Hitting children legal in Ireland

Saster123

My mother always used to beat me like a dog until I got big enough to hold her back. She always used to say that you were allowed to hit your children as long as you didn't break the skin. Recently I was reading something that said that hitting children was still illegal even if you didn't break the skin. If this is the case and my mother has been in the wrong all this time what should I do?
She kicked me out seven weeks ago but when I made some money she came and dragged me back home asking for rent (30euro a week) and not letting me move out. Even going as far to lock my bedroom door at night so I can't run away. I'm only 17 until the 19th and she's really turned up the heat. She tried to throw my phone out of the car the a few days ago and I stupidly bit her hand (she had to reach across me to get it and I just didn't think, my phone is my only way to talk to people since it's also my supply of internet and I live very far from everyone (nearest neighbours 16km)) since then she's been even more physical with her abuse. Ever since I was very young she has treated me very coldly but used to have a nicer side. For example she once took me to an adventure park but while we were there verbally abused me infront of various people calling me fat and unappreciative. My friend died recently from suicide and my mum basically said she deserved it for being lesbian (which was the reason she committed suicide). She usually keeps going until I cry so much it's hard to breath before she throws me out. There have been numerous episodes where she has done especially bad things to me. she used to threaten to push me into traffic if I was naughty when we went to the shops.
I've begun to realise with the help of my friend that she is mentally ill but I literally have not been allowed to be around enough families to be sure how much of this is normal and how much is abuse. My situation right now is I avoid her at all cost. I get breakfast at 6am when she isn't up and only have to come out of my room for dinnertime +cleanup. This morning she came to my door and screamed at me (she thought i was drinking alcohol because she can't read the words 'energy drink') for 2 solid hours. My father has basically said that he won't get involved because she's threatened divorce and he doesn't want her to have sole custody of the children because he doesn't know what she will do to them.

Penny Tration

Anytime she hits you, call 999. She cannot abuse you like that.

Saster123

green_screen wrote: »

Anytime she hits you, call 999. She cannot abuse you like that.

I can't call the feds on her she's my mum. also i'm only 17 for a while longer so i don't have any proper rights. i'd get put in care

Penny Tration

Saster123 wrote: »

I can't call the feds on her she's my mum. also i'm only 17 for a while longer so i don't have any proper rights. i'd get put in care

You have got rights, you have the right not to be abused by your mum. Why can't you call the police? She's not acting like a mother, so why be so loyal to her? A police caution might give her eenough of a shock that she stops.

Have you got any relatives or friends you could confide in or stay with?

Meauldsegosha

Saster123 wrote: »

I can't call the feds on her she's my mum. also i'm only 17 for a while longer so i don't have any proper rights. i'd get put in care

Of course you have rights. Just because you're under 18 doesn't mean you don't have rights. If she hits you again ring the Garda. Ring childline also.

Saster123

green_screen wrote: »

You have got rights, you have the right not to be abused by your mum. Why can't you call the police? She's not acting like a mother, so why be so loyal to her? A police caution might give her eenough of a shock that she stops.

Have you got any relatives or friends you could confide in or stay with?

No my parents and younger brothers are my only family, the rest are either in Australia or in prison/mental asylums. I've never met most of them and the ones I have met have mostly been complete nutcases.
I'm nearly 18, I'm hoping that I'll be able to escape. She can't really hurt me badly anymore since i'm stronger now.

kiffer

Saster123 wrote: »

I can't call the feds on her she's my mum. also i'm only 17 for a while longer so i don't have any proper rights. i'd get put in care

Of course you can.
And should.
This is the sort of thing that comes up years later in therapy... "I couldn't get out because I felt I couldn't tell anyone because you don't grass on family".
The sooner you get help the better for everyone.
The whole don't tell anyone anything is how people get away with this behaviour.

Saster123

kiffer wrote: »

Of course you can.
And should.
This is the sort of thing that comes up years later in therapy... "I couldn't get out because I felt I couldn't tell anyone because you don't grass on family".
The sooner you get help the better for everyone.
The whole don't tell anyone anything is how people get away with this behaviour.

I'm scared I'll get taken to a foster home

kiffer

Saster123 wrote: »

I'm scared I'll get taken to a foster home

How long till you are 18?
How old are the others?

Saster123

kiffer wrote: »

How long till you are 18?
How old are the others?

ten days and the others are 10, 4 and 1

bee06

kiffer wrote: »

How long till you are 18?
How old are the others?

