My Brother is HIV Positive

It's so hard for me to type, it's even harder to say aloud. I really dont know where to start.

I'm so mad with him that he threw his life away having unprotected sex

I find myself avoiding him and i feel terrible i know its not all about me , I want to hug him and kill him at the same time.

I do not want to talk to family about it as it is awkward enough as it is.

Any time i think about it i feel sick and hate myself see I'm bringing it back to me again.

Does anyone have a family member that has the same condition that could give me any advice.

voz es

Firstly I am very sorry you and your brother are in the situation ye are in.

You need to research this dude, there is a lot of info out there. A lot of drugs that will slow the virus down. As angry as you are imagine how scared he is, your best friend now is information.

I think you brother is one of many in having unprotected sex, just visit an STI clinic if you want to see the wide range of people with STI's or getting check up's for STI's. I must say the people working in these places as some of the most kind caring, considerate and understanding people I have came across, I assure you one thing there will be no judgement.

It can happen to anybody and it dose not make them less of a person. I had drunken unprotected sex, plenty do, I was one of the many lucky one's that did not contract anything but I just as easily could have. The unlucky one's are getting more and more.

If anything this shows how important it is to wear protection.

Lou.m

I am very sorry to hear this for you and your family and your brother.

http://www.aids.gov/hiv-aids-basics/just-diagnosed-with-hiv-aids/helping-someone-recently-diagnosed/partner-family-member-loved-one/
https://www.aamft.org/iMIS15/AAMFT/Content/Consumer_Updates/Families_Living_with_HIV.aspx

I cannot imagine how you are feeling. I have no experience myself but I just wanted to express my sympathy.

Maybe the links can provide you with some information.

Taltos

Not much advice I can give you OP but you need to stop thinking of your brother as having thrown his life away. HIV is no longer the death sentence it was in the 80s. There are ranges of treatments out there he can use to keep himself healthy. Also as upset as you are I can only imagine how he is feeling right now, would figure he is either still in denial or is internally beating himself up over this every second he is awake.

Maybe it would help you to vent to someone about this? Your GP may be able to refer you or put you in touch with some local support groups. No matter what though right now he needs someone to be there for him, not with judgement, but just a shoulder to cry on. Do look into some local or regional groups though.

batnolan

Not sure what to say. My condolences? My symphaties? As the poster above me says it is not a death sentence. Your brother needs you.

Was it unprotected sex with a male or female? He must have been extremely unlucky if it was with a female as aren't the chances very low?

The very best of luck to you both.

Lux23

I don't think your brother needs you judging him right now, he's still the boy you grew up with and love. So put your anger aside and give him the support he needs. Like other posters said HIV isn't a death sentence anymore, he will probably be put on meds that will mean his viral load is so low that he will be as healthier than most people. He could go on to have a happy and fulfilling life with a partner and even children of his own. His HIV status shouldn't change anything.

baby and crumble

batnolan wrote: »

Was it unprotected sex with a male or female? He must have been extremely unlucky if it was with a female as aren't the chances very low?

That's a really personal question. And moot tbh, nearly 40% of new diagnoses last year was via heterosexual activity.

Op, please read up on the current prognosis in Ireland. HIV/ AIDS really is not the same monster it was in the 80's & 90's. There are many people living comfortably with the condition now- anti viral drugs are light years ahead of what they were 10, even 5 years ago. Try looking up the Dublin Aids Alliance, or an equivalent of you're not in the capital. You and your brother need to educate yourselves, and fast. This is not a terminal sentence, really.

CaraMay

You need to figure out why you feel like this. Is it because it's 'self inflicted'? Is it because it's a sexually transmitted disease? The reality here is that very very many people have or have had unprotected sex. He was extremely unlucky and it's unfair to judge him for it. He is paying very severely for his actions now and needs support rather than judgement.

If he had lung cancer because he smoked would you be as judgemental. Educate yourself and get some counselling to help you deal with it as you need to support him.

Bafucin

I think you could do with some counseling this is a very heavy trauma.

