa showed Maeve where the phone was and she then let Maeve get on with making her phone call.

Meanwhile Andrea and Katherine were at the local supermarket to do their weekly shopping. They had just parked in the car park on the right hand side of the building. While Andrea went over and paid for the parking ticket, Katherine jumped out and bounded almost effortlessly across the car park towards the line of shopping trolleys.
Andrea walked much more slowly, stopping a few times to say hello to a few people she knew. As she made her way towards the entrance, she noticed a group of young teenagers having around outside. They appeared to be quite a boisterous bunch. It then very quickly became apparent as to why.
"Excuse me!" she said to a staff member as he pushed another unused trolley back into the line.
"Yes madam. How can I help you?" he asked rather politely.
"Could you tell me where those young people got that alcohol from?" she asked.
"Probably from the local off-licence down the street." he replied slightly out of breath.
Andrea nodded rather solemnly.
("I'll have to have a word with those people at some stage!")
Meanwhile, Katherine was busy bouncing around from shelf to shelf putting, throwing almost everything she could see into the trolley, which was just over half-full.
When Andrea eventually found Katherine she moaned,
"Oh no Kathy! Not again!"
"Why?! What's wrong with it?" exclaimed Katherine rather innocently.
"We don't need all of that stuff! It's just too much!"
"Yes well. Each to their own." replied Katherine somewhat casually.
Andrea was not about to have an arguement with Katherine. It had been an extremely long day's teaching and she was feeling pretty tired.
"Alright Kathy," she sighed. "But we WILL need to at least some of that stuff out. We just can't afford all of it."
Katherine let out a rather unhappy moan.
"Come on!" Andrea said trying to sound as soothing as she could taking the handle of the trolley.
Even though she wasn't too happy about it, Katherine took a number of items out.
"What else do we need?" she asked after a moment's thought.
"Eh? Milk. We're going to need more milk." replied Andrea.
"I'll get that. Be back in a moment." Katherine said making her way towards the far end of the supermarket.
As Katherine headed off, Andrea grimaced slightly.
("Lisa?!...What on earth?!....No!")
Katherine had reached the dairy section. She had just picked up a large milk carton and was about to head back, when she suddenly started experiencing an extremely serious and painful migrane.
She just about managed to put the carton back on the shelf before she dropped it. She then held on to the shelf's edge, she began breathing in and out extremely deeply.
A member of staff saw this and came up to see if she could help.
"Are you okay, miss?" she asked.
Katherine eventually managed to recover.
She stood upright.
"Yes thank you. I'm fine. Just got a little bit of a headache." she replied.
Katherine managed to pick up the carton of milk and then made her way back to join Andrea, who had finished the shopping and was now making her way back towards the checkouts.
When Katherine eventually rejoined Andrea, she had already paid for the shopping and was now making her way towards the exit.
The group of young people were still hanging around outside.
As Andrea walked past them pushing the shopping trolley, three of the young men whistled at her but she just slowly shook her head. She continued walking until she reached her car. Once there, she opened the boot and began loading the shopping into it.
Katherine, on the other hand, had already seen the unwanted attention that Andrea had just received.
She felt a little bit jealous at his.
"Well then!," she exclaimed rather bitterly. "I can see that you're getting all the attention again....as usual!" as she got into the passenger seat and closed the door. with a slight bang.
"I can't help that!" replied Andrea rather innocently as she got in, having already put the shopping trolley back with the other ones.
"Of course you can't!" snapped Katherine somewhat bitterly. "You're the only who ALWAYS gets the most attention!"
Andrea closed the door and put her seatbelt on. She then turned to Katherine.
"We're not going to have this conversation yet again, are we Kathy?"
Katherine just remained quiet, even though secretly she was privately absolutely seething underneath.
"In that case then, let's go home." Andrea said starting the engine.
Katherine also did likewise, though she never took her eyes off her slightly-elder sister.
Andrea put the car into gear, released the handbrake and they drove out of the car park, turned right and then continued on their journey towards home; ironically passing right by Maeve's occult shop in the process, although neither of them at the time had any idea of just how significant a role this shop would later on play in their lives.:cool:

Deranged96

I enjoyed it
well, most of it.....
That first paragraph kill it. kill it now. Lisa did this, then she did this and then she did that. Boring. Didn't do it justice.
Also introduce Kathy and Andrea as sisters from the get go, with the dynamics between them I assumed they were mother and daughter.

I did't get this line: ("Lisa?!...What on earth?!....No!")

They were couple of typos in there, nothing serious.

Do not begin a paragraph with meanwhile, so not classy. Just do the ***** thing between the two paragraphs and drop that word

I liked it

WomanSkirtFan8

Deranged96 wrote: »

I enjoyed it
well, most of it.....
That first paragraph kill it. kill it now. Lisa did this, then she did this and then she did that. Boring. Didn't do it justice.
Also introduce Kathy and Andrea as sisters from the get go, with the dynamics between them I assumed they were mother and daughter.

I did't get this line: ("Lisa?!...What on earth?!....No!")

They were couple of typos in there, nothing serious.

Do not begin a paragraph with meanwhile, so not classy. Just do the ***** thing between the two paragraphs and drop that word

I liked it

thank you for the reply. there is actually a lot more of this already written but it is extremely long but just try and bear in mind that this is only the first draft of the novel but nonetheless i will certainly make a note of those suggestions for later on.

Thanks again for the reply and suggestions.

WomanSkirtFan8

Deranged96 wrote: »

I enjoyed it
well, most of it.....
That first paragraph kill it. kill it now. Lisa did this, then she did this and then she did that. Boring. Didn't do it justice.
Also introduce Kathy and Andrea as sisters from the get go, with the dynamics between them I assumed they were mother and daughter.

I did't get this line: ("Lisa?!...What on earth?!....No!")

Okay well. That's easily explained. Andrea, Katherine and Lisa are all witches. Andrea is Lisa's mother and Katherine is Lisa's aunt. They're basically trying to train Lisa in the magical arts so that she can then become experienced enough to fuffil her destiny as the first of the next generation of witches.

So, that's the story there. At that point Andrea and Katherine are as you can see there, doing their weekly shopping when they both begin sensing that Lisa might be in possible danger. That's the whole idea there.

