Slept with Housemate

tomtom25

Ohhh looking for advice,im female 30 living with my housemate nearly a year now.Have kissed a couple of times and on Saturday night,we were both drunk and slept together.
We are very close and the only thing we don't talk about is each others relationships which i find odd.
i have liked him since he moved in and id like more. Since Saturday in on cloud nine but he seems a little uneasy. Should i start up a conversation about it and if so what should i say? I don't want to loose his friendship or make things awkward.Hes a lovely guy who is very good to me and i feel like we have chemistry but i cant tell if hes interested or not.

NipNip

tomtom25 wrote: »

Ohhh looking for advice,im female 30 living with my housemate nearly a year now.Have kissed a couple of times and on Saturday night,we were both drunk and slept together.
We are very close and the only thing we don't talk about is each others relationships which i find odd.
i have liked him since he moved in and id like more. Since Saturday in on cloud nine but he seems a little uneasy. Should i start up a conversation about it and if so what should i say? I don't want to loose his friendship or make things awkward.Hes a lovely guy who is very good to me and i feel like we have chemistry but i cant tell if hes interested or not.

He is not interested

tomtom25

NipNip wrote: »

He is not interested

Because i wouldn't be in any doubt if he was?

Tilly

If he’s a bit uneasy I’d try and act as normal as possible. I wouldn’t bring it up until after the dust settles maybe.

NipNip

tomtom25 wrote: »

Because i wouldn't be in any doubt if he was?

Could you rephrase that to make it coherent?

tomtom25

NipNip wrote: »

Could you rephrase that to make it coherent?

My best friend is saying that in a couple of days i need to ask him if Saturday meant anything to him as he is constantly flirting with me,texting me and calling during the day and spending alot of time with me but that is easy because we live together.My head is saying that if he has something to say he will say it.i don't know weither to back off and give him space or be busy so he misses me or just be straight up and ask him out straight out and deal with the consequences.

Big Bag of Chips

tomtom25 wrote: »

i don't know weither to back off and give him space or be busy so he misses me or just be straight up and ask him out straight out and deal with the consequences.

And he might be thinking all the exact same things! The only way to figure out what is happening or going to happen is to bite the bullet.

Good luck!

seenitall

Hi OP,

just TALK to the guy, for goodness sake. You are 30, this is no time to be playing games so he misses you etc. You have already done the deed, so it is a bit late in the day for playing coy.

If you cannot communicate with this guy properly, then the outlook is bad indeed. Just lay your cards on the table, there is absolutely nothing to lose. If he isn't interested in anything further, much better for you to know now.

And don't be thinking you would be scaring him away by talking or anything like that. Simply put, if you scare him away by chatting about where the two of you will go from here, he isn't worth your time anyway. Real men aren't bunnies caught in headlights.

Best wishes.

A2LUE42

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

And he might be thinking all the exact same things! The only way to figure out what is happening or going to happen is to bite the bullet.

Good luck!

Would agree with this. He may be acting like that because he is unsure how you feel.

Talk.. One way or another, at least then you know.

tomtom25

A2LUE42 wrote: »

Would agree with this. He may be acting like that because he is unsure how you feel.

Talk.. One way or another, at least then you know.

Thanks,i guess i need to just talk to him but in scared hes totally quite and awkward with me now Doesn't do much for a girls confidence:(

Matteroffact

You need to ask him how he feels about the two of you being together because if you don't it just looks like you were prepared to sleep with him but it meant nothing to you and that is really not a good impression for someone to have of you.

tomtom25

Thank You. Im waiting to talk to him but he seems to be avoiding me he is so awkward.I feel like we are 14 or he is 14!! I don't see the point in telling him how i feel at this stage

CaraMay

Why do you think he is avoiding you

tomtom25

CaraMay wrote: »

Why do you think he is avoiding you

because hes awkward about us? I don't know,it could be all in my head!!

Dellnum

I actually think it is better to make a point of talking about this rather than just letting it go. All you do is tell him you would like to have a few words with him about what happened. Admit that you fancy him and that this would not have happened if you didn't. Then just say "am I to assume that you fancy me too or is this just something that you would prefer to forget about, I don't do friends with benefits so I need to know how to proceed with this friendship".........something like that and this will open up the conversation and then you can take it from there. If he would prefer to forget about it then you know where you stand and will probably feel a bit awkward for a while but you will also make sure that this never happens again.

tomtom25

Thanks All

tomtom25

tomtom25 wrote: »

Thanks All

Cant get hold of him to talk to him at all and hes going away to work for the next week

Addle

He's avoiding you?
If you can't talk to him, have you tried texting/emailing him?

Dial Hard

tomtom25 wrote: »

Cant get hold of him to talk to him at all and hes going away to work for the next week

You live with him - unless he is physically not in the house, you have ample opportunity to talk to him. Go and knock on his bedroom door if you need to.

tomtom25

Dial Hard wrote: »

You live with him - unless he is physically not in the house, you have ample opportunity to talk to him. Go and knock on his bedroom door if you need to.