I am very sorry about it. But maybe your story will highlight the importance of protection for others.

IvyTheTerrible

My aunt-in-law was diagnosed HIV positive about 20 years ago. It's not a bed of roses but it's not a death sentence either. The drugs they have now to treat it are a lot more effective than they were, she lives a fairly normal life.
The best thing you can do is support your brother.

lovelyjubbly

Hi OP, my brother was diagnosed with HIV a few years ago so I understand a bit how you feel. If he had been diagnosed with anything else as serious as this you would also be in shock the difference here is that it's not talked about.

My brother did not want people to know so it made it difficult for me to process it in that I couldn't have an open conversation about it with my friends and furthermore I felt like I was hiding something from them (most of them knew him).

I've always had a difficult relationship with him anyway so this didn't bring us closer. His reaction to it was the hardest part; he didn't follow medical advice around nutrition and excercise and other things I won't go into.

I was angry because of the impact it had on my parents and the way he handled it. I was angry with him for being sick (this makes no sense but it is how I felt). I was sad for him and his children and then angry again with how he refused to see their needs in it. He was, and still is, estranged from his children. His son asks about him and I lie to him which I feel uncomfortable about and as he gets older and is now asking me to go with him when he confronts his father on the other ****ty things he did, I panic. I don't think it's my place to tell him but no one else is and when he sees his dad he will know he is ill. I am waiting until this meeting is definitely happening before deciding what to do. I think my brother is lonely and I feel sad that he has isolated himself.

Before his diagnosis HIV was like an abstract thing that I knew was there but it wasn't 'real' to me. I now know a lot more about the illness and it's management.

It was up and down, harder because some of us knew and others didn't. After knowing about a year I insisted all the siblings should be told as they knew something was up and I believed they had as much of a right to know as I did. That helped; it was being treated like some dirty secret and talking about it overcomes that.

I guess what I am saying is; it's normal to feel a wide range of emotions and the complexities of your relationship with your brother will colour the experience. I have wondered if we were closer would it have been different...I don't know. All I can say is it does get easier and the shock recedes and if you have a good relationship with your brother that, I think anyway, you will resume that relationship. He is the same person now with an illness that everyone needs time to adjust to.

Monkey61

Hi there,

One of my closest friends is HIV positive, so I really wanted to give you my perspective on this. I was quite, shocked I suppose, when reading your post, because since meeting my friend several years ago, I have never once considered being HIV positive as being a big deal at all.

Now my friend contracted it at a very young age, so has had many years to process it emotionally. I understand that was obviously quite difficult for him at the time, but I think it's important to speak about what can happen when all the dust settles and I want to express how normal a life your brother can lead.

The only differences that I can think of between my friend's life and anybody's without the virus are 1) he takes medication at fixed intervals every day, 2) he can't have unprotected sex with his partner, 3) if he cuts himself he can't be attended by someone with an open wound. After years of friendship and living with the guy, those are all I can think of. It doesn't stop him from having relationships and if he so desired it wouldn't neccessarily stop him from having children either.

With the medication he is on, he is as healthy as anyone else and gets to live the same life as anyone else. He doesn't "feel" like he has it on a daily basis and he isn't stopped from doing anything. It is also quite difficult, contrary to many misconceptions, outside of unprotected sex and sharing needles, to infect somebody else.

With all this in mind, what is important for you and your brother now is that you both talk to somebody about it and get all the necessary information. HIV specific counselling should be a great help for your brother and your family. What he doesn't need is your judgement or your worry or any misinformation. Speaking to others with the virus should also be a great help in coming to terms with his diagnosis.

I don't have any Ireland specific links as I live in the UK, but the following website is a great read - http://www.tht.org.uk/ particularly the living with HIV section and should go some way towards helping you take the first steps in dealing with your feelings.

CdeC

Hi OP,

There is a lot of stigma attached to HIV. What if it was Hepatitis. What if your brother was working out in the Sun without protection and was diagnosed with Melanoma. Would you resent him then???

