Right or Wrong

LegacyUser

My o/h is inclined to get very drunk when he goes out with the lads. I am always worried sick when I hear he is going out. The last time he went to a stag party and had to be put to bed early on in the hotel. He then promised me this would not happen again, so roll on another stag in UK and he told me he was not going, so I was pleased about that. I asked him what he was doing that night and he said nothing so I asked him would he be able to give me a lift to a party I was going to and he said he would.

But, the morning of the stag came and he just told me out of the blue that he was going to the UK to this stag party and had booked it a week ago. He waited until the day of the stag to tell me even though he knew for a week that he was going. He also lied when I asked him what he was doing that night and lied that he would give me a lift to my party when he knew he would not be available. Is this a cause for concern in my relationship. Not sure whether to get mad or whether it is only a trivial thing.

CaraMay

It's huge. He is lying to your face. No one deserves that.

better call saul

Sounds like he's only having the craic?

Bafucin

I would say you are being controlling. A night out with the lads is largely about getting drunk. He is wrong to lie but I can see why he does. You seem to want him to give you a lift to your parties yet don't like him partying. Being put to bed early is hardly a huge deal as far as being on a stag goes. I would say springing a trip to the UK on the morning he is going is inconsiderate of him though. But maybe he feels controlled.Maybe you need to ease up a little and get let him live his own life and he needs to be more open. If you ease up he will feel like being more open.Nothing would have me running and hiding more than someone who was on my case all the time. But you do have a right to him being upfront with you.

Talk about it with him.

R.D. aka MR.D

Hey OP,

I've been in a relationship where i was constantly worrying about the other person when they went out drinking. He would get into trouble/fall asleep outside. I was even rang once by a barman to come get him from the pub. The stories are endless and i'm actually quite embarrassed that I put it with it for almost 4 years.

He had a drinking problem and from what I hear from mutual friends, still does.

Getting out of the relationship was the best thing to ever happen to me. Now I know that it's not normal to have to worry about your OH when they are out drinking.

It's not right that he felt that he had to lie to you either. The other posters are right in a way. Are you always giving out to him?
Is that the kind of relationship you want? I know for me personally, I want a partner, an equal and not a son.

Depending on how invested in the relationship that you already are, I would either:
-sit down and have a big long talk and give him a chance to explain his side of the story. Why did he feel the need to lie to you? See if you guys can work together towards a healthier relationship.
or
-cut your losses and run. Work on yourself and see why it is that you don't know whether some one lying to your face is 'trivial'.

Buona Fortuna

Hi OP.

I think there's a possibility that he thinks he's being handled.

I wonder as well are you a little to blame here? He says he's not going on the stag and you say "Drive me to Flossie's party and then pick me up at silly O'Clock."

So all his mates are at a Stag, his GF is at a party, and his Saturday comprises a bit of taxi driving, no drinking and the finest RTE has to offer.

Was it ever suggested he come to Flossie's party? Could you have gone out together/stayed in watch Mrs Brown's Boys - whatever.

I just see everyone having plans for the w/e bar one.

It would be a miracle if that was the full story but I wonder if there are elements?

shalalala

OP you are right to get concerned. The lie iis the killer. Knock this on the head while you can. Either by having it out with him or by finishing it.

Hannibal Smith

Is he lying because he wants to avoid an argument about going out? If you don't like him going out do you hassle him about it? While a lie is never good, if he feels he can't tell you something because of how you react then that's a problem too.

Meauldsegosha

It's fairly common on stags that one of the group will have to be put to bed early. I wouldn't have a problem if my boyfriend did that.

You say you constantly worry when he is out with the lads. Why is that? What has he done previously to give you cause to worry? Or are you just a natural worrier?

I think he feels he has to lie to you to get some peace.