Deranged96

WomanSkirtFan8 wrote: »

Okay well. That's easily explained. Andrea, Katherine and Lisa are all witches. Andrea is Lisa's mother and Katherine is Lisa's aunt. They're basically trying to train Lisa in the magical arts so that she can then become experienced enough to fuffil her destiny as the first of the next generation of witches.

So, that's the story there. At that point Andrea and Katherine are as you can see there, doing their weekly shopping when they both begin sensing that Lisa might be in possible danger. That's the whole idea there.

Ah right, I got the impression there was telekinetic stuff going on aright
And Maeve then of course is the bady.

Cool I like that

What demographic are you aiming for? Young Adult or Adult?

NotDiarmuid

It's definitely promising but I can see some room for improvement!

Firstly, I see a lot of unnecessary description. Try not to describe the house as if you were selling it to the reader. For example: "It had three bedrooms upstairs and a kitchen, bathroom and living room downstairs. There was also a smaller shower upstairs as well. At the back there was a medium-sized garden." This description is forced and irrelevant to the story. You could probably just keep it at "two-storey semi-detached council house" with maybe an extra line or two visually describing the house and its surroundings.

I noticed you use words like 'fairly', 'somewhat' 'rather' quite a lot. For example phrases like "somewhat casually" could be changed to 'nonchalantly' or "rather innocently" to 'sweetly'. While you're writing try and keep a thesaurus handy, your writing will definitely improve!

Also there is no need to describe everything in absolutely chronological order. The whole opening with Lisa getting off the bus, walking down the street etc is unnecessary. There is a quote used by film makers 'get in late, get out early'. Just remove all the superfluous sentences and descriptions and your story should come together better.

I am no expert, but I hope this was of some help! The idea is promising and I really look forward to seeing where you go with the story

WomanSkirtFan8

Deranged96 wrote: »

Ah right, I got the impression there was telekinetic stuff going on aright
And Maeve then of course is the bady.

Cool I like that

What demographic are you aiming for? Young Adult or Adult?

Originally I was thinking the 16 to 19 year old age group. It's definitely not going to be a children 's story. There are themes of mild mind manipulation and mild torture along the way.

There is also going to be a mass transformation scene along the way too but I will tell more about that at another time.

WomanSkirtFan8

NotDiarmuid wrote: »

It's definitely promising but I can see some room for improvement!

Firstly, I see a lot of unnecessary description. Try not to describe the house as if you were selling it to the reader. For example: "It had three bedrooms upstairs and a kitchen, bathroom and living room downstairs. There was also a smaller shower upstairs as well. At the back there was a medium-sized garden." This description is forced and irrelevant to the story. You could probably just keep it at "two-storey semi-detached council house" with maybe an extra line or two visually describing the house and its surroundings.

I noticed you use words like 'fairly', 'somewhat' 'rather' quite a lot. For example phrases like "somewhat casually" could be changed to 'nonchalantly' or "rather innocently" to 'sweetly'. While you're writing try and keep a thesaurus handy, your writing will definitely improve!

Also there is no need to describe everything in absolutely chronological order. The whole opening with Lisa getting off the bus, walking down the street etc is unnecessary. There is a quote used by film makers 'get in late, get out early'. Just remove all the superfluous sentences and descriptions and your story should come together better.

I am no expert, but I hope this was of some help! The idea is promising and I really look forward to seeing where you go with the story

Hi there. Yes it has indeed. Thanks. I'm no expert either I should point out. This is the first time I've ever attempted anything like this so, It's a real learning curve for me.

WomanSkirtFan8

Here's another little bit of Chapter 1:

Back at the house, Maeve finished her phone call and had just left.
("So that's Lisa! I can't wait to meet her mother!')
Maeve went back over to her own car. She rather casually put down the bonnet, got into the driver's seat, closed the door and then miraculously started the engine without any great degree of difficulty and then drove off.
By now, Lisa was in the living room watching some afternoon television when Andrea and Katherine arrived back home.
As they drove into the driveway, Andrea couldn't see any sign of danger. Pulling up and stopping just outside the front door, both women could see that the house appeared to be exactly the same as when they had left it. Everything appeared to be okay.
"Looks like you were imaging things again Kathy!." remarked Andrea as she stopped the car.
"I don't accept that!" snapped Katherine as she got out and headed straight for the front door.. "I'm telling you I know what I saw!"
"Well there's nobody here now!"
Lisa opened the door. The next thing she knew Katherine had swept her up in her arms.
"Lisa! Are you okay?!" asked Katherine as she held her rather tightly.
"I'm fine thanks Aunty Kathy!" exclaimed Lisa. "Ow! You're squashing me!"
"Let her go Kathy!" Andrea said rather sternly.
Katherine let Lisa go. Lisa gasped for a few moments but eventually maanged to regain her breath.
"Is everything okay Lisa?" Andrea asked as she opened the car boot.
"Apart from Aunty Kathy trying to kill me?! Yes mum. Everything's okay!" replied Lisa.
"Good. You can help me bring in all this shopping then so." Andrea replied.
"Why don't we just use our, you know, "gift"?" Lisa asked.
"No!" Andrea replied rather firmly. "We can NEVER use our "gift" in public! Too dangerous!"
"Okay then." Lisa replied taking two of the shopping bags out and carried them back into the house.
"Oh my!" she remarked. "That's an awful lot of shopping for three people!"
"Well it should be." replied Andrea. "It cost enough."
As Andrea carried the extremely heavy bag into the hallway, she winced suddenly.
"Ow!" she exclaimed, arching her back slightly in pain.
"What's wrong mum?" Lisa asked as she placed the last two bags just inside the door.
"I seem to have done myself an injury!" Andrea exclaimed.
"Well then. Why don't you go into the living room and rest for a bit. I'll get Aunty Kathy to help me with this shopping."
"Good idea!" Andrea said as she gave Lisa an affectionate kiss on her head. She then headed for the living room while Lisa and Katherine then took the rest of the shopping into the kitchen.

Meanwhile, Maeve had driven into the centre of Craughhill town. She parked her car beside an old butcher's shop, got out and then made her way up the street towards where the local post office was. She eventually came to a rather slightly ancient-looking, single-level shop next to the local pub. From the outside it looked like any other traditional Irish shop. it had a slightly lower than usual roof and was painted in a pale navy-blue colour. The sign just above the door was carved in an ancient-looking Celtic cross with what looked like a magical pentagram in the centre. The sign itself read the following: "Dark Magic Occult Supplies Lid." This was Maeve's shop.