Surely a foster home where you aren't being beaten and verbally abused is better than your current situation? What about your siblings? Are they younger and being treated the same?

Saster123

bee06 wrote: »

Surely a foster home where you aren't being beaten and verbally abused is better than your current situation? What about your siblings? Are they younger and being treated the same?

Only I get treated badly. I think she's afraid to be horrible to the boys because one day they'll be a helluva lot bigger and stronger. Theres a boy on my bus who's gone from foster home to foster home and has a huge burn on his arm where his foster mother burnt him with hair tongues for disrespecting her

kiffer

OK, so in ten days you'll be 18 and won't have to worry about foster homes at all...
Your father says he won't do anything because if they divorced he would be worried what she would do to the kids?
Well when you're out of the house she may well start on the next most vulnerable. You want to establish with the local authorities that she is abusive so that in the event that she targets another child she isn't the one that gets custody, your father is.

Saster123

Right... and they won't get taken into care as long as he's there right?

Penny Tration

Saster123 wrote: »

Right... and they won't get taken into care as long as he's there right?

That's not necessarily true. If they suffer abuse, they may be taken into care. More than likely, they won't be, though.

At the end of the day, being in care is a hell of a lot better than being in an abusive house, and they would suffer less psychological trauma from foster care than from regular abuse.

Saster123

green_screen wrote: »

That's not necessarily true. If they suffer abuse, they may be taken into care. More than likely, they won't be, though.

At the end of the day, being in care is a hell of a lot better than being in an abusive house, and they would suffer less psychological trauma from foster care than from regular abuse.

I wouldn't want them to go into care because people around here just foster children for money and from what i've seen don't treat them well. Also i might not ever see them again

Dodd

I think you should contact a social worker.

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/health/care_in_your_community/social_work_services.html

Meauldsegosha

I can only imagine how hard it is for you to be in this situation but you really should report her to the appropriate authorities. When you leave she may well direct her anger towards your younger brothers. If the authorities are aware of the situation the can monitor the situation.

Catari Jaguar

You poor lamb, that's so awful. Please talk to a trusted adult, or if when (if) you go back to school, tell a teacher you like. They have access all the avenues needed to protect child welfare and are very supportive and delicate. It's not about breaking up families, it's about helping keep them together in a functional way, through support, guidance, mediation... There was an act brought in recently about child safety, so basically if you're removed from your immediate family you'll be place under the care/ guardianship of a relative or family friend. I'm a primary teacher and see this happen quite often. It's a shame that level of support might not be available once you turn 18, but at least you can leave home and know younger brothers will be ok. Best act quickly, contact Childcare or a local social services. You HAVE rights, you deserve better, it WILL get better, but you need to get away from that environment. Good luck.

Dodd

OP I think your mother has brought you up to think children are the property of the parents,They are not and have the same right not to get hit as your mother has.
If your father hit your mother it would be as wrong as it is for your mother to hit you and she would likely call the police.

Get some help somewhere if not for your sake then for the sake of the other kids.

Flippyfloppy

OP I totally get where you're coming from regarding not knowing whether stuff going on at home is normal or not. I grew up with an abusive mother too, and it was only when I started going over to other girls houses when I was about 12, I started to realise that there were big differences. At first I thought my friends parents were weird, then I started noticing the fact they'd have dinner cooked for them, clothes bought for them, hugs and cuddles and nice supportive things said about them. It was alien to me.

From what you've said, your mother is way out of line and most likely mentally ill. There's probably more things day to day that are down right weird. My father was the same, he was afraid to break up with my mother in case she got to keep me, it terrified me too. For whatever reason, when I was about 16 they did break up and she didn't try for custody anyway.

Like you say, you're nearly 18. You won't have to worry much longer. Save as much as you can for a deposit in a house share. Anything you get for your birthday, save!

I recommend ringing childline. Tell them your worries, tell them about your siblings, tell them everything. Hopefully they can put you in touch with a Garda who is experienced in dealing with child Abuse cases. You're 18, you're ok. It's the little ones you can help now. At least make Garda etc aware of what's going on, as a pp said in case a custody battle should occur.


Ps - the breaking skin thing, your mother has that mixed up with dog bites and whether a tetanus is needed ?? I think my mother said the same ****

LegacyUser

Sweetheart, will you do me one favour please?

Would you call Childline when you read this please? https://www.childline.ie

I'd really appreciate if you did because people here want you to be ok.