LegacyUser

OP here. I have absolutely no problem with him going out enjoying himself. It is just that I worry that he gets footless when he does go to these stag parties and I worry that anything could happen to him in this state. He is otherwise a very considerate guy and I have never known him to lie to me before. He was the one who said he wasn't going to go to the UK to the latest stag party. I didn't lay down the law that he was not to go, but I was pleased that he said he wasn't going. Then he obviously changed his mind, booked it but denied he was going until the day he was to go. I was just so shocked that I didn't know what to be more angry at, the fact that he was going and there would most probably be another episode of too much to drink, or the fact that he lied about it.
I guess I won't be ending the relationship over this but not sure how to handle the situation when gets back.

Buona Fortuna

OP thanks for clarifying that. That sounds quite a deliberate lie and I agree you're entitled to be cross.

I think he owes you an explanation as to why he felt it was necessary to lie to you. I think he also needs to provide reasons for you to trust anything he tells you in the future.

Does he have a drink problem?

LegacyUser

I don't think he has a drink problem in that when he goes out with me he can drink moderately. He belongs to a rugby club and that seems to be where the problem lies. It is just when he goes out with the lads from this club that he cannot hold his drink. He obviously wanted to go to this UK stag party by hook or by crook. He put off telling me by feeding me with lies until he couldn't deny it anymore. I just feel it is about time he copped himself on as far as the drink is concerned. I do not like to think that my b/f is the laughing stock on these nights out. If the drinking to access was not a problem he could go to as many lads nights out as he pleased. Do men like this calm down as they get older or are they always like this. I also do not like being lied to the way he did it and I would begin to doubt everything he tells me now.

Matteroffact

It would come across to me that you are concerned about him when he goes out with the lads and concern doesn't equal keeping tabs on him. He lies and you get the blame for his lies, not right.

He obviously didn't want to upset you by letting you know in advance that he was planning this trip so he waited until the last minute to tell you. I just think that lying is wrong.

Have a chat with him about being honest and if has never lied to you before then I would ask him why he did it this time. I am sure he will just say because he wanted to go, said he was not going, and then he felt bad that he changed his mind. He needs to be more open for this relationship to continue though. If there are any more lies then I would be worried.

LegacyUser

OP my bf was like this too and looking back on it, it was pretty much ME that was causing it. I used to fret and worry like an idiot if he went out and freak out if he didn't wb to a txt I'd send him late in the night and then I'd be an absolute anti Christ the next day with him while I waited hours for him to wake up etc. he started not saying he was going out until the last minute etc and it used to rile me something terrible. I got paranoid thinking he was doing this on purpose and the mind led to all sorts of ridiculous thoughts.

I sat down with him and he told me how I made him feel like he was walking on eggshells and it was like he needed permission to go out on a whim with friends. Needless to say I felt like **** for making him feel like that and now 4 years on, it's totally different, I'm not that person anymore, I don't worry or fret because let's face it OP, you cannot control another persons actions. So I let it all go and I feel much better now. I'm more carefree and he doesn't make up lies anymore. You need to relax and let it go, he won't feel the need to hide or lie when he's going out.

DukeOfTheSharp

Sounds like he's incredibly irresponsible, and lying going to the stag party was utterly and completely unacceptable. He essentially needs you to babysit his drinking, and outside of that, he's encouraged by his rugby club to drink to excess, because they enjoy watching him foolishly entertain them. He has no ability to dictate his own actions, and by the sounds of it, he just does whatever the situation calls for. That's incredibly immature. Whether or not he's got a problem with drinking, the fact that you worry and have probably made it clear that you worry, and the fact that despite this, actively does it anyway means that this isn't trivial. He's not even attempting to meet you halfway here, he just does what he wants - in this case he booked flights to the UK a week early and never told you.

Point is, you shouldn't have to worry about him, but you do, because you care...but it's more unhealthy for you than it is for him. Sit him down, tell him he's not only being inconsiderate, selfish and irresponsible, but a two-faced liar, and if the answer is anything near 'well everyone does it' or 'I can do what I want' dump him. Normalizing this behaviour won't help you, and if he's just going to shirk responsibility you don't need him in your life.