Besides being a part-time substitute teacher at the Loreto Convent, the local secondary school, Maeve also had a lot of love of the occult. She was very into reading all about history with modern Irish history from the around the 1800's to the present day of especially particularly interest. From reading various books on the subject, she had great admiration for all of the great men and women involved and also, of the courage the face of great adversity. She had also absolutely cried her heart out when she had read about the Great Famine and the enormous human coast of it all.

As she kept reading these accounts, Maeve couldn't help but think
("Oh my! Where on earth was I when all of this was going on?!")
The real truth of this was that Maeve knew exactly where she'd been all that time. She had never told anyone about it as it was her own secret. And anyway, nobody would have believed her if she had told them, which was absolute fine with her. Maeve took a set of keys out of her jacket pocket, opened the door and went inside.

Àndrea and Katherine had now had their dinner and were in the process of cleaning up the dinner table.
"That was a good meal wasn't it?" Katherine casually remarked.
"Yes it was." replied Andrea as she wiped her mouth with a napkin.
"How were things in the school today?" Katherine asked. "I heard there was a bit of trouble in the school canteen."
Andrea nodded.
"Yes there was. I didn't see what actually happened as I wasn't there but from what I heard, some of the junior girls apparently decided to have a food fight and the whole thing just simply got way out of hand." Andrea told her.
"Was there much damage done?"
"Well it took quite some time to clean up the school canteen but it was eventually sorted."
"I see. Where's Lisa?"
"She's upstairs having a shower. She and Sean have a date tonight." replied Andrea as she washed her cup and then placed it on the draining board.
"I don't like that guy Sean!" Katherine remarked rather bitterly. "He's getting too close to Lisa for my liking!"
"Now, now Kathy! You must allow Lisa to have some amount of freedom."
"I'm only doing what mum told us to do!" complained Katherine. "We're supposed to be looking after her and teaching her the ways of magic!"
"Looking after and teaching her, yes! Not smothering her!" exclaimed Andrea.
"I know that Andrea!" replied Katherine. "Don't forget, she IS the future of our family line. I just want to try and make sure that's ready for all that awaits her!"
"Don;t worry Kathy. She WILL be!" replied Andrea as she sat down at the table next to her sister.
There was a long pause. Then the doorbell rang.
"That'll be Sean." Andrea said. "I'll go and tell Lisa. You go and let him in. And Kathy, go easy on him, will you?!"
"Of coure I will....I DON'T think!" Katherine muttered under her breath.
("Okay then Sean! Let's have a look at you, you little git!")
Katherine marched very purposefully out of the kitchen and into the hallway. Some of the crockery rattled and shock slightly as she walked past.them.
"Hey! Go easy down there, will you?!" came Lisa's voice from upstairs.
When Katherine got to the hall door, she paused and composed herself slightly and then very slowly and cautiously opened the door.
An extremely smart and well-dressed young man stood there. He nodded rather politely on seeing Katherine.
"Hello Kathy. Is that lovely neice of yours at home?" he asked.
"My name is Katherine, young man!" Katherine replied rather sternly as she stood in front of him, completely blocking his way. She had both arms folded and an extremely stern expression on her face. "
"Oh come on!" Sean exclaimed as he kept trying to force his way past her.

The next moment the door had slamemd shut in his face sending him flying through the air. He eventually landed with a hard thump on his backside about ten feet away.
("Ohh! So THAT's how it's going to be, is it?!")
He managed to pick himself up and, somewhat slightly dazed amd confused, made the extremely brave decision to try again.
And once again, the door was slammed shut in his face and he was again, sent flying through the air, only this time he landed, head first, in a rather large hedge.
("This is absolutely bloody ridiculous!")
Lisa, meanwhile, was upstairs changed into a pair of black trousers and beige top. As she dryed and brushed her hair, she heard all of the commotion downstairs.
("Oh no! Not Again!")
She switched off the dryer, gave her hair a quick brush and then headed downstairs.
Sean, ever persistent, was still trying to get into the house, despite Katherine's best efforts to try and keep him out.
"Now luck!" he said rather angrilly. "I've just about had enough of this!"
"Oh have you now?!" countered Katherine. "Well I'll show you!"
"Aunty Kathy?! What the hell is going on?!" Lisa asked as she came down the stairs.
"Sean!"
"Lisa! Thank goodness!"
"Are you okay?" Lisa asked.
"I'm alright....just about!" Sean remarked as he rubbed his head. "Just a little bit annoyed at the way I'm being treated!"
"Hang on a minute." Lisa said as she closed the door over slightly.
"What's been going on here Kathy?" she asked.
"I'm just trying to protect you Lisa!" grumbled Katherine.

Lisa couldn't help but smile at her aunt, despite the fact tha she and Sean seemed to be at loggerheads. Lisa then adopted a slightly sterner stance.
"I know but you have to let me breath and do my own thing! I'll be fine!" she said as gently as she could sensing how slightly upset Katherine seemed to be.

Even though she wasn't really feeling that happy, Katherine somehow just about managed a smile. She then gave Lisa a kiss on her forehead and then very softly said, "You go on and head off with Sean."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. I suppose he has made the effort to be here at all now." Katherine said rather relucantly.
"Well we WERE heading out anyway." replied Lisa as she got her coat off the coat rack.
"Okay. Well then enjoy yourselves but be careful!" Katherine said rather solemnly.
"See you later." Lisa said as she went out the door to join Sean.

As soon as Lisa and Sean had left the house, Katherine closed the door using her own magical powers. As she made her way back towards the kitchen, she saw Andrea standing just outside the kitchen door.
"Are you causing trouble again, Kathy?" Andrea said half-joking, half-serious.
"Now why on earth would make you think that/!" Katherine replied rather coyly as they both headed back into the kitchen."

WomanSkirtFan8

here's another little bit of chapter 1:

"Back at the house, Maeve finished her phone call and had just left.
("So that's Lisa! I can't wait to meet her mother!')
Maeve went back over to her own car. She rather casually put down the bonnet, got into the driver's seat, closed the door and then miraculously started the engine without any great degree of difficulty and then drove off.
By now, Lisa was in the living room watching some afternoon television when Andrea and Katherine arrived back home.

