Struggling to have sex for the first time

LegacyUser

Hi All,

Just feel the need to set up a thread for this as its playing on my mind a lot and worrying me too.

Ive been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 6 months now and we have yet to have sex, we tried it for the first time a few weeks ago, he had barely inserted and the pain was simply unbearable for me, therefore we stopped.

We tried it last week too and yet again, i could not withstand the pain that it was causing.

I am worried about this as sex is very important to us both and i want it to happen, but I'm worried that if it doesn't happen soon that he could possibly end it, which would crush me cause i'm head over heels for him!

Is it normal for it to cause this much pain for the first time and could anybody please suggest some solutions or idea as to how we can overcome this.

Many thanks for all responses!

Big Bag of Chips

No it is not normal to be in such pain, even for the first time. Are you aroused enough? If you are too dry penetration will be very uncomfortable.

To be honest, if you are experiencing physical pain, then the best advice anyone can give you is go to your GP. Because intercourse shouldn't be painful.

ComputerKing

I'm just going to come out and ask does your boy friend have a big dick?

This is a problem that a lot of use big dicked guys face with our partners. The only advice I can give if he is is go really so loads of forepaly and loads of lube. After a while you'll get used to it eventually.

nc19

Do you have pain when doing a bit of diy?

Have you tired a vibrator/dildo yourself?

As others have said, if its painful even when fully aroused and lubed and the fella isnt too big then its off to the doctor I think

LegacyUser

I dunno if its normal but the same thing happened to me, the pain was immense! Like something stabbing me!
Two of my friends had the exact same experience but others had no problem that's why i don't know if its "normal" or not
Def go with the lube it really helps, try and relax as much as you can because when you feel you're about to be hurt its very hard not to tense up - believe me I know
Durex Play - the purple one is nice and sensitive - don't buy any "tingling" or "warming" stuff just stick to something basic.
It gets better

LegacyUser

OP here again!

Thank you all so much for the replies!

When ye say that I should consult my GP, what could possibly be wrong?
It is major embarressing when we go to have sex and I just can't handle it!

Yes my boyfriend would be fairly big... Would this have any bearing on the pain?

Also I'm not sure if it would make any difference, but would it be better to try it when I'm a little bit drunk so the pain is a bit numbed, or am I completely wrong here?

Thank you all so much!

Big Bag of Chips

Medical advice/speculation is not allowed. But if you are experiencing pain then it could be a gynae problem.

You could try different positions too which might help. I wouldn't necessarily recommend being drunk! Surely you'd like to be able to remember it.. How drunk would you have to be to numb the pain sufficiently??!

Your best bet is plenty of foreplay so that you are aroused enough. Lubricant. And try different positions.. And try take the pressure off yourself. If you're not relaxed everything will be tense and "tightened".

If you are still experiencing pain, then a visit to the doctor might be needed... They've seen/heard it all before, by the way

ComputerKing

Anonymousforthisthread wrote: »

OP here again!

Thank you all so much for the replies!

When ye say that I should consult my GP, what could possibly be wrong?
It is major embarressing when we go to have sex and I just can't handle it!

Yes my boyfriend would be fairly big... Would this have any bearing on the pain?

Also I'm not sure if it would make any difference, but would it be better to try it when I'm a little bit drunk so the pain is a bit numbed, or am I completely wrong here?

Thank you all so much!

Ya his size can cause more pain. It will take a while to get used to but you will streach eventually. Make sure to use lots of lube and foreplay. There's a community of us over on reddit that I'll link if the mods will allow? I'm 90% certain this is the cause if your problem.

pinkbear

I had problems when I first started too. But 25 years on, we've a fab sex life, so don't despair! I'm not sure exactly what my problem was - probably vaginismus (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vaginismus) brought on by a sheltered upbringing, a fear of pregnancy and a guilty feeling that what I was doing was dirty (I blame my mother, and I've gotten over it long ago!). It took a while to improve, maybe two months in total, but we got there.

I would suggest working your way up to it - start with large size tampons, or his finger, then a small dildo with lubrication, and when you're comfortable with all those you can try sex again. Enjoy trying.

ibarelycare

OP does it hurt when he's fingering you?

LegacyUser

OP again...

ComputerKing...whats reddit?

And I wouldnt say it hurts when he fingers me but I'm a bit squeamish and nearly pull back and try not to tense but i end up tensing when I try to relax!

I think as well the fact that i know it is going to hurt isn't helping the situation either! The more I try to relax the tenser i get!

It is so frustrating and so embarrassing. We are great at foreplay, but I feel we would really be complete when we have sex! The thoughts of him possibly ending it because we can't manage to have intercourse scare the living daylights out of me, but he is always reassuring me how much he loves me and that it doesn't bother him that we haven't had sex, but i know it really does!

Really hope that this is something that I can sort ASAP, the thoughts of seeing a doctor about it to frighten me!

dudara

Anonymousforthisthread wrote: »

Really hope that this is something that I can sort ASAP, the thoughts of seeing a doctor about it to frighten me!

Please don't be afraid of going to see a doctor. There's very little they haven't seen before and they want to help.

pinkbear

If you are going to a doctor, go to a family planning clinic or similar, because that's what they do all day every day. Don't go to your local GP.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, are you comfortable, really comfortable with the idea of having sex or are you trying to force yourself to be because you think your bf will leave you if you don't do it soon? You've mentioned that a few times, and you've mentioned that you are not able to relax, you're "squeamish" and tensing yourself up.

Your first time having sex is nearly always awkward, it's natural to feel a bit tense and apprehensive, but over all you should be enjoying it. Even the awkward bits! You should be excited and you should be comfortable. It doesn't sound like you are really all that comfortable and maybe that's why things are more difficult for you.