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone that replied to this. I am unable to thank people individually because I am not a regular user and do not have the facility.

I think DukeOfTheSharp has hit the nail right on the head, and it is irresponsible of him. I will quote this to him because I too believe it. Thanks DueofThe Sharp, I can see it clearly now.

eeeee

I would say Hey OP is closer to the mark. You seem quite controlling and paranoid, and I suspect he didn't tell you about the stag as you would give him grief and he would feel like he can't go. It's not like he is doing this week in week out, it's just blowing off steam. You may not like it, but all the texting and the judgement only compounds the situation. He's a big boy, if his friends laugh at him that's his problem, it's not your responsibility to care about what he looks like.
I suspect the less of an issue you make it the less of a problem it will be. I cannot understand why you would text him and check up on him when he is out? If you are happy in every other way and you are good to each other I don't understand the need.

LegacyUser

Anxious123 wrote: »

Thanks to everyone that replied to this. I am unable to thank people individually because I am not a regular user and do not have the facility.

I think DukeOfTheSharp has hit the nail right on the head, and it is irresponsible of him. I will quote this to him because I too believe it. Thanks DueofThe Sharp, I can see it clearly now.

OP to be totally honest, you cannot control a grown man when he goes out drinking. I had to learn that the hard way when I was constantly nit picking my bf about going out to the point where he lied through his teeth to me everytime he went out. Nobody should be made feel like that. So what if he goes out and gets hammered? You cant force him not to. And basically your reply above shows to me that you think he's completely to blame in all of this (which I have to disagree with, with all due respect) and will lambaste him for being irresponsible with drink on him, which I think will only lead to more lies and more covering his tracks from you. I'm only being a little harsh here because I was that person before, and I totally pushed my bf away because of it. Since I calmed down and stopped worrying, it's like a different relationship. I fully understand you worrying about him getting legless but again, he's a grown man, you cant control how much he drinks. Same way he cant control you when you go out and get drunk!

LegacyUser

It just so happens I do not like or admire men who go out and get legless and in my opinion it is certainly not attractive. If other men want to do this that is their business but I would not like if my b/f was one of these. I have no objection to him going out and enjoying himself and if he wants to he can do this every night of the week. The point is that while a lot of men might do this in their teens I would expect a man in his late twenties to have more sense. I object to this sort of behaviour just because I have standards. If he cannot control himself or learn his lesson from past episodes and then lies his way out of it then he is not for me. I think that about sums it up for me.

Thanks for all the opinions, they were greatly appreciated.

DukeOfTheSharp

gadetra wrote: »

I would say Hey OP is closer to the mark. You seem quite controlling and paranoid, and I suspect he didn't tell you about the stag as you would give him grief and he would feel like he can't go. It's not like he is doing this week in week out, it's just blowing off steam. You may not like it, but all the texting and the judgement only compounds the situation. He's a big boy, if his friends laugh at him that's his problem, it's not your responsibility to care about what he looks like.
I suspect the less of an issue you make it the less of a problem it will be. I cannot understand why you would text him and check up on him when he is out? If you are happy in every other way and you are good to each other I don't understand the need.

It's actually not controlling or paranoid, it's having a genuine concern in a relationship for someone's well being, and if she's gotten to the stage of judgement, let's remember, you don't start there, it's where you go when there's nowhere else to go. It's not like the guy is going out and only getting pass-out drunk now and again. It's consistent. If I had a significant other that did that, I'd be a) worried because they're not taking care of themselves and could very well get alcohol poisoning and b) annoyed because they decided my concerns weren't worth listening to. Relationships are a two way street, but this chap seems to do whatever he wants, consequences be damned. If it isn't right for her, it shouldn't be right for him, and he should address it. Instead he lies and drinks and passes out and we normalise because this is Ireland and people dying for excess alcohol consumption never happens. God forbid she cares enough about him to want to avoid kidney or liver transplants, or death.