As they drove into the driveway, Andrea couldn't see any sign of danger. Pulling up and stopping just outside the front door, both women could see that the house appeared to be exactly the same as when they had left it. Everything appeared to be okay.
"Looks like you were imaging things again Kathy!." remarked Andrea as she stopped the car.
"I don't accept that!" snapped Katherine as she got out and headed straight for the front door.. "I'm telling you I know what I saw!"
"Well there's nobody here now!"
Lisa opened the door. The next thing she knew Katherine had swept her up in her arms.
"Lisa! Are you okay?!" asked Katherine as she held her rather tightly.
"I'm fine thanks Aunty Kathy!" exclaimed Lisa. "Ow! You're squashing me!"
"Let her go Kathy!" Andrea said rather sternly.
Katherine let Lisa go. Lisa gasped for a few moments but eventually maanged to regain her breath.
"Is everything okay Lisa?" Andrea asked as she opened the car boot.
"Apart from Aunty Kathy trying to kill me?! Yes mum. Everything's okay!" replied Lisa.
"Good. You can help me bring in all this shopping then so." Andrea replied.
"Why don't we just use our, you know, "gift"?" Lisa asked.
"No!" Andrea replied rather firmly. "We can NEVER use our "gift" in public! Too dangerous!"
"Okay then." Lisa replied taking two of the shopping bags out and carried them back into the house.
"Oh my!" she remarked. "That's an awful lot of shopping for three people!"
"Well it should be." replied Andrea. "It cost enough."
As Andrea carried the extremely heavy bag into the hallway, she winced suddenly.
"Ow!" she exclaimed, arching her back slightly in pain.
"What's wrong mum?" Lisa asked as she placed the last two bags just inside the door.
"I seem to have done myself an injury!" Andrea exclaimed.
"Well then. Why don't you go into the living room and rest for a bit. I'll get Aunty Kathy to help me with this shopping."
"Good idea!" Andrea said as she gave Lisa an affectionate kiss on her head. She then headed for the living room while Lisa and Katherine then took the rest of the shopping into the kitchen.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Meanwhile, Maeve had driven into the centre of Craughhill town. She parked her car beside an old butcher's shop, got out and then made her way up the street towards where the local post office was. She eventually came to a rather slightly ancient-looking, single-level shop next to the local pub. From the outside it looked like any other traditional Irish shop. it had a slightly lower than usual roof and was painted in a pale navy-blue colour. The sign just above the door was carved in an ancient-looking Celtic cross with what looked like a magical pentagram in the centre. The sign itself read the following: "Dark Magic Occult Supplies Lid." This was Maeve's shop.

Besides being a part-time substitute teacher at the Loreto Convent, the local secondary school, Maeve also had a lot of love of the occult. She was very into reading all about history with modern Irish history from the around the 1800's to the present day of especially particularly interest. From reading various books on the subject, she had great admiration for all of the great men and women involved and also, of the courage the face of great adversity. She had also absolutely cried her heart out when she had read about the Great Famine and the enormous human coast of it all.

As she kept reading these accounts, Maeve couldn't help but think
("Oh my! Where on earth was I when all of this was going on?!")
The real truth of this was that Maeve knew exactly where she'd been all that time. She had never told anyone about it as it was her own secret. And anyway, nobody would have believed her if she had told them, which was absolute fine with her. Maeve took a set of keys out of her jacket pocket, opened the door and went inside."

WomanSkirtFan8

Here's an updated version of chapter 1. It's a little bit thin but it is only the first draft.

"Chapter 1

Lisa sat at her desk aimlessly twidling her pen.
("Oh come on! How much longer is it going to be?!")
She looked behind her, the slowly around the room.
She could see that quite a number of her classmates already had, or were, in the process of falling asleep.
The room was so tense, that you could have cut easily cut it with a knife.
Eventually, at 3:30pm, the school bell finally rang.
There was an enormous collective sigh of relief as all the other young female students packed away their schoolbooks.
"Make sure that you have all those assignments done for Monday!" their teacher, Miss Daly, called after them.
"I'm glas that's over!"
"Yes! Me too!"
As Lisa made her way towards the classroom door, Miss Daly called after her.
"Lisa. Could I see you for a moment, please?"
Even though she felt a little bit tired and drained, Lisa nodded.
"What is it Miss?" she asked.
"You haven't seen your mother today have you?"
"No. I haven't actually." replied Lisa. "She usually goes shopping around this time every Friday."
"I see. Would you tell her that I need to talk to her?" asked Miss Daly as she walked back over to her desk.
"Sure. Of course I will." Lisa said as she picked up her schoolbag.
As Lisa left the classroom, making her way down towards the general student assembly area, she paused for a moment, looked back towards Miss Daly's classroom, but then continued on until she got the sixth year assembly area.
After Lisa had gone, Miss Daly picked up her duster. As she began cleaning the blackboard, she also paused and looked around her. She had an uneasy feeling that something was not quite right. She didn't realise it at the time but she was secretly being observed.

************
Meanwhile, Andrea O'Doherty, Lisa's mother, was sitting in the reception area of Craughhill Medical Centre. She was there to meet her twin sister Katherine, who was the resident Family Guidance Counsellor.
It wasn't too long before Katherine finally appeared. She had a brief conversation with a young mother with three children which seemed to reassure them.
"Don't worry. You'll be absolutely fine! Here's my phone number if you ever need to talk to me." she told them handing them a small card.
The young mother thanked Katherine and they then left.
As Katherine was just about to go back into her office, she caught sight of Andrea. She frowned at first but then waved her to her slightly elder sister.
"I'll be with you in a minute Andrea!" she called out.
"Okay Kathy." Andrea replied.
Katherine closed the door. A few minutes later, she reappeared with her handbag slung over her shoulder.
The two sisters embraced each other.
"Did you have a good day?"
"Ah. It wasn't too bad." replied Katherine. "How are things at the school?"
"Well it was fairly routine until the lunchbreak that is." Andrea told. "My goodness! You should have seen the absolute mess that was caused!"
"Well....You know what young teenage girls are like!" Katherine remarked rather offhandidly.
"Maybe so." Andrea agreed. "But not many people around her have been around as long as we have, you know."
"True enough." Katherine nodded.
"If you're ready, we'd better get going if we're going to get to the supermarket." Andrea said looking at her watch.
"Righ then. Let's go."