I am a nurse and he is a banker,we work different hours,i would usually see him two evenings but he hasn't been home this week.

it appears to me he is being extremely childish about this. He bearly spoke to me for three weeks after the last time we were together.then he emailed me and said sorry for being an ass that it was all his fault. Its just starting to annoy me now

tara73

from reading it and how he's avoiding you, I would say he's embarrased and regrets what he's done, otherwise he wouldn't be so absolutely evasive.

sorry, might not be what you hope for.
so I think you shouldn't get emotional invested and I would leave it there. don't pester him, stay calm and cool, I actually wouldn't instigate a talk at this stage anymore.

put it down to experience, we all make mistakes like that.

tomtom25

tara73 wrote: »

from reading it and how he's avoiding you, I would say he's embarrased and regrets what he's done, otherwise he wouldn't be so absolutely evasive.

sorry, might not be what you hope for.
so I think you shouldn't get emotional invested and I would leave it there. don't pester him, stay calm and cool, I actually wouldn't instigate a talk at this stage anymore.

put it down to experience, we all make mistakes like that.

Im so upset but i think you might be right Tara

fergie24

tara73 wrote: »

from reading it and how he's avoiding you, I would say he's embarrased and regrets what he's done, otherwise he wouldn't be so absolutely evasive.

sorry, might not be what you hope for.
so I think you shouldn't get emotional invested and I would leave it there. don't pester him, stay calm and cool, I actually wouldn't instigate a talk at this stage anymore.

put it down to experience, we all make mistakes like that.

x2

If he liked you enough in a i want more than a friend relationship way and wanted it to happen again he would be talking to you.

Idle Passerby

The biggest spanner in the works here is that the two of you already live together. That could potentially cause complications for a variety of eventualities.

If it was just a drunken shag - you still live together - awkward that there is little opportunity for space to let it slide into the past

If he's interested in friends with benefits - you already live together - too close for comfort

If he is interested in more than a friendship - you already live together - it may seem like jumping straight into a full on committed relationship without any of the usual getting to know each other as partners first.

Whatever way it goes, the proximity the two of you have in sharing a house is going to add to the pressure to figure out what it is. In other words, there is less opportunity to take stock than there would be if you could go home to separate houses.

tomtom25

Should i just say nothing and let him get over it?

tara73

tomtom25 wrote: »

Im so upset but i think you might be right Tara

yeah, you poor thing, it's not a nice situation to be in. I say it's a good thing he's away with work, things can settle a bit for you and also for him.

could be that somebody has to move out, but you could still try to be civil and polite to each other to avoid things escalating.

all the best

tomtom25

I just want our friendship to go back to the way it was,we were such good friends...or i thought we were. Five days of the cold shoulder now,i wish hed just grow up!!!! Makes me feel like i jumped him or something when it was him who started it all!!!!!

Idle Passerby

You want it to go back to the way it was, but you weren't really friends to begin with. You were kissing each other from time to time, that's already a build up to something happening so you could say it was inevitable you two would end up sleeping together.You obviously have feelings for him so you cant really just pretend you don't and just go on living together.

I think, let him take the space he needs for the time being, then when he's back tell him you need to discuss what happened and ask him straight out what he wants. Prepare yourself for answers you might not like.

tomtom25

He has literally just came home and been pure normal with me, i was just leaving the house so didn't have time to discuss it.
He was in great form laughing and messing.Lord God what is he like!!

CaraMay

tomtom25 wrote: »

I just want our friendship to go back to the way it was,we were such good friends...or i thought we were. Five days of the cold shoulder now,i wish hed just grow up!!!! Makes me feel like i jumped him or something when it was him who started it all!!!!!

It can't go back, well at least not immediately, to being friends as ye are now 'friends'...

Do you actually want more with him, if so, it's unlikely to happen if ye are living together for all the reasons mentioned above.

He obviously fancies you but isn't ready to take a certain direction with you. If you are only annoyed because he hasn't been home the nights you are then that's just silly.

Let him off on the business trip and just go back to normal once he comes back. Don't sleep with him again as you will only get the same outcome.

CaraMay

tomtom25 wrote: »

He has literally just came home and been pure normal with me, i was just leaving the house so didn't have time to discuss it.
He was in great form laughing and messing.Lord God what is he like!!

So what are you unhappy about now? You said you want your friendship back and you seem to have it?

tomtom25

i am not unhappy,just confused!!

CaraMay

tomtom25 wrote: »

i am not unhappy,just confused!!

How can you be confused? After each 'encounter' he needs space away from you to come back to being normal? It's very infantile but then while you can complain about his behaviour he can easily say that you haven't brought up the subject either.

