Everyone in my family is beautiful... Except me

LegacyUser

This is something that I've wanted to get off my chest for a very long time, unfortunately it's something that's hard to talk to people about without having the usual unhelpful pep talk where I'm told that it's not a problem.

Looks wise, the members of my family are stunning. My mother used to date film stars, my father got pretty much any girl he wanted when he was young and my sister gets so many compliments that it's expected to be heard as often as a "hello" or "how are you".

Then there's me. I suppose I would have been good looking if it wasn't what happened to me (and continues to) during my teen years. When I was just beginning to become aware of looks (late into 12 /early 13) I started getting acne. Now I know what you're thinking, every teen gets acne for a while, it's no big deal. Well this acne escalated in a short period of time to become very severe. Unfortunately I trusted in my doctor to take a pill that would "cure me" of my skin problems. Turns out I was one of the rare few for whom the pill caused the opposite effect. The acne turned into giant lumps that were extremely painful. I couldn't put my face on a pillow to sleep as the pain was that bad, I had to learn how to prop my head in between two pillows just so I could sleep. Showering (and later shaving) also became incredibly difficult and painful to do, even smiling caused pain and opened wounds at the worst point.

Long story short, in the seven years since it began, things still aren't looking good. The pill never cured me, and I still get very severe acne to this day (although at least there's a lot less on my actual face nowadays). Unfortunately seven years of severe acne have left my body badly scared. I will never have a normal look even if my acne ever does properly go away.

I've been trying over the last year to try and accept myself and how I look and it's been hard to say the least. The main thing that is preventing me from doing so, is my family. I've tried talking to my father about it, but he just shrugs it aside and tells me it's not a "real problem". Despite this, both my parents wonder aloud as to why I've never had a girlfriend, and have gone as far as to indirectly ask me if I'm gay. They've never had to worry about looks in their entire lives, and the concept of having a son that's ugly seems impossible to them.

I'm nearly 20, and am in college. It's not exactly easy, as it's hard for me to get people to shrug off the idea that I'm "dirty" or"disgusting", just because of my skin. It's amazing how many people my age have a "dermatology PhD" and feel it's their duty to tell me exactly what I should do to get rid of all those dirty spots and holes. However I think that maybe I could learn to somehow live like this, if my family could at least accept how I am.

I know this post has gotten quite long. But if even only one person reads this, the thought of that is comforting for some reason. Thank you, to anybody who reads this, and a double thank you if you could offer me some advice.

Tokyo

OP,

there seem to be two separate issues at play here. The first is that from start of your post to finish, you seem convinced that you'll feel complete if your "family could at least accept how you are" - there's no mention at all of you accepting yourself for who you are. Yes, you got a raw deal with what your teenage years threw at you, but it's important that you be happy with who you are, regardless of those around you. Although you might think it now, your parents turning around some morning and patting you on the back and saying everything is okay isn't going to make you feel any better, if you can't feel good about yourself first. Have you considered working on this side of things?

The second thing I take from your post is that there are many different treatments available these days for acne scarring, medications, laser, etc. Have you actually visited a dermatologist who specialises in such conditions to see what his opinion on your acne is??

LegacyUser

OP, I feel your pain. I had terrible skin as a teenager and I won't lie, at 32 I still have blocked pores, spots and I get new scars.

I was so self conscious at your age. I remember one of my friends who had similar skin told me that his mother said it was way more common in the years before drugs and routine treatments. It is a very visual thing and you do feel like a leper (dramatic I know). My parents had beautiful skin and told me that they didn't know what happened to me!

The thing is, when you are young, your face is pretty much the first thing that you think of and it is the first impression that people have of you. When you are old like me, people are by far less judgemental, they have been burned by the beautiful, they know your personality or when you start a new job, they see and judge your cv first. I know that this is a long way off, but it does get better.

My fiancé is very good looking, has gorgeous skin and never seems to see me for the scar covered mess that I am (my back always has to be covered). People will learn to see you, but the first person who has to separate the skin for the person is you. once you do that, you will be able to mentally get away from it. I would also recommend a good think about what you are good at, because you are so much more than skin deep.

Rubberchikken

beauty is only skin deep and you know that.
any parent worth their salt would help their child not make pointless, hurtful remarks when said child comes to them with something that's bothering them.

i agree people seem to be more able to remark/comment on even total strangers appearances these days, but i think this can come from their insecurity, so try hard to ignore the crap.

speak to your gp or go to another gp and get a referral to a skin specialist. be proactive about it.
i don't think any type of skin will stop someone from liking someone else, but when a person doesn't feel good about themselves and doesn't feel happy in themselves, that will show through, and that will be picked up by others.

take care.