Your brother made a choice and took a risk and unfortunately that risk meant he contracted an STD. Luckily there are drugs now that will mean he can live a long, fairly normal life but unfortunately he will be on these meds for the rest of his life.

I think you need to start thinking about this in a different way. You should be able to discuss this with your family. Your brother is probably quite scared and needs the support of those closest to him especially seen as he'll be worried that people will reject and ostracise him.

Merkin

Hey OP, I can empathise with the shock of the diagnosis but your reaction is obviously ill informed and that's ok too, lots of people are woefully uneducated when it comes to HIV. A very close friend of mine was diagnosed a couple of years ago with HIV and as and when you educate yourself on the condition you will be relieved to learn that it's not the life sentence it once was. I found the forums on www.poz.com very useful. Please just be aware that a lot of members have HIV so I'd advise you not to go in all guns blazing with angry statements about your brother and throwing his life away. It's a great place to talk to people though and get some guidance on next steps. Wishing you and your brother a happy and healthy future xx

iusedtoknow

My wife works with HIV+/Aids patients quite often - her hospital (in San Francisco) used to have a whole wing (basically an isolation wing) for aids patients in the 80's and 90's. Now, they are part of the general hospital population. As a city, SF was hit badly in the 80's

I read your post and asked her what she made of it....some points

-HIV+ patients with proper management do not lower their life expectancy significantly - she had a 70 year old man come in with a foot he broke hiking...who is also HIV+
-It is the only STD that people talk openly about having, often out of necessity - this in itself has led to proper research and is a good thing
-patients come from all walks of life. Professionals, students, gay, straight.

While you're in shock, in part because of the diagnoses, in part because you're seeing a choice your brother made - he will be fine, and you will be too. If you need references, talk to your own GP - they are the ones best qualified to a)help you make sense of everything from a medical POV (they won't discuss your brother, but will discuss HIV management with you generally) and b) be able to refer you to other specialists who can help you understand what your brother is going through

listen_lady

Hey tajd.

My main bit of advice to you when you see your brother; try not to project your own feelings onto him and try to avoid judging. Just try to be reciprocal and supportive, no matter how angry you might feel with him. He's no doubt feeling a lot of remorse, shame and self-loathing about his situation right now, putting your own issues onto that will only make it harder for him. My other bit of advice would be to get informed about the virus (in regards to what viral loads and CD4 counts are, medications, etc). There's a lot of information out there.

My younger brother is HIV-positive, he was diagnosed six years ago. I was the first person he told, and while my initial reaction wasn't ideal, I did my best to be a good sister and friend to him. I attended his early appointments at the HIV clinic with him, went with him to counselling, linked him in with a support group for people living with HIV and lots of other stuff.

Unfortunately, many of his friends and members of our family weren't so kind. He was basically disowned by his closest friends, our parents and two of our older siblings, most of whom he's still estranged from. As hard as being diagnosed was for him, I know that being rejected by people he'd known all his life was much more devastating. It was so painful for him he eventually decided to emigrate about four years ago, leaving behind a great job and living situation, to get away from it all.

Despite all he went through, though, maybe even because of it, he has a very, very happy life today and is in a committed long-term relationship with a partner who is HIV-negative.

Hope this helps.

amdublin

Sorry this is not a long post.

Of course you have lots of emotion and feelings about the diagnosis, would you consider counselling to talk these through?

Here is someone living with hiv since 1995:
http://theoutmost.com/news/rory-oneill-launches-hiv-testing-campaign/

Mr. Loverman

tajd wrote: »

I'm so mad with him that he threw his life away having unprotected sex

And you reckon you can go through life without having unprotected sex? Get a grip.

This isn't about you. I recommend you research what "ego" is and try to become a better person. Here's a simple introduction: http://deoxy.org/egofalse.htm

Recent research shows HIV+ people on medication are living longer than HIV- people. The reason is HIV+ people take better care of themselves.

Your brother will be OK. However he doesn't need your selfishness now.