new to relationship break

feeling.blue

Ok so a bit of background information....with the OH 6 years now, in a happy relationship for most of that time and living together. he was off and distant with me the past while, moody, short, disinterested, avoiding affection. I pushed him to open up. He is not happy with us, hasn't been for a while. He was avoiding talking so as not to hurt me. He thinks he has tried but I disagree because when I asked how he tried he said by being there. I believe being there was not enough if he held these negative thoughts and didn't try to share with me.

He felt better after we spoke and was pleasant, kind and caring towards me and it reminded me of the man he once was. I told him this was the change that was needed but I'm not sure he could sustain this. I made it clear that my feelings shouldn't influence him and he had to think hard about his own happiness. I worry his willingness to talk was more a case of it being out in the open and his change of heart may have been down to guilt. I asked and he doesn't know if he still wants the future we planned and although feeling better he doesn't know if he is happy still.

He took a few things and left to stay with family and we are now on a break. I am very lonely especially when I return home to bed at night, I miss him. I had to fight hard not to contact him this week. We had originally said to take a week to think. He text last night to ask how I was and say hi. I think it was his way of saying he needs more time. I don't know where to go next. I've never had a break with anyone before. I hope he is thinking but I fear he is spending time chatting to family and friends and busying himself with everyday life moving more and more away from the life he had previously with me. I am thinking he is not experiencing any of these feeling I am. I am very worried about the future. I would very much appreciate any advice or opinions.

berrygood

Hi OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. It must be quite confusing if you felt like everything was fine.

You say you're late 20s, is he around the same age or older? I'm just thinking if he's older maybe he's starting to panic at the thought of marriage and kids. People can get funny about these things all of a sudden. You're together six years and living together. Most relationships tend to follow on to marriage and kids and even if he wants these things with you, he might just be starting to panic at the thought of them becoming a reality.

Have you spoken to your friends and/or family about it?

Not to get you down, but I always see taking a break as a bad sign. The final nail, if you will. I guess I just don't see how the problems can be resolved if one party isn't there.

Maybe try talking to him again and ask him to clarify what he feels is lacking or missing in the relationship.

feeling.blue

thanks for replying. The marriage and baby talk wouldn't be a current topic in the relationship to be honest, it’s not really like that. We had always talked openly about it in the past and we were very much on the same page about what we wanted but there’s no pressure there from me anyway. Maybe outside influences like friends and family doing these things does make him think though. I think he still wants these things but the way he is now I don’t feel he wants them with me. It is of course at the back of my mind though and if he doesn’t want these things with me, we can’t stay together and I need to start thinking in terms of the future too. I don't know if I should contact him or just give him more time, it's very confusing.

berrygood

feeling.blue wrote: »

thanks for replying. The marriage and baby talk wouldn't be a current topic in the relationship to be honest, it’s not really like that. We had always talked openly about it in the past and we were very much on the same page about what we wanted but there’s no pressure there from me anyway. Maybe outside influences like friends and family doing these things does make him think though and it is very possible he feels a bit trapped. I think he still wants these things but the way he is now I don’t feel he wants them with me. It is of course at the back of my mind though and if he doesn’t want these things with me, we can’t stay together and I need to start thinking in terms of the future too. I don't know if I should contact him or just give him more time, it's very confusing.

Aye, it can be tough as sometimes if we push too hard we can push people away. That being said, it's your life too and as you rightly state, you need to know where you stand.

Personally, I wouldn't leave it go beyond a week. The not knowing would drive me mad. I'd tell him I'd like to sit down and really talk things out. No vague nonsense. I'd ask him to tell me exactly how he is feeling. I've always been one for absolute honesty, though. As hard as it can be to hear and to say. At least you know where you stand with the truth.

You're either in a relationship or you're out. If I was in a relationship with a man who didn't see a future with me after 6 years together, I'd be thinking we shouldn't be together.

People fail to communicate properly in relationships as they don't want to hurt the other person. But sometimes, this being one of them, absolute honesty is required.

This is how I'd want it if it was my relationship. It's different for everyone, obviously.

But honest, open communication is the foundation of solid relationships.

Obliq

feeling.blue wrote: »

He text last night to ask how I was and say hi. I think it was his way of saying he needs more time.

Hi OP, very sorry for what you're going through. You sound mature and thoughtful about your partner's feelings, but here....you can't know that was his way of saying he needs more time. Personally, I would take that on face value and think that he was concerned enough about you to see how you are (if I was reading anything into it, I'd be more inclined to think he was missing the contact).

Did you reply? Why not say "I'm feeling very sad about us and missing you"? What have you got to lose by being honest that you're not already feeling is gone already? Try and open the communication again - you never know how he's feeling now unless you ask....

Good luck hon.