*****************

"Aren't we done yet Maeve?"
"Not quite Grainne." Maeve answered as she put another stack of books back on the shelf near the door.
"There we go! Done!".
"How are things with you at the moment?"
"Not too good I'm afraid." replied Maeve. "Roisin is still having problems in school, particularly with the senior history teacher."
"Really? That's Andrea O'Doherty." Grainne said. "From what I've heard she's an excellent teacher."
"Well Roisin has said that she's never really been nice to her at all. And this isn't the first time either by the way." Maeve told her.
At that moment, the distant chiming of church bells began to sound.
"Well. I think that's us done for today. See you on Monday Grainne." Maeve said as she handed Grainne her weekly wage packet.
"See you on Monday, Maeve." Grainne said as she left.
Maeve smiled. She then went back into the shop. After closing the door behind her, she then made her way into the backroom.
She knelt down and opened a secretly hidden apartment. She then reached in and picked out an extremely old and ancient-looking golden book. It was entitled, The Golden Book Of The Sidhe.
She ran her finger slowly along the top edge of it. She didn't know what exactly it was but there appeared to be something vaguely familiar about it.
("There you are my little beauty!")
After flicking through a number of pages, she sat down on a nearby chair and began reading.

*****************

Andrea and Katherine had by now arrived into the car park of the local supermarket. While Andrea parked the car, Katherine jumped out. She began bounding almost effortlessly over towards the supermarket entrance. As she did so, a number of people couldn't help but notice this.
Pausing for a moment, she threw them a nasty, almost threatening look.
("What are YOU lot looking at?!")
After a few moments, they just ignored her and continued going about their business.
Andrea watched, shook her head and then followed her in.

*****************

Back at the house, Lisa had now changed clothes. After folding her school uniform up, she placed it very carefully and neatly back in her wardrobe. Picking up her hairbrush she began combing her hair.
As she stood in front of her mirror, she felt an extremely cold, icy chill suddenly run through her.
She shivered.
Then, for a split second, she thought she saw the image of a woman in the mirror.
Her spiritboard then began rattling and moving about.
She put down her hairbrush and watched very closely as it started spelling out the following name:
"....M..A..E..V..E.."
Lisa was puzzled by this. Who on earth could this possibly mean? There were many different women living in the Craughhill area that she knew of with that name. For all she knew, it could be any one of them.
She decided to wait until her mother and aunt got back from doing the shopping before asking them what this could possibly mean.
After a few minutes, she managed to relax a bit.
("What I need right now is a good cup of coffee!")
With that she headed downstairs to the kitchen and put on the kettle.
As she waited for the kettle to the boil, she heard the sound of a car pulling into the driveway.
A few minutes later, she heard the front door opening.
"Lisa! Are you there?!"
"Yes mum I'm here!" Lisa called back.
"Could you give us a hand with the shopping?"
"I'll be there in a minute!"
Lisa checked the kettle. It was still boiling. It would be another few minutes before it was ready. She left the kitchen, making her way towards the front door. She began helping Andrea and Katherine to bring the sjopping back into the house.

*****************
Maeve meanwhile had now closed her shop for the day and was now on her way home. She was driving along a fairly rural part of the county with traditional stone walls on either side of the narrow country road.
At this point, the evening autumn sun was just beginning to fade indicating that evening time was near.
Suddenly, without any warning at all, an enormous flock of crows descended on the car with such speed that Maeve nearly lost control of her car.
Skidding to a halt against a mud bank, Maeve took a couple of moments to compose herself.
She immediately got and began examining the car for any possible signs of damage. Fortunately, there was none done.
("Those damn birds! If ONLY there was some way I could control them! But how?!")
By then, it was beginning to become chilly due to the rapidly expanding night air.
Maeve got back in her car and drove home.

When Maeve arrived home, her daughter Roisin was already in the process of doing her homework.
She hadn't had a good day in school.
Firstly, she'd arrived late for school and then secondly, she'd been given a detention period for her involvelment in the canteen fight.

At around eighteen years of age, Roisin was generally regarded as a fairly competent student. However, she was also known, not just within the school but in the location area for being something of a troublemaker.
If there was ever a complusive troublesome individual, Roisin was it.
"I honestly don't know why I even bother to go to that bloody school!" she exclaimed in frustration.
"Well we DO need to move with the times." Maeve replied. "We have been out of circulation for a long while and we need to brush up on our knowledge."
"Oh please! Not another lecture!" Roisin grumbled.
"What was that Roisin?" Maeve asked rather sharply and sternly.
"Nothing." Roising mumbled albeit, somewhat rather sukily.
Maeve shook her head.
"Why on why did I ever bring your back?" she sighed rather heavily.

*****************

Andrea and her family had now finished their evening meal. As they cleared away the dishes, Lisa sat with her hand just over her spoon which kept jumping up and down in front of her.
Katherine was already doing the washing up at the sink while Andrea was upstairs having a bath.
After a while, there was a little bit of commotion upstairs.
Lisa got up from the table.
"What's after happening now?!" she exclaimed.
Katherine, on the other hand, chuckled quietly to herself.
"What have you done now Kathy?"
At this, Katherine adopted a much more sterner stance.
"Are you back-answering me young lady?!" she snapped.
Lisa just extremely clamly folded her arms, not for a second taking her eyes off Katherine.
Upstairs, Andrea had just got out of her bath. After drying herself with a towel, she sighed as she looked at the frog spawn that had been left on the end of the bath.
("Ohh! Kathy!")
She could hear all the commotion from downstairs. She shook her head. But then, she began to sense a familiar presence coming from somewhere near her.
At almost the exact same moment, the noise from down below also stopped rather abruptly.
There were a number of heavy vibrations throughout the whole house but these ceased almost as immediately as they had started.
Katherine and Lisa were now both standing over by the kitchen door. A few minutes later, Andrea, having managed to get into one of her favourite dresses, joined them.
"What's happening mum?" Lisa asked a little nervously.
"Don't be afraid Lisa." Andrea whispered as she put her hands on Lisa's shoulders. This seemed to relax Lisa a bit, though she was still feeling pretty nervous.
As all three women watched, a ball of mystical blue and white light suddenly came in through one of the open windows.
Within a matter of seconds, it had centred itself on a spot near the backdoor. It then began forming into a humanoid shape.
Andrea turned and looked at Katherine. She could sense an enormous amount of tension from her.
("Take it easy Kathy!")
("I can't! I'm just too tense!")
("I know! But just try to!")