Your situation isn't going to work out so I think you should stop your flings with him, stay as friends (on your terms) and move on to meet someone else. Don't react to his flirting and put some distance between you.

tomtom25

CaraMay wrote: »

How can you be confused? After each 'encounter' he needs space away from you to come back to being normal? It's very infantile but then while you can complain about his behaviour he can easily say that you haven't brought up the subject either.

Your situation isn't going to work out so I think you should stop your flings with him, stay as friends (on your terms) and move on to meet someone else. Don't react to his flirting and put some distance between you.

its like he loves the build up and flirting and taking me out for drinks and shows etc,chatting about everything ( except our relationships).He shows me off to his friends,when he is away on business he calls me twiceo a day and texts me during the day.but then the few times we are together,he shuts down afterwards and cant look me in the eye at all.Apoligizes after that he knows its his fault and then we go back to having a great time!!! Think i should consider moving out!!

nlk

I don't think there's much to be confused about tbh. He is with you, backs away and then acts as if it never happens. It's his way of dealing with the situation and would suggest he's not interested- maybe he doesn't like you that way, or maybe he feels it's too complicated but for whatever reason, his actions are speaking louder than his lack of words.

I know you say you want to go back to being friends but as others have pointed out you have been kissing each other regularly and you admit yourself that you've liked him since the get go and would like more. I can see an unrequited scenario developing rather than a friendship, one in which he is willing to be physical with you every now and then.

Romantic feelings and housemates just don't work out, at least not if the feelings are one way. How will you feel if he brings someone else home? Are you sure you can avoid sleeping with him or kissing him again? I'm not trying to be harsh- these things would be hard for anyone living with someone they had feelings for.

Personally I'd be making alternative living arrangements.

CaraMay

tomtom25 wrote: »

its like he loves the build up and flirting and taking me out for drinks and shows etc,chatting about everything ( except our relationships).He shows me off to his friends,when he is away on business he calls me twiceo a day and texts me during the day.but then the few times we are together,he shuts down afterwards and cant look me in the eye at all.Apoligizes after that he knows its his fault and then we go back to having a great time!!! Think i should consider moving out!!

Sounds like he is grooming you to be his 'f buddy'! Don't respond to the calls when he is away. He is happy with toying with you as ultimately he is getting what he wants. Tbh I would move out if I were you. You sound like a nice girl op and deserve better treatment than this.

nlk

tomtom25 wrote: »

its like he loves the build up and flirting and taking me out for drinks and shows etc,chatting about everything ( except our relationships).He shows me off to his friends,when he is away on business he calls me twiceo a day and texts me during the day.but then the few times we are together,he shuts down afterwards and cant look me in the eye at all.Apoligizes after that he knows its his fault and then we go back to having a great time!!! Think i should consider moving out!!

This isn't how I would like to be treated by my housemate, friend, or boyfriend so if I were you I wouldn't be casting him in any of these roles!

He's demonstrated he's willing to give you less than what you deserve on all fronts but you have to be willing to say that's not good enough- either literally or with your feet- or he'll keep at it, convincing himself you're happy with that set up too.

P. Breathnach

OP, you are waiting for him to say something about what happened. He might be waiting for you to say something. His mindset might be the same as yours - afraid to talk about it in case a great friendship is damaged.

One of you has to be first to say "we need to talk".

ZiabR

tomtom25 wrote: »

Think i should consider moving out!!

I am glad to see you saying this. This seems to have been something that has been going of for quite some time. Every time it happens he behaves the same way. You don't have to put up with this and nor should you. There are guys out there that would take you out for drinks and shows etc, sleep with you and have general fun PLUS still talk to you the next day. You deserve more. I would me looking for another place to live OP.

tomtom25

logik wrote: »

I am glad to see you saying this. This seems to have been something that has been going of for quite some time. Every time it happens he behaves the same way. You don't have to put up with this and nor should you. There are guys out there that would take you out for drinks and shows etc, sleep with you and have general fun PLUS still talk to you the next day. You deserve more. I would me looking for another place to live OP.

Sod that,i was in the house first,he can stay being a freak or move out!!!!

CaraMay

tomtom25 wrote: »

Think i should consider moving out!!

tomtom25 wrote: »

Sod that,i was in the house first,he can stay being a freak or move out!!!!

You are not helping yourself here. Sounds like you are enjoying the drama a bit. Sure stay so and see how it goes.

Dellnum

The only way you are going to find out what is going on in his head is to ask him. This whole thread so far has just been speculating what he might be thinking. You won't know for sure until you ask him. You are entitled to ask him after sleeping with him and the sooner the better.

Twas Not

Are you male or female OP? Were you previously married ?

http://touch.boards.ie/thread/2055408394/1/#post57725587

Big Bag of Chips

Ok, OP as there seems to be a bit of confusion surrounding your account and whether or not your thread is valid, I am locking this.

If you would like it reopened, then please contact me to clarify.