I know this might sound like a patronising aul wan, but if you are old enough to have sex, you are old enough to go speak to someone about it if you are having problems. When you become sexually active you also have to have regular smear tests, so you will have to go to a doctor then anyway.

There might be something that needs investigating. Your bf might be too big. You might not be aroused enough... Or you just might not be "ready", yet, and your body is tensing up as a defense.

pinkbear

A lot of people say your boyfriend might be "too big". That could definitely have an impact on the first few times, but of course, female bodies are designed to take any size.

ibarelycare

pinkbear wrote: »

A lot of people say your boyfriend might be "too big". That could definitely have an impact on the first few times, but of course, female bodies are designed to take any size.

That's just not true...

Azteccoffee

I think it depends how big the penis is. If it's over 8 inches in length and over 7 inches in girth I'd the penis is the problem. I'd say what the actual issue is that you are nervous and can't relax. That should be what you focus on.

LegacyUser

Thank you all so much for your replies!

Big Bag of Chips... I want it to happen, definitely, and he is 100% the guy that I want to lose it too, its just that I'm afraid of the pain that it causes, I'm not sure if its pain or just uncomfortable!

I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with it happening as i'm a bit scared about the whole thing! At this stage I just want to get it over and done with so that it will hopefully get easier!

Any tips on how to relax a bit, are some positions less painful than others for the first time?!

tara73

it appears to me also you are just too fearful of the real sex thing and thus being so tense and it's hurtful, a vicious circle.

I think it might be helpful to just talk to a person you trust about it. is there anybody near you, a relative or a friend?

I would also suggest going to a doctor or family planner how it's so nicely called:). you don't need to go to your GP, look for somebody who doesn't know you and I would suggest looking for a female doctor in this case.

all the best

ComputerKing

ibarelycare wrote: »

That's just not true...

Thant's not true to a certain degree. Eventually it can be trained to stretch and accommodate bigger girths however some of us guys will never be able to fully penetrate without hitting off the cervix.

ComputerKing

Anonymousforthisthread wrote: »

OP again...

ComputerKing...whats reddit?

And I wouldnt say it hurts when he fingers me but I'm a bit squeamish and nearly pull back and try not to tense but i end up tensing when I try to relax!

I think as well the fact that i know it is going to hurt isn't helping the situation either! The more I try to relax the tenser i get!

It is so frustrating and so embarrassing. We are great at foreplay, but I feel we would really be complete when we have sex! The thoughts of him possibly ending it because we can't manage to have intercourse scare the living daylights out of me, but he is always reassuring me how much he loves me and that it doesn't bother him that we haven't had sex, but i know it really does!

Really hope that this is something that I can sort ASAP, the thoughts of seeing a doctor about it to frighten me!

Reddits similar to boards however its bigger and world wide with forums based on nearly every topic you can think of. There's a group of us over there at reddit.com/r/bigdickproblems where we talk about the problems we have because of our size during sex and everyday life.

The best advice I can give is that you use loads of lube and at least 30 minutes of foreplay. Also if ye do want to try condoms again I'd recommend you buy them off a company such as theyfit.

YumCha

Anonymousforthisthread wrote: »

Any tips on how to relax a bit, are some positions less painful than others for the first time?!

Hi OP - pain can be related to a number of things, some of which might not have anything to do with position or relaxing. My first 2-3 times were SUPER painful and involved bleeding (due to normal first time stuff i.e. hymen), but after that it was absolutely fine.

If it's anything else (thrush, vaginismus, vulvodynia, etc. etc.) then that's a straight to the GP thing.

If you don't have any problems with fingers, tampons, or toys - then I'd say you're just going to have to break on through... otherwise just go to your doctor and get checked out to put your mind at ease.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I just wanted to post to say that I had the same issue for a number of years.

I had tried to have sex with my first boyfriend at age 18ish, tried a lot, but it was just too painful. So much so that I was convinced there was just no hole there! I didn't know much about female anatomy at the time. But at the same time, when I tried to use tampons I couldn't get them in either, so I reckon I really did have a large hymen.

I tried with my second boyfriend, which was of course too painful. I looked up all sorts online, and concluded it must be vaginismus, though I had no fears about it at that point, I was more annoyed and upset than anything. I found that you could order these 'cones' online to try gradually open yourself up, but they were very expensive so I didn't. Eventually I think we just stopped trying. I'm pretty sure I went to the doctor about it, but tbh I can't remember anything coming of that, if I did.

I was single for a while after my second boyfriend. I was out one night, very drunk, and a guy I was with took me back to his, and we got naked and before I knew it we were having sex. It was quite a shock to me. I never thought it would happen. I had tried everything - lube, foreplay, toys, drink, and other things. But it finally happened, with a whole lot of not caring, no expectations, and lots of alcohol.

I know some have said you'd probably rather not be drunk, but being in that position is not pleasant for you, and I think if you're at the point where you've tried everything and you want, I would suggest.... well no, I wouldn't, I'm just saying what my experience was. Of course, what kinda helped was the guy that I finally had sex with wasn't really very big. Not very small, but maybe a little less than what would be average. So yeah I would suggest trying toys, your fingers, his fingers and everything else to help.

chellyry

As others have said use plenty of lube and a vibe first. It sounds like the hymen hasn't broken yet. Did you bleed?

Use them when your bf isn't there. Go as slowly as you want but don't give up as soon as it hurts just a tiny bit. It is very embarrassing buying a vibe too (no matter what age you are, or how many times you've bought sex toys before) but the girls in Ann Summers have seen and heard it all so they won't judge you. Just pick one similar to your bf's size.

And use condoms with your bf! Don't think it'll be less sore without them.