But Katherine need not have worried. The mystical ball of energy eventually formed into the shape of a woman whose physical age may have suggested that she was somewhere between sixty and seventy years old.
Dressed in long navy blue medieval-looking dress, her face was marked with numerous scars, the obvious war wounds of many centuries of magical activity.
She took a few moments to carefully examine herself before walking over to the three women.
"Is nobody going to greet me?" she asked folding her arms.
"Mother! Hi!" Andrea said and she gave her mother a hug.
"Andrea! You look so beautiful!" Aine said as she examined her eldest daughter.
"What about me then?!" grumbled Katherine.
"Hello, Katherine. How are you?" Aine said slightly solemnly.
"Okay." Katherine muttered a little bit quietly.
"So what bringts you here then?" Andrea asked.

Aine took a few moments before adopting a much more solemn posture. She then called for Lisa.
Once everyone was together, she then stood in the centre of the room and began speaking.
"I was contacted by the Wise Ones. They have a number of concerns regarding your behaviour Katherine."
At this, Katherine immediately sat up.
"Me? Why me?" she asked a litle nervously.
"Now THERE's a surprise!" Andrea remarked a little offhandidly.
"What did you say Andrea?!" Katherine snapped.
Lisa closed her eyes, folded her arms, lowered her head and just sighed.
Before anyone could say anthying, an argument had erupted between the two sisters.

This continued on for another few moments until, finally, Aine had heard enough.
"Alright you two! That's ENOUGH!" she said in a voice that was so loud and clear that it shook the whole house.
At this, Andrea and Katherine both instantly jumped while Lisa just simply shook her head.
"What on earth am I going to do about you two?!" she exclaimed.
"Why should YOU care?!" snapped Katherine rather bitterly. "You left the two of us on our own!"
At this, Aine walked very purposefully over to Katherine. Grabbing her by the ear, she lowered her voice/
"Do you EVER back-answer me young lady! You know what happened and also who was responsible for it, don't you?" Aine said, finally letting go of Katherine's ear.

Katherine cried out in pain and began rubbing her ear. With tears in her eyes, she immediately got up and ran out of the house.
Andrea, for her part, was also a little upset at this. She cautiously approached Aine and stood on her left.
"Don't you think that you were maybe a little bit too hard on Kathy?" she asked rather quietly.
Aine smiled sadly.
"I know Andrea. But please try to understand that you, Katherine and Lisa are all that I have in this world. I just want the best for all three of you."

Lisa then spoke up.
"Doesn't someone think that we should go after her?"
Andrea shook her head.
"No. She'll come back at some point. She nearly always does."
Sure enough. No sooner had Andrea said these words then Katherine suddenly reappeared still looking a little upset.
"I'm sorry about that mum." she muttered a little sorrowfully.
"That's okay my darling." Aine said as the two embraced.
Andrea and Lisa both smiled at this. Lisa then said.
"Everything's going to be okay now mum isn't it?"
"Yes Lisa." replied Andrea. She then spoke to Aine.
"Okay. Now that's settled mother, could you be a little bit more specific as to the real reason why you are here now?" she inquired.
"Yes." agreed Katherine. "You obviously didn't come her for no particular reason at all."

Aine toook another few moments before sitting down.
"Could I have a cup of tea first?" she asked.
"Of course. I will get it for you." Andrea replied going out the door. "The same as always?"
Aine nodded.

When Andrea had gone into the kitchen, Aine then turned to Katherine.
The worried look on her face made Katherine feel a little bit even more nervous that she had done beforehand.
"What is it mum? Why do you look so worried?" she asked.
"Come and sit by me." Aine said. "You too Lisa."
Lisa looked at Katherine who nodded slowly.
(When both were sitting on either side of Aine, Aine adopted a much more solemn stance before speaking again.)

When both were sitting down on either side of her, Aine relaxed a bit before speaking again. By that time, Andrea returned with her cup of tea.
"As you know." Aine began. "Before Lisa began her training, the Sidhe said that she would face one final challenge before she can become a full-fledged witch."

Andrea and Katherine both nodded.
"I cannot say for certain but there is an apparent feeling within the sidhe that a great an "ancient evil" as they have put it, will return. Now we do not know when or how it will manifest itself bit it is deffinately coming so be ready to deal with it when it comes."
"Don't worry mum." Katherine said as she got up. "We will be, won't we Andrea?"
"Absolutely Kathy." Andrea firmly agreed with her arms folded.
"And Lisa will help too?" Aine asked.
"Yes I will without question." Lisa replied.
Aine smiled again.
"I know you all will." she said.
"How long can you stay?" Andrea asked after another few moments.
"Well because of my 'situation' I can only remain her for a maximum of two hours." Aine answered getting up.
Just then the clock began to chime six o'clock.
Aine gave Andrea and Katherine a hug each. She then took Lisa by the hand.

Leading her out into the narrow hallway, she paused by the stairs.
"You have a big challenge ahead of you Lisa. Whatever happens, you must always try and stay loyal to your family." she told Lisa.
Aine then gave Lisa a locket.
"If you ever need to contact me, use this." she told her.
Lisa took the locket and nodded slowly.
"I will Gran. I promise." Lisa stated very firmly.
"Good girl Lisa. My you be blessed be." Aine said as she left.
Lisa opened the door and watched as Aine walked very slowly but purposefully into the dark night.
When she had gone, Lisa walked back into the house closing the door behind her with a wave of her finger.

Del.Monte

Ugh! I feel that you haven't read this title http://www.hownottowriteanovel.com/ that you referred to in another thread. There's so much wrong with your style of writing not to mention numerous typos etc.etc. Sorry but you did ask.

I'm working on a novel myself and will stick up a chapter on this forum in due course but if nothing else you will be hard pushed to find a typo in it. Word/Spellcheck are great inventions.

Inquisition

WomanSkirtFan8, I see some potential in your work. It seems creative, thus far, but as others have pointed out you could use work on your typos and the way you tell your story. I have more thoughts, and I hope you will message me with more so I can help you and enjoy the rest of the story.