He said he wasn't going to the stag, but then booked it the week before (probably at the behest of his 'friends') and lied to her about it...I fail to see what the OP could've done to garner this reaction. Surely she wouldn't have been thrilled to hear it, but lying compounds the issue really. He's acting like a child, it's not the OPs place to be worried about him, but she feels she has to be because he seemingly lacks self-preservation skills. Relationships go two ways, his time with 'the lads' shouldn't impact his relationship, but it does. If he acts differently around her (controlled drinking) than around his friends, the OP is essentially put into the role of babysitter by default. Excessive drinking can kill you, I've know several people who get pass-out drunk and ended up needing stomach pumps/life support. Normalising his, quite frankly ridiculous behaviour (since I'm assuming he's a grown man) and shaming the OP for not wanting to put up with someone with so little sense of self, who just adapts to the situation like a chameleon, is unhealthy.

LegacyUser

Thanks once again DukeOfTheSharp. I thoroughly agree with how you see this, and you say it far more eloquently than I could.

ViveLaVie

I think you are only looking for someone to confirm your own point of view and justify you as being in the right rather than actually looking to consider if you are being reasonable or not.

Just because DukeOfTheSharp echoes your own thinking does not mean you are in the right. There are several more posters here who believe you to be overreacting and your bf clearly falls more in line with their thinking. Relationships are about compromise and if you are not willing to attempt to do so then you are not being fair to your partner.

I don't believe you have a right to tell your boyfriend how to behave when with his friends, except in a case of him being downright disrespectful towards you, and to expect him to drive you to a party and sit at home all day missing what is obviously a close friend's stag, which is an important event, because you don't like him being drunk seems ridiculously unreasonable to me.

LegacyUser

A lot of the posters here feel it is okay for my b/f to do what he did, and I was the cause of it. I don't agree with this sentiment at all, just because a lot of posters think it. Nothing would convince me that a man getting legless on nights out with his pals is a proper way to behave. Yes, I was happy that DukeOfTheSharp echoes what I knew all along to be right. I agree that relationships are about compromise but not when it refers to getting drunk and legless. There are plenty of less serious issues that can be compromised on.

I agree I have no right to tell anyone how to behave but I have a right to chose the type of behaviour that I don't like in a relationship and to voice my opinion on it. I asked him to drive me to a party because he said himself he was doing nothing, a lie as that turned out to be. I didn't tell him not to go to the stag party, he decided himself not to go after he made a show of himself at the last one, then he changed his mind, which he was quite entitled to do but lied about it right up until the last minute probably because he knew it was not a good idea.

However, as I said before thanks to all the posters who took the time to voice their opinion on this. I appreciate all the replies but I now know what is right and wrong for me.

dellas1979

Anxious123 wrote: »

It just so happens I do not like or admire men who go out and get legless and in my opinion it is certainly not attractive.

Totally confused by the above-then why are you with him if you know this about him? What you want isnt wrong but you are projecting something you believe onto him. Something he doesnt seem to care much about.

Anxious123 wrote: »

I would expect a man in his late twenties to have more sense.

And so, you are the sense. And you are right. So, what you feel about this, he has to feel the same way then too, right? (no, he doesnt)

Anxious123 wrote: »

I object to this sort of behaviour just because I have standards.

So, he doesnt meet your standards.

Anxious123 wrote: »

If he cannot control himself or learn his lesson from past episodes and then lies his way out of it then he is not for me.

Id say he is terrified of you! No, he shouldnt of course have lied. But there is a bigger (very obvious) reason why. You are not even asking or thinking "why did he feel the need to lie to me". Either he is a very shady character indeed, or something else is gone wrong.

LegacyUser

Yes you are right dellas I am projecting my beliefs onto him, because they are my standards. If he doesn't agree with them then we are not compatible.

I am not wondering why he lied because I know, he didn't want to admit he was lining himself up for the same behaviour again by going to this stag party, so he lied about it.

As this situation has now been resolved, I just want to thank each and every one of you for your input. It has helped me come to a decision and I don't need any more advice on it. Many thanks.