separation

julyanon

I'm 32 with 2 children aged 3 and 4. Married in 2008 and really never should have. Told my husband in December 2012 that I didn't love him anymore. We still live in the same house as we can't afford to do anything else. I have met someone else that he doesn't know about and I want so much to be with him and have no idea what to do. I'm absolutely miserable and just taking each day as it comes.

Taltos

Hi july

first thing is to check some of the links in our charter - they will give you some idea of your rights and the steps you have to follow - assuming that as you have posted here you are looking to formalising the separation and getting an eventual divorce.

The next thing I would suggest is whether you want to do it privately or through the courts go and talk to a local family solicitor - they will help you figure out your next steps as well as indicating your rights and the rights of your ex. The fact that you are still living in the same house is not a huge issue, you just need to show that you are separated. Not sure if your OH is ready for this but that is part of the reason to have a look at the links and getting some legal advice, this way the fear you currently have you will deal with and then it will just be a matter of dealing with his reaction and the kids.

Living as you are or hiding a relationship is not healthy and will just poison that relationship. I know it's scary but just step back, plan it out and find out where you stand legally - but more importantly figure out what it is you want and get the help you need to get there or as close as you can (i.e. you may have to sell the home but all of this is up in the air until you learn your rights).

julyanon

Thanks so much. I find it so hard to talk to people and I don't think anyone would understand how I feel I sometimes find it hard to believe myself. I will have a look into this. Thank you.

Taltos

Right now it is probably still the shock, no one likes to admit their marriage is over - that has a note of finality to it and also people sometimes fear being judged. Personally I think sometimes it is the only choice to make, and where kids are involved can be one of the hardest decisions you may face.

Find a friend you can tell - someone you really trust, but do get some legal advice. Even if you decide to do it alone (not always recommended) at least get a good idea of where you stand and what to expect. Just to set your expectations though - in a family members case her OH fought it all the way and her legal bills just for the separation were in excess of 20k... So shop around, get some fixed prices and above all else in my mind try to keep it civil.

Be careful in revealing too much or anything about your new relationship until you get this advice. I am assuming that you have already split bank accounts and both have bills in your own names - all of that is good, if not though get that advice this week. Many solicitors may offer an initial free/reduced rate consult but that is not always the case - go in prepared though, get your questions written down and gather any evidence you have - banks statements / incomes etc.

julyanon

I'm over the shock. I've felt like this for about 4 years kept it to myself for 3 which destroyed me but you are right I was afraid of what ppl would say and that I let everybody down. I got to the stage where I finally couldn't keep it to myself. I just can't wait for a day to feel happy again and not thinking about it every second of every day.

desbrook

After you told your husband you didn't love him etc in 2012 what practical changes did you make? Eg. Moving out of bedroom, closing joint accounts, telling friends neighbours, stopped sharing meals/holidays. Without some of the above you didnt actually separate.
In theory he could go for Judicial Separation on grounds of adultery so be careful.

julyanon

Hi desbrook. All of that happened. We actually never had a joint account.

desbrook

julyanon wrote: »

Hi desbrook. All of that happened. We actually never had a joint account.

Well that's something. You have a clear date of separation so which is a start. As other's have suggested a family law solicitor is your next port of call. Things will get better x

julyanon

I really hope so, thanks x

Nevinmccarthy

Hi. It might b too late to reply. I'm in d same situation, and was wondering how your getting on, and if there has been any changes. Would b delighted to hear from u, a fellow female suffering.

josealdo

julyanon wrote: »

I really hope so, thanks x

how is your husband taking the break up ?

julyanon

Hi. Same old same old. Still here taking each day as it comes. Still miserable though . Don't know what to do.

desbrook

julyanon wrote: »

Hi. Same old same old. Still here taking each day as it comes. Still miserable though . Don't know what to do.

Did you consult a solicitor?

julyanon

Not yet. To be honest at moment I wouldn't be able to afford even a consultation. Everything's getting to me. Working full time paying child minder, car, petrol, health insurance and if I'm lucky have 100 left a month and that basically goes for my lunch, so at the min I can't afford anything

desbrook

julyanon wrote: »

Not yet. To be honest at moment I wouldn't be able to afford even a consultation. Everything's getting to me. Working full time paying child minder, car, petrol, health insurance and if I'm lucky have 100 left a month and that basically goes for my lunch, so at the min I can't afford anything

You have four low cost options :

Find one that does first consultation free.
Go to a legal aid night at your local CIC
Apply for free legal aid.
You might have legal assist on your car or home insurance policy. I used it yesterday to get family law advice free!

Are you still seeing someone? Surely he'd give you the money. A 30 min consultation usually costs 70 - 100 euro.

julyanon

No. We've decided to pull things back (not that there was ever really anything to pull back) and just see if anything happens in the future. I know it's for the best but he's still there if I need to talk to him .

desbrook

julyanon wrote: »

No. We've decided to pull things back (not that there was ever really anything to pull back) and just see if anything happens in the future. I know it's for the best but he's still there if I need to talk to him .

As long as you put off seeing a solicitor one of two things will happen. You'll either - continue to feel trapped and miserable or wake up one morning to find your husband has sought legal advice and be left playing catch up. You need to sort this!!

Nevinmccarthy

figs666 wrote: »

how is your husband taking the break up ?

Hi. He's grand, he's says he still loves me and that I'm d one walking out. Truth is he stays in the house as he hasn't done anything wrong ;my fault if I fall out if love, so I need to move. Am already in social housing, so only option is woman's shelter. Not great with kids. Am devastated. There is very little help out there for women leaving the home.