I don't want you to think I'm blowing smoke, so I've made some alterations to the layout and grammar below. If you like what I've done feel free to contact me. (Please don't be offended or take this as an insult to your work, I just know how I like things.) I would have done more, but I'm a little busy at the moment.

Here's what I came up with:

Chapter 1

As she sat at her desk, aimlessly twiddling her pen, Lisa anxiously wondered, "Oh come on! How much longer is it going to be?!"

She looked behind her to check the clock once more and then slowly scanned the room to see that she was not the only one bored out of her mind. In fact, she was not surprised to notice more than a few tired eyes had already fallen shut with sleep.

Of everyone in the room, only the instructor, Ms. Daly, was unaware of the boredom that had gripped the students so tightly that none of her words were getting through any longer. Lisa had to fight her own urge to sleep as Ms. Daly droned on.

Finally, the bell rang signaling the end of the school day and everyone seemed to come alive. It was as if someone had flipped a switch and sent the class into a hum of excitement with dreams of what the weekend held in store.

Like a flash, the girls tucked their books away, not discouraged even by Ms. Daly’s parting warning as they darted out the door. “Be sure you girls have those assignments prepared for Monday, now!”

“I’m glad that’s over,” one girl quietly muttered.

"Yeah,” Lisa replied, “Me too!" Her conversation was cut short by her teachers gentle interjection, “Lisa, could I speak to you a moment, please?

Trying to put on a good face and hide how tired the dull teacher left her, Lisa forced a smile and in the most pleasant tone possible meekly piped out, “Yes, miss. What did you want?”

“You haven't seen your mother today have you?”

“No, actually, I haven’t. She was out with my aunt before I left for school.”

“I see,” Ms. Daly said, thinking as she began walking back toward her desk. “Would you tell her that I need to talk to her?"

"Sure. Of course I will, as soon as she returns home from shopping. She always goes on Friday afternoons, you see.” Ms. Daly signaled her approval and bid the girl good day.

As Lisa left the classroom, making her way down towards the student assembly area, she paused for a moment, to look back towards Miss Daly's classroom. She felt there was something wrong, but she couldn’t place it so he continued on her way to the sixth year assembly room.

Back in the classroom, Ms. Daly began cleaning the blackboard. For a moment, she too felt the apprehension that struck Lisa and paused to glance about the room. She too could find nothing amiss and continued on her chore.


************

Meanwhile, across town in Craughhill Medical Centre, Katherine O’Dougherty, the resident Family Guidance Counselor, was having reassuring a young mother over her frets regarding her three children.

"Don't worry. You'll be absolutely fine! Here's my phone number if you ever need to talk to me," she told them handing them a small card.

As Katherine walked the family out, she caught sight of her twin sister, Andrea. She gave a disapproving frown, but relented and waved to her (slightly) older sister.

"I'll be with you in a minute, Andrea!" she called out.

"Okay, Kathy." Andrea replied.

Katherine disappeared back into her office for a few minutes, before reappearing with her stylish tan coat and fine brown, leather handbag slung over her shoulder. She walked straight to her sister for a welcoming embrace.

"Did you have a good day?"

"Ah, it wasn't too bad." replied Katherine. "How are things at the school?"

"Well, it was fairly routine… until lunch-break, that is." Andrea explained. "My goodness! You should have seen the absolute mess that was caused!"

"Well....You know what young teenage girls are like!" Katherine casually remarked.

"Maybe so," Andrea agreed. "But, still… not many people around her have been around as long as we have. You know?" Her exasperation was obvious.

"True enough." Katherine sympathetically nodded.

Taking her minds off her concerns, Andrea checked her watch and prompted her sister. "If you're ready, we'd better get going. The market will be getting crowded and I don’t want to leave Lisa alone too late."

"Right, then. Let's go."

.........

Other thoughts, be sure to flesh out your scenes with plenty of details. What is this location? Why are they there? What are there personalities and are they acting "like themselves" or out of the ordinary? Why? (I'm not saying you have to throw everything down at once, but keep those things in mind and let readers know as it becomes important to their understanding of the people and situations at hand.

WomanSkirtFan8

Inquisition wrote: »

WomanSkirtFan8, I see some potential in your work. It seems creative, thus far, but as others have pointed out you could use work on your typos and the way you tell your story. I have more thoughts, and I hope you will message me with more so I can help you and enjoy the rest of the story.

I don't want you to think I'm blowing smoke, so I've made some alterations to the layout and grammar below. If you like what I've done feel free to contact me. (Please don't be offended or take this as an insult to your work, I just know how I like things.) I would have done more, but I'm a little busy at the moment.

Here's what I came up with:

Chapter 1

As she sat at her desk, aimlessly twiddling her pen, Lisa anxiously wondered, "Oh come on! How much longer is it going to be?!"

She looked behind her to check the clock once more and then slowly scanned the room to see that she was not the only one bored out of her mind. In fact, she was not surprised to notice more than a few tired eyes had already fallen shut with sleep.

Of everyone in the room, only the instructor, Ms. Daly, was unaware of the boredom that had gripped the students so tightly that none of her words were getting through any longer. Lisa had to fight her own urge to sleep as Ms. Daly droned on.

Finally, the bell rang signaling the end of the school day and everyone seemed to come alive. It was as if someone had flipped a switch and sent the class into a hum of excitement with dreams of what the weekend held in store.

Like a flash, the girls tucked their books away, not discouraged even by Ms. Daly’s parting warning as they darted out the door. “Be sure you girls have those assignments prepared for Monday, now!”

“I’m glad that’s over,” one girl quietly muttered.

"Yeah,” Lisa replied, “Me too!" Her conversation was cut short by her teachers gentle interjection, “Lisa, could I speak to you a moment, please?

Trying to put on a good face and hide how tired the dull teacher left her, Lisa forced a smile and in the most pleasant tone possible meekly piped out, “Yes, miss. What did you want?”

“You haven't seen your mother today have you?”

“No, actually, I haven’t. She was out with my aunt before I left for school.”

“I see,” Ms. Daly said, thinking as she began walking back toward her desk. “Would you tell her that I need to talk to her?"

"Sure. Of course I will, as soon as she returns home from shopping. She always goes on Friday afternoons, you see.” Ms. Daly signaled her approval and bid the girl good day.