Babooshka

Rubberchikken wrote: »

any parent worth their salt would help their child not make pointless, hurtful remarks when said child comes to them with something that's bothering them.

i agree people seem to be more able to remark/comment on even total strangers appearances these days, but i think this can come from their insecurity, so try hard to ignore the crap.



take care.

Totally agree with this. I hate when parents tell their kids (mostly their daughters) how "pretty" they are, as if they deserve any credit for it. FFS no one is responsible for how attractive or not they are perceived by others. It's very bad to raise kids thinking it matters in the grand scheme of things, the sooner people cop onto showing their children what is of real value the better, this is why there is so much crap to ignore. OP try to focus on what's inside, I am sorry the acne has caused you so much pain, I hope it gets better in time. You're worth more than your facial appearance, or any other body part. Best of luck.

InReality

Maybe your father thought your acne wasn't that bad ?

Dellnum

[QUOTE=

I've been trying over the last year to try and accept myself and how I look and it's been hard to say the least. The main thing that is preventing me from doing so, is my family. I've tried talking to my father about it, but he just shrugs it aside and tells me it's not a "real problem". Despite this, both my parents wonder aloud as to why I've never had a girlfriend, and have gone as far as to indirectly ask me if I'm gay. They've never had to worry about looks in their entire lives, and the concept of having a son that's ugly seems impossible to them.

/QUOTE]

I can't see anything in your post that looks like your family don't accept you. Your father's comment just says that he doesn't feel it should be a problem to you because it isn't a problem for him. If both your parents wonder aloud why you don't have a g/f then it must look to them that there is no reason why you shouldn't so that in itself should be a confidence boost, not a negative.

The most attractive thing about any person is if they are confident in themselves, not how beautiful their face is. Remember that.

You are just feeling ugly yourself OP but nobody else thinks this except you. It is such a pity that you feel like this, but you can get help if you ask your parents to help you with your skin problem and explain to them how you feel.

The most attractive thing about a person is how confident they are, so remember that.

RedXIV

Hey OP,

I remember growing up in a similar scenario as yourself, my acne got very bad and my mother brought me to a GP more than once. Thankfully over time it has eased off my face but to this day, I still get acne on my back and shoulders. Now I was never going to win any awards for beauty anyway, especially after years of combat sports taking their toll on my face but my most important realisation came when I had started college Nd discovered people genuinely didn't judge me and, fair play to women in the world, but it bothered them far less than it ever bothered me.

The old adage that men are more focused on visual stimulus is definitely true and this ironically makes us think that looks are the primary driver in forging relationships when the opposite was more likely to be the case. I've a cousin who was very deeply scarred by acne and he's gone out with a string of stunning girls.

I'm sure you've probably heard every tip, treatment and magic potion to help with skin bit the one I genuinely found useful among all the Crap was the concept that your skin is the last organ to receive the benefits of your diet. If your diet is bang on, your skin will get the benefits. I've gone through a few healthy eating phases and while I can't get rid of it entirely, it definitely calms it down

Thebigblue

From just reading your post i feel like I can feel part of your pain.
I work nights for a factory and my skin got extremely bad for some reason although this went away a short time ago I can remember the way people would look at me and how I felt they would be talking to my spots rather than me.
I can't believe what you've had to go through as you seem that you've had to live with this through the toughest years of your life.
The only comfort i can give is that right now millions of people are in your shoes and they feel exactly the same, alone.
Try your best to be confident in your skin as cheesy as it sounds, what you feel on the inside shows on the outside

Call Me Jimmy

OP it's very hard to say anything to you because I've been through the feelings you're going through and I know how it sounds when people try to say nice things. They say the nice things but you're still in the same position.

Look I know you've said everyone tells you what to do to make your skin better. I've had 15 plus years of skin problems, and started off on all the stuff the doctors recommend and it never worked.

I'd just like to post this : http://imgur.com/YeIVX

My skin has gotten better in every way from using raw honey (note: not boyne valley, it has to be unpasteurised, unheated). When diluted, honey creates hydrogen peroxide which is a natural anti-septic, but the composition of honey will not dry out your skin.

Here is study for seb derm and dandruff, but as posted above, it aids wound healing as well. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11485891?dopt=Abstract

After many years of the feelings you've had I wish you all the best.