You can talk to them on the phone or chat over the internet to them if that's easier for you.

Remember, you're a great person and you deserve better than this -one phone call could really make your life so much better!

Pablodreamsofnew

This makes me so sad for you. I've been through something similar and I had to move out as soon as I could. It was both parents in my case.

I have an ok relationship with them now but I keep my distance for my own sake and just see then every now and again.

What you need to do is- Sign on the dole as soon as you are 18 as I bet a job isn't possible in your situation. You probably rely on parents for a ride?

As soon as your dole comes in, look for a flat, even a shared room with other people? Even if it's in the same town. Then apply for rent allowance. You can let the social know that your parents threw you out and that's why you needed to move out, that way you don't have to be renting for 6 month previously.

I know how this feels, you feel helpless and stuck but I swear you are not stuck.
It's weird but I felt like I'd never get out and when I did, all the stress went in my life.

I'm now happily married and have my own child and it hurts me to think that anyone can hit a child.

Also you said your friend thinks your mother is ill, is there any chance you could stay with said friend, even on sofa until you get your 'dole' or 'job' sorted??

Dodd

MrsYelnekoff wrote: »

This makes me so sad for you. I've been through something similar and I had to move out as soon as I could. It was both parents in my case.

I have an ok relationship with them now but I keep my distance for my own sake and just see then every now and again.

What you need to do is- Sign on the dole as soon as you are 18 as I bet a job isn't possible in your situation. You probably rely on parents for a ride?

As soon as your dole comes in, look for a flat, even a shared room with other people? Even if it's in the same town. Then apply for rent allowance. You can let the social know that your parents threw you out and that's why you needed to move out, that way you don't have to be renting for 6 month previously.

I know how this feels, you feel helpless and stuck but I swear you are not stuck.
It's weird but I felt like I'd never get out and when I did, all the stress went in my life.

I'm now happily married and have my own child and it hurts me to think that anyone can hit a child.

Also you said your friend thinks your mother is ill, is there any chance you could stay with said friend, even on sofa until you get your 'dole' or 'job' sorted??

This is the thing,in this day and age there is some chance the whole family can be helped and live a happy life as a family.

With the mother would know she was wrong and OP forgive her if she change her ways and all family move on.

But it need intervention.

Someone to tell the mother what you are doing is not on or legal.

Flippyfloppy

Dodd wrote: »

This is the thing,in this day and age there is some chance the whole family can be helped and live a happy life as a family.

With the mother would know she was wrong and OP forgive her if she change her ways and all family move on.

But it need intervention.

Someone to tell the mother what you are doing is not on or legal.

Not necessarily, you can only help someone who wants to be helped. And ops mother isn't even at the stage where she shows remorse for her actions. OP needs to look after herself ASAP, mothers recovery maybe will come down the line.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I know you are in a terrible and very confusing position. But you have posted about your situation before. And nothing is changing or going to change. Do you honestly believe that next week everything is going to magically be different, just because you are a day older?

You asked is it legal, I think, but am open to correction, that "smacking" a child (and this is where the arguments start.. Where's the line between a smack and a forceful slap?) is not yet illegal, once it is in the bounds of "reasonable" discipline. What your mother is doing is abuse.. No question, and that IS illegal. It is not reasonable discipline, it is assault.

What happens next week? You turn 18, then what? You are no longer a child, so in your mother's eyes does it then become illegal to assault you, because you are no longer her "child", but a fellow adult? Would she assault another adult? Do you think she will stop assaulting you just because you are a day or 2 older than you were the last time she hit you?

It is now a habit for her. It is how she deals with you. And that habit is not going to magically get broken. And worse, when you get older and eventually move out, your siblings will also be older, and becoming teenagers. They will want to go out with their friends etc... What happens them if they are a few minutes late home? Or if they forget to do something she asked, etc?

Sometimes it's difficult to stand up for ourselves, but when it comes to protecting someone else we find that courage somewhere to stand up for them.

Your dad is at fault for allowing this to continue without stopping it. When you become an adult, and move out, you too will be responsible if you know she is abusing your younger siblings and you also stand back and let it happen.

As someone above advised, please contact Childline. You may not feel brave enough to do anything yet, but I hope that the day will come, and that you will finally be able to stand up to your mother.

diveout

I think at 17 you might consider Woman's aid. This is now moving away from child abuse and into domestic abuse.

OP it is only a matter of time before you snap and hit her back.