As Lisa left the classroom, making her way down towards the student assembly area, she paused for a moment, to look back towards Miss Daly's classroom. She felt there was something wrong, but she couldn’t place it so he continued on her way to the sixth year assembly room.

Back in the classroom, Ms. Daly began cleaning the blackboard. For a moment, she too felt the apprehension that struck Lisa and paused to glance about the room. She too could find nothing amiss and continued on her chore.


************

Meanwhile, across town in Craughhill Medical Centre, Katherine O’Dougherty, the resident Family Guidance Counselor, was having reassuring a young mother over her frets regarding her three children.

"Don't worry. You'll be absolutely fine! Here's my phone number if you ever need to talk to me," she told them handing them a small card.

As Katherine walked the family out, she caught sight of her twin sister, Andrea. She gave a disapproving frown, but relented and waved to her (slightly) older sister.

"I'll be with you in a minute, Andrea!" she called out.

"Okay, Kathy." Andrea replied.

Katherine disappeared back into her office for a few minutes, before reappearing with her stylish tan coat and fine brown, leather handbag slung over her shoulder. She walked straight to her sister for a welcoming embrace.

"Did you have a good day?"

"Ah, it wasn't too bad." replied Katherine. "How are things at the school?"

"Well, it was fairly routine… until lunch-break, that is." Andrea explained. "My goodness! You should have seen the absolute mess that was caused!"

"Well....You know what young teenage girls are like!" Katherine casually remarked.

"Maybe so," Andrea agreed. "But, still… not many people around her have been around as long as we have. You know?" Her exasperation was obvious.

"True enough." Katherine sympathetically nodded.

Taking her minds off her concerns, Andrea checked her watch and prompted her sister. "If you're ready, we'd better get going. The market will be getting crowded and I don’t want to leave Lisa alone too late."

"Right, then. Let's go."

.........

Other thoughts, be sure to flesh out your scenes with plenty of details. What is this location? Why are they there? What are there personalities and are they acting "like themselves" or out of the ordinary? Why? (I'm not saying you have to throw everything down at once, but keep those things in mind and let readers know as it becomes important to their understanding of the people and situations at hand.

hi there.
I really like the improvements. Its great. Makes it feel a lot more natural.

I'm not offended at all. On the contrary, this has been extremely helpful. I certainly will post some more at a later date. At the moment, I'm just trying to focus on getting the first draft of the novel written. But, yes I certainly will post and share more with you soon. Thanks again.

Inquisition

Thank you. I'm glad you liked the suggestions! If you get stuck or would simply run ideas by me, I'm available for that as well. I've noticed it can sometimes be helpful to have someone to give feedback as you go, so you don't write great lengths only to find a simple plot hole that makes the whole thing fall apart. You know?

Anyway, good luck and keep up the good work!

WomanSkirtFan8

Inquisition wrote: »

Thank you. I'm glad you liked the suggestions! If you get stuck or would simply run ideas by me, I'm available for that as well. I've noticed it can sometimes be helpful to have someone to give feedback as you go, so you don't write great lengths only to find a simple plot hole that makes the whole thing fall apart. You know?

Anyway, good luck and keep up the good work!

Thank you! I certainly will! I'm going to try and watch those typos too! Any constructive comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Inquisition

Any time! Like I said, i'm glad to help whenever!

If you want a little general advice, I'd say two things:

#1. Like they say in chess, keep five steps ahead. Always keep in mind where you want your characters to go and how they should develop, so you can build them up in the right ways and give adequate foreshadowing. (I like they way you did it with Lisa and Ms. Daly feeling something, knowing it would come up later.)

#2. You should remember to fully utilize the power of the written word to give expression to emotion and motivation in the characters. Here is where I think you can make the biggest impact in your writing, because your writing - while entertaining and creative - reads more like a movie scene, giving good imagery, but without delving into the thoughts of the characters.

To give a concrete (albeit unusual) example I'm borrowing from a friend, check out the links below.

First, is a scene from the movie "Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith." If you've never seen the movie you might dismiss it as merely an action sequence with a little bit of plot. You may not find it quite so engaging or interesting on its own.

But, then read in the second link an excerpt from the "Revenge of the Sith" book depicting the same scene. I'd nearly guarantee it will be more captivating because it is able to draw emotional importance and connections in a way in which the film is just inadequate.

Check them out and see what I mean.

I think if you were to remember to do that and really make use of inner dialogue, your writing would skyrocket to the next level! I hope that helps you for now! And be sure to let me know how it goes!

...
Links: [EDIT: I'm apparently unable to post links, so there's instructions instead, in case you're interested.]

Just ad "/watch?v=g3MXkiLIFuY" onto the Youtube page for the video I mentioned and Google "Comicvine." Once you've found the site ad "/profile/silver2467/blog/mace-windu-vs-darth-sidious-what-really-happened/77247/" to the end to find the book excerpt. (It is the first lengthy section in bold print, starting three paragraphs down.)

WomanSkirtFan8

"(I like they way you did it with Lisa and Ms. Daly feeling something, knowing it would come up later.)"

Yes. Something awful and horrible is going to happen with Miss Daly later on in the story (more about that later!)

Am trying to get a good prologue going as well. You know, something really eye-catching that will draw the reader in.

Have done two such attempts (using both grammar and spell-check) and these are as follows:

Prologue (1st Version): "There are many deep and wonderful mysteries in this world. Some of these will sometimes draw you into them whether you wish it or not. Some can be both beautiful and wonderful; others, however, can be extremely frightening as well as long-lasting. My name is Andrea. I live with my daughter, Lisa, and my twin-sister, Katherine, in the town of Craughhill on the eastern side of Galway. We are all modern-day witches and this is our story....."


Prologue (2nd Version): What If I Told You They Magic Was Real? There are many deep and wonderful mysteries in this world. Some can be both beautiful and wondrous; others, however, can be extremely frightening as well as long-lasting and, in some cases, life-changing.

One of these, are the magical arts. Now, I'm NOT talking about all that 'pretend magic' that you something see on television. I'm talking about REAL MAGIC!

My name is Andrea. I live in the town of Craughhill in east Galway with my daughter Lisa and my sister, Katherine. We are all modern-day witches, and have faced many difficult, dangerous and emotional challenges. But none of these were as hard as the one we were faced with about three months ago. It all happened like this....."

Probably too much exposition there but these are only